Explaining an Extended Family

The next time it comes up, I would explain that the woman who gave birth to you divorced your father when you were very young and has not been a part of your life since them. Their "Mammaw" married your Dad when you were young and that she has been "MOM" to you since then. Compare it to an adoption. Explain that she considers you her daughter even though she did not give birth to you and vice versa. Hope this helps.

I would explain the sitution with your boys. We have 2 boys also. My husband's parents divorced when he was a teen and it was becoming quite confusing to the boys when they would hear negative comments about "their papaw" (their Daddy's Dad) by other members of the family. All they have ever known is complete LOVE for their grandparents so it is very hurtful when they hear something said about them. I finally took it upon myself to explain the situation to them and to reassure our little boys that WE love both Grammy and Papaw. They are innocents and should not be pulled through a stressful situation that happened so many years ago. That said, I feel your boys might see this as an act of love...that you have been able to love completely your step mom. Like I said, they are innocents and unless it is explained to them...they might become more confused. You might be surprised what they already know. I'm so sorry your mother is missing out on the best part of her life...being a grandmother. My mom passed away right before our youngest child was born...but I tell both boys ALL about her ALL the time. (Our boys are 8 and 10.) Enjoy those little boys!

my dad's dad was never apart of his life either. I did meet him twice in my life - when I was 5 and when I was 11. My dad was open with me and my younger siblings from the get go. It wasn't a hard concept for us to get. We were fine with it. He just told us that his dad wasn't apart of his life and that his dad was missing out on a lot of things. That his dad didn't want to be a daddy. He always reminded us that he loved being our dad.

It is really amazing how things aren't as big a deal for kids as we think they should/would be.

My friend is going through the same thing with her step-dad (her REAL dad) and her biological father and telling her kids about this. Everyone is completely fine though! :)

This kinda happened to me, except I don't really remember anyone ever mentioning it in front of me. My dad's mom divorced when he and his sister were very small and she remarried, and her husband adopted my dad and his sister, then they had another son. I always knew my uncle didn't look as much like my dad and sister as they did like each other, but didn't know why. My "grandfather" loved us and never treated us any differently than his "real" grandchildren in any way, and never treated my dad differently than his brother. I found out about all this when I was in my 20's. At that point I was curious about my birth family, and I still am now in my forties, but I know that my grandfather is the man I knew all my life and the other man is more of a curiousity, though I sometimes wonder about his other children and who my cousins might be. I did feel slightly weird about the whole thing when I first found out about it, but it explained a lot about things I'd never understood, like why my dad hates his middle name (which is a family name from his birth father's family.) My father has never talked about this with me even now, and my grandmother said that he has refused to have contact with his half-siblings when they have tried to find him, so obviously he really resents his birth father.

I don't think it's a problem for you not to mention it until it comes up naturally for some reason. Then if they ask why you never told them, just say that you love Mammaw very much, that she raised you and is your mother, and that since you don't see your birth mother, she isn't very important in your lives. I also think that it might be easier for them to find this out when they're older, even adults, because as small children they might worry that if your mother left you, you might leave them. As adults or even older teens, they're better able to understand that people make selfish choices that have nothing to do with them. But if it comes up, I'd just be really casual.

BIGGEST ADVISE--quit dissing your birth mother. You may resent her, but your kids are gonna hear again and you'll have to deal with the fallout. And if you say things to other people, sooner or later someone will mention it to the kids. I'd just not talk about her at all. And I'd be careful of passing along your resentment to the kids when you do tell them, because since she has no relationship with them, it's not their fight, and they don't need to be drawn into it. When they're older, they need her medical info and basic family into, but they don't have to hate her becuase you do. They just need to be reminded to respect the feelings of their real grandmother, who has been there loving them all these years.

I have several adopted family members and my husband has two siblings that are "his, hers, and ours," type of situation. (two kids brought into a marriage from each side and then my husband was born into that marriage) I've learned a lot from his side of the family on this. I think it's great that you are thinking of the right way to say it, but I really think it's important to emphasize that love/family has no walls. Blood is not nearly as important as relationship with love. I know when the time comes, your motherly insticts will guide you, b/c you know your son best; you know what words will help him to understand. If I were in your shoes, I would pray for God to work through you to say the words that will help your son understand that love/family comes in many different ways. In Sri Lanka, where my friend grew up, EVERY adult male or female friend of the family if referred to as "uncle" or "aunt." I think that's beautiful that "FAMILY" is a state of mind, not a blood line.

S., if your children are in school, take a minute and think that he might know someone who only lives with one parent or hear a child say that they are going to go to their dad's house per say... kids pick up a lot more than you think.
I would just explain that Your mom and dad got divorced and they later found someone else special to them, got married and that is how he has his mammaw who is very special to you and that you love her.

Sometimes life happens and unfortunately it is a fact of life. You can reassure your child by letting him know that you have no plans for divorce to occur in your family.

They really are able to handle the truth but just bring it down to their level. You don't have to go into all the details as you were young yourself you can just tell him you don't remember and that it might be personal.. children can respect that. You can tell him too that Mammaw loves you very much too.

I think you get what I am trying to convey.

Just don't lie or put off telling him as his curiosity will only grow. Give him an answer that is satisfying to him and he will drop it. :)

(I am sharing this as I am remarried and my DD who is 5 is my current husband's child. I also have a child from my first marriage and he is 19. My DD knows that I was married to Mr. John and that he is Zach's father but that her dad Russ loves Zach just as much as he loves her.)

Hi S.,

I have boys 5 and 6 1/2. I believe that you could explain your "family tree" in a very basic way (making sure to leave out any emotional parts). You could tell them that just like parents adopt kids and they ;love them just like if they were born to the family, sometimes kids "adopt" parents as their own when the parent that was there when they were born isn't around because they died or got "unmarried" (the term my kids use for divorced). My kids cousins have a step-dad and the boys now understand that Uncle Mike isn't the kids dad, but he loves them and their mommy, so it's like having an extra person to love you! If you keep it positive and unemotional (especially about the negative stuff), they can understand it.

Good luck!!

WOW S.... I am a step mom and to be blunt with my answer, I thing you are overly concerned for nothing. The children will understand the "legalities" of blended families as they get older. My hubby and I have expressed the importance of family and love and knowing that it's all what is in your heart. I have done WAY more for my step children than their mother has, but my "mommyness" ( my new word) ends at our driveway. I really think you should let it go.. the children will understand as they get older. My hubbys 8 y/o just started understanding how people can get married, have kids, then get divorced. Feel free to private message me and we could talk. Good luck... smile..

T.

I wouldn't make it a huge issue, just a matter of fact thing. I recall a time my sister & I found out my dad had been married before. We were in our early 20's and my grandmother just said it so matter-of-factly. She thought we knew. Of course we kind of freaked a little wondering if we had half siblings somewhere. But my mom explained that he was married & divorced before she met him and so it wasn't a vital part of her life or their life together & he had no children so it wasn't worth mentioning. In your case, they have always known Mammaw as your mother right? Your birth mother means nothing to them in terms of family so is it worth mentioning? I think the question you really have to ask yourself is do you intend to pursue a relationship with your birth mom and why? You were blessed with a wonderful step-mom, your MOM. I know you have a half-sister you have a relationship with so I guess that would sort of open the door to having to explain your birth mom.

I have heard of moms explaining to their adopted children using the terms 'tummy mommy'. Your birth mother was your tummy mommy (because more than likely they've seen pregnant women) but your step-mom is your mommy because she took care of you & raised you and loves you just like you love them. Kids today are well aware of the term divorce, most of their friends probably come from divorced homes that homes where their parents are still married. So the terms wont be as foreign to them as you may think. And if your children are in school they will know someone in a blended family and know the term 'step'.

Look into some books on the subject. I don’t think they’re too young to talk to them but at the same time children often start to worry that their mom will leave. They need the reassurance that you wont do that. I hope I didn’t ramble too much. It is a bit complicated in that you don’t want them to think you’ll ever run off and leave them and how do you explain to a child why a mom left and didn’t keep in touch when it’s hard for adults to understand it?

Best of luck to you & let us know how it goes.

I believe you are not making a big deal of this, you were very hurt as a child and this is how you deal with things. I would just let your child know that your real mother had some problems and could not raise you like you needed to be rasied and your father married a lady who was wonderful and could take her place. She rasied you like you were suppose to be raised. I couldn't imagine being in your shoes. Good luck with everything. Jennifer

Hi S.,

I don't have experience dealing with this exactly, but excellent experience with children your ages. I haven't read the other entries, but I feel like any oppotunity like you got is a great one to jump on. If it comes up again--be ready. That is not easy, but you can do it! Then you are just going with the flow and they hardly even remember how 'big a deal' the conversation is. Especially when you try acting like it isn't a huge deal. (hard I know!) When you do the whole 'sit down and talk' it does become a big deal. Kinda like 'the sex talk' with your parents. If you sit down to do it then we all remember how wierd and ackward it is. If you just go with it when they randomly ask, then they are likely to be more cool with it.

Trust me whenever I talk to students about someone being mean or whatever--as long as I can keep the Christian attitude about how we handle it--all my students ALWAYS are understanding and agreeable that we should just do the best with the situation. So specifically in your case, if your sons say Why isn't she your real mom, just off the cuff say well what do you think a real mom is? They will tell you all the things you do and then you say, well she did all those things for me so that is why I call her mom. It is just that another mom went to the hospital and had me when I was born just like I did when you were born. At this age, that may be just enough and they will be off with their trucks again. Sometimes they go anywhere with that next from... what is a hospital? :) I think as long as you stay calm and welcome their questions, they will be fine. When they are older they will come back and ask more and again be ready to go with the flow. I always admit to my kids how things make me feel--like if you do start crying or something. Just say, well it hurt my feelings that she did this to me, BUT I am so happy that mamma married grandpa and took care of me. She is such a great person. Aren't we glad we have mammaw? I just think it is so important for us to talk to kids about our emotions too, so don't be afraid to do it, you are just role playing what they may need to do down the line when they are hurt or sad.

Remember to tell your mammaw kinda what is going on too, so if anything does come up she knows how it all went down.

Best of luck! You will be great. :)
Amanda Jo