EXTREMELY Bad Behavior

i would talk to his doctor. maybe have him evaluated for behavioral problems. i also have 2 boys who are now 11 and 13. my youngest started acting out at 5 years old, just after he first started school. come to find out, he has oppositional defiance disorder with adhd. my oldest has autism. i know what you're going through. even with my 11 year old on meds there are days where i want to pull my hair out. *HUGZ* and i hope this helps you some.

Maria,

What you discribe is not typical 3 year old behavior. Make an appointment with a Developmental Pediatrician as soon as possible. Call the nearest children's hospital, this is not your regular pediatrician, this professional will do a full evaluation that includes phsyical, develpmental, sensory etc, all the things that others have mentioned here as possible causes of your sons missery, and he sounds too misserable to me for you to guess and stab in the dark about why he is having such trouble managing himself.

There are literally hundreds of things that could be causing his problems, it could be many different things combined, and you will kick yourself if it turns out that you could have helped him and failed to do so. He deserves to have an evaluation that will miss nothing and the earliest targeted intervention you can get him. Get it in the works today. Time is free, unless you let it go by without appropriate treatment for what ever is causing him to feel so terrible.

M.

Hi Maria,

First I want to say that my thoughts and prayers are with you. You sound so frustrated and tired and hurt. In this situation that is extremely understandable. As moms we have the usual duties and responsibilities of caring for our home and family, but the underlying reason is most often so that they will be happy. To work that hard and give that much and still find they are not happy can be very defeating. No matter what course of action you take, I want to really encouraged you to take care of yourself. Make sure you are taking time to replenish yourself every day. If this means tagging dad in so that you can take a bath, go for a walk, read a book for an hour, attend a M.'s group, or whatever will give you some time, then you should be doing that regularly so that you don't wear yourself to the point of just emotional exhaustion.

Secondly, I agree that you should take your son to see his dr. for a referral to get some evaluations done. Just to rule out things that need special attention and to give you a "jumping off" point on how to begin to handle it.

It can take a while to line that all up and actually make it happen so in the meantime I would do some things to help ease things for him and for you just a bit.

1) Get some sort of schedule. When he wakes up, when he eats, when he naps, when he goes to bed.

2) I would find some structured activities for him. Find things for him to do that are fun and can also be therapeutic. Playdough; sand/water/beans/maccaroni/rice in a plastic tub with toys to scoop, measure, and pour; a thin layer of salt on a cookie sheet that he can trace in with his fingers; finger paint; pouring water from cup to cup; shaving cream on the table. These will help him to focus on something and will also get his hands busy.

3) Be firm in your choices. Don't be apologetic when he is not happy with your choices. Don't reason or explain a lot of stuff. Give him two choices when you can and stick with his decision. When it is all up to you make a choice and stick with that. Any time you find yourself justifying your choices to a three yr. old you have lost a battle. Any time you find yourself going back on your word and sacrficing your own judgement to his will you have lost a battle.

4) Make sure he is getting way more attention for his good choices that he is for the bad ones. When he is behaving well, no matter how infrequent, that is when you stop what you are doing to hug him, tell him how proud you are and reward his good choices - no matter where you are or what you are doing. If he throws a fit, don't entertain it. Remove him from you and your younger son. Put him calmly and quietly in another room until he can calm down.

I hope this helps.

L.

The bedtime thing you described could have been my son at three. It used to drive me bonkers, because nothing we ever did would make him satisfied. We also got our son into occupational therapy through the school system and he went to preschool with an IEP. Plus, I stopped trying to make him happy. If he threw a fit at bedtime, I would tell hum that I wasn't going to be screamed at and if he wanted to be tucked in, he would stop throwing a fit and get into bed. Otherwise, I just walked away until he stopped. That wasn't easy, but it didn't last long. Once I stopped being sucked in to the drama and power struggle, things became much easier. Now he is a sweetheart and his teachers compliment his manners all the time.

Dear Maria,
When my kids were young, I used Growing Kids God's Way(GKGW). It helped us tremendously even to this day and my kids are 15 & 17. Go to gfi.org for books etc.. I would suggest to purcahse the CD & book so you can listen to it in the car or at home. Your husband needs to be on the same page so he needs to listen with you. L. J

talk with your doctor and or see a therapist. It sounds like your child might have a form of autism?
At the very least he needs to be seen by a therapist to see why he behaves so negative.
I would say he is just trying to get attention, but it appears he is taking all the attention.
I hate labels too but sometimes they are needed so that you can all get some relief and some sort or normancy to your life.
Best wishes.

Hi, Maria,
If it were me and my son.....

although I agree with Melodie about seeing a therapist, I would not do it until after I had:

1) Established a strict, no alterations daily schedule so the children know what was coming, and when.

2) Gotten rid of any and ALL television, video, computer time.

3) Dressed my children for the weather and put them outside daily for at least three hours (not necessarily in a row, just 3 hours altogether).

4) Removed any foods with dye from their diets, cut WAY back on sugars, and pushed the water (to 45 oz a day), fruits, and veggies.

Then if behaviors hadn't changed after three weeks, I would seek the help of a therapist.

Best of luck to you and your family. I hope you find a solution soon so you can quit blaming yourself. We have enough guilt in motherhood - Lord knows we don't need more! :)

Blessings,
J.

Might want to pick up a copy of RAISING RESPECTFULLY CHILDREN.

YOu have gotten some good advice here. A regular doctor cannot help you with this. Sensory, allergy, communication, there are many things that could be causing this. I started with a pediatric neurologist. From there we were able to figure out what was going on and hen find the right specialist to help out. Some diagnosis' cannot be identified until they are older so a neurologist would be the first way to go. If you are in Cleveland, University Hospitals is the way to go.

I have a son who is now 4 almost 5 years old. He was prone to temper tantrums. I found a few things that helped me.

First of all read the book raising your spirited child by Mary Kurcinka. This book was a life saver. It taught me how to be a better parent. It taught me how to parent for my child's temperment.

Second remove all artificial dyes and preservatives from your child's diet. He may have an intolerance which is not the same as an allergy. My son is extremely intolerant of red dye #40 especially when combined with artificial sweetener ( like in crystal light)

Locate help for yourself and your child. The two things that I mentioned can be started while waiting for your first doctor or therapy appointment.

I hope this information helps. We have all been there. Before I knew about Colin's intolerance to red dye, I would have thought he needed intervention and that something serious was wrong. So be sure to look at all of the possibilities and start doing the things you can that don't involve a prescription right away.

hi Maria..you and yer lil boy will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight..i wish i had a reason for you..my lil boy( now 5) was and still is a screamer, he has come down alot tho since he was 3...so good news is in sight for you. But just for simple stuff, try looking at what he eats/drinks. I discovered lil debbies cakes really did set my son off on his behavior, just all the sugar i guess. I am not a ADHD or AD&D fan, but my oldest son has AD&D and my lil boy acts very similar to him. So just watch that also. Good luck and God Bless

Maria,
The first thing I would recommend is that you do what you need to do to take care of YOU! Call in the troups- ask for help, take a break, join a M. support group-etc. Also, what you have described sounds alot like my son's behavior as an infant/toddler. By age 2, he was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and began receiving therapies- and we began to see improvement. There is a lot of good advice already posted. Heed what you choose and let the rest slide. My 2 cents about the recommended books- The Out of Sync Child absolutely rocked our world. It is second only to the Bible for us as a guide to life. Regarding anything by John Rosemond, well, I can't even read most of his stuff because he is a huge proponent of spanking and other borderline abusive forms of discipline. He makes no concessions at all for a child's individual tempterament or individuality- it is "one punishment fits all kids". Again- just my opinion. I still recommend reading all the books you can get your hands on and making your own judgements. Use what is useful to you and conisder the rest just someone else's alternative approach.
Take a deep breath and know that you are a good M.!!!! If you weren't- you would not have taken the time to seek advice!

I know this might feel like it's too early...but you never know about certain chemical inbalance's....might happen in one child and not the other....you might want to check w/ a doctor????

Oh my...this brings back memories! Granted there is not sme underlying issue it sounds like youhave a strong willed child (I never really fully understood what that meant until I realized I had one). There are many books out there that deal with this, but one I actually really liked, unerstood and could practically apply is 'The Strong Willed Child' by Dr. James Dobson. Wishing you patience and persistance because once you understand how your SWC thinks everyone is much happier and your son will excell in ways you never imagined.

I have to say that sadly, I wasn't surprised when I read that most of the responses said you should get him checked out for behavioral issues. BUT, please remember that in today's age, so many mothers are too proud and too embarassed to admit that it could be anything THEY are doing wrong. It's always, "oh, he must have ADD or autism or be eating something that's not agreeing with his metabolism" Sure, there are exceptions, but for the most part, what these things say to me is "Well, I can't see how it could possibly be MY fault, so it MUST be the child" Let's all start to look in the mirror when our kids are showing out of control behavior and not run to the doctors PLEASE!!!

Your son has you wrapped around his finger. He knows at this point that he can get away with anything and everything and STILL get positive attention from you. When he is screaming because of bedtime, and STILL getting a kiss from momma like he hasn't done anything wrong, my question is why WOULDN'T he continue the screaming? It prolongs his bedtime, doesn't it??

You have a strong willed child who has gained control over you and WANTS to be in control, and the thing you have to do is get the control BACK. So what if your 2 year old is totally fine, that doesn't mean anything except that he is NOT a strong willed child. I have a 7 year old strong willed daughter, and a 6 year old sweet as pie son. You have to parent the two completely differently. With my daughter, I have to have very particular things in place. For instance, if I want her to pick up her room, I say "before you do anything else, go pick up your room" If I just say "pick up your room", I hear every excuse in the book as to why she can't do it right then. When she was your son's age, here are some things I did...When she threw a fit, I walked out of the room without talking or looking at her. If she followed me into the other room, I would pick her up from behind her, take her to her room, tell her she could come out when she's finished crying, shut the door, and hold it shut from the outside. As soon as she stopped crying, I would open the door with a smile on my face and say "OH! You are finished, now you can come play!" and I'd let her out. When I opened the door, if she started crying again, I would say "oh, you're not finished, but when you are, you can come out" It was a power struggle to her the first time, but I hung in there until she got the picture that crying for no reason = time out in room by herself. And, just to put into perspective how well this works, I only had to do it a few times. Now, I never got to the point where all the control was on the kids' side, so it will take you longer, but it's completely possible for it to only take you a few days if you're consistent. I also used the corner a lot. My kids had no ridiculous "naughty chair", they simply stood in the corner, with their forehead touching the wall. They had to stand for usually about 3 minutes, but if they moved away, talked, or were disruptive, I would add on 1 minute each time. If she fought over a toy, I simply walked up to her, took it away, and put it on top of the fridge without looking or talking to her. She had to learn that I was the parent, and the one in control, because Lord knows, she wanted to make it the other way around. If you go to lay him down and offer a kiss and he says "NO!" then say "okay, well, I love you, and goodnight" and walk out. If he says he wants one all of a sudden, explain to him, "I'm sorry, it's bedtime now, so you will have to get your kiss in the morning." If you don't, you'll have a game going where he'll say he doesn't want one, then he does, then he doesn't, then he does. You could even say before you get up to leave his room that it's his last chance for a goodnight kiss so he has the option of getting one before time runs out.

It always gets worse before it gets better. He knows he can break you, so he's going to escalate his behavior to see where that breaking point is. He's going to scream so loud tonight when he thinks you are going to come back in for a kiss that you're going to think the neighbors will call the police, but that's all part of his learning process. You're basically going to have to teach him what his limits are and what your rules and expectations are all over again. Since he has his own idea of these things already, he's going to challenge you because he's used to them being a certain way and doesn't want them to change. But, if you stick with it, he'll be a much happier child. If you can get ahold of just the tantrums by putting him in his room, the bad behaviors that land him in the corner throughout the day, and the nighttime kiss thing, other parts of his behavior will begin to get better too because he'll learn that you are the one in control.

Hi Maria,
I'm the mother of two also, a 7yr. old boy and a 3 yr. old girl. I had a similar situation. My oldest is more challenging behaviorally than my youngest. I remember feeling like,"what am I doing wrong." Nothing that was reccommended to me or that I read in any book seemed to work. He would cry in resturaunts and sometimes hide under the table. He would get upset in crowds and try to fight. When my son was four, I finally went to see a behavioral therapist at the advice of my sister. She met us once and diagnosed my son with sensory processing disorder. She reccommended occupational therapy and within a month of therapy, I saw a huge improvement! Some of his behavioral problems had to do with sensory overload. I could see that he wanted to behave and listen, but he wasn't able. We still struggle sometimes and I'm sure my son will often be the more challenging one, but it's alot better and now I know some of the reasons behind his frustration.

I didn't get enough details about your sons behavior to necessarily think he has the same thing going on, but I would reccommend seeing a therapist. Even that first visit was such a releif and she taught me how to cope and some tools for better interacting with my son. You may also want to read "The Out-Of-Sync Child" by Carol Stock Kranowitz.
Good luck Maria! I would encourage you to keep looking for answers and know that having a perfectly behaved child doesn't make you a perfect M.. Having a behaviorally challenging child doesn't make you a bad M.. I know it can feel that way when your son is having a complete meltdown in the middle of the grocery!

M. S.

That does sound hard! But also I've heard of other kids acting this way too, so dont feel like you're alone. Kids can be sooooo challenging, and make you feel like you're doing something wrong when you're not. As you can see with the two you have every kid is different. He definately seems like maybe he's trying to test his boundaries with you. I personally havent dealt with this, but my M.-in-law tells me my husband was quite the challenge when he was a kid. Always trying to push her buttons, and make her angry. And he even remembers longing to make her upset! She said the best method that worked with him was to keep calm, no matter what and lot him get a rise out of her. At night when you try to kiss him and he refuses then screams later he wants one, maybe try calmly and quickly opening his door and saying I will give you a kiss tonight but now tomorrow when you refuse, I wont come back. Then don't. Im sure that will be hard, but he has to see you mean business. Try that method with alot of things, ignore the tantrums after calmy trying to reason with him. He should come around. I have heard that alot of tantrums are just ways of a child getting their parents attention. Maybe also try giving him some quality one on one time each day. Maybe he's just needier right now, and has no other way of expressing that!! P.S. my husband turned out to be just fine lol Very sweet loving and intelligent man! Good Luck