Family Vacation Advice

I think he is awful to exclude anyone from a family vacation. I feel for the spot you are in. I think if he refuses to let her go I wouldn't go either.

From personal experience, my stepmother left me out of a family vacation in high school because of poor grades and went with my father, brother and sister (she has no kids of her own). To this day they all regret it - it was NOT a "FAMILY" vacation. My mother let me take another trip at the same time anyway because she felt so bad for me, but the damage was done. I resented them for years for this and it most certainly did not "teach" me anything, in fact my grades worsened for the last 2 yrs. of high school. My stepmother and I are fine now but every now and again she still brings up how much SHE regrets her decision.

I took a year off between college and high school (again, much to my stepmother's chagrin) and truly believe it was the best decision I've ever made. When I did go to college I felt like it was MY decision and MY responsibility not just a motion to go through to please my parents. I graduated with Honors and in the top 2% of my class and have since pursued my goals and am leading what I consider to be a successful and fulfilling life.

Is your husband aware of the percentage of kids who flunk out their freshman year of college? I'm betting the statistic would shock him. More and more kids are starting off at places like JCCC so they can get through some of the general academics while maturing enough emotionally to handle life away at school. (Not to mention keeping the costs way down if things don't work out.)

My advice is to go on that vacation as a FAMILY. If your husband isn't willing to do that, so be it - go with just the kids. Your daughter needs to have discipline and structure (as long as you're under this roof sort of thing) not punishment and negativity. Maybe she's unsure of what she wants to be, maybe she needs time to figure that out and maybe college just isn't right for her right now. What she does need now and always is a family to support her, not exclude her.

Sorry to be so winded but this post really struck a chord with me. Good luck in whatever you decide.

L.
It is very hard to be a peacemaker between husband and child whether it is a step-father or not. My sons 22 and 25 both had summer jobs each year but told the employer up front that a family vacation was planned for a certain week and they work with them. I am questioning why your husband does not want her to go. Is there something else going on that is bothering him. I feel she is part of the family and should be with you on the trip. You will not have many more opportunities to spend time with her as she will be grown and gone soon. It is hard enough being 19 let alone being excluded intentionally from a family vacation. Think long and hard before you make a decision. You should spend some time alone with your husband and get at the real reason. Hope things work out for everyone involved. I will say a pray for you.

D. C.

L. - With all due respect, what's wrong with you? If ANYONE talked about my child like that to my face... my mama bear claws would be out!!! Stick up for your daugter and stand up against your husband!!! I think you've got some serious problems with you husband. I would also do everything in your power to make sure your daughter does NOT find out what her step father said. YOu should tell him that the FAMILY is going together... it's his choice whether he stays at home or not.

L., the way you tell it, this is pretty serious at a lot of levels. First, kids don't all grow up at the same speed. That your daughter had a tough time becoming responsible in her first year away from home is not that odd. LOTS of kids aren't totally ready for it. Your husband is being way harsh. Encourage her growth but don't be punitive.

Second, the bigger problem is his attitude toward your daughter. Can't imagine spending 7 days with her? USING your money? Wow. I thought money was meant to be "used" for family togetherness. He sounds like he's taken a really hard position and has NO INTEREST in your needs or her feelings. He sounds so adamant, controlling and inflexible. Not to put a biblical spin on it, but she is the flesh of your flesh, you and your daughter are a package deal. What is his problem with her? It should have been fairly easy to love a 5-year old, and he had a lot of years to bond with her before she hit her teens (early bonding being maybe the only thing protecting our difficult teens from us killing them!). Is he miserable in some other area of his life, and taking it out on her? Do you understand what is going on there?

I worry for your daughter's self-esteem and for your marriage. You say she is ok with him, but it's unusual that a kid can't feel animosity coming from one of the primary adults in her family. And it's unlikely that an 11 year old sibling will keep quiet. Can YOU get into counseling to talk about your husband's attitude toward your daughter? I predict this will keep getting worse before she's back out of the house. I worry that you will continue to be put in the middle, trying to protect her from his anger and control issues.

I know I haven't given you any advice about the vacation. I guess it's because I see it as a no-win. If you leave your daughter, you will give her a terrible message about her place in your family. (Not to mention, she's almost grown and these last vacations with her should be precious for you). But if you don't go, you will be emphasizing a serious rift between you and your husband. I guess I would ask him to find a compromise - make some deal with her about getting a job for the rest of the summer in exchange for going on vacation. But if he won't, you're in a pickle. I wouldn't allow him this control, if it were me. But that is a choice you have to make, because either way, you will have to live with the consequences.

Maybe someone smarter than I am will have a third option for you. I SURE HOPE SO!

Man L., this is quite the situation. Sounds like it has been building for quite some time. I hate to say this but it sounds to me like the stepdad is a bit of a JERK. He needs to realize that 19 may be legally an adult but truly your daughter is still the CHILD. At 19 many kids are overwhelmed with the freedoms and responsibilities that they have recently encountered since graduating high school and many kids do not even want to be close to their parents. I find it encouraging that your daughter wants to go, she appears to want a relationship with you. Take the opportunity to further your relationship with your daughter. I'd hate to see you burn bridges with her. This is a time of turmoil in her life and she needs your support. No matter if she is 9, 19 or 29 she still needs her mom! Your hubby's statement about "spending our money" sounds pretty selfish to me. Money is not what is important in this situation. Relationships are important. Your daughter will soon be a mature adult and I would not let a bit of money and a silly vacation ruin the relationship you have worked so hard to build with her the past 19 years. Furthermore, it sounds like a pretty bad idea for the 11 year old to be in on adult conversations. This child has no reason to know that stepdad does not want 19 year old on the vacation. It should not even be discussed in front of the children. The 11 year old being privy to that kind of knowledge could put a wedge between his relationship with his sister. Finally, when you and hubby married he knew it was a package deal, you and your daughter. I think he needs to grow up and accept that she is family and treat her as such. I'd mandate that everyone goes or noone goes. Other option say she is going and so are you and the other kids but if he has a problem with that then he can stay home.

Sorry if I came across harsh. I just don't think he is supportive of her, her situations, struggles and most importantly her relationship with you and the rest of her family.

I wish you the best of luck!

Your daughter is still at 19 just a child, making bad decisions is what they do,thats what a lot of us not so perfect kids did, Vacations are very important for familys to spend together. Even schools recognize that pulling children out of school on occasions is healthy for the family if it enables them to spend quality time together. My x-spouse didnt go on vacations with us when we were married because he thought it a waste of money but I was working and I put my foot down and said "I am going without you",for our kids, and for me I looked forward to them, no interruptions from anyone outside our family, we could really talk and enjoy each other. Guess what? We had fun without him, and for years enjoyed our vacations just me and my two girls, my x-spouse missed out, but his choice, I would never tell my child they werent welcome to go. You cant use this vacation to punish her, kind of drastic, and you would be miserable with her not being there. Love them, they are precious gifts to us.

I have to agree with Jennifer A. below.

Watching someone step parent is not pretty. When are step parents going to realize they are NOT the biological parent, so stop acting like they are?? This daughter has a biological parent IN THE HOUSE. All step dad has to do is be a mentor, friend, buddy. He is LUCKY!!

Your husband is putting you in a losing position...and you are letting him do it! I can bet you this...he wouldn't do that to you with any of the kids you two actually have together.

Your daughter is nineteen years old. Did we all make perfect decisions at that time? Heck, no. I am glad to hear she is still in college. Start focusing on the good since your husband is determined to focus on the bad.

If your husband wants to be immature and play the "I won't go if she goes" card, leave him home with the 16 month old to tend to. He will get over it.

As for your nineteen year old daughter, spend as much time with her now as she is willing to give you. She will be gone in a flash soon and busy with her own life and new relationships. Simply be her mother and love her.

You know you need to do what is best for you. If you feel that she does need to get her school work up then you need to tell her that. She will find out eventually that your husband doesn't want her to go. Is it better to hear that from you or your 11 year old? She might not see your point but it will make her a better child. Let her know that if her grades go up she can go. It is all about working it out. It seems like you are in the middle of a battle of the wills. I wish you luck! I can't imagine constantly chosing between your kid and your husband.

in my opinion your husband needs to talk to his step child before the youngest lets it out anyway. she may not agree but at least you are not talking on his behalf on the situation which to me is not healthy communication. I agree with him however. a 19 yr old, while still a child (I dno't think they are grown really til age 26) must start understanding her actions have consequences. if she is "Spending your money" unwisely on college, a consequence should be presented. BUT that should be communicated by both of you, not just one of you, as the result of her decision. actions have consequences. if she goes on the vacation then what message sending to this person becoming an adult?

Let her stay home, she is a woman now and should learn that there are consequencew to to face when she does live up to her responsibilities. She should stay home and try to make up for goofing off at college.
Milli