Extremely Shy and Cautious Child HELP!!

P.,

My daughter is sometimes shy and I was very concerened at one point. I found a wonderful book that may help you. It's "The Shy Child, Helping Children Triumph over Shyness" by Ward K. Swallow, Ph.D.

It really helped me understand how my daughter was feeling, and offers strategies for helping by age group, from toddlers through high school. For me, understanding what she was thinking, even though it's not rational to me, was very helpful and enabled me to be more empathetic and not get frustrated with her. Best of luck to you.

P.,

I have a daughter that was just like what you are describing. I had some of the same feelings that you have but I will tell you she eventually grew out of it. It took a while but I just kept working at it. Basically I did what you did by being there for her and encouraging her. I remember thinking that she was missing out on so much but she was completely content with they way it was. I remember when she first started playing softball when she was about 8 yrs old. I was so excited that she was up to bat all by herself and what a long way she had come. I could have cared less if she hit the ball or not! She became a cheerleader. Imagine that!

My advice, which may not be instantaneous, is just to bear with it and do what you have been doing and one day he will grow out of it or overcome it. My older daughter was outgoing so this was kinda strange to me but each child is different. At least that is what I had to keep telling myself.

You will probably look back one day and say what a long way we have come. It think you are on the right track.

L.

You have gotten a lot of good tips. Just remember to go slow and don't expect change overnight, but be persistant in trying to get him to be more social. Make sure you talk to his teacher and get her help as well. Sometimes kids respond better to other adults. Moms can be too much of a crutch at times. My daughter was extemely shy especially. She went through kindergarten without saying anything in class. Throughout the entire year she never had a true conversation with the teacher. She was just too shy and the teacher was too intimidating. Luckily, she had an amazing 1st grade teacher that knew exactly how to deal with shy children. By the end of the year my daughter could answer questions in class and participate in class discussions. At 13 she is still shy in new situations and would never start a conversation with a stranger which will probably never change, but we still try to encourage her. It can be frustrating at times, but I love my daughter's reserved personality. She never feels the need to be the center of attention, she is not bossy, she doesn't gossip or get into other people's business, and she is not a loud and obnoxious teenager. Lots of positives!!

You will just have to give him more time on his own. He will eventually grow out of this more than likely. Don't be gentle about it. Tell him if he doesn't want to play, fine but that you're going over here to read a book. Don't play with him. Have your other boy invite him over every once in a while without pushing him. Give him a toy. But, what ever you do, don't play with him or hold him during this time. Tell him not to hang on you either. Be firm. Let him sit and play by himself, walk him over to where the others are, have him sit and play if he wants, but don't let him hang on you. Leave and go read a book or something that keeps him from getting your attention. If he knows you feel sorry for him, he will play on that emotion. My 2 oldest ones have been just the same. I've really had to go against my tender feelings for them for their own sake. It has worked, but it wasn't easy. My last one isn't much the same, he just goes without me most of the time. But, my other 2 would cling for dear life even when they were in a very known and comfortable setting. I realized I was only hurting them by coddling them. Eventually, they will want to join the others. And if not, they will at least play on their own without needing me. That's good for them too. They need to be able to entertain themselves and not care if they are by themselves or not.

Shyness runs in our family too. I always tell my children, "It's okay to be shy, but it's not okay to be rude." So when someone asks them a question (like a family member they don't normally see, a teacher, a stranger etc), they need to answer (this has been a big one for us).

As far as the party scenario goes, I would probably play that card again too (because it fits and because it works). Perhaps something like, "It's okay to be shy, but it's not okay to be rude. Your friend invited you to her party to play with her. She will be sad on her birthday if you don't play a little." Then give him a choice of 2 things he could do, like, "So would you like to go down the slide, or would you rather go through the tunnel?" or something like that.

My oldest and my niece will probably always be shy, and, honestly its one of the million little things that I love about them! But its important to us that they do respond when they are spoken to and that they treat others the way they like to be treated.

Please remember that some people are just shy. It is a tough thing to overcome and not necessarily that important. Personally, I think people put too much emphasis on having lots of friends. As he gets older if he has one or two friends that he is close with and that he can depend on, he doesn't need to be the most popular or outgoing. My son isn't necessarily shy but he is a loner. He prefers to be by himself more than with a lot of kids and that is just part of his personality. I know it can be frustrating when you want him to go have fun and they are holding on to your leg. Your little boy is still quite young, I was so shy I cried every day in kindergarten (EVERY DAY) and now I am really an outgoing person (although I still love my alone time). He might outgrow this once he meets some kids he connects with or he might just prefer being by himself. I think it is okay to push him out of his comfort zone a little but please continue to be sensitive to how hard it must be for him! :)

My child was always very shy. She is an only child and very intelligent, but I sometimes think her goal in life is to go unnoticed. We have really tried to help her, by putting her in situations that would help her learn how to participate in groups. We taught her about social expectations, just like we taught her everything else.
We told her that if she does not respond to other people, they may think she is not very friendly.

Is there any way he could attend school all 5 days? Also consider putting him in a private pre kindergarten class. This way he will have an entire year to prepare for "real" school fall 2010. Could he take swimming lessons, art classes? This way he is meeting other children in different situations. We also used to do as many group things with our neighborhood, so she would have some friends when we went to other events. We also tried to do a lot of volunteer things since she was young. This was a great way for her to be exposed to a variety of people.

We all want to protect our children from being frightened, embarrassed or feeling alone. But these are the things, that as parents we must teach our children or they will never learn to be independent.

Does he know how to greet people? When you introduce him to other adults do you have him shake hands and say hello? If not teach him to do this. Do not refer to him as shy. This gives him an out. Just let him know that people like to know who he is and the way to honor that, is for him to respond. Practice introducing him to people he already know. Also have him practice with stuffed animals. Have him introduce you and his father to his stuffed animals.

When he meets other children, he should respond with hello. Every time. Practice at home.

Also when you go to a restaurant. Teach him to order what he would like. Teach him to look people in the eyes. These are rules of our society and just like rules of behavior, he will feel like if he knows rules, he can follow them. Practice at home at dinner. Let him be the waiter and have him serve you. Always use please and thank you. Have him place the order to you. Remind him some restaurants are loud, so he needs to speak up. Maybe offer him dessert of his choice if he will order his main meal in a restaurant. If you go to a fast food place have him place the order.

He may never be really social and out going.. Our daughter does ok, but I wish she were more confident in public. It did help that as she got older, her grades and accomplishments, forced her to be recognized and she realized she was successful, but I worried when she went so far away for college. She finished her freshman year with great success and told us her goal is to be "House President" Her junior year! Never, has she ever done anything like that before. We are thrilled, but not making a big deal out of it in front of her.

My oldest child (12) has been extremely shy since birth. He walked around with a hand over his face until he was 6. He refused to talk or even look at anyone. He is still shy and has a very difficult time talking to people. He truly enjoys being alone and lost in his own thoughts. He is a very smart child. We also played the "it is ok to be shy but it is not ok to be rude..." When we first started, I told him; you do not have to speak, but you do have to look at people. Then, I started "you don't have to hold a conversation, but you do have to speak to people..." We put certain expectations out for him to help him become more social. I bought him a shirt this past year for Christmas that says, "you read my shirt, that is enough social interaction for today."

With all that being said, right now he is at National History Fair, where he has to be judged by strange adults. He had to interview experts. He has to talk to other students he doesn't know etc...

My advice: encourage him to reach certain goals of interaction, encourage him to be himself, allow him to be quiet without being rude. Don't do everything for him!

Hi P.
I really don't have any advice about your situation. But wanted to let you know that my now 19 year old son was the same way. It would just break my heart to see him not out with the other kids and these were kids that he had gone to school with his whole life. My son graduated with 17 kids in his class and the majority of them (I'd say 13 of them) he had known since kindergarten. He was liked by everyone but he only had 2 really good friends his whole time in school. He might go out with his friends once every 3 or 4 months when he got into high school. He was the child I knew I never had to worry about coming home drunk or worse because he just never went out with his friends. I would offer my car, money or whatever to get him to go but still he would prefer to stay at home. Then his senior year he started dating his first real girlfriend and he did come out of his shell some but that only lasted about 3 months then she moved back with her mom in a different town and they didnt see each other anymore. Well he graduated May 2008 and in August of 2008 he joined the Navy. He is now a Corpman and is stationed in Camp Lejeune North Carolina going threw combat training with the marines. He has become a more confident young man then he was when in school but I think back when he was glued to my side as a young child and I wish he still was. We are very proud of his choice but..... I still do not want to lose my son for the sake of this country and being a corpman and assigned to a marine battalion that could be deployed at anytime is more heart breaking then having that little boy glued to my side. Anyway I was also very shy and when I got older and was able to get a job after school it helped that I went to work at Luby's where I had to talk to people. It made me come out of my shell some and when I got other jobs they also where in the public and I was made to come out even more. I am still shy when in a big group but at least now 1 on 1 I can carry on a converstaion. You can not make your son over come his shyness but you can be there along the way to help him. Good luck with you boys and god bless you and your family. :)

S.

I wonder why he's so scared... Is it all possible that something frightened him when you were away at some point? Does he do better if you invite one of his friends over to your home? I would try that for awhile. Help him build trust. Also, find an activity he loves and get him involved. This may help him build conffidence. Just some thoughts...

I am actually going through the same situation with my 5 year old son. It breaks my heart when I see how he excludes himself from other class mates or activities. We just enrolled him in Baseball to see if that will help be more socially involved. Any other advise?

One thing you might think of doing is finding a traditional martial arts school that has children's classes. They are absolutely wonderful with helping a child learn how to be part of a group and how to integrate and interact with others. It's preferable to team sports at this age, because the class set up does not allow a child to isolate him/her self from the group dynamic.

My daughter was similar in her shyness and wanting to be with Mom and Dad - although not to this degree.

You might want to start setting up a few play dates with close friends and explain to him that you will be dropping him off for a few hours and returning at a set time to pick him back up. The first few times may be difficult - that's why I would involve close friends - but this may help.

What about other activities - other than preschool - that he needs to be dropped off and left? Vacation Bible School, activities at your local YMCA, team sports (this could really be helpful), etc.

I would also suggest you put your son into full day kindergarten when the next school year begins.

Give it a try and good luck.