FB Relationship Status

wow. I would not have touched the Faceboook relationship status... at least not until some actual decision was made and all the important people (family/friends etc) were in the loop first...

OOPS.

Since when is Facebook the end all be all of life? I would have more worry with the fact that he wants to keep up public appearances vs actually WORK on his marriage. In addition if you already have doubts about this working out then it is not a true full on effort it is only a half assed one.

Well, you're still married right? Working on it or not, you're still legally married - so that's what it should say if you have it on there. If you don't want it on there, then delete the whole thing, but tell him in advance.

My FB is private and very few people have access to it. 4 moms on here are my friends on FB, but everyone else I know in person...I don't put drama on there. You should try the same. It keeps FB easy.

Of course you're playing games. Who cares what facebook says? But you cared enough to change it. Maybe to drive a point home to him, maybe just to create some drama.

And I haven't ever met you in person, but I don't think you're in this to try. I quote, "My initial reaction is “whatever” because I believe that in a month the effort will dwindle".

If you already have a deadline, and already believe it won't work - well if I were your husband that would be a pretty good shot in the gut. Maybe not fatal to the relationship, but pretty damaging while you say you're attempting a comeback.

All of your other questions have been about your marriage. He may be the worst husband on the planet - but I gotta throw a flag on you for the passive-aggressive FB silliness, and another flag for not being committed but saying you are.

Lip service doesn't work in a marriage. That is breaking the very trust that a marriage is built on.

If you want a divorce - cool. You want to try again - cool. But don't mislead your husband or yourself. It'll just make it more painful for everyone in the end.

What I'm seeing here is "I did something silly and immature and now I don't want to own up to the fact that it was silly and imature. Someone agree with me!"

Sorry, but I agree with him. No matter what's going on in your marriage, you're still married. It's not anyone else's business on FB.

You owe him an apology. What would you have thought if he'd taken his relationship status off FB? It's not "pacifying" him to admit you might be wrong here, because you are wrong. Put your status back where it belongs and quit playing mind games on FB.

Get back to counseling and be actively involved in it. If you really don't think that counseling is going to work, put your big girl bloomers on and tell him so you can both move on.

You are both taking Facebook way too seriously!!

Why would you make any changes to Facebook if you are working on your marriage? It is not like there are Facebook police that will come to your home and inform you that your status is not accurate. Heck I think my daughter was married to her cat at one point, no one knocked on our door.

So he sees you changed it, which does indicate that it is important to you because most people going through a potential separation, well Facebook status is about the last thing on your mind, and he reacts. He probably didn't even notice until someone asked him, is everything okay? It is those people that probably pointed out that it is the same as taking off your wedding ring.

So in my opinion you need to ask yourself why you changed the status. Your justification for it makes no sense.

My relationship with my husband is PRIVATE.

When you did that, you opened a door to lots of questions from people. Unwanted drama if you ask me.

I think what you did was unnecessary, and I understand why your husband is upset about it. If you want to talk to someone about it, than talk to someone. A close friend, relative, counselor.
No need to air it out on fb.

If you wanted to delete your status you could have deleted the post that it autmatically puts saying you are no longer in a relationahip...so people wouldn't have noticed and commented...ALSO I didn't delete my status of being married for months after it was over, because I didn't want to start drama and when I did I did the above. I think it was passive aggressive. If you are trying why does FB need to be updated at all? Unless you're looking for men? I don't get it

You just gave every person who can see your profile online, license to speculate about your marriage. Your PERSONAL life and relationship. Your for better or worse vows. You embarrassed him publicly. YOU created a spectacle of your marriage.

As far as your statement: "We are currently in counseling but it isn't helping the behaviors, you have to want to change. You know the phrase, I can teach you to fish....well you have to want to go fishing." Yes, it's true. YOU have to want to change. Do YOU want to change?? I ask, because petty and inappropriate stunts like the Facebook one you pulled, will NEVER help your marriage. Seems to me like you want your husband to change a lot, and I'm sure he needs it. What about YOU? You are exactly helping, either. It takes two to make a marriage work, and two to fail. Being the contentious women, will never allow your marriage to work...whether he's trying or not.

To me you are really not 100% into the "last ditch true effort"...if you were you would not be saying in a month things will "dwindle". Now I'm not bashing you or saying that your feelings are not real. What I am saying is if you really wanted to make this work you have to put forth 100% effort as well.

Changing your status told him you are not. And if it were me I would take that as the other person is done so I am doing/changing my behavior for no reason. So of course it's going to "dwindle"...he has no hope in his eyes that what he's doing is making a difference to you.

The phrase is true but if you don't want to be a caught fish anymore there is no use in going fishing either.

I can see his point. I think it was disrespectful of you to do that and remove it altogether. And I think it almost would have been better to change it to "its complicated"...because that's what it is right now. FB is a funny thing where it gives an insight to your life for everyone who is looking. And trust me, people will take note of every little thing. So thinking you are being "truthful" by posting you and the kids are at the park instead of my crappy husband didn't come home from work again...isn't fooling anyone. If you are truly done with your marriage, then take steps to end it instead of playing games to trail it along. I think your husband felt like he is trying and then you just slap him in the face by removing your marriage status. Its hard and a lot of us have been thru it. I think you need to either go full force to do everything to save your marriage...or start planing on divorcing. Good luck!!!

Facebook is not for everyone.

:(

I think maybe you got the reaction you were subconciously looking for. You aren't really up for trying and he picked up on that in your status change. I say this with love, If you're done, just say you're done. There's no reason to half-heartedly, half assed pretend to try. I'm sure you have your reasons for feeling this way, but this isn't the way to go about it.

I can tell you when my brother and his wife were going through something and he changed his status to 'it's complicated" it pissed me right off! I was mad that he put thier dirty laundry on display and embarassed my sil, along with worrying the family. I felt the only reason he would do that is to punish her and get a reaction. Well, he got one, from me! They're fine now, but I bet you he never does something so thoughtless and heartless again as to publicly embarass her.

C.,
I haven't read your other responses and please, I'm not trying to be rude, but this updating of your personal marital status on FB is silly and immature. Your marriage 'status' is private and why do you need to announce to the world ANYTHING in regards to your marriage at all? And why do you post on your husband's FB wall what you and the kids are up to? Is this really for public consumption? This sounds like teenage girlfriend/boyfriend behavior to me. And as you can see, your husband doesn't like it, either. This sounds like a silly game to me. Really not trying to be harsh here, but this is my honest opinion. Work on your relationship privately. You'll see better results.

He's right. Why change your status at all? You're still married, right? Leave it at that until that is officially no longer the case. Why reveal every feeling that you have on FB? Relationships--especially marriages--have cycles, waves. There is no need to alert everyone you know to the changing climates of your marriage. You should be protecting your marriage from the "outside forces".

I am not trying to poke at you, but changing your status seems a bit passive-aggressive to me. If you really don't care about FB and you do care about your husband why mess with this label in the first place? Why not just leave as-is?

Re: likening it to a wedding ring - um no. it is not. But honestly I forget to wear my rings a lot and my husband doesn't freak out.
I think he is just sensitive to the whole situation.

Marriage is give and take, so yes, I would "pacify" (or I like to say, listen and try to understand the other person's POV) my husband and do what he asks if he is really hurt by it. I do not know the intimate details of your relationship and "cycles" etc. but it seems like a really little thing that is being blown out of proportion. If you really don't care about connecting on FB, just delete the darn account and be finished with the whole mess:)

If you are TRULY giving this a 100%, all in, last ditch effort then you have to stop the "I don't believe it's going to happen." I know, easier said than done and given your previous posts, I HATE to agree with your DH on this one but he's right - you are either in or you're not. Delete your FB account entirely - it's not important to you and that will make it a non-issue. Or you can add back your relationship status if you want to maintain your page. Either way, give it your all or get out...it's not helpful or fair to any of you (kids included) to go at this half heartedly.

you should delete your FB account-because he has some odd perception that it is a weapon that can be used against him-he even equates it to removal of wedding rings?? In a relationship-I have found it best not to use character assassination-always been the brunt of it-and it's just so unfair.

You opened up your PRIVATE business with your husband to all of your friends and all of his friends. I think you should have deleted the Facebook before the comment about your relationship.

It seems you are already certain the relationship will fail and if you think that, it increases the odds that much more!

I think a relationship is a private thing between two people. It's not something to post about on facebook. I leave that part blank on facebook because I don't think it's anybody's business what I do with my personal life. My opinion is that you should delete any reference to your relationship leave it that way. It only drags others into your problems, and you don't need that. Stop letting others know about your marriage -- good or bad.

As long as you are still married, and you had your status as such before, then you should have your status posted as "married". That is just a status, you don't need to tell your problems or complications; but you are still married to that man. So, in my humble opinion; you should revise your status. That will also show your husband that you are trying and want to save your marriage.
Blessings

I'm not sure why you changed your relationship status? Was it a cry for help? It was a passive way to air your dirty laundry. I would not let this relationship play out through facebook. Everyone on FB doesn't need to know there are problems. If deleting FB will help--then do it! Best of Luck!

Who cares about FB? To me the real issue is your husband sounds like a jerk - you've tried for at least a year (your initial post was in March 2011) and nothing appears to be any different. So yes - you were passive aggressive (my hubby isn't really into fb i could have changed our status to divorced and he'd never know) but it sounds like you are done playing his games.

So be done.

Get your divorce already. You've wasted at least a year (i'm assuming quite a bit more) on fixing a relationship that your husband doesn't seem to care about and apparently you no longer care about either.

Perhaps the switch from married to "it's complicated" is your way of taking the first step towards "divorced". That's ok - we all do things our own way - and it's also ok to be done with a marriage when the time is right to be done.

Sounds like the time is right.

Good luck.

I think that by posting "it's complicated" as a relationship status you ARE telling people there are issues with the two of you.

His comment about you taking your status off facebook was a bit ridiculous.

Sounds like you guys need to stay off facebook because it certainly doesn't seem to be helping your marriage.

Sorry - but do people feel the need to even use FB for this reason? Does it add more depth and feeling to your relationships? Does everyone on your "friend" list need to know everything about you and your family? Perhaps use the time and energy you spend for FB relationships for your "real life" relationship.

Sorry - again, I just don't understand why people have "virtual" relationships when they "real" connections are what is important.

I agree with everyone else. You started it when you changed your FB status in the first place.

I notice when my friends relationship status's change. It shows up on my newsfeed.... what you did was noticed by others (as well as your husband) and if it was me I would have felt hurt by it.

I've had several friends who's status's changed from Married to Single without any "it's complicated" in the middle. I'd say - mark yourself married until there is a divorce.. unless you are fishing for one.

Hi, C.:

It seems like the communication, like you said is complicated.
What is happening is like you are playing a ping pong game.
He says something you respond, you say something he responds and both are getting nowhere.

1) Get in touch with how you are feeling.
2) Respond in the way you are feeling. (Get a feelings sheet and start pracicing.)
3) He said something about the wedding ring thing. Okay. Shift your role from wife to reporter: Ask him questions about what he thinks and what he feels, etc. Get him to talk. "Oh really, tell me about it." Control yourself from trying to control him.
4) If you want to get off FB, get off. You can always get back on later.
It is very difficult to start over, but you can if you know how you feel, say it.
All he wants is for you to say you love him.
Say it. See what he responds.
Good luck.
Hang in there,
It will be worth it in the long run.
D.

I can't say this any easier than you're acting immature. If you're truely giving your marriage a try you talk through it with your husband and don't talk about it with the world. If your husband had changed his status you would have felt bad likely too and possibly acted like he has too. He felt hurt causing him to act passive aggressive. Point is this whole situation was conducted wrongly likely because of both of you being so confused about where you stand with each other. Admit it to each other and work from it.
... my husband and I have arguments sometimes ourselves where we act immature (sure many responders will nod in agreement), but it's between us as it's our marriage vs. our marriage with the world.

What does it really mean to you. You are married whether you stay that way or not. If you have any respect for him at all I would just put it back as married until you are divorced. It is advertising there are problems in the marriage if you use any others at all.

i can understand why hes upset that u took the relationship status off your facebook.. it probably makes him feel like u know theres no hope left so why bother having it up there.. plus he has to deal with questions from people asking him why u did that... but seriously its freaking facebook.. i think him saying taking off your status on facebook is like taking off your ring is rediculous its a bit much.. is facebook really that important to him.. what is he 16?

yeah, you should probably delete your FB.
he's being a bit emo- FB status has the same heft as wedding rings? REALLY?
on the other hand, you don't sound at all as if you're really making a committed last ditch true effort.
sounds like there are enough real issues here to make sniping over FB something y'all just don't need to do.
i'm sorry you're dealing with such a hard phase of life. good luck in whatever decision you make and wherever it takes you.
khairete
S.

He's getting this worked up over you removing your relationship status from Facebook? Simply removing it off of your public profile doesn't show up on your timeline or news feed, so who are all these people commenting about it? If you want to delete your Facebook account because you don't want to bother with it, then go ahead. But I wouldn't do it just to pacify him. There are much bigger issues at play. I really think you guys need to get into counseling if you aren't already. Good luck.