Exhausted and Need to Get Romance Back into Our Lives

The big break you are seeking may not only be found in a destination. You need a complete mind change. Changing your thinking will go a long way to helping you out. Perhaps the hum-drum life you are living is because you have reduced your difficulties down to work, cleaning and trying to raise your boys in your mind.

Try daring to do something different in the way you see things. Try getting the boys to bed early and create a romantic environment for you and hubby. Try candles set up and burning in the bath. A bowl of whip cream and another bowl of fresh strawberries or even a large bucket of ice. You can be very surprised how spending the entire day with your mind focused on time alone with hubby and doing the things grown folks enjoy can definitely change things.

Yes life is hard and can be downright difficult but finding pleasures in these difficult times is priceless. Set your mind on the pleasant things of life. Make your life a little more simple...redefine clean as it relates to this new house and just have fun right where you are. These are the things you will look back at and cherish because they won't last forever. Trouble passes, it is only one moment in time.

Maybe you could trade kid-sitting with a friend at work for a weekend. You'd have extra work one weekend, but then a free one. Living in the mountains could make a great opportunity for a city family. If you don't know anyone who you could work this out with, then you may have to settle for date nights at home until your financial situation improves. If you keep telling yourself that you need to get away but you can't do it, you'll drive yourself nuts. Work with what you CAN do. Your kids are still very young, so put them to bed, and spend quality time with your hubby and let the house go a bit. Your mental health and your relationship are more important than a clean house.

Ok, you need to find someone who you can trade off babysitting........do you know anyone who is in your same situation? Some one you can trust? If not, then you need to start saving a dollar here, or change, until you can hire some nice young teenager to come and babysit! You'll be amazed how fast your change adds up if you don't count it!!!

Also, let the house be a disaster through the week.........on Friday night or Sat. morning, EVERYONE gets up and cleans the house! If you have company, and they see your house dirty and they care, then they are not your friends, and they care about your house more than you, so ditch them...........you say no family is close, is there family close enough where you could drive on a Friday night, and leave them till Sunday? Or even leave them for a week...........grandparents? Aunt or Uncle? Or a good friend, kids playmate, that you trust for a night or two?

I am SO jealous that you have a house in the mountains.....so I would LOVE to have all that coming into my house!!!

As for the frustration, life deals you a hand, how you handle it and what you do with it is up to YOU.......Instead of thinking about what you HAVE to do or what you DON'T have, think about what you DO have..........look at this as a learning experience not only for you, but for your kids.....not just on the weekends, but through the week as well..............you also might try letting some things go.......even if it is for a few days........and just relax and enjoy your family, because one of these days, those kids will be grown, out on their own, have kids and you are a person to work into their lives.......so work with them now and create some awesome memories........you are very blessed.........say that to yourself a lot.....even when you don't feel like it......you're mindset on life can be changed, but you are the one that has to change it...........I know you can't be chipper all the time, but try to think more positive.......I know it's hard, I've been there, many times......but you can win this, I know you can!

Hang in there and good luck.....

Since you both work, you must have childcare. Can you and your husband both "play hooky" for a day? Do you have any vacation time? If you have two days that you can take, make one a work day - clean the house from top to bottom, reorganize, etc. The second is a "you" day. Relax, watch TV, enjoy the quiet, etc. If you only have one day, skip the clean up and just have a relaxing day together.

The other thing that I recommend is to devote two 10 minute chunks per day. 10 minutes right after the kids go to bed to clean up (or before they wake up, if you're a morning person). Whatever can get cleaned in 10 minutes does. It is amazing how much better the house feels if you do this every day. Spend the other 10 minutes doing something that you feel revitalizes you. Meditate, sit outside, read the newspaper, talk to your husband, etc. Even the busiest people can find 20 minutes, and it really does help. You have to commit, though.

Finally, it's entirely possible that the antidepressants are depleting your sex drive, so don't blame yourself for that too.

I'm sorry that you're going through so much. I empathize. Good luck.

Shelly, I feel like I could have written your post! We have gone through many of the same things in these past few years in our family. Lost our house, husband was out of a job for a while (now works as a handyman for about 1/4 of what he used to make), I have to commute to my office which is 3 hours one way, stay overnight in a hotel there, then come home... nightmare.

I don't know if you have any wiggle room in your finances at all, but I finally broke down and got a cleaning lady once every 2 weeks. She does the "heavy" cleaning (mopping floors, scrubbing toilets) so that all I have to do is the routine cleaning. That REALLY helps! If there is a college nearby, you may be able to find a college girl who can clean for you for $8-10/hr. (Or even a teenager in your neighborhood?)

Aside from that practical aspect of lightening the load from a housework perspective, I have come to the conclusion that even though my hopes and dreams did not resemble in any way the life I'm living right now, I can't allow myself to be disappointed by that. Yes, life is extremely stressful right now. However, I have a hard-working husband and two darling girls, and even though I'd have liked to stay home in my beautiful (former) home and be a homemaker, I have accepted that that is not my path right now. It doesn't do any good to cry over spilled milk, as the saying goes. I am trying really hard just to take each day as it comes, do my best at work, be the best mom I can be in the limited time I have with my kids, and try and connect with my husband the best I can. BTW, since our budget doesn't currently allow for date night either, we just put the kids to bed early, and go sit outside on the patio and talk. It works!

Hang in there... I know how hard it is. We are there too.

A book that helps a lot with that connection is 'Hold me Tight' and helps couples connect emotionally which we ALL need. It is awesome. Read it together and you will have such a satisfying marriage without paying a therapist or attorneys for a divorce.
Here is an idea: Put the kids to bed early on a set night each week. Then take time to turn off the tv. and talk with your spouse and give each other back rubs etc. There are games in other books or online for ideas to help you relax, talk, and connect. Of course it can lead to more but it will refill your vessel and help you focus on the positives about your husband and remind yourself you guys are a team... life can be hard but you can work together and enjoy this along the way.

I am 40 and my husband is 42, kids are 1 and 2. I thought, too, that I would get to be a SAHM once we had our kids, and I, being older, having worked a good portion of my life felt like I deserved it. My husband lost his job 4 months before our first child was born, so I was forced to go back to work full-time when she was 5 months. He found contract work, and I got pregnant two weeks after I started my new job. He lost his job again when I was less than a month away from having the second. Again, he found work and then lost it again 6 months ago and is still looking for work. The kids are now at home with him and I, thankfully, still have my job. He wants a job, I want to stay home, and how weird is it that we have swapped our roles? It isn't fair, and some days I resent the situation for what it is. I should be more thankful that I have a job and the kids are healthy, and the kids have a good dad who knows how to take care of them. Your and my kids are young, and I know it will get better. I would offer to take care of your kids on a swap or something if my kids were a little older--we (er, I should say my husband) are pretty overwhelmed with ours being as young as they are. Any chance a relative could come out for a stay if you paid their ticket? A friend? We don't have family around, either, so I know how difficult it is. Let me know if you need to chat some more.

Hi Shelly,

Colorado is beautiful! Maybe a family member could come stay with the boys as a family vacation and you could get away for a few days. Let them know how much you need it.... I could see myself accepting that kind of invitation!

God bless,

M.

If the house is dirty, and just keeps getting that way due to the stove, etc... do you think it would be a big difference i fyou let it go one weekend and just cleaned the next? Then take that free time and spend some time for yourselves. Maybe take a hike around with the kiddos in backpacks, and then after bedtime, drink a bottle of cheap wine together? Sometimes this plan backfires because we both work full time jobs too, and I know what it's like to take time off during the weekend - sometimes it pushes me over the edge when I am trying to catch up the next day...but I wonder if you get any paid time off to take the Monday off maybe after the weekend to catch up from the time you spent not cleaning and being with your husband?
I wonder how much money you make - can you work from home at an online job? Living in the mountains would be so hard, to me, because you are isolated, and it's just harder, all the snow and cold, and the wood heat, etc.
I don't know that I have any helpful answers, but I feel your pain and wish you the best. I think the economy is turning around, so it may be a matter of a few months to a year for things to turn around and start back to normal financially as long as you aren't too far in debt.
How did you get pregnant at 42 or 43? We are trying for #2 and having so much trouble with it. We are on the verge of IVF.
Best of luck to you!

I don't know if this is possible, but would your job allow you to work from home a couple days per week. When I had our first son, I stepped down from my position and went back 3 days per week and worked at home the other two. It was a perfect solution and kept me sane. Another thing to think about is getting off the anti-depressants. They are great to get you over humps but some of the side affects are things like lack of desire and appreciation for things and people. If you guys are past the rough part of losing the home and such then get off them (you have to go off slow of course) and try to go it alone.

I am not sure if any of these things will help or not, but I know how frustrating it is to endure a lot of these things. I wouldn't focus on getting away for several days, just focus on the gift of your kids and confide in your husband, that is what a relationship is for.

Good luck.

I'm a grand pa. If you were one of my kids and told me about your problems like you did above, I'd invite my grandkids over for a week. But if your parents are still alive they would have to be in their 70's or older.

Ask your brothers or sisters for help. Look for a job closer to home, or look for a house closer to work. Study the traffic patterns in your city. When I bought my house I bought where I would be going the opposite way the hard, slow, difficult traffic was going. It wasn't exactly where I wanted to live, but it saved me many hours of frustration behind the wheel. Now I like living there.

There are several questions about saving money in mamapedia. Look them up. I shop very wisely and spend considerable less than my peers for groceries. Littleton does not have a long growing season, but every little bit helps. I use the grocery store discount bins to reduce my overall bill. Don't throw food away. My mother used to make what my dad called "garbage can soup". All the left overs that my peers would throw away my mom would either serve as is or throw in a pot, add water and make soup. Don't buy any more babyfood. My wife bought a babyfood grinder and would take food off her plate, put it through the hand held babyfood grinder and feed it directly to the kids. They learned to eat what we ate. If you look at the price per ounce for a jar of babyfood, multiply it by 16 to get the price per pound, you'll be shocked.

When you add the reduced cost of commuting, day care, the grocery savings and the benefit of gardening you may be able to take a part time job in Littleton and the bottom line may be the same, but you'll have more time at home and a more relaxing time with your hubby.

Good luck to you and yours.