Explaining Death to a Toddler

I just wanted to add on to what Janet suggested. The link she gave is just an article about the show.
Here is the original website:
http://www.sesameworkshop.org/grief

I have watched it, and it is more geared towards helping adults talk to their children about death, than a show for children about death, even though kids can watch it, because they do have Elmo and his dad and cousin, who lost her father, in it.

The other response is good, about asking hospice people.
I lost my stepfather 3 years ago...
Developmentally, I can tell you---and this is very sad, I'm sorry---a 3 year old will forget his grandpa quickly.
In addition to trying to explain death to your son, you might consider writing down memories (from your son, or from you and your spouse) so that your son will be able to remember him through photos and stories.

I do not have the name of a book, but there are books. You might want to talk to one of the hospice nurses. They are experts on death and dying and may have some suggestions. Hospice nurses are very caring and creative in supporting the families of the patient.

I am sorry to hear about your stepfather.

Everyone has given you very good advice. The only thing I will add, and this comes from my own experience of having a 3 yo DS who lost his Grandpa last year, your DS needs the opportunity to say "good bye". For us, my kids both went to the memorial with me, they sang the hymns and said their good byes and listened to everyone's stories about Grandpa. Yes, little ones *do* get it. And yes they mourn too. They are full of questions, answer them as honestly as possible.

Side note: My DD was 5 when all this happened and I bought a book on loss to read together. I couldn't get through the pages without completely breaking down, it was so sad to read! My DD finally said, " you're not helping." She's was right. For me it was easier to answer her questions directly, and as they came up.

You'll find what works best for you. Sorry about your stepdad. ((((HUG))))

Hi A.,
I pray that your family will have the comfort they need through this process. I don't have any specific resources to share, but I did want to encourage you that children deal with death pretty well. My oldest daughter was 3 when her little sister passed away and she dealt with it very well. We told her that her sister had gone to live in heaven and gave her a simple explanation of what happened. As she got older she went through different stages of processing. More questions have come even now, she is 7 now, and I have started to explain a little more details. But the basic truth is what she learned as a 3 year old. God chooses the time for each person to die and go to heaven. We did deal with fear when she got old enough to make a connection with her own mortality, but she processed it pretty quickly. She also used to play death a lot, she would lay on the floor and said that she had died, or the character in her stories would die, etc. As much as I hated her to do that, I figured it was her way of processing her emotions through her play and eventually she stopped on her own. Listen and watch him carefully to see what he is feeling and continue to give him information as he needs it. Mostly just show him how much you love him.

Children are not well served when we treat death as if it's some secret too frightening to be endured. Your son may understand the idea of taking turns. Every person, animal, and plant gets a turn at living its life. When their turn is finished, they die so other people, animals, and plants can have their turn. For most of us, our turn is over when we are so old, tired and sick that we aren't enjoying being alive any more.

A three-year-old won't understand the finality of death. He will probably gradually forget Granddad except as recalled in family photos and stories.

It's quite okay for your son to see you grieve, as long as you don't get so lost in it you are unavailable to him. He'll be learning how to handle strong emotions and loss by watching you. The death will probably be far more emotional for you than for your son. He may ask a couple of questions, be sad for a little while, go play, and repeat the whole sequence a few times a day. Toddlers do not tend to stay focused on grief for very long.

I would avoid associating death with sleep, because this makes some kids dread going to bed at night.

Hugs to you all.

My 2nd grandson was 3 when my father died (his great grandpa). My sil's father died a little earlier in the year. Very difficult age because they understand that something is going on but they can't quite figure it all out.

When my sil's father died they couldn't figure out how to answer the 50th why question so they explained that sometimes older people have to die to make room for the new babies. When my dad died we told Nate that papa had a disease and died. He was better with the explaination of a disease.

Fast forward to a month ago when Nate told his mom that he didn't want to grow up because he didn't want to die to make room for new babies. Now they've got to figure out how to correct that.

My friend's 3 yr old was told that his grandfather was sick and the medicine wasn't working. The grandfather died. Fast forward to the 3 yr old coming down with a fever a couple weeks later and crying because 'what it the medicine doesn't work and I die.'

So choose your words carefully. Use disease not sick and explain how you are sad and that's ok because you'll miss your stepfather very much. Be ready to discuss this for a long time to come as your 3 yr old tried to understand the long term meaning of death.

There is a book called," What is Heaven Like?" It has a boy who lost his Grandpa and is asking everyone what they think heaven is like. It kind of explains that it's ok to be sad that he's gone but he's with the lord and that's the best place for him to be.
I'm not sure what your religious preferences are but it was a good book for my daughter.

There was recently a program showing Elmo coping with the loss of his Uncle Jack. It is a part of the series When Famlies Grive. A link to more information is here:
http://www.dcoe.health.mil/blog/article.aspx?id=1&pos...

my grandmother died in december and when i told the kids (4 & 2) they knew i was said and i told them that great grandma went to live in heaven and that we would not see her anymore. my mom told me to take them outside at night and show them the brightest star and tell them she was watching us. my 2 year old will think about her and tell me great grandma is in heaven, then my son will tell me that our dog is in doggy heaven

I am sorry you are going through this. I know there are books you can get but I don't have a specific one. Our son had just turned 1 when my MIL passed away. He knew something was going on because we would take him to the hospital to see her. I'm sure your son will remember better than ours did due to his age. Our son, now 3 1/2 remembers his grandma for some of the things she had given him during that first year and recognizes her in pictures of her and him we have throughout the house. She was in a wheel chair and he still runs up to people in wheel chairs I think because he remembers her. She used to take him around the house on it. For me to get through it I know she is in a better pain free place, she had cancer too, and can still watch over us. I'm sure you could say something similar to your son. We talk about her and show him pictures of her and him. He knows he can't see her and seems to be ok with that even at 3 1/2, he does get to see his other grandmother every year too and he knows the difference. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time.

I don't know how alert his is right now, she wasn't the last week or so, but maybe he could right a letter to him. My MIL did that throughout the first year and when he is older we will be able to share them with him. I just came across one the other day and it brought back a lot of wonderful memories.