Explaining a Death in the Family

My grandfather passed away in April and my son and him were VERY close. It was not easy to explain why he couldn't still go fishing and camping with grandpa - but let him know that every time we would go Granpa was always with us. The most important thing was letting my son know that it was okay to talk about grandpa - even if it made us sad. Without talking about him we can never heal or come to terms. Now my son tells the stories Grampa told and we all get to laugh and share and even cry together. Letting him know it's ok to miss him and talk about him has made it a little easier.

Death is never easy to explain to a child but they do start to understand gone forever eventually. you might have to remind your 4 year old that it is permanant. I myself have experience with thsi because i lost a child in 2005 and iu had to expelain to thei rbrother and sister who where 5 and 6 at the time about death and heaven and what not. If You are christian and beleive in ehaven that is always the best route to go that they have been called back to GOd.... But i have learned that you will answer alot fo questions regaurdless because children are curoius about death after they are exposed to it.

Hi K.
Be completely honest with your child, don't add anything to it and don't take anything away from it. Lay it out exactly how you would for an adult, the only difference would be you ask your child if he understands the big words you have used and what ever word he doesn't understand you break that word down for him until he understands it. I use a webster's dictionary to look up the words together and make it a learning experience for my children. I have an 8 year old son & a 21 month old son and had to explain death, sickness, hospitalization, visitation rights, court procedings, sex, where babies come from, drugs & there effects and etc. Trust me your 4 year old will understand more than you think and take it easier than you expect. If you tell your children continually what to expect in a certain situation they will have no fear in it, because they trust your every word. I hope this has helps.

S.

K.,
I dont know how religious you are, but when my daughter died, my sons were 4 & 2 1/2. We had the help of the hospital staff and my minister. What we told the boys was this: "That their sister was very sick, and the doctors tried to make her better but they couldn't, so Jesus came to make her better but he had to take her to heaven to do that. When they asked when she would come back, we told them never. Your little 4 yr old won't understand the concept of forever so don't be suprised if you have to remind and retell them many many more times. I'm sorry for your loss, a death, especially this time of year, is very hard. Good luck with your explanation.

I am so sorry for your loss. I think the main things to stress are that your mother in law's body isn't working any more so God is taking her spirit home to be happy, and that this will not happen to you or your husband or your son or daughter any time soon. This is a natural age for kids to be very curious about death anyway. The more that you can stress that this is the natural end to life for all of us, it is OK to be sad but grandma is at peace and happy, the more OK your son or daughter will be with it.

tell him that the lord needs her to come home to be with him!!!

im sorry about it!!!

K. tell your son the truth. Don't sugar coat it. Don't use euphamisms and say she is sleeping or that God wants her. This can give a four year old nightmares. Tell him parts of her body no longer work and that she is broken and can't be fixed. Explain that this happens sometimes when people are older and unable to heal themselves. Make sure he knows that you and your husband are not dying and that you will still be around. I also recommend New Song center for Grieving Children and Stepping Stones of Hope (for grieving children.) They have support groups for children that is age appropriate for him. I'm a grief counselor at Hospice of Arizona, and you can always call a hospice to get more information.

Death is harder for adults to understand than for children. It is important to be honest and tell the child that the person is dying or has died and that it makes you sad because you will miss the person very, very much and that is why you cry. Ask the children what they will miss most about that person and maybe prepare a recipie in memory of the person or light a candle and talk about a memory of that person. Another very helpful sourse is a camp for grieving children and families in Prescott, Arizona. Find them at steppingstonesofhope.com. My daughters were 5 and 7 when their father was killed in an accident and talking openly has helped us all heal and work through the pain.

When my daughter was 4, my father-in-law passed away. We knew he was sick, but he looked and felt fine - then he had a day he didn't feel so well, then he passed away. We were all reeling and scrambling and during all that mess, we had to deal with my daughter's questions. She still asks some - it's been 2 years.

We were honest with her. We told her that Grandpa had been sick. How do you explain cancer to a 4 year old - I don't understand it myself. We told her that there was a bad thing that grew in Grandpa's tummy and that the doctors couldn't take it out, because it was to big.

We told her that Grandpa was in heaven with Jesus and that Jesus made Grandpa feel better - he doesn't hurt or feel bad anymore. Then we told her that Grandpa loved her and he will be watching her from heaven. We have a picture of my husband's family that was taken less than a month before my father-in-law passed. We keep it out where it can be seen. I told her "I know that you're sad that Grandpa is with Jesus, but if you want, you can look at this picture and remember fun things about Grandpa and you can tell this picture how much you love Grandpa and miss him".

It won't be easy. And there will be some questions asked over and over again. Just be there. Tell the truth - I don't mean go into total medical term mode with the whole way doctors talk. Break it down to a level your son can understand. Don't hide things that belong to Grandma and don't put pictures of her away. That makes things seem bad to the kids.

I wish you the best. This is a terrible situation to be in. All those parenting articles NEVER have information on this kind of a situation. You kind of have to wing it.

That is a hard one, I dont think I would say anything right away, I would wait until he asks about her , then tell him simply , that grandma had to go to heaven to be with the angels......or something in that manner.. Im truely sorry for your family's grief. Your mother will be in our prayers.. God Bless You all , S.

I can only tell you my experience with death. I was seven when my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She was dead 6 days after my 8th birthday. She never told us what was going on, my father never did and until the day my dad died, he never discussed anything around my mother.

I am not blaming my mother's death at all for the choices I made in my life up until I was 29 years old, but I will say I struggled with depression, got heavily into drugs to numb my feelings (I have been sober 2 decades now) my sister is bi-polar and I can tell you that not discussing things with children can set a child up for mental illness.

Now obviously your child is not necessarily headed in that direction, but I would be open and honest and explain what is going on, what is happening with Grandma. Try to have pictures around and let him see her even after she is gone and always keep an open dialogue about her. I have pictures of my mother all over the house, my children ask about her and I openly discuss her. (I don't let my eight year old know she died when I was her age, because that would only scare her). We also have lots of pictures of their grandpa who died last year and who my eight year old ADORED. She still cries about him and we talk openly. That is the key. You can explain in age appropriate language that grandma has lived a long time and when you get very, very old this happens. And then when she does die, explain to him that she fell asleep and she went to heaven. That's not scary for a child I don't think.