Father Who Wont Get Involved in Taking Care of Our Newborn

I have also personally dealt with this. Surprisingly, the macho "no big deal" attitude is fear. Men are scared to death of babies... seriously! :D My husband was very minimal in his physical help (although he is very protective of our daughters: Katlyn 2½ years and Karyn 5 mos).

With both my girls, I was blessed with help from my mother in-law and sisters, so I had the support I needed without being too "needy" of my husband. It puts a lot of pressure on them and pushes them away even further. It took me being independent for him to feel comfortable in coming forward.

To some it may sound silly. Really think about it, though, for most men the reality of a baby "hits" when the baby is born ~ even if they are involved in the pregnancy. We on the other hand have 9 months to warm up to the baby, love the baby, have a relationship with the baby in a very intimate way that Dads lose out on. So it would only make sense that these Dads would need a little time themselves to get comfortable with the idea.

I know there isn't much suggestion here, but for me, understanding my husband was the greatest battle of all.

In addition, my firstborn, even with the little contact she had with him in the first months of her life, ADORES her Daddy and doesn't know the difference. He is very involved now and he is her hero. Most dads are. Hope this helps.

hi A.,
i was kind of in the same boat as you. my son's father rarely took any interst in him when he was a newborn. (my son is 4 1/2 months old now) up until like 3 weeks ago he wou;d not help me out so i told him that this time goes by so fast and will never get it back. i also told him i can't do it all. i am stressed out and cranky dealing with him all day long and i need him to take him off my arms for at leat an hour a day. i also told him that one day my son won't want to go to him becuase i am the one with him all day and then he will wonder why his son doesn't like him. he has taking A more active role just a little though. i think that men seems to think that we can do it all and we primarily take over tyhe role of caring for the babies. i walk everyday and asked him repeatedly to walk with us and he never has pushed the stroller a day since he was born. i would try and talk to him and if he won't listen write him a letter explaining how important it is to you and it upsets you that he is missiing out on such a special time. hopefully some of this helps. let me know what happens or if u want to talk more my e-mail is ____@____.com does he spend adequate amount of time with his son. if so then thats a good thing if not then maybe that tells you something about him. i hope all worksd out for you.
good luck kelly

A... I went through this same thing my youngest is now 8 months and things have gotten better but when my son was born i was doing all the care i woke with him in the night changed his diapers fed him played with him i felt like a single mother again(we both have 2 other children from past relationships we have five all together) I often got upset and irritated with him and sometimes down right mean ill admit it. but after a while when the baby got bigger and started being interested in playing with toys or just cooing i noticed my husband getting more into it .. he has still only changed 1 diaper this whole 8 months but hell watch the baby and take care of him well i shower or what not and play with him frequently i have pinned it down to this ... You think you were scared when you found out you were having a baby and then when the baby was born still a little bit im sure well multiply that by 10 and you have a new father.. Don'y expect them to admit it but its true.. when they are just born and still very fragil fathers are very scared of holding and sometimes even touching or handeling them at all my husband wouldn't nap with the baby in bed with him for fear hed hurt him but now hell bring him in with him and cuddle right up and go to sleep some men take a while but youl find his comfort level with the baby will increase as the baby ages... just explain to him how you feel and give it time it often works out... Good luck and hang in there

My husband was involved with helping with my boys but absolutely refused when it came to our daughter. We had many arguments over this I thought he hated her because she was female. I finally decided to straight out ask him what was the issue he was getting the good old dont let the door hit you where the lord split you if he didn't give me a good reason. He finally admitted he was terrified because she was a girl and all the stuff you hear today and he didn't want to be acused of anything. He had taken her to a changing room once while i was at the doctors and a woman asked him what he was doing in there with the baby then proceeded to stand there and watch him change the diaper. scared him to death. Rather than argue with your fiance sit down and calmly ask him what is the problem you could be surprized as I was. My daughter is now 18 years old and daddy's little girl. And after our conversation we made a deal he wouldn't have to take her into public rest rooms but at home he was elbow deep in child care too.

Hi There!
I think that babies are scary. Most people (especailly men) are very unsure of what to do with a very young baby. My husband had a hard time getting comfortable with the idea of taking care of our son, but eventually he did. Now Daddy is my son's favorite paymate. As your daughter gets older she will be easier to handle and he will get more comfortable with her. I just think that it is hard for men to admit that they are uncomfortable in certain situations and he proabably will come around.
As far as what to do, I wish I had an easy answer. It is very frustrating when you feel like you are doing it all on your own. If your relationship is good otherwise, maybe just give him some time to get used to the idea. If not, you may want to talk to him CALMLY about how you feel......he may not know that his lack of interest really upsets you.

Hi A.... i guess my story is a little different. I had a c-section so my husband had to do everything b/c after the surgery it got infected too.... and my son is 6 1/2 months old now and my husband is very involved. If i worked late, he would wake up for feedings and change diapers. The only thing he hasnt done is a bath b/c he is nervous and b/c thats my time with him, i love it. I dont think that "scared" is an excuse. That baby is not only ur responsibility and i would put my foot down...he needs to step up and be a dad... diaper changes, etc is all part of being a dad right? And if he cant handle it, then i u have some thinking to do about your next step and how u want to handle it. Good luck hun!!

Hi A.,
My husband used to be similar...He would help with certain things but absolutely refused things like bathing. When I asked him why he would just say "I just dont want to". Great! alot of help that was. Sometime later (about a year) he told me that he was afraid if he helped me that I would expect it from him all the time and take advantage of it. Obviously that did not happen and with our second one he has helped out sooo much more. Also men tend to not to be interested in baby until they start to interact. That was totally evident with my hubby. When the girls turned about 6-8 months he became much more involved. Silly I know but sooo true. Hope this helps a little!

I am convinced men don't know what to do with babies. My husband is a great father but he won't change a diaper, give our daughter a bath, change her clothes or anything unless I tell him to. Even then, it doesn't happen very often. He does however do a lot with his 3 1/2 year old son. My brother tells us he is waiting until his son is old enough to really play with. (My nephew is 21 months) Men want to be able to talk to their children, play with them and interact with them. My husband told me when I was pregnant that is was hard for him because he didn't get to have the experiences I did. He never felt the baby kick or hiccup the way I did. He feels disconnected to her now because I am breastfeeding so he rarely gets to help and when he does give her a bottle she usually cries and puts up a fight. It is hard for men to bond the way women do. I am sure your fiance loves his daughter he really just doesn't know what to do right now. What is his relationship like with his other child? That will give you a good indication of things to come with your daughter. I know I didn't give you much advice but know that you are not alone. Most men are afraid of babies!

Hi! I think your fiance needs to step up and be responsible for the life that he helped create. My husband has been hands on with our son since the day he was born. Everything is 50/50. It is not fair that you have to do everything. Taken care of a baby alone is hard work and must be really stressful. If he isn't willing to help out maybe you need to reconsider if you want to marry him. Sorry to be so mean but I don't agree when a father doesn't help out. Good luck!