Family Ignores My Child

to give more details, my daughter is eight and I give my niece lots of attention since I love children.

My sister was the first in our family to get married and have kids. Her two kids were in my wedding and in our brother's wedding. It wasn't long before my brother and I both had our first child. My sister and her husband both complained (years later) that my brother and I and our spouses stopped paying attention to my sister and her family and made everything about us.

It's not that we stopped paying attention to her and her family, exactly. It's that our attention shifted. Wow! We had no idea how much work it was to have kids!

Are you sure it isn't that she doesn't pay any attention to your daughter but that she is very busy and doesn't have the luxury of giving your daughter as much attention as she used to?

If you are really concerned about this, why not plan an outing for the 4 of you. It will give you a chance to do something fun without any other family around. Maybe you could even make an effort to pay special attention to your niece so that you can see your sister and your daughter interact. You might be surprised!

Also, quick question - How much attention to you give your niece? As much as your sisters gave your daughter?

Well I think that it is pretty normal to focus on your own children as a parent. Frankly, I am responsible for the behavior and the upbringing of MY children.. not anyone else's.

That being said, if she is being rude to your daughter, you might pull her aside privately and let her know that your daughter's feelings are hurt. Your sister may not even be aware of her behavior here...

Your daughter isn't the most important child in your sister's life. Sorry but that's just how it goes. It would be strange is your sister didn't focus her attention on her own child. 3 yr olds can be emotionally draining. Cut your sister some slack. As far as depending on her to babysit when you are out of town I'd say you have nothing to worry about. As long as she's taking care of your daughter and meeting her needs everything will be fine. Your daughter will play with her cousin and she'll learn that the world doesn't revolve around her.

So talk to her about it.
Though honestly of COURSE your sister's focus is on her child, as it should be.
If you feel your sister isn't providing adequate child care then find someone else. Sometimes depending too much on family members for help puts a strain on relationships, and builds resentment. Maybe it's not worth it anymore.

My first daughter was the first grandchild on both sides of the family--she often had a harder time understanding when she has to share grandparent or aunt/uncle attention with her younger sister than she did with sharing my attention at home ( I run a daycare in my home so she is used to sharing my attention I think). She is also high maintenance in general--I've had to pull her aside even at age 4 and tell her she was being too demanding of grandma's or an aunt's attention. I suspect when my first nephew is finally home from the NICU and can come to family gatherings that she will have a hard time sharing her beloved aunt's attention. If you look objectively at your daughter's behavior--is she demanding excessive amounts of attentions, is she in her aunt's face constantly and "competing" for her attention?

Are you able to step back from your own emotions and be more objective and realistic about this? You put your own child first; why shouldn't your sister put her child first?

Is your child older than her cousin? That matters, I think. If your child is older, even by a few years, your sister knows that the older child is probably better able to amuse herself at least for a while, and your daughter needs to learn that younger kids do get more attention because they need more attention; they are not as capable of occupying themselves and are likelier to get into things. There's nothing unkind about an adult focusing more on a younger child when two kids are together; it's just realistic.

And when your child was three, didn't you focus on her? Why would you expect your sister to be different? It's normal. As for her giving your child "simple answers" to questions -- Again, can you be objective and not emotional and ask yourself if possibly your daughter is asking things over and over, or otherwise rather demanding that aunt pay attention to her? That could be part of the reason for those shorter answers you don't like; your child may be trying too hard to get aunt's attention away from cousin.

Would all this matter as much to you if your sister wasn't also your babysitter? Your daughter will be fine with her and will learn to take aunt and cousin as a package deal -- which they are, and always will be. I think your expectations for your sister are off base. If she was all about your child when sister didn't have a child yet, I can see why you feel the loss of that closeness between your sister and your child, but it's perfectly normal. And it is not some intentional slight of your child by your sister -- you seem to think that your sister is out to hurt your child on purpose. No, she's giving her attention more to her own child, who is at a stage where the child needs a lot of watching.

If your daughter and her cousin are about the same age, that's tougher, because at three your daughter would not really understand the idea of parents giving their own kid priority when she's in the room. But she is old enough to know what "sharing" means and that includes sharing people and their time. This is a lesson for her.

Her focus is just not capable of expanding to your daughter right now.
We all have different capacities for interaction and hers may just be filled right now.

Try to focus on how great it is to have family around. I never had that blessing. When I hear families complain about this or that tiny thing, I think..get over it. Learn to appreciate them! You are better off with a sis for a babysitter, even if she isn't as involved as you would like. Keep investing in her life. She could be more available when her child is older.

is there an issue or could it just be that now that auntie is a mom, she can barely focus on your daughter? I know thats how it is with me and my sisters. i'd love to bond more with my nieces and nephews, but with my own kids to tend to I find it near impossible. Perhaps there is no "issue", just a busy mom now who can't be the auntie she used to be.

Has anyone else in the family noticed this? I would take note of specific incidents and definitely sit her down and discuss it. Or, you can keep your distance until she notices something is wrong, and let her know why!!

Yeah... no. You're used to your only daughter being the only child in the entire family and being the only one getting attention. Now the attention is being shared. Are you absolutely certain that you're not behaving a little bit put out that your daughter isn't the center of the universe any longer? Are you certain that when your daughter goes to her Auntie that you're not encouraging your daughter to force the issue?

I would think that the issue here isn't your daughter, but you and whatever is going on between you and your sister. I have a feeling that things weren't so rosy and peachy before your sister's baby was born and I have another feeling that you and your sister have had a falling out of some sort and there's some serious backstory missing where you don't come off looking so innocent and wide eyed with "What's going on and how could she do this to us? To my baby?"

It sounds as if you're not trying at all to view this situation from your sister's point of view. You're not appreciating her. And she's trying to get your attention and make her own point, and the only way apparently is to (sadly enough) distance herself from your daughter. If you want it to stop then you need to talk to your sister and make amends.

You should let your sister know that your dd feels like she's left out. I'm sure she's so wrapped up in her own kid that she doesn't notice.

Family ignores your daughter or is just your sister who ignores your daughter? Give it time. I have a son, but still doted on my nieces.

i think the advice you have been given is prob the best wanted to toss this out if it applied.

I don't know how old your dd is but if she is a preteen could she have confided something unpleasant to your sis? and sis isnt' handling it well. Or could sis be mad at you for something and is treating you and your dd in a poor manner?
I might be way off base cant tell from the info you've given. but just another thing to think about as you consider the situation and try to come to action on it.

I'd call her on her rude behavior. That is 100% unacceptable to me. You either treat my child with dignity and respect, or you don't see ANY of us until you can pull your head out of your fifth point of contact.

Children are especially sensitive to the way adults treat them. They are little people, not aliens. They have feeling too, and deserve to be treated like the little people they are.

How would your sister like it if you treated HER child like she treats yours?

Have you considered that perhaps your sister no longer appreciates the fact that you depend on her for childcare? 5 years' age difference is a significant one. 3 year olds and 8 year olds don't have the same capabilities and needs, and it might be frustrating to deal with constantly childproofing an 8 year old's activities down to a 3 year old's level.

Perhaps it's time to look for another person for childcare.