Extended Family Boundaries

Good morning! This actually happened to me. I moved back from Hawaii and in with my parents until I could sell my condo in Hawaii. My daughter was a little over a year at the time and my brother and sister still lived at home. When I moved home the rules were like I was 18 all over again. I had a curfew of 2am. I also could not stay out all night unless I called in to tell them I would not be home. Even when I did that my mom asked a million questions. My daughter would go with me if I did stay out but my mom would frown upon it and made sure I knew she didn't approve of me staying over (usually at my new boyfriends house) with my daughter. Also, I was NEVER to assume that anyone in the house would watch Briana while I went to the store or tanning or any place I needed to go alone. I alwsys had to ask someone to babysit. I had to be careful how many times I asked too because at one point when I was job hunting I asked my mom too many times to babysit and she pointed it out to me that she felt like I was taking advantage of her. But overall, I had the same rules as my other siblings in the house. I had to clean up my room like everyone else and I had to make sure I picked up after me and my daughter out of courtesy. I had to understand that this was NOT my house, so I was to be respectful of everyone that lives there and not take over the house with baby/kid stuff. If Briana started to cry too much I had to take her for a car ride as to not bug everyone else. I had to respect my brother and sister's space and make sure Briana didn't roam into their rooms. That I think is the key with your younger daughter is that she may think her own personal space is going to be compromised by her older sister and her kids. If she wants to go into her room and turn up her radio, she should be allowed to and not have to worry about little ones roaming in and disrupting things. The younger sister is NOT a constant babysitter either and she should be asked if she could watch the kids while the older sister has to run an errand. Same goes for asking you to babysit. And you HAVE to say no once in awhile. Your life does not revolve around her and her kids schedule. She needs to be pushed to find other babysitters or change her own schedule to make it work.

I lasted about 9 months at my parents house before I finally sold my condo and got a house of our own in St. Charles. Thank god! I loved being close to my family since I had lived thousands of miles away for 6 years, but I was sooooo... ready to get a place of my own.

I have always been really active with Briana. Heck, I had Briana on the first day of spring break in graduate school and both her and I were back in class that next week. She started college early. LOL. We travel a lot and like to experience new things. With that being said, me and Briana were out of the house quite often doing things like going to the playground, friend's houses, fun places in the city, etc. Your older daughter should try to do the same thing. Get out of the house with the kids, go to the playground, go to the zoo. This will give space to people at home and some peace and quiet from time to time.

I hope all this has helped. It doesn't work for everyone but I hope your older daughter can understand where she now fits into this "new" home of hers without compromising everyone else's lifestyles. Good luck!

I have somewhat of a similar situation. My 19 y/o daughter moved back home and my 16 y/o daughter doesn't HATE it, but of course they argue like sisters, LOL.

In my opinion, your 16 y/o is going to hate the situation because she has had ONLY you for 5 years. Now, she has another "mom" in the house, and no offense, to watch over her and monitor what she is doing. Of course she is going to hate that.

You are the mom of both girls. I would tell them both to "grow up, face the situation as it is". You are not doing anything for one daughter that you would not do for the other. It IS one big happy family again. AND your older daughter needs to make sure that HER children are obeying the rules in YOUR house while they live there and later when they come to visit.

Peace, Good luck and God Bless :)

16 year olds are unhappy alot of the time anyway if the world isn't revolving around them. It's probably a terrible time for you to be distracted with the younger children when your daughter needs your attention now to help keep her grounded and out of trouble. Don't let yourself be too consumed with your daughters children. I really feel like this is a critical time for your youngest. And teens are really good at the shell game. You know blaming you for the situation to get you to let up on rules and feel guilty and give, and give and give. Now maybe Im wrong about your daughter. Maybe she's different? I would stand guard.

Hopefully if you have a big enough place maybe the little ones can use part. I would definitly not let the daughter and her children go into your youngest ones bedroom. She has to have something that is hers.

As for seperate families. Your not. She is the aunt to the kids. I wouldn't expect her to babysit unless she wants too. The oldest daughter should pay her or another babysitter to watch her kids. She should treat her kids like she lives alone. If she goes out they should
go with her.

Try to maybe go out alone with your youngest once a week. Maybe go window shopping and dinner. Just so she can open up if she needs too.

Tough situation. May God Bless you,
L.

I have to agree with the other poster. The 16 year old needs to be a little bit more understanding about her sister's situation. I'm sure the older one did not move back in because she just really wanted to live at home. She must be struggling or she would be there. I think you need to sit down with the 16 year old and have a good heart to heart. It sounds like she has some really fears about her sister moving in. This is a very tender time of life for any girl and she might be feeling like she is being pushed aside because of big sisters problems. Let her know that you love her just as much as you did before. Make sure you make time for her on an individual basis. Make sure everyone has a place where they can have there own personal space. As for boundaries, you need to let your older daughter be the mom to her kids. That can be really hard sometimes but make sure that you do not force your parenting methods on your daughter. She will probably makes some decisions about her children that you don't agree with but NEVER question her authority infront of the kids. Don't force the younger one to be the babysitter all the time. She does not need to become a second mom to the kids. Let her interact with the kids when she wants too and don't force them on her. Make sure that the kids know that she is not just another toy to play with. That doesn't mean that she shouldn't ever play with them but she should never be forced to or she will just hate it all the more. Encourage your daughters to talk to eachother and develop a relationship of trust. As everyone adjusts to the new situation, it will become easier and you will all figure out what boundaries work for you but don't force anyone to take responsibility of something that is not their own. Work together but allow everyone the space that they need to figure out there role. Hang in there!

My thoughts are that MOM makes the rules. YOU are the mom and homeowner, so you make the rules for your home. Your daughter is the mom of her kids, so she gets to make rules regarding them, but not to go against yours. Also, you shouldn't 'let' the grandkids do or have things mom wouldn't want (aka 'spoiling' them...if mom says no candy, then no candy, bedtime rules set by their mom, etc.). You need to lay down the law with your daughters, including no fighting because #1. They are BOTH your daughters and you love them both (and daughther # 2 may need to come home also someday!) AND #2. The (grand)children should never feel the tension in the home. They can pick up on it. They can be terribly affected by it. Teenager needs to get over it and try her best to be understanding.

Good Morning Sally, It's a difficult situation for everyone to be in. Your main concern is peace in your home. So what I would do personally is sit down with your daughters, explain to mostly your youngest you understand her feelings, and there are just some things that need to be because of the circumstances of them moving in for a while. We are sure it will not be forever, just a leg up so to speak. Then ask your oldest what rules she has for her children, and what is it you can do to help with that. Do they have a routine to follow, if not try and help work one out and stick to it.
Are you allowed to discipline the children? Or is that only mom's job.
Will she take responsibility for their toys, clothing care or is that a shared responsibility? Up keep and cleaning etc. Are there chores you want them both to help with or are you Willing to be their Maid... NOT!!!

If your oldest wants to go out sometime will she expect you to watch her children or will you insist she get a sitter?
It's easy to be taken advantage of. She can Pay her sister or you to watch them if she goes out.

I know it's hard but I have been there with our youngest son and his family. They started out living with us. After the second child was born we told them they had 6 months to find their own place. I was exhausted, our dil only did what she wanted too, (she has emotional issues, is all I'm gonna say). She did do their laundry but it took her 2 days to do it for 3 people then 4. She didn't pick up after them, spent her time on the couch being a couch tator. She didn't cook or help clean up. Our son helped the most, after he worked all day.
She does help now when they come to visit etc. But with her issues I didn't dare tell her any thing or suggest she take care of her children. Yea police were called several times.

For my own mental health they had to GO. I still have a great relationship with our son and gr kids and our daughter in law is doing better (SOME TIMES) I still want to grab hold of her and give her a HARD shake and tell her to grow the Heck up. But then I would have to run as fast as i can, and I'm an old person...lol would wet my britches running....lol

Set rules for all of you Sally, and just try to stay Sane!!

God Be with all of you through this difficult new path.
K. Nana of 5

Boy ! Do I feel for you !
I have had this same situation several times.

My 28 year old has moved home several times over the last 6 years with her daughter. Sometimes just the two of them, sometimes with the father of my granddaughter. My youngest who is now 21, was just about your youngest daughter's age when all this started happening. She too resented the situation.
Actually, we all resented the situation. Not that I would begrudge my daughter and granddaughter a safe place to sleep and food for their tummies, but the whole thing does create a strain for all involved.

Of course those grandchildren need you and you will be focusing a lot of time and attention on them, but your youngest has her needs too. Don't short change her. She is still growing up in your home and deserves to be able to do that and have a full time parent just as her sister did.

Your oldest, though you love her very much, has had her time "in the nest" and it is not her sister's fault that she made the decisions she did that have given her two children by age 24 and landed her back in her mother's home. It would be unfair of her to expect such a large "piece" of you that it takes away from her sister's share.

Your oldest needs to understand that this is a temporary situation, and she should be actively and aggressively working toward independence. This was her home once, but not now. She is a guest now, and as such can expect to be treated with respect, yet there are boundaries she must not cross or disrespect. She must pull her fair share of the chores, bills, etc. Give all of you your space, and understand that neither your youngest nor yourself are built-in babysitters. If you get lax on any of these issues, trust me, you WILL grow to resent it, in spite of your best efforts not to, and it will be bad for all of you.

Now, that having been said, your youngest, too, needs to understand that the children involved here are not to blame. They had no choice in the matter, and also have a right to be wanted and loved. She needs to understand she is their aunt. They love her, and because she is a teen, she is "cool" in their eyes. She will be an example to them whether or not she wants to, so she must be on her best behavior. They also can be very hurt if she rejects them, so she needs to be compassionate toward these little ones who have had their lives disrupted, too. She can expect her space (privacy) and deserves respect, but in turn she must remember to respect the other members of the household and not tread on any one else's feelings because she is "put out". It never makes sense to make a bad situation worse.

I really, really sympathize with you. You are on a path of great joy as well as great frustration, with no real clear road markers as to where to go from here.

If you need to vent, feel free to e-mail me.
B.

How lucky you are to spend time with your grandchildren! Anyway, regarding your 16 year old. As long as your 16 year old has her space and everyone is not invading it - she will be fine. Of course, as you know, they go through that time and need that space. Remember when you were 16 and now sudden she has to share her space and probably grandchildren get your time too. Give her your time if she needs it - just ask her. She will let you know. Sometimes they don't know what they need and just make time for her anyway. I'm sure she will come around. It's hard for kids to understand, but as long as there are rules for everyone (little ones) to follow they should be held accountable to rules, especially when it come to your daughter's space. Also, she should not feel pressured to baby-sit unless she wants to do it. That too can cause resentment. I believe if you all sit down and talk and set up rules that work for everyone. I'm sure you all will be fine. Best wishes!

Good luck. You need to set strong boundaries with your daughter who moved back in with kids and also be sure to spend alone time with 16 year so she knows she is not abanoned.

Sally,

I know you have received a lot of advice, but I felt I needed to answer you on this one. First and foremost sit both your girls down, have a paper for everyone and start a list of problems each is having, set rules as to space and if your 16 year old has her own room then it should be off limits to the grandkids unless she wants them in there. It is hard, you don't want to make it where she is the boss, but at 16 she needs some space to herself. How big is your home? Can the daughter and grandkids have the basement for their living area?

We moved in with our daughter and son-in-law with 4 grankids and our youngest daughter was 17 at the time. We sat down and explained to her why we were doing this, which was a son-in-law leaving for Iraq and a daughter who suffers from panic attacks. Although she wasn't happy she did adjust!! The kids were told that this is her room, you cannot go in without her knowing it, if she says no then it's no. It took a little while but things did work out. It is VERY hard when combining 2 families for any period of time. The grandkids had to adjust as well as grandma and papa played a new role in their lives! But when dad came home and we moved out there were lots of tears even though we still live very close to one another!!

Hang in there, be sure and spend quality time with just YOU & YOUR 16 year old! She needs reassurance. I know some have said tell her to just deal with it, but at her age that isn't always the best solution. Sit and talk with her one-on-one, find out what her problems are and just let her talk! Then answer her with possible solutions to the problems! It will work out and trust me I do know as my husband and I combined families when he had kids who were teenagers and my oldest daughter was 4 years younger then his youngest son!! So lots of experience with dealing with these types of problems!!! Not always fun, but you will make it!

Hope this helps,
L.

I would like to suggest a different perspective than most of the posts I've read. However much space may or may not be an issue for this family and however much we might want to say things like, "Just grow up," the fact is that we all need to grow up... all the time! But that is like telling a 16 year old, "Just drive the car." They need instructions and the need to practice in order to develop the skills necessary for driving successfully. The same is true about learning to be grown up. There are a number of specific skills children (and adults) need to develop in order to 'just grow up'. The fact is that we need challenging situations in order to develop most of those skills. It sounds like your family has a perfect situation for learning and growing!

First, people get frustrated when they feel something is unfair or unacceptable and they do not see any possibility for problem solving. I recommend that you sit your daughters down and tell them that everyone has rights and prerogatives and that the three of you are going to learn how to discuss everyone's needs respectfully. Everyone has a right to respect, so everything that needs to be said needs to be said respectfully. Everyone needs to be heard. If the speaker's anger is pushing the hearer away, then the speaker is not serving her own goal of being heard. It is the speaker's responsibility to speak respectfully, to ask for help and understanding if they are having trouble with their feelings or trouble expressing what they want to say. I learned from a very wise woman many years ago that when someone is angry, they can just say, "I'm angry!" But they tend to say things like, "You stupid idiot!" This latter approach rarely engenders the understanding and support they desire.

You might start with the question, "Would everyone here like to feel supported and respected by everyone here?" Then ask, "Would everyone here like to be heard when they have something to say?" Then ask, "So, why don't we make a pact to become each other's encouragers?" That way if someone forgets to speak respectfully, the others can say, "How can I help you say what you need to say so I can understand it?"

You could also ask everyone to make lists. Each of you could list what you feel you need to function and live happily. Then, perhaps, each of you can make a list of the benefits of living together as well as a list of the challengeThen sit down and share your lists with each other. Understanding, respect, fairness, flexibility, humor, patience, courtesy, caring, etc. - these are the skills that need to be developed. As you approach this as a 'teachable moment', your daughters and grandchildren will learn and develop much. So will you!

I learned most of these strategies in a book by Linda K. Popov, The Family Virtues Guide. You may want to buy that book for your daughters and tell them it is required reading. Then you can say something like, "I didn't have this book when you were younger. So, we are going to learn it together for my grandchildren. I'm older, so I'll need you to be patient with me and help me learn this way of doing things."

From my experience, understanding, respect, and generosity of spirit will help everyone find and agree upon the rules and boundaries that work best. If you try to set rules and boundaries arbitrarily for your children at these ages, they are not likely to effectively solve the underlying resentments. If you decide to make a list of rules you all agree upon, make sure love is at the top of the list!

Hope these ideas give you some helpful food for thought.

Good Morning Sally,

Boy do I feel for you!

Your youngest has gotten so use to having you to herself that it will be hard for her to have to share again! Also she will no longer be the baby!

The thing that both of your girls need to remember is you are a family! If you can't count on your family to stand by you and help you out when you need them, then who can you?

The youngest one needs to stop and think how she would feel if she were the one needing help.

The oldest one needs to remember that although you are her mother too, she has been gone for a while and is now essentially "invading" her sisters space. And it's not just her she has children as well!

But actually what it all boils down to is it is YOUR home and they all need to abide by and follow what ever rules you may lay out for them!

Good luck and ENJOY all of the children - especially those Grandbabies!

N.

hey sally, first off i just moved my brother into an aunt's house, so i feel you- it's just a hard time right now for lots of people. i don't know if your older daughter has her own room, own floor, or any kind of her own space in your home, but that helps. it will be a big adjustment for them too. you don't mention how old your younger daughter (at least the one who has lived with you the last 5 years) is, but to me these sound like grown or mostly grown women, and i'm sorry but that is her sister, she needs to suck it up. they are both your daughters and have the same right to your help and hospitality. i understand that your other daughter may be underage and has no choice, but it doesn't mean she has a right to begrudge her sister and her children a place in your home. i don't really see any place for her to complain or be surly about it, especially when there are kids in the house. you don't get to "hate" your sister or your sister's kids. no offense but she kind of sounds like a spoiled brat. some resentment may be reasonable, but she needs to swallow it and not let anyone else see it. especially her mother, who is trying to do her best for BOTH her girls. i wouldn't force the sisters to eat meals together if they don't want to, but just like if they were kids, everyone needs to be respectful and get along. -both your daughters need to take responsibility for themselves and theirs, and this should not be added work for you. as long as everyone cleans up after themselves (and/or their small children) it should not be a huge drama. GOOD LUCK, and bless you for helping your daughter. i'm a mother of a small child too, and it's such a comfort knowing that my mother would always take me in if i needed it. moms are awesome!

I highly suggest reading; the "Birth Order" Book written by Dr. Kevin Leberman. You can order it online or go to your local book store or Christian Book store. It has been a HUGE help to me.
Good luck and God Bless, I will keep you in my prayers.