Facebook Questions

I was thinking about what I would do. I would get a Facebook account of my own and add him as a friend. You can see who he talks to, but without being a "nosey mom". I hope this helped!

If you have no reason to distrust and do not feel comfortable getting his password, then you should not do it. On Facebook you can become his 'friend' and see most of his page anyway. You can view his friends and you can view responses made on his page. You cannot view his private messages but most messages are posted on the page and there for all to see. You would go onto FB and then request to be his 'friend' and then he would confirm it. You can have the talk with him first and tell him that you are going to do it...he may not be happy to have his mom on there though. :o) If you trust him, let it go. If you have reason to be suspicious, demand he let you see his page.

I just have my two daughters as friends on facebook. This way I see their posts and those of friends who have befriended me, enough info. to know what is going on without being too intrusive.

Hi V.!
I know responding to this that I am going to be in the minority. My opinion is probably very different from many other mothers.

My children are ages 19, 17, 12, and 4. My two older sons have facebook pages. I have good kids and I trust them. I have heard all the horror stories about kids and the internet. I explained all of that to my children when they first got on the internet...I explained online predators, that what you put on the internet is there forever so think carefully before you post anything, etc.

I am not a controlling parent. I have very open communication with my children. I trust my children and my children trust me. My 17 year old son tells me which of his friends are having sex with their girlfriends. My oldest son told me that when he and his friends went off to college he could tell which kids had controlling overprotective parents within the first week. The kids who had never been given freedom with responsibility went a little crazy. One of them was arrested for public drunk the first night on campus. One of them flunked out of school the first semester. I asked his friend who flunked out of school what happened. He said, I had never had that much freedom before and I didn't know how to handle it.

I believe that we give our children freedom one step at a time as they are ready for it. If your children are ready for the freedom of having their own facebook page that you don't monitor then give it to them. When you have good kids you need to trust them. If you have taught them their whole lives to make good choices then they will make good choices. Now sure, they are going to slip up once in awhile...we all do. If you trust your kids you will be the one that they come to when they make a mistake to help them correct the mistake.

I don't monitor their facebook pages. I don't read their text messages. My kids have their own "parent" account on gradespeed and they check their own grades. When you give them responsiblity a little at a time then when they are no longer living under your roof they are ready for it.
S.

It's a real balancing act with teens and I can see you understand that. I have six boys, ages 27 to 14, with two still at home (16 and 14).

My three oldest boys all graduated from a private religious school so I know exactly what you mean about some parents being too strict. I was stricter back then but they found a way to get around my restrictions. Kids do. They didn't get into anything immoral or dangerous, thank God, but they did test a few boundaries.

When my youngest was 12 he wanted an email account so we did that together and I knew his password. I wouldn't allow Facebook or MySpace until he was 13. Around that time, his brother suggested I get onto Facebook too. He made my account for me.

I agree with other mothers that you should get a Facebook account and become "friends" with all of your sons. It not only helps you keep tabs on them, it's also a good way to communicate when life gets busy. Often I'm downstairs and my 16-year old is upstairs. If I see too much Facebook activity from him I send a little message about his homework, or we have a short chat.

I'm sure you know that one of the secrets of raising teenage boys is to keep it light. (I'm sure that applies to girls, too, but I don't have any.) Don't lecture, don't come down as the authoritarian adult. Be their mom and their friend, sometimes more one than the other.

And enjoy your Facebook experience!

I dont have teenage kids but I would like to share my story from the other side. When I was a teenager my mom thought like you that I was a "good kid" I never got into trouble not in school, not at home, no where. She trusted me completely and I knew that. When I was about 16 I took advantage of that trust cause I knew she thought I was a good kid. When I said I was doing one thing I was really doing something else. I was a horrible teenager (drinking, smoking pot, sex) but she never knew simply cause I was sneaky and never got caught. She now knows and I know not to ever trust my kids. Yes your child may actually be a good kid but in this day and age those are hard to come by. I would join facebook and add him in and if he doesnt want to add you then he must have something to hide.

I would recommend you join Facebook and add your son as a friend. You don't have to be intrusive (because he has to accept your request), but it gives you open access to his page. Any comments, pictures, etc. are right there for you to see. I don't think this approach is too controlling because it still allows him privacy to some degree. I do not recommend you allow him absolute secrecy about what is on there, however. I think you'd be surprised what people feel comfortable posting online when they are just speaking to "friends".

I agree with a lot of the responses. If I were you, I would be on FB and require that your kids be your friends also. If they have a problem with that, you need to dive deeper. Kids definitely need privacy and a journal is a great way to do that. I agree parents shouldn't read their kids journals. Anything online is NOT PRIVATE! Which means, you should have access to all of that: pass words and all. I like the deal where you promise never to access it with out them with you. If you are friends with them, then you will see any thing that would cause danger. Really, companies can search people's FB pages to see if they are the kind of person they want to avoid representing their company. Should a parent not exercise the same rights? Remember, you are there to protect them.

Sometimes the best offense is a good defense. You having his passwords, and him knowing that you can get on at any time and totally bust him may keep him from doing what you don't want him to do anyway. At the least, you can get on f/b yourself and become one of his "friends" and then you can see what goes on publicly. Of course, he has the option of doing private messages, but if you can get on his acct at will, that may limit that. He can still delete messages right after reading them, so that's not perfect, but it might help.

I'm on f/b, and although my friends and I are all generally of the ultra-conservative, Christian persuasion, there is a lot of garbage that comes across my screen. There are some advertisements and applications that are nearly pornographic, with women in itsy-bitsy teency-weency bikinis, or other provocative attire or poses. That's without my seeking it out -- teenage boys can find even more by looking for it, on or off f/b. If you want to protect your son from that filth, he shouldn't be on f/b anyway, and you should also get an internet filter, so that it doesn't accidentally come through. If you don't mind if he's got the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition or calendar, or a Playboy tucked under his mattress, then you won't mind him seeing the same stuff on the computer.

If he were on the phone, would you think it totally awful to overhear his conversation while you were making supper? I think it's about the same thing.

Of course, you can always suspend all f/b and other computer privileges if he's caught abusing them. :-)

Trust is not something to be just automatically given -- it should be earned. That's why it's called "trustWORTHy". If you think your son is *worthy* to be trusted, you can give him more leeway -- he does, after all, have to grow up sometimes. I worry that some parents end up stunting their kids' growth by being overbearing -- all of a sudden the kid turns 18 and has no clue about life, because he's not been given gradually increasing freedom and responsibility -- and then he "jumps ship" and totally screws up his 20s because of his cluelessness, and his "I'm gonna live just like I wanna live, because mom & dad were so horrible" attitude.

So, how trustworthy is your son? The more trust he earns, the more trust you can display and the less intrusive you need to be. You have to find the proper balance between protecting your children, which is what God has called you to do, and not stunting them. If you think you've properly "inoculated" him against worldly garbage, and inculcated good morals and principles into his life, you can give him more freedom. If you don't trust him to make the right choice, you need to protect him a bit more -- and train and teach him in the way of making proper choices -- until he does make the right choice. You don't have to be a "helicopter parent," hovering over him constantly so that he never trips or gets hurt, but you don't need to be so far removed from the situation that your son gets scarred for life because of wrong choices as a teenager.

It is wonderful that you feel that you can trust your children. I do think that you should have access - not that you are going to go looking - you should explian to them that as long as they behaving and doing well in school and you have reason to trust them you won't, but if anything should happen that causes you concern about their wellbeing or the wellbeing of others you won't hesitate to check up. It may not be what they are putting on the internet that should concern you it may be what other children are putting up. Instead of demanding the password talk to your children and explain that you love them and ask if they will volunteer their password information and trust you to only look if you have a reason to be concerned. If they refuse to give it - then I might be concerned.

Hi V.!

I think you are right in saying that it is an invasion of their privacy since you have no reason to believe they are doing anything wrong. One thing you could do is create your on FB (Facebook) account and add them as friends. I have my own FB account and my parents at 62 and 65 have their own accounts, FB is not just for teenagers! Being their friend on FB allows you to see what is being said on their wall between them and their friends and also just between the friends, so it would let you get to know their friends a little better too! But you don't see everything, they can still send messages and do chats which still gives them a sense of privacy. If you feel like you are joining FB to spy make up some story about how a couple of the people you work with are on FB and say to join. I think once you are in the FB network you will find that you like it and are reconnecting with alot of your friends from the past! Everyone can benefit!

Hope this helps!

A.
Helping Moms Work from Home
www.SecureFutureFromHome.com

One thing I have learned with having 3 teen agers ( I have 3 boys as well and a daughter)...NEVER SAY NEVER!!!!!!! Yes...he may be a very trustworthy kid...but things can change and peer pressure can take hold, especially at this age. It is called being a good mom to monitor him...it is called being caring and cautious. I have passwords for facebook and e-mail. This world wants our kids...wants to chew them up and spit them out. I know this from experience and NONE of our children are an exception to that. Don't be fooled mom and please don't be in denial about what's out there and what our kids are exposed to. The very best kid can get caught up with the wrong influnences very easy...stay alert and aware...that's being a good mom:)

V., The other posts seem quite good at suggesting some things, if I may I would like to bring about another point as I have an adult child who will be 21 in a few months and a soon to be 7 yr old daughter. With that said, back when Myspace was popular I had to have one if he had one. Funny thing I learned along the way was that on Myspace, some kids did post to the board and the person also had to approve the messages before they appeared on the board... AND GUESS WHAT? More kids wrote private messages than actually posting to their board and guess what you can't see them unless you have the password. The kids aren't stupid. On facebook SAME THING! My son and I are quite close but it is also my job as his mom to guide and direct him. It isn't about privacy... I think today some parents are so busy and then when something happens if it does, they are in total shock... why? The child acts one way with you and then a totally different way with the parents....I am not criticizing in anyway, just trying to show another perspective... Kids will be kids, but they are still kids until they are 18. I have a philosophy that if a child is under the age of 18 then I am legally totally responsible for this person no matter what.. then I best know what is going on to the best of my ability.

As always do what is best for you and your family.

I don't have teenagers, but my parents were like yours and I never gave them reason to be that strict either. I always swore I would be different. Now that I am a mom I can really see how important it is to monitor kids, but I don't think I will be as strict as my parents were unless my kids give me a reason to be. My parents seemed to approach it not so much as concern for my well-being in a time where predators abound, but more of a "it's my right to know every little thing you think, say and do, and judge you for it". That is what I don't want to do. I was always on the defensive with them, and I really had no reason to be.

I am pretty sure when my kids are older, I will monitor them on the computer, and not let them have computers in their rooms. Even though I didn't do anything bad, I can see how easily I might have if I had internet access like kids do now. Boys are not so worrisome to me, if I had a daughter I would be a wreck. I didn't have much self-esteem and I can see how someone could prey on that. But I think trusting your kids helps with the self-esteem issues.

What I would do for a teenage boy is ask to do random spot checks, with him present. Then you don't need his password. Just occasionally ask him to log in and let you see what is going on. Don't pore over every word in his email and don't give him a hard time for what his friends are doing or saying. I always felt like I had to cover up my friends' actions even more than my own, because my parents would have not let me hang out with some of them if they knew all their secrets, even though I made sure not to have anything to do with those situations that my parents would have objected to.

You can be his "friend" on FB but then you run the risk of him censoring himself and his friends if he knows you are getting all the same updates he is. He can delete individual posts as they come in and you wouldn't see them unless you were on there 24/7.

Lastly, I would try to make sure he understands how important it is to his future that he be careful of what he displays on the internet. Kids have no idea how terrible the consequenses can be for things like "sexting" and how what you post can come back to haunt you for years to come. Worrying about that kind of thing ruining my kids' lives would make me get at least a little protective.

why don't you join also and then you can read most of what he is saying and doing on facebook.

My son is a good child, never been in trouble and get straight A's. We do have all the passwords to my sons myspace, facebook and email accounts. We believe as parents we have the right to check on what our children are doing in our household. We set this rule up when he opened these accounts. We sat down with him and explained why we as parents have the responsiblity to help him make good choices. So far I have only checked his site a couple of times and never found anything on his sites but can't say as much for some of his friends. So to answer the questions: its not controlling it being a parent

I have 5 children...my oldest has a facebook page. I helped her set it up and the rule was that I had to have her password. She had no problem with that. The thing is...I have only went on once and that was because she asked me about someone that invited her to be a friend. The fact that she knows that I have the password is enough. I am not the kind of parent that reads their diary or snoops around. We have a very open relationship and we talk about everything. That being said...I would rather be safe than sorry. If I start seeing a change in her you better believe that I would go on her facebook page to see if I could figure out what was going on. As a parent I am responsible for them until they are 18 and I take that job very seriously.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your boys- very open & honest. My opinion is that is doesn't hurt to be one of his "friends" on FB just to see what's going on, not only with them but also with their friends. To me, it doesn't sound like you need their passwords & I think they may remain open to you knowing that you have that trust in them when they know their friends' parents don't. Many blessings =)

I know my childrens passwords but choose not to use them unless they give me reason to believe I need to. Periodically I am over their shoulder looking at there "myspace" just to make sure that there arent any issues. It is a trust issue. I believe in my heart that my daughter that is 14 knows right from wrong and knows what I expect. I believe that I have done a good job up untill this point and she knows what I expect. Still things can change at any time because teenagers are so unpredictable. If she is acting all depressed and her "myspace" account might have a clue to what is going on then Im going to use it. She never gives me reason to use it. They even know there cell phones are open to the "public" also. I dont take them and read their messages like some parents do because they are so honest with me anyway. I guess it boils down to a personal decision that you have to take a look at. If he is generally a good kid without troubles at school or home then I would tell him you want the password but you will not use it without telling him. Tell him he can be present when and if you choose to use it. It is all piece of mind for parents.

My son is 15, he has both facebook and myspace pages. I do have a facebook page, we are friends, so I look at his page but not anymore than I look at anyone elses page. I do think it is a trust issue as well. You know your child and as long as you remember that he/she can make bad choices from time to time. My son had a girlfriend. When they broke up I saw on his page that he wrote that he hated her. We talked about this and he ended up going back and changing it to state that he hated the way she treated him. My cousins daughter who is 16 had a page, myspace I think, she ended up getting rid of it after a couple weeks because in her words "To much drama and I have a lot of college credit classes to deal with all this drama" Smart girl. Talk to your kids about this, if you asked for the passwords to check would they fight you on it or would they give it to you. It has been my experience if they have nothing to hide they are willing to hand it over easily. If they have something to hide then they will fight over giving the info.

Hi V. - kudos to you for having such a wonderful, open, respectful and honest relationship with your children. And kudos to Lynda T. for her response - I was going to respond in almost the exact same manner. I had a great relationship with my parents and always felt as though I could talk to them about anything. I think that some of the suggestions regarding asking your son about being a friend on FB are great - particularly the ones that suggest that if you are going to access his page, that you only do it with him and that you discuss that this would be something that you would want to do. Keep your lines of communication open and respectful just as you have been doing. I remember my mom saying to all of us when we were older that sometimes she wished that we hadn't felt so comfortable confiding everything (she was kidding!)! You know your children. Do what feels right to you and just keep reminding them of the dangers and pitfalls of inappropriate content. Good luck!! What a breath of fresh air your post was!!!

Are you on facebook? Are you friends with him on facebook? If so, you can see everything he is doing as it's all public information. My kids both have facebook and I can see everything they do because we are friends. I don't "monitor" them but they know that whatever they do I can see it so it keeps them honest. The only "private" way to do anything is to send something via the "inbox".

I agree with Sharon D that you have to have open communication and let them learn responsibility and freedom little by little, not some huge change the day they move to college. The people in my high school that overprotective/controlling parents are the ones who went crazy when they got away from their parents.

Join Facebook and get notified when they post pictures or when someone labels/tags them in a picture.

Regardless of anyone elses opinion you are the parent and ultimately responsible for your child. You have to go with your gut and do what you think is best for your kids.

These days I feel that parents SHOULD know all about their children's friends and activities. No matter how good our kids are, they can be enticed into things we parents just never imagine. I would not say a lot about what I learned on Facebook, as long as all was just innocent chatter, but some things WOULD make me speak up!

V., great thoughts from you and I feel for you. Growing up my mother trusted me and talked to me about everything...even now we discuss her sex life! I try to do the same with my own children and my 13 yr old daughter just opened a facebook account so she can play farmtown with my aunts, mom and myself. Now, I do insist that she have me as a friend, that is only as a safety measure so that I can see who she has been talking to on her facebook and the list of friends that she keeps. I did not insist on having her account info although she did give it so I could help her farm during the day whiles she's in school. I have not looked at her messages. Yes, teens need a small amount of privacy but again, for safety sake you need to know who he's talking to. I once found her myspace page after not allowing her to have one and made her erase it...while trying to do so I asked her who Tom was, one of the friends, and she said my friend from back home, Thomas....no it wasn't. It was the administrator of the site, a positive clue to me that she was open to accepting any and all friendships. Now she questions me when others request her on facebook and i can tell her who they are. Otherwise she ignores them. It can be a great help. As long as you are talking to your children and know who they are communicating with I see no real reason to have all their info. I hope this helps some and have to also mention, my daughter left her email open on dad's laptop and he read a message from a friend in WA, very foul language and discussed it with her. Sometimes it's nice to know what's going on.....best of luck and don't forget to praise them for the good stuff!!!

Ask each of your boys (separately so that the others don't see/hear you) if they'd have a problem with you joining Facebook and if they'd be willing to be your 'friend' on there. If they agree, I'd go ahead and do it, but if they say they'd not want you to be their 'friend' on there, ask them why not. If it's a simple, "I don't want my friends to see my MOM on my Facebook", then they're probably not doing anything too weird on there. If you can sense a real hesitation about letting you be their friend, however, you may NEED to monitor what they're doing a little better.

If you're not familiar with Facebook, just ask them (separately, again) to show you what kind of 'stuff' they do on there (their photos, posts, comments, 'wall', inbox [sent and received], etc).

I love Facebook, myself. Our almost 24-yr old son won't be our friend on there, but he's an adult. It's a great networking tool. I have to have my 'daily dose' (usually more than one) of email, Mamasource, and Facebook! LOL

Set up your own page so you can see who his friends are. If their is some one you don't know then get his password. I'm like you I don't think we need to know everything our kids do we would go nuts LOL!

You can allow you son to join FB and make sure his security settings are in place to protect personal information. You should join FB yourself and add him as a friend. This allows you to access his profile page & any conversations being posted between himself and his friends... I'm a mother of 3 little ones. 8,6 & 3. I myself use FB and find it a great way to keep in touch with friends & family. Good Luck!

Deb

Just have him sign you up as a friend so you can at least view his page. I personally do not like facebook and I have an account. It seems like it would be a good place to get in trouble and not because you are a bad kid but because I am sure there are alot of bad people using it. It is also very anti-social all of these people wanted to be my friend that more then likely wouldn't even pick up a phone to call me. Someone told me it is addicting but I find it socially ridiculous.

HI V.,

My children are 14 and 11. The 14-yr-old has a facebook account and another networking website account. I agree with you that children, young adults, deserve respect and privacy. If we raise our children to respect themselves and others, this should not be a problem. I periodically ask my son to show me his facebook page. He doesn't have a chance to remove anything he doesn't want me to see and we can talk about anything I find objectionable. We have never had a problem. If your children have never done anything that makes you question their behavior, they deserve some privacy. I knock before entering my children's rooms and I expect them to knock before entering mine. Children learn by example. This is a great opportunity to discuss what is appropriate and what is not, not just for your family, but because there can be serious legal consequences. I have found that because I respect my children's right to privacy, both of them are very open with me and we talk about a wide variety of topics. Trust is an important part of growing up. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your children. Don't let other people's concerns about their children cloud your view of your own. Have a great day! L.

My advice would be not to get his password from him. If he has given you no reason to question him, I would not start it now. Teenagers especially need some privacy as you mentioned. What you could do is open your own facebook account and insist that you be one of his friends. That way, you can see his wall, etc. You wouldn't be able to read his private messages, but you could see photos and stuff.

You've already received A LOT of responses on this, but here's my two cents. Keep the family computer in a main room, so that it's not completely "private". Kids are less likely to be doing/viewing inappropriate things if there's a possibility of people looking over their shoulder. Also, get your own facebook account and become your son's friend. You can view his page, pictures he's posted, and comments he's made and/or received. I personally think it's a lot of fun, and as long as you have faith that your child can be responsible and has been educated on web etiquette you should be fine! =)

I'm with you on the issue. As long as your children realize that they can come across someone with bad attentions also on facebook, & know the hazards, you are right. Just my thoughts, I'm a 62 yr.old grand mother, my oldest grand daughter is on facebook, my son knows her password, but does not go in, except for one time, that someone left a not too clean video. She brought it to my sons attention & it was dealt with.

If you have no reason to be concerned, then don't be. Just befriend them on facebook yourself; if you don't have an account, get one. You will see a lot of what goes on just by being their "friend", unless they were to dump you as a "friend" - then you might have reason to be concerned!

In my experience, if people give me advice that isn't useful to me, I nod politely and forget about it.

I know my children are still in elementary and I don't have experience with teenagers except what I went through. I believe this is between you and your child. If you believe that he is mature and trustworthy enough to do properly monitor his own behavior then why not trust him. I do believe you should get a facebook page also and monitor him that way (which is pretty much the same way anybody else on the internet would watch your son. But unless he gives you a reason to get more controlling I don't see why you should be. If he's worked hard and done all the right things to earn you trust that show him that you trust him.

YES, YES, YES... if there is one place to let your guard down and not know EVERYTHING that is going on, the internet is NOT that place.

You monitor your child, not to invade their privacy but to protect them. Sometimes you are protecting them from themselves, but most of the time, you are protecting them from others.

My at home kids are 17, 14 and 13. I have all their passwords - Facebook, email, etc. They are not allowed on the computer if my husband or I are not at home. Every computer has a password to login and the kids do not know the password. My kids are only allowed to have friends on Facebook that they know in person. They also are not allowed to have any friends under the age of 13 (which means they lied about their age to set up their Facebook account). Their accounts are set to private so that only their friends can see the content of their pages.

In the beginning, and sometimes when I feel something not quite right is going on, I monitored their sites daily. Now I just periodically look to see who they are talking to and what they are saying - and Yes, I do read their private messages. I am their mother, I am responsible for their well being.

Also, I have my own Facebook page and I am friends with a lot of their friends. This helps me to monitor what is going on also. In a few instances, I have told the kids they can't have so-and-so as a friend on Facebook because I didn't like the content I was seeing from that person.

My kids go to public school, they are pretty much allowed to do what they want as long as I know where they are, who they are with and when they will be home. They've earned this trust over the years. I think the computer is where we have the strictest rules in our household.

when it comes to facebook and myspace or other sites even if you have their passwords they still can look at objectional material or they can chat with someone and you wont know they are doing it because there is no way to see what they did on these sites. you can warn your kids all they want and it still may not matter as I went through this with my 16 year old and even though he is monitored he still continues to sneak stuff by us.Is it being intrusive and controlling? yeah it is to a point but just telling most kids at that age and even seeing consequences with others may not stop them. teenagers need a lot of guidance and even though you try to guide them in the right direction they still get curious about things and trust me they will talk about things with others. If a child can hide it from a parent(s) they will and if they dont do it at home they can do it a friends house where maybe the others parents may not monitor their children online. I have had this happen more than once with my son and boys seem to be the worse at this age for these types of things although girls can be as bad.I think what you might want to do is sit down and talk to your sons and what not and having their passwords might help to some degree but again they can hide things from you on there if they want to and you wouldn't know the difference because again there is NO way to monitor what was said on chat or on facebook messenger because it leaves no archives otr traces unless you install software to monitor these type of things or have whats called a keystroke logger which logs everything that is typed with your keyboard.Facebook and places like that doesnt seem to monitor objectionable content much myspace is the worse because a child can access adult pages with no problem. just talk to your sons and explain to them how you feel about things and do what you think is best for your child if you have to be intrusive,nosy,etc then do so and if you see one of your rules being broken then make sure they have consequences but again that may not do much as they can find ways around it so I guess do what you think is best and go from there, if you need more info about anything you can send me a message if you like as I know what can happen with these sites.