Family Pet Is Dying. How Much Emotion Do I Show?

My daughter saw me cry for days after having a cat I had raised on a bottle euthanized at 16 years old. She loved that cat too, and her seeing me cry let her know that it was okay to feel sad, and it was okay to express that sadness.

As much as you need. I would try not to cry constantly in front of them, but I think that acknowledging that you are sad, that it's OK to cry, that adults cry sometimes, too, is healthy. It IS a sad thing! It helps them with their own grief.

When our cat died, we all cried (DH and my tough guy SS, too). DD didn't understand but we told her that we were sad because we loved the cat a lot and he was very sick and died. She gave us all hugs. Sometimes kids can be very healing.

I would have a family meeting and say that he's very sick and is going to pass away. I would let them say their good byes. My SS let the cat sleep with him in his final days, even though the medications had given the cat some terrible odors. Let them be a part of the burial if they want, too. Say a few words. Plant a flower. Don't lie to them or they will feel betrayed later. Loving someone or something sometimes means letting go. Sometimes I think the number of tears is proportional to the amount of love you gave and received over the years.

Hang in there. I'm sorry you will soon have to say goodbye to a good friend.

I'm so sorry :(

I think it's good to show children that it's okay to grieve. I'd save the rib-racking sobs for when you can shut yourself in your room and bawl into a pillow and cry uncontrollably, because hey, you have to grieve too. Totally normal. But it's completely healthy to let your kids know that it's okay to be sad!

Oh, I am so sorry that you are going through this with your fur baby. I just had to say goodbye to my best boy Oliver, a Keeshond mix that I adopted from animal control 16+ years ago. I have only been married 8 years, and we have a 7 year old daughter. Over the last year and half to two years, he had some issues and coupled with his doggy Alzheimer's he was requiring almost constant care, I was even able to take him to work with me every day. I took him to the vet for an "evaluation" and had to have him put to sleep on June 1, the saddest day of my life. I held his beautiful face in my hands right to the end. The day before, we took him out for his favorite activity.. a family day together at dog beach and long car ride. I find myself still crying about him.....several times a week, sometimes out of the clear blue. I spent almost the whole day at the dog beach hiding under my hat and umbrella crying! My daughter has been very comforting to me. Just before that happened, my daughter saw the most beautiful journal with a jeweled clasp that she just had to have, since she rarely asks for things I bought it for her. The only think that she has written in it so far, is a poem about our dog with hand drawn picture.
" He was nice
He was furry
He was there
He was mine
He was smiling
He was Oliver"
My boy had a funny habit of backing up to small bushes when he had to do #2' squatting and dropping the bomb inside. We brought him home from the vet, buried him in our side yard and planted his favorite plant as a memorial. Smetimes I go out there to "visit" him, sometimes I just start crying in my car for what seems like no reason to anyone else...except that for me it's usually when I am recognizing that hole in my day where he used to be...like having to lift him in and out of the car to go to and from work, or running errands on the way home from work which I couldn't do when I had him with me etc.. The other day as we were leaving the house, my daughter took off around the side of the house. When she came back, she said that she just needed to go visit Oliver. She climbed into the car and said " you know what mom? You know what would make him happy? To see us happy, not sad...he will always be with us mom". I am sorry that you are going though this now, in really feel your pain! I think that it's ok to cry in front of your kids. When I picked my daughter up from school that day and she asked what his status was and I had to tell her in the car as we drove away from school, she started screaming and crying "nooooo nooooo, no, no. Why why why did he have to die?" she really really screamed and cried for awhile. We had talked to her previously and asked her if she would want to go to the vet with us, she said no, so she wasn't with us, and for the first time since we've been married my husband went with me to the vet. I strongly recommend that if you can't have a vet come to your house, please take someone with you to the vet. Overall, my daughter seems to be doing better than me with this....she often expresses sadness and says that she misses him, but then she bounces right back, so I think that it would be ok for you to be sad and cry in front of your children. Have you explained to them that this was your baby before you were married and had a baby? My daughter had heard the story many times how @36+ & being single I didn't think that I would ever be married and have a baby...so for years he WAS my baby, and then it was his happiest days when I got married and then had a baby girl for him. Good luck with your baby's test results, I hope that it's just something some meds will take care of and he will be fine for now, if not....***hugs** and know that you are it alone!

There's nothing wrong with showing emotions other than happiness in front of our children. It's important that they see us experiencing sadness and anger and upset and then handling it so that they can learn skills for dealing with those emotions as well. Our children shouldn't be shielded from our emotions. If your Lab's health is making you sad and you feel like crying then it's all right for them to see you cry. There's nothing wrong with being sad. There's nothing wrong with what people tend to think of as "negative" emotions and there's nothing wrong with being sad or angry or upset and expressing and going through those emotions... it's how we handle those emotions and what we do with them that matters and not harming others in the process. And it's not harmful for children to see you cry. It helps them become empathetic.

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You grieve how you need to grieve. If your kids see that, that's fine. Just let them know that you are super sad, but will be fine in a few days.

My only suggestion is to make sure that you still get up and go through a semi-normal day. Take a shower, get dressed, eat something. The first few days will be the most difficult, but the more you go through your routine the more easily adjusted the kids will be.

Hugs.
M.

Let yourself grieve and let them see you cry. They need to see that it is OK for them to be sad.
Losing a pet is sometimes the first death that children experience. Pets are part of the family, they are worth the tears.
If hubby is gone and you think you can't keep it together at the vet's office hire a babysitter. But let the kids know that you are taking Russell in and he won't be coming back. Let the babysitter engage your kids for a while after you get home.
My neighbor had to put down her cat, 21 years old. She was a mess, at the time my daughter was the babysitter and kept the kids occupied so mom could just grieve for a bit.
Good luck with your decision. This is very hard.

From someone who's had dogs all her life and has lost two already, I think you should show your kids you're grieving and it will be more then just one day. It will take months really...Don't underestimate what a big part of your family he was. I think you should show your kids that you're sad and going throug this to help them get through it and provide healthy example of dealing with loss.

It's fine for children to see us cry mama. When my Aunt was dying and then did die I was a MESS. Lots of crying and sobbing. My younger one, 5, was really touched to see me such a mess and was able to comfort me the best he knew how. My husband was there comforting as well, so it was good for my boys to see that as well.
It's okay to let your kids see you cry. To talk about Russell and how much he has meant to you and how you are sad that he is going to die. Your kids may have questions and that's great. I am sorry that you are losing a pet.
L.

That's not superficial, that's actually quite deep. I've read that the short life span of a pet was part of God's plan to teach us how to grieve. Losing a beloved pet is very difficult, and allows us to experieance loss and know that we will get past it and be happy again. This is supposed to be His way of preparing us for the loss of a loved one. Follow your instincts on this. You know what this dog meant to you and you also know how to be strong for the kids. Find your balance.

you be surprise how much ur human babies will try to comfort you more than being traumatized. go ahead and cry.

How much do you show?......Exactly the amount that you are feeling. And explain to them why. They will want to hug and comfort you and thanks ok too. Talk to them like a close friend about all the memories you have with "Russell" and why you are upset with the loss of him.
Also, talk to them NOW about that he is getting old and your not sure how much longer he will be with you. That you are checking with the vet to see what they can do, but dogs just don't live as long as people and he is very old..........
And you're right -it is the perfect way for children to learn about death and grieving in a healthy way.

I would NOT curb my feelings!!! This dog has been like a child to you - he is a part of your family...grieve just like you would the loss of a human...

it's OKAY for your kids to see you sad....they need to know that it's OKAY to release your fears, emotions, etc. in tears!! and NO! It's not corny OR heartless to have kids deal with death....they need to learn it somehow....

i'm ssssssoooo sorry for your loss!!

I would not hold anything back... having your family see the grief when a family member passes (yes - most families consider their pets a family member) is important and solidifies the level of importance a pet is. If you hold back your grief, your kids may feel that the dog wasn't special or is disposable and can easily be replaced.

I don't have a lot of input but just wanted to say how very sorry to hear about your beloved pet... We had to put my dog down when my son was 1 and it was one of the saddest days of my life.. Thankfully, my son was only 1 at the time, so he didn't understand what so ever.. My heart goes out to you.. I had my dog for almost 14 years and he truly was my first baby. I was absolutely devastated!!!! So I feel your pain :0(
Sending hugs your way~

You won't scare your kids by showing emotion (unless it starts to inhibit your ability to function, but that isn't the way it appears). Sob away. Like you said, this is a healthy life lesson to learn.

It would be different if you were sobbing because your boyfriend left you and were asking for their emotional support - that would be a big "no-no" cry in my book. But this - this is real life and I don't think you need to hide it. Cry away, and encourage them to share how they fell too.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. Best wishes.

So sorry that you are having to go through this. I know how truly hard it is.

We lost our 18 year old cat, 17 year old dog and 16 year old dog all within the same year. Needless to say it was a tough year.

My daughter saw me cry. However, she did NOT go with me to have the pets put down. When I had the cat put down...kind of the same situation, he had been with me since he was a kitten and had been there for all of the big events in my life so it was EXTREMELY emotional for me. I made sure that I had enough time between taking him in the to vet to have him put down and picking up my daughter that I was able to get the gut wrenching sobs out of my system. I think that that would have scared her more than anything.

I did the same with both of my dogs. She was able to say her good-byes to both of the dogs but the sobs were already dealt with before I picked her up.

You need to see if a friend or family member can watch the kids for you on the day that your beloved pet has to be put down. Give yourself some time before picking them back up.

Crying in front of our children is good. They need to know that it is okay to show emotion. However uncontrollable sobbing, while cleansing, is scary to children and you need to be able to show them some support also during their grieving which you cannot do during this phase.

Once you get the sobs out, and don't hold them back when it is time, it will be much easier.

WHy hide your feelings? Your kids really don't need to be shielded. It is the reality. It might help them see that it is ok to grieve. Because, well, it is okay to grieve.

So sorry about your pup. We had a bad scare with our German Shepherd a year ago and we were ALL crying for days. She recovered, so we are happy, but one day we will go through it all again. She won't live forever. It is part of the cycle of life. And yes, dogs do go to heaven. :)

First, I am so sorry you're having to go through this. Losing a pet and seeing them suffer is terribly hard. I have to have faith that when we "talk" to our pets, they understand. Tell him how much you love him!

I think you are exactly right about letting your children learn about death. I think it is also perfectly healthy to let them see you cry, be upset, etc.... It is NORMAL! You loved this dog! They will get upset too, but you can all grieve together which is cathartic. It is not corny or heartless at all. You will be teaching your children how to grieve, that it is OK to grieve, and that you don't ever have to forget that pet/loved one.

My thoughts are with you! Give yourself a chance to cry by yourself too! Grief is not an off/on switch - you can't help but to feel sad or mad at any time. Let your emotions help you heal. Thinking of you!

It is hard to know that a family member's life is coming to an end. All you can do is make him comfortable and love him and let him know that you are alright with what is going on.

Crying is part of our emotional system and we all deal with a loss differently. Let your child see you cry and let them know why you are crying that puppy x is feeling very ill and he will be going to heaven soon. Something similar in comforting words. This will help them know that there are seasons in each person's life and that it is okay to move on to another one.

Just remember that there will always be a spot for your fur baby. I grieve for mine now and then and she has been gone for over six years. In fact I don't have a dog right now because I couldn't stand to be near one after she died and it is getting better now that I can pet and hug a dog. In the meantime my husband saved a kitten and she is living in our home. The vet saw us with the kitten and knew if it would eat it would have a safe and wonderful home (kitten showed up at work about 3 months after dog died).

If you really must have a good cry do so in the shower.

My best to you and you will all be in my thoughts.

The other S.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Really, it's okay to go ahead and cry - kids need to see that it's okay to be sad, it's okay to cry when you are really sad about something, and even grown-ups get sad enough to cry sometimes. I see no need to hide it from them, as long as it's not extreme (as in, wailing, screaming, or just laying in bed day after day). I also don't see where it is heartless nor corny for them to know that Russel died, and that is why he is not here anymore - there's no need to lie about it, telling them he went to live with another family or whatever. This is part of life and the sooner they learn how to cope with these situations, the better. There are some really great children's books out there about losing a pet, like "Dog Heaven" that you can read with them. And sometimes it helps to memorialize the pet in some way afterwards, whether it's making a scrap book with photos or planting a tree in the yard.

Twelve years is a long time....there is nothing wrong with showing your emotions to your children. Yes, it is your opportunity to have an initial lesson about life and death. So many children are never exposed to natural human events and emotions....to their detriment.....they do not know how to cope and react then when something happens. My mother taught me and I made sure to teach my six children about such things....what to say....how to show compassion.....because we care, and because we believe in treating others as we would like to be treated. Pets are our loyal friends, as you have indicated, so afford your youngsters the chance to mourn their friend.

J.,

I'm so sorry about your boy. I lost my first baby (Lacey and Boston Terrier) in November. I've never hid any of my emotion from my oldest who is three. Partly because I can't, and mostly because I don't want her to think that she should ever hide her emotions. Lacey was a part of our family, and now she is gone. That is a very sad thing to go through. The only thig I can recommend is to be careful with how you tell them. I told my daughter that Lacey's body was broken, and that she was going to be with God in heaven. Broke my heart two weeks later when she asked if she could go see God to see Lacey. Even just last week, she saw a dog that looked like her and she screamed in excitement "Lacey!!!!". It isn't easy.

I am still struggling today over my loss of her. When you lose your best friend, and someone who is with you all the time, its hard to figure out how to ease the pain. Lacey was with me when I was single and had no kids, so i know where you are coming from.

I feel your pain. ((HUGS)). :(

I'm so sorry. My daughters are 26, 24, 21, and 11. I never shielded them from reality or true emotion. I'm truly sorry you are going through this and it's like losing a child. It REALLY is. My cat is 16 and I dread the day. Be real. It's a learning thing too. How else will our children learn emotions like sympathy and empathy if they are not faced with other peoples pain?

First of all I am so sorry that you are about to lose a beloved family member. My advice about crying would be to show them exactly how much emotion that you want them to be able to show themselves. I don't know why, but I am not a crier, and in turn my daughter has learned to not cry, and there are times when I think she should be showing emotions and she seems so cold because she keeps it all in. I feel like if I had been able to show more emotion as she was growing up, she would in turn be able to feel comfortable showing them herself. So please mama, if you are a crier, let it out and let them see that it's OK to cry. I wish I could.

Go ahead and cry! I was in graduate school when my parents had to have our family bassette hound put down b/c of a tumor. I was in my office when my mother called me (sobbing) and I was so upset that I had to leave for the day- needless to say, I'm a crier too!

Don't sob in front of them b/c that will scare them, but crying is completely OK. Encourage them to talk about Russell, give them a framed picture to have of him or a little scrapbook of family pictures with the dog, etc. I would even do a little memorial service when your husband is home.

You will actually be surprised by your ability to temper your own emotions when your children are around. We have had a significant number of deaths in my husband's family in the last 2 years (enough already- we're drained!) and as overwhelmed as we both were with grief and sadness, we were able to hold it together (not fake happy, just not overtly devastated) when our 3 yr old was around us.

Take care of yourself too!