"Family" Photo - Houston,TX

My parents were divorced when I was very small, and I never really had visions of them together. I had two dads, one who was married to my mom and one who wasn't, so it really wasn't a huge fantasy of mine. BUT, on my wedding day and later when I got my graduate degree, I did want a photo of myself with my two bio parents. It has nothing to do with the happy, together family and everything to do with this is where I came from.
A photo at the first birthday party makes sense to me. A whole "family" photo shoot at Sears or something would be way too weird.

I think the picture might be a good idea. If I were the child I would like to think that there was some sort of relationship between my parents. I think I would be horrified to think I was the product of a one night stand! Imagine the conversation "How come there are no pictures of you and dad?" "Because we never dated. We just had sex one time." Ewww. Makes both parents look pretty bad!

If I were the little girl, I would want a picture of me with my two parents. It would be a reminder to me that I have a mom who loves me and a dad who loves me.

I think you should let the little girl have her picture.

This isn't your "situation" at all. Not your child, not your one night stand, not even your husband at this point.

He made a person with someone else that wants a picture of just the three of them. There's nothing wrong with that and you shouldn't feel threatened at all.

If your fiance becomes your husband you will have a chance at being a step mom. You can shower that little girl with attention and love. You can be the best listener, supporter and role model possible. Then you can take lots of pictures with just the three of you in them.

When I got married, I wanted a picture of my husband, mom, dad and me. My parents had been divorced for over 15 years at that point. My step-mother freaked out about it and got all upset. It was ABSOLUTELY ridiculous.

It's a picture. And it's important to the child. She may only be one, but she has two biological parents, and a picture of the three of them is invaluable. What's most important is that this has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. In your post you make references to bio Mom being selfish and making everything about her. Newsflash: you are doing the exact same thing.

Having had a multitude of stepparents, I urge you to put the child first and your needs second. That is what parents do. You clearly have issues with bio-Mom and I totally can see why you do. But you need to get over it and put this little girl first and set a good example.

Please let her have her picture. It actually is important.

I agree with Gidget whole-heartedly. The picture will be important for the child. Who wants to think that they are the product of a one-night stand? Is that what your finace plans to tell her? How cruel that would be. Let the child have a picture that tells her where she came from. It's important for her.

First, you really don't get a say...sorry. Unfortunately, Dad has 2 choices: play by mom's rules or don't and get shut out. I think he needs to play by mom's rules until he can form a bond/hire an atty/get partial custody.

The picture thing is no big deal. My mom has a stepdaughter. She (the stepdaughter) wanted a picture with her mom and dad on her college graduation day and her wedding day. It didn't bother my mom at all--those are, and forever will be, her parents. Should the picture be all huggy and close together? Nope! Mom and Dad can stand on either side of birthday girl and smile.

Pretend for a minute that this is how you came about (one night stand). Wouldn't you love a picture of you with both of your parents. It's not going to change the fact that they were never in love, married, together, etc, but I think it would be a nice picture to have!

Of course it's OK. No harm. They are her parents.

It's not your issue. It's your fiancé's. You have nothing to do with this woman or her baby. My advice to YOU, however, is that YOU keep quiet about what he should do. You tell him you trust him to do the right thing. If he chooses to take the photo, he's a wee bit confused about who he is in a relationship with. That would be beyond off the wall if he took the photo with her and if he were doing so to please her and keep her happy. It is not his job to keep a stranger happy even if he did have sex with her in a one night stand. He should be more concerned with how that photo would affect you. So far, though, you have not indicated that he is doing anything inappropriate in his actions towards his one night stand woman. If this woman is manipulating him into this photo, then it's only just beginning, dear. And then, yes, you'll be along the for the whole crazy ride for at least the next 18 yrs. and you really need to ask yourself if it's worth it and if he's worth it. Sounds like you were already on a slippery slope when you got involved with him. you DID know what were getting into, but you are NOT married yet. A broken engagement is a lot easier than a painful divorce.

Other than that, not sure why you are asking what you should do if it is regarding how she manages who does or does not see the baby. You are the last person who has any say in any of this. You are the fiancé of the man who made a huge mistake by having sex one time with the mother of the baby. You do nothing.

Way overthinking it. It IS just a picture. I can understand being miffed if they did a picture with the two of them with their arms around each other. If it is just a picture with the two of them with the child in the middle, seriously no big deal. If you flip your lid on this, you are going to be the one that looks crazy.

I don't see anything wrong with it.
And technically, you're not the stepmother yet. And O. day, if you are her stepmom? I'd still leave these decisions to her mom & dad.
The "picture" scenario might be bothering you more than mom or dad or child.

I'm not sure what she thinks a picture is going to do but what can she do to make a one night stand seem grander than it was?

John Lennon told his son (Julian), ... that Julian was an unplanned child who “came from a bottle of whiskey” (they got drunk, had sex and she got pregnant).

The man might have waxed eloquent in song but he could say some brutal things.

Don't let the picture bother you.
How this girl is raised is not up to you and even if you eventually marry you'll still have a limited say as a step mother.

When you marry someone you marry not only that person but all the baggage they come with. So be prepared, one night stand or not, crazy or not, he made a kid with this person so they will both be in YOUR life forever, for better or worse.
I guess only YOU know whether or not he's worth it.

Why hasn't he taken her to court for visitation?????

That's just silly if he hasn't. This is his biological child and he has legal rights. She can't dictate who can see that child and who can't. Even if daddy wanted to take kiddo to see every friend and family member he has. Mom cannot dictate what he does during his visits.

He needs to make sure his rights are being upheld in every way.

Also, mom needs to do her own kiddo party and dad needs to do his own kiddo party. They don't need to do just one party. That's not weird to me but in this case it's a bunch of kindling ready for that spark so it will burst into flames.

No way I'd let this happen if it was my child. I'd have already spoken to an attorney and I'd have been to court to establish my own visitation away from the mom and away from her family and her home.

this picture would not be appropriate. It would be a picture of people pretending to be a "together family". I would not do it. Now if she wants a picture of just the baby and dad, that is another story.

it's just a picture.
what's the beef?
khairete
S.

It may bother me but once I heard the story that he made someone pregnant during a one night stand I would have walked away. (I was 23 when I met my husband and I had no baggage and wanted to find someone else that had no baggage) Since you chose to stay, I think you better start getting used to request from the baby mom that you may not like. Best of luck!

A picture of the three of them looking like a couple with their baby is just wrong. My husband and my step-daughter's mother broke up right before she found out that she was pregnant. While he was "there for her" during the pregnancy in the sense that he knew how far along she was, went to birth classes and was present at the birth, they were very clearly no longer a couple. He has visitation with his daughter from birth and shared custody, etc. through court as soon as it could be established.

With all that, there are no pics of him and his ex-gf together looking like a family with their daughter. There might be some from over the years with other people in the pic as well, but them posed together? No.

Your fiance needs to establish a firm boundary here that his relationship is with his daughter, not the baby's mother.

Speaking of which...he needs to go to court for child support, custody and visitation so that he can decide who his daughter spends time with during his parenting time. The baby's mother does not get to arbitrarily restrict the list of people from his side of the family who spend time with your fiance's daughter. Once he gets visitation established via court, it's actually NOT within her rights as the custodial parent to decide who sees her baby.

Glad you got it figured out. The best thing to do as situations arise in the future is to do whatever it takes to give this precious little girl the best opportunity to have a relationship with her dad. If she doesn't have a close relationship with her dad, she will be on track to being a single mom and/or have STDs, etc.

Girls need to be close to their dads. Treat the mom as a friend, and don't look for mistakes or dwell on her shortcomings. We all have them. Overlook her faults as you do a friend's. Give her extra slack sometimes since she has the difficult job of being a single parent. It doesn't bring out the best in people. If you become friends, and convince your husband to treat her well, the mom will allow him to be the best dad he can be under the circumstances. And this precious little girl will have a shot at a healthy life.

If the mom wants photos, let her have photos. The little girl will see what reality is as she grows up. Don't let her see any disagreement - keep that away from her. I have a formal portrait of my mom, dad and 3 siblings about 6 years or so after the divorce (and my dad was remarried with a son), and I cherish that photo now that my dad has passed away. It is a demonstration to me that my dad did whatever it took to keep my mom happy, as I'm sure it was my mom's idea.

Signed,
A daughter of a divorce and remarriages

It's just a picture. Jeez. If the daughter doesn't want it, she won't take it.

Your fiance needs to take that paternity test to court, get a court order for everything regarding his child, and go from there.

IMO, there is no need for family pictures when they are not a family and he's barely included in her life. Not everyone can be all fuzzy wuzzy about a past relationship, and if my DH's ex asked for a group photo, I'd be a tad uncomfortable. Just because someone else's family is cozy doesn't guarantee yours will or should. I'm very happy not to be friends with my sks' mom and I feel no particular obligation to change that. The sks had pictures of her with them in their rooms here, and that was fine. She is their mother, after all.

I like the idea of candid only. It seems to be a good compromise. FYI, I never had any pictures at all of my parents together, nevermind any at any events. Maybe I am wired differently, but I felt no need to have them in the same frame to know where I came from. When the child gets older, he can tell her his story and answer her questions.

As a seasoned SM to a newbie SM, I caution you to tread lightly and keep an open eye. I went into this gig with a lot of preconceived notions about what was mine to fix and it caused a lot of angst on my part.

I think that it is important that the little girl be able to grow up with some image of her parents not hating each other. It doesn't matter that they were never a couple; they are TOGETHER her parents, and they owe to her at least one picture of them all together. They owe her that image emblazened onto her brain, at the foundation of her healthy upbringing. She has the rest of her life to see that her parents aren't together and will never be together.

I mean this in the most helpful and loving way possible: You are NOT her stepmother. MAYBE you will be in her life forever, but until you actually get married to her father, you are NOT her stepmother. That means that you do not get to make any decisions here. (I say that to you as a stepmother who understands the frustrations that come with the role.)

Also, I have concern for your personal health and well-being, that you would even embark on this path with a stranger. I believe that there can be an exception to anything, so I don't know that you're not it. From this side, though, I think that you should have cut your losses on that first day of meeting, before you got involved with him. So much goes into the idea of pending parenthood, especially if it's unexpected. You should have given him plenty room--unattached to you--to figure out this life change, what his role would be, how the two of them would work it out. He should have had the right to weigh his options and even decide if he wanted to create a home with this woman, after all, to care for the new life that they had created. She has every right to feel what she's feeling, knowing that YOU are part of the decision-making team for THEIR child and how HE gets to respond to the situation. Add to that that you are not his wife, and.... The circumstances under which this child was conceived are less than ideal--and she needs to take responsibility for that--but she has not had a moment alone with the co-creator to bask in their creation. It's her doing, but she's still got a right to feel how she feels about it.

He should have been "free" to decide with HER if he would participate in the pregnancy phase and the birth and the early infancy phase. Instead, he had to consider your feelings and how all of this would affect you. You should have wanted more for yourself than a bucket of drama at hello. (Seriously, he found out on the very day that you met? I probably would have seen that as a sign to keep on moving.)

If you do marry him, please wait another few years. Give him space to learn how to parent his child and co-parent with her. In the meantime, please get some counseling for yourself and with your fiance, so you can better navigate this situation moving forward.

No one can answer your question, but the little girl when she is old enough to understand the situation.

Right now the mother seems to have a lot of control, but once you marry your fiance, you will hopefully make family choices together. Discuss that with your fiance and let him know what you want out of this.