FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrom) and Denial

Maybe the mother isn't willing or able to face her addiction yet??? Alcoholism is an addiction and for you to ask her about her daughter in that way probably felt very invasive and threatening. It would have been better to wait until she brought it up if she wanted to discuss treatment with you. My guess is the mom is guilt-riddened in the fact that SHE produced this child with FAS because of HER actions. I would leave the situation alone. She may come to you at some point to talk about it, but for now- leave it alone.

M

To admit that their child has FAS is to admit to their inability to deny the addiction during pregnancy- would you honestly be open and chat with another parent about that?

I worked with a little boy at the very start of my career who very clearly has FAS. As part of our initial assessment, I asked the mother if she smoked, drank or did drugs during her pregnancy and she stated "no" and moved on. Clearly, she was lying. It took months of working with this child- testing, counseling, observing to build a relationship with the mother that would allow her to admit to the drinking, but it is so important to note here.. I HAD A REASON TO KNOW and she couldn't lie to me forever about it.

Bottom line- you don't have a reason to know the answer to that question. You are not family, you are not a clinician, you are a friend. Of course they are embarassed, ashamed, guilty- all of the above! Wouldn't you be?

Be tactful here and do nothing. If the child is struggling in school, the school will refer her for an evaluation and the truth will come out. You don't know for a fact that this child isn't being treated and frankly, it's not your business. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

In my opinion, you don't do anything. If the mother came to you and asked you for help, intervention then I would get involve. But since this family hasn't said anything I wouldn't step in and offer anything. The mother probably takes her child to the pediatrician and I'm sure the doctors have said something to her. If she is in denial let her be, it's not your place.
That's just my opinion. I would be totally offended and upset if someone gave me their two sense about my family without me asking for it.

I can't tell from your post if the parents are actually in denial. Maybe they just don't want to discuss their child's medical issues with you. Also, if the child has FAS and is a biological child I can definitely see why they wouldn't want to discuss it with you (they would have to admit that they caused this in their child and that would be a hard thing to discuss with acquaintances). Maybe she is getting medical/social services and this is her at her best. Do you know for a fact she doesn't receive medical care? FAS is wide ranging in its symptoms. She might have a severe case that is unmanageable.

I would say guilt....is there any way this girl is adopted and they don't want to discuss that with her? I have a friend who's adopted dd has FAS and its hell for her.

I don't think you can do anything except plan for the worst next time they come over...you can't force the issue.

She may not be in denial at all. She may not want to discuss her daughter's issues with you. I would personally be offended if someone asked me in so many words "what's wrong with your kid?"

Maybe they don't realize that her actions are related to that.

Maybe she doesn't have FAS at all, and really has something else going on like Asperger's or something and they just don't want to approach a dr. and have they're child labeled. The reason I mention Asperger's is that the actions you mention at the dinner table fit my nephew (2nd grade). As far as I know he was not a FAS baby, but does have Asperger tendacies that the mom is in denial about. She won't get him tested because she doesn't want him labelled.

M.

yes it is probably as you say " Guilt, Shame, Embarrassement". Unless you are close to this mother, I don't see that there is anything you can do.

Diagnosing someone else's child is a slippery slope.
I know someone whose child has facial deformities.
She was born with a severe cleft lip and palate.
She also has behavior issues.
She's had numerous surgeries since the time she was just a little baby. She's been through more than any kid should have to endure.
It's not something on her arm or her leg. It's her face.
Her parents not talking about it 24/7 or putting a sticker on her shirt isn't the same thing as being in denial.
Or a facade.
It seems like you want to be more right than be a supportive friend.
I could be wrong.
Looks can be deceiving.

There but for the Grace of God.........right?

Here is what I would do. I would just go on with life and treat the child as any other child you meet through your own child. Some kids are just messy eaters. I have a messy eater. Just show love and compassion for the child and let the parents do the parenting. I am sure they take her to her yearly check ups and all that sort of thing. There are a lot of other disorders that have the same effects as well, and there are a lot of parents out there that don't take kindly to being told there is something wrong with their child. I have a child with Asberger Syndrome and had to fight with the school to get him help because he was getting good grades. It was the behavioral issues and misfiring in the brain that finally they tested him for social disorders and finally got him help. I know I fought from Kindergarten to 3rd grade before the school would listen to me. Of course I am a proactive Mom and kept on them. Finally he stopped throwing chairs and pencils and such across the room and is sitting and doing his work more. They also may be having issues like I did and it is a very stressful situation, so some people close off with stress and others open up. Anyhow, just show the child love and compassion while she is at your house. It will help a lot.

D. P.

So sad. My brother was born seriously affected by FAS and it posed serious challenges for him his entire life. My mother was a full-blown alcoholic during her pregnancy. You asked about guilt. Yes, guilt is huge in these cases. So much so that on her deathbed, sober for 10 years, my mother talked me to me about the guilt she felt for what she had "done" to her only son. During his lifetime, my father was in complete denial. I don't think there is anything you can do. The parents know there is a problem. If it is, in fact, FAS, they know what caused it and that they are responsible. Assuming this child is seeing a pediatrician regularly, any medical intervention would be taking place, and if the child is in school, educational assistance should be taking place, also. My heart breaks for children needlessly born with a lifetime of challenges based on the foolish actions of their parents. Sadly, I don't think there is anything you can do.

Maybe she feels guilt, maybe she has no idea what FAS is (if I hadn't studied it in nursing school I wouldn't have a clue as to what it was so I wouldn't expect someone without medical knowledge to know), maybe she doesn't know what you are asking. I don't really think you should push the condition because you just really don't know. To admit to having a child with FAS is to admit to drinking while pregnant and causing it, and to ask her if her child has it would be to accuse her of doing that. I have seen a lot of funky looking kids that look and act like a disorder that really don't have that diagnosis, they are just funny looking, and judging from what you say about the mom, I'm sure that this child is under enough stress to cause her to have behavior problems. All you can do is ask her if there is anything you can do to help her help the child.

Sure, she may have FAS, or some type of developmental/neurological condition, but as a supportive friend, you can't be a doctor. The parents obviously are in denial, and intervening will do no good. It is sad a child is going untreated, but it's the parents' fault, and sooner or later, a teacher/provider/etc will tell them that their child needs to be evaluated. Unless the parents ask you for your opinion on their child's behavior, there is not much you can do. To avoid messy dinners/playdates, just cut down the amount of get-togethers you have with this family and seek other families to hang with. It is a very sad situation but there is not much u can do.

I have never heard of FAS and would not know what to look for. Maybe they don't know...

Be a Friend and to me a friend doesnt judge how a child eats... You be you and let her and her family be them. Do you think she would be hurt to read what you wrote??? Love them, show them that you care and if its too much then don't but I dont believe you said you or your husband were doctors, so relax and take people for who they are and what they say!! xoxo