Family Relationships

If it was me...I wouldn't care. Life is too short to be angry about petty things. Maybe he was broke on those days? Maybe his child needed something. If he stops buying presents, who cares? Be the better person or just ask him nicely, maybe he does realize he's doing it. I can't buy things for my nieces and nephews all the time, because I have two children of my own to worry about. I give them gifts on something significant in their lives like graduations, weddings and baby showers. I don't give presents unless I am invited to a party.

Have you talked to him?

My SIL's are both like this. Now I text them asking for them to call my kids to acknowledge their birthdays. One of them got it but the other is still too selfish to remember on her own.

Cut him out of your life?

Seriously?

Because he doesn't acknowledge your kids' birthdays?

You know what? I think you should keep acknowledging your nephew's birthday and other holidays with awesome cards and perfect gifts and accept the fact that not everyone makes such a big deal about birthdays...I mean, I can understand why you find this hurtful, but I think you're making too big of a deal about it. And if your kids notice anything, it'll probably because they've overheard someone talking about it.

True--your kids eventually MIGHT connect the dots. But life isn't always fair and equal.

When you put expectations on others, you will always be disappointed.

I think it's silly to get upset because your 1 year old didn't get a birthday wish on facebook. Or that his status wasn't "all about them". They are babies and little kids. They don't care about facebook. You do. Most likely they won't notice the snub either unless you make a big deal out of it. If it bothers you so much, can you not just ask him about it? Be an adult and just talk to him about it calmly and rationally.

A couple of things..

!. Most men do not keep up with birthdays, holidays.. and they certainly do not keep up with gifts etc..

It is just not a big deal to them.. really. So lower your expectations.

2. Only give from your heart. Do not give, because you are supposed to or because you want something back.. It does not work that way.

There is no obligation for anyone to give anyone a gift.

I love my niece and nephew. I give them gifts, I send them cards with money, but my sister has not sent me a gift in years.. I just really do not care.

This was the first year I did not send my sister a card or gift. I was busy, so I am sending one tomorrow.. but no money this time.. because money is a little tight for me right now. I am not even worried about it.

To cut them out of your life for this? I do not think so.. There are so many ways family can hurt each other.. gifts.. are not even close to the hatefulness that goes on in some families.. Try not to look for drama.

Just ask him directly. Why doesn't he acknowledge your kids' birthdays but recognize the others in your family? Why is he so bent out of shape when you arrived late for your nephew's birthday party when he doesn't even attend your children's parties? That's it. See what he says. Then be the bigger person and move on. Keep being generous with your neices and nephews and doing for them on holidays/birthdays, and don't dwell on who isn't sending your kids birthday wishes. Feel good about those who are.

Have you ever talked to your brother about this? It sounds like a good place to start.

And of course you don't cut him out of your life over something as trivial as gifts. Also, men aren't usually good at such things.

It's a pretty petty thing to consider cutting someone out of your life, but only maintaining it b/c you love the nephew. That's just kind of crazy talk. I think expecting something, or even a mention on facebook for a one year old or 3 year olds is kind of silly, that's more like you wanting an acknowledgment for yourself, because obviously an infant or toddler isn't ever even going to know.

I just wouldn't worry about it. I get that it can be annoying that your kindness isn't reciprocated, and you can gauge how giving you are able to be based on your situation. I have about 15 nieces and nephews, and I rarely buy them birthday or Christmas gifts. It's pretty rare when I do (though of course they all live out of state), but if I'm visiting during that time I may get them something small or call them and say happy birthday, but we also don't expect gifts from them to our kids.

Your children may notice when they get older... but only if you make a big deal about it. Otherwise, they will be too busy and happy with everyone else telling them happy birthday and getting them gifts. I have 8 aunts and uncles and it never even bothered me or occurred to me that they never sent me holiday gifts. It just gets too expensive and time consuming as the years go on and and family multiples. What you can do, is call your brother on your kids birthdays to chat, then say, "Hey, would you like me to get the birthday child on the phone so you can wish him/her a happy birthday?" It works for us.

1) Communication is key - Before you allow this to consume you and create other problems, let your brother know how you feel. This happens in my family of of the time. One person gets upset and complains to everyone else but the person they are upset with. How is someone you love suppose to rectify, explain or even apologize, if they don't even know that they are doing something that is upsetting you? For every action is a reaction. If he is sensing your change towards him, he may be reacting by withdrawing. He isn't a mind reader and we all know men are different in expressing themselves.

2) If you give with all of your heart just for the internal rewards that come from giving and never expect anything in return, you will never be disappointed.

3) The way you feel and the way you handle a situation or expect things to be handled is not the way others will handle things. We are all different. There is no right or wrong when it comes to our feelings. You obviously love your brother and want him to be a part of your life. Accept him for all of the positive aspects there are when he is in your life. Concentrate on the positive instead of the negative. Accept the things you cannot change.

4) Children should not have to pay for the ill will between siblings. When they are old enough to understand, they will make their own assessment of the situation. Your nephew will always remember your kindness and generosity. Let him know how much you love him and don't treat him differently because you feel your brother doesn't do enough for your children. Two wrongs do not make a right. Be the better person. Set the example for your own children and don't change who you are and everything you represent because you feel the gift giving scale is uneven.

10 years from now you do not want someone to ask you why you don't speak to your brother and your answer to be, "He didn't acknowledge my kids the way I had hoped." I suspect there is more going on here than what you are saying and I think you need to identify, rectify and communicate with the person you have the problem with.

First, I would do what a lot of posters have suggested: let go of any expectations you have of your brother. Do what you genuinely feel is right.

THEN-- when you have gotten past this somewhat, continue to do what you feel is right, without obligation. If you can't make it to a birthday party for Bro's kid sometime in the future, just be cool about it. If he makes a stink-- and only if he makes a stink-- then let him know that you don't appreciate the double standard he's expecting. Be clear that you enjoy doing things for his kids, and that sometimes plans don't work out---and that he's felt comfortable in the past not doing/showing up for things, so that you feel the same forgiveness should be extended to you. Just be matter-of-fact about it, don't blast him....

And please, try not to take it personally. (Our family has a car with no AC and summertime is misery for me in that thing.) If the kids figure out Uncle's a flake-- well, that's between him and them. I have a few family situations like this which I could place in the 'not fair' category-- instead, I try to just keep the times we have together pleasant and hope that my son learns to make the most of what he does have of those relationships.

Good luck! and please-- don't be on alert for ways he's going to offend you or your family-- do not use your good energy that way! :)

I would try not to take it personal.
He just doesnt sound into it.
You could have a talk with him, let him know it hurts your kids (if it is).
You probably can't change him though.
You are teaching HIS kids about you though since you've been consistent with presents to them. That karma will come back on you one day.
Don't hate your brother, just realize that you probably wont be able to change him unless you talk to him and he "gets it".

Updated

I would try not to take it personal.
He just doesnt sound into it.
You could have a talk with him, let him know it hurts your kids (if it is).
You probably can't change him though.
You are teaching HIS kids about you though since you've been consistent with presents to them. That karma will come back on you one day.
Don't hate your brother, just realize that you probably wont be able to change him unless you talk to him and he "gets it".

I have the same issue with my brother! Tell him how you feel and what his behavior is doing to you. When my brother missed my daughter's college graduation in May, she was so hurt and I was furious. That has damaged how she feels about her Uncle. I will not fix that.

You do need to speak with him so that the resentment doesn't build because believe me it will!!

Out of my whole side of the family only my closest sister sends cards/give gifts to my kids. She's the only one who's really "into" being an auntie.
My husband's side is HUGE, so birthdays are almost a non issue. Between all the weddings, bridal/baby showers, anniversaries, graduations, baptisms, etc. we have MORE than enough on our calendar. We have birthday parties for our kids and their friends. Family is welcome but never expected to come (and they rarely do.)
Have you ever actually TALKED to your brother about how you feel? That's probably the best place to start.

Sounds like your brother is different than you are. It's OK to be different. Since this concerns you so much I suggest that you talk with him about how you feel.

However, I'd take my thoughts out of the realm of drama first and work on giving your brother unconditional love. Love him even tho he doesn't feel the same way about birthdays that you do. Focus on the good characteristics that he has. Above all try to not take his actions so personally. I doubt that he's doing this on purpose.

How do you know he does this on purpose?

I suggest that if you tell him in a calm and loving manner that it's important to you that he acknowledge the birthdays he will do better at doing it.

I suggest that there are reasons having nothing to do with you that he acknowledges the other children. For one thing, they're older. Perhaps he's spent more time with them and feels closer to them.

Not acknowledging their birthdays does not mean he doesn't care about them. He just has a different relationship with them then he does with the older children.

I like the suggestion that you call him on their birthdays. Make it easy for him to say happy birthday. Make this a win/win situation for both of you. See if you can improve your relationship with him.

Frankly, I might not acknowledge birthdays if the mom gets upset when I miss one. It's off putting to be expected to give. We like to give because we have decided to give. None of us like to be told we have to do such and such to prove our love.

You want to acknowledge birthdays. Sounds like you think it's expected of you and you accept that. That's your choice. Your brother may not feel that he needs to acknowledge birthdays. He may want to live his life differently and this is part of that choice. That choice certainly doesn't mean he doesn't love you or your children. Neither does it mean anything personal. It's a different way of relating than you relate. I suggest that is all it is.

Stop with the drama. Let people live the way they choose to live. Don't expect them to live by your rules. Show love and love will be returned. Probably not in the manner you would like but it's love just the same.

I feel the same way at times but long as you give them your love that's all that matters I'm going through that's now

He sounds like a very immature man. What did he say when you reminded him that he doesn't even come to your parties when he fussed at you for being late?

To be honest, I wouldn't even read his FB postings. If he's immature on his fb, you don't want to even respond to it. (I am astonished at people who argue on fb, to be honest. It's so childish.)

One way to think about things is that you aren't being close to your nephew because of your brother. You are close to your nephew because he means something to you. The nephew will feel close to YOU as he grows up, even when he's not living with his parents anymore.

On the other hand, your kids will know that their uncle is a real flake, and they won't care about him when they are older. He may actually want to buddy up to them once they are older (and when HE'S older), and they won't care. Maybe he'll realize that THIS is what he gets for ignoring his sister's kids.

What goes around comes around. He's the one who will lose out, M.. Not your kids. With someone who is this immature and such a loose cannon, I don't think I would mind it if he didn't show up, to tell you the truth.

Dawn

You and no one else - drive to where he lives and talk to him alone.
Express your feelings with him, ask him what is wrong.

Best Wishes

~~ Happy Birthday to your little one. ~~

We experience some of that in our family, also. We realize people get busy, but sometimes we feel snubbed and it hurts.

One thing we've noticed is that before we had kids we were able to come to many events - soccer games, school music programs, etc. They live 2 hours away, and we were "expected" to come to things on a Wednesday night! Even when our oldest was little we were able to do more. Now that our kids are 3 and 6 and we own a house, it's just not that easy. There's so much more going on. We still come to birthday parties and other events when we can, but no where near what we once did.

We wonder if they don't feel a little snubbed because we don't come to as many things. I really don't think they have a clue as to how much we did for them.

I do worry that the kids will start to notice. Right now, I try to make a big deal about the good things that family does and try to not notice the things that would be disappointing. I don't mean to be negative AT ALL. I just try not to EXPECT and just really appreciate everything that they actually are able to do.

I completely understand what you are saying and how you must feel. I don't think there are any easy answers, other than do the best you can to be happy regardless of what he chooses to do.

Good luck!

Maybe your brother has a beef with you? Try talking to him about him (not your kids or your hurt feelings) He may have a reason for behaving so poorly when it comes to you...it may not be a good reason, but once you know what it is you can begin to repair your relationship. Best wishes!