Feeing like Being a Stay at Home Mom Is Unfair

There are days where I feel the same way! Yesterday being one of them. I am a SAHM of 3 kids (twins aged 3.5, and a 2 year old). I had cleaned the (swept, mopped, etc.), planted tomatoes, played with the kids, and the first thing out of his mouth was how tired he was and how much pain he was in. It pissed me off to no end! Now in his defense he is a great Dad as long as he isn't with the kids 24/7. Now when he is home he takes care of all the potty needs. The twins are potty trained and the 2 year old is working really hard at it, so we have potties scattered around. He also does the dishes after dinner, and helps with folding laundry if I haven't completed that chore. I guess it really jsut comes down to talking about how you are feeling and see what things he is willing to help you with. Also arrange to have half a day child free on the weekend. So that way you get some YOU time. I know this is rambling but I hope it helps. Just know you are not alone!

S.

You know when my daugther was really young i was happy to go back part time but now I wish I could have stayed a sahm. I miss so much of things inher life because i have to work

Well, I have been a SAHM for 11 years now.
I am a mother of 4 and my oldest is 11 years old. I completely understand how you feel.

I have my good days and my bad days.
My husband has an awsome job. It is one of those type of jobs that every little boy would love to have when he grows up. It is the type of job that you do and think " Oh my goodness, I can't believe that I get paid to do this everyday!)

And then here I am at home working my butt off and having the kids act up and go crazy. One minute I am breastfeeding and the next I am cleaning someones butt. I also homeschool 3 of my kids. Yea, talk about STRESS.

The house is a mess and I feel like a mess and all I really want is to use the bathroom ALONE and to take a shower and to take a LONG and restful nap.

All I hear all day long is MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY!!!!!

Right now I have a killer headache. I will take some Tylenol for that. = )

With all this said and done, I am the one who gets to see it all.
I am the one would gets to see their face when they try food for the first time.
I am the one that gets to hear the first words.
I am the one that gets to see the first steps.
I am the one that helps them feel better when they don't feel good.
I am the one that they want to come to when they need help.

I am the one who signed up for this job when I decieded to get married and have children.

I know that you are getting tired and that it feels like your husband has it better than you do because all he has to do is to go to work and come home and do nothing BUT remember he does have alot on his shoulders and he might not be talking about how much stress that is for him and he might just be keeping that to himself.

When you are feeling down, just sit down at the table with you kids with some ice cream talk. It will make you feel better and it will help you remember why you are doing this.

Try to remember that there are mama's out there that have lost their little one to death and that they no longer have them around to love.
Try to remember that there are mama's out there that have to work and that they can not stay at home with their little ones.
Try to remember that there are mama's in the military that have to be away from their little ones.

So when you are having a bad day, have your kids give you a group hug.

Stay strong and know that you can do this. Your little ones need you and they love you and that is priceless compared to any pay check.

God bless and take care.

From: One mama to another.

WOW 8kidsdad WHATEVER! you obviously don't know squat about being a SAHM, you think you "get it" because you stayed home for 11 days??? OMG what a loser. Your wife must be nuts for birthing 8 of your spawns.

I agree with you, it's the most , underpaid, ungrateful job I've ever had. I'm specially bitter today because hubby decided to make cupcakes with the kids, what great idea right??? well the kitchen looks like there was a food war in there, sugar, dirty pans, bowls EVERYTHING just left there for the maid , ME!, to clean. It is like this every freaking day of my life. It's either clothes on the floor, rides to school, lessons, laundry, vacuming.
I do ask for help a lot, but it's just never enough. I feel like a maid, I don't feel special and going back to work would not cut it because we have two kids and one on the way, there's no way we can pay for childcare for 3...
I soooo feel your pain, this so called "family life" it's not at all like I expected it to be...I love my children and husband and would give my life for them but as a person I don't feel fulfilled at all.

I personally think that it should be 8-5 dad work, mom take care of house/kids etc, then at 5pm, its everyone on duty.

When you are home you are part of a family and just because you had the pleasure of leaving the house to go to work doesn't mean that you get to check out of being part of a family. Kids go to school outside the home, so does that mean they don't have to pitch in when they get home?

I have friends that live with husbands like this and I just don't get how they handle it everyday. I also have SAHM's with hubbyies that work and help take care of the kids at home. so yes in your case I think that being a stay at home mom in your case is unfair and you should talk to your husband and get some counseling...

hmm. i work 45+ hours per week, (speaking of "fair" - i work my butt off to make sure my team is treated fairly by the company, other departments, and each other), shuttle to and from school, take care of all the school stuff, soccer classes, fix all the meals, clean the house, and take care of our son. 99.9% of the time. without help. my husband comes home and doesn't do jack squat. (partially my fault, i admit) but i don't think it's fair either. no one asked me, back when all those bras were burning, "wouldn't you like to do everything you already do, PLUS work full time!?!?" lol.

i am not throwing a pity party or trying to outdo anyone...just letting you know...you're not alone, and it's not a sahm thing.

This sounds like a marital issue more than a SAHM one. We both work full time outside of the house & have divided the household chores b/w us. You may want to talk to your husband about this one.

Write up a"job description" for yourself as a SAHM (including your work hours) & talk with your husband about the "other" items. Those items should be shared!

.

See, this is where experience was the best teacher for me.

I had my kids after all my friends did. And, although the majority of my friends also work full-time they do the lion's share of taking care of the house and the kids - so imagine having a job AND cleaning the house AND shuttling the kids everywhere AND managing the household AND on and on and on...

I got to listen to them complain about all the work that they did, and I tucked it away in my head for when I had my kids. From the get go, it's been 50/50 in my house. I even have my husband convinced that it is not possible for one person to bathe the child by himself or herself! We take turns putting the kids to bed and getting them up on the weekends (so we each got a morning to sleep in).

My point being is that it seems like you need to retrain your husband to let him know that he needs to help you out a little more. Obviously since you are home during the day and have more time to do more things then maybe 50/50 isn't the best arrangement but he cannot be getting off doing 0% of the work.

You are soooo not alone. As far as the dad below, whatever. How have 7 moms agreed with him?! I have worked as the sole bread winner (12 hr shifts at a pediatric ER full time) and been a stay at home mom. I can't wait to go back to work, my brain is mush! Try years on end there, dad. 2 weeks? You haven't even gotten a taste. Besides, why do you think it was easy? Mom made it that way by busting her butt to get the household running the way it does. Glad it was the easiest job in the world to you, but see how your brain feels after just a ONE solid year of it. Ech. Care and Proper Feeding of Husbands panders to men. Shocking he's so helpfully suggesting it to you here. Don't feel bad, share some of the housework and talk to DH. Goodluck!

Well I'm so pleased that 8kidsdad thinks SAHMing is so easy. I think it's bloody hard work. I also am having to deal with 300 people in my company, government, business, client and public stakeholders. I am responsible for and to all these people to ensure this organisation thrives so that they can pay their mortgages, feed their children and pay their health care. The whole buck stops with me, and I feel the responsibility. I still think SAHMing is harder. It is 24/7 and you are entitled for your husband to do his fair share. I'm very pleased that my husband, who also works extremely hard in his business, knows just how draining SAHMing is, and does his share at home. Your feelings are valid, and maybe when your husband is in a receptive mood you could have a gentle talk with him. Perhaps just choose a couple of things for him to do at first, and then work on it from there. Best of luck!

My husband does absolutely NOTHING - on his own. However, if I ask him, he'll do whatever I ask. But I HAVE to ask. Part of my job as a SAHM is making sure we're all fed dinner. Sometimes that involves cooking an elaborate meal and sometimes it involves calling my husband to pick up take-out on the way home. But as long as we are all fed dinner, I have done my "job". As long as the kids are in bed at a proper hour and have taken their showers, etc , I've done my "job". Most of the time, I manage this myself. Sometimes, I tell my husband "could you please remind them to shower, and then make sure they're in bed by their bedtime? Thanks, honey." Have I done my job? You bet I have - I made sure it happened. Most of the time, I take care of the home, but sometimes I say "honey, could you unload the dishwasher please?" And he does. Managing a household is much like managing a company - you need to learn to delegate.

Your kids are very young. I had a 5yr old special needs child, an almost 2yr old, and an infant, and a husband who worked long hours. For a few years, life was ROUGH. It really kinda sucked, actually. Now they're 13, 10 and 8, all in school, mostly self-sufficient and my life is MUCH easier. Now it's my husband who says "it's not fair!" when I head out to get my nails done or meet a friend for lunch. But I figure I paid my dues when the kids were young - MAN, was it difficult! Hang in there, it'll get easier, and in the meantime, delegate those tasks. No reason your husband can't give the baby a bath or feed the toddler or unload the dishwasher while you get the 5yr old to bed. Delegate, delegate, delegate.

The way you are living is unfair. There is a lot of research out there (google it) that Dads that are more involved in their children's day to day lives and running their own homes are healthier and happier. And of course a very involved Dad is best for the kids. Let your husband complain when you go out in the evenings, let him complain when you ask him to pick up some groceries on the way home, but know you are doing the right thing for him, for your kids, and for your marriage. Also be understanding that he will do things differently than you and you need to be accepting of that. Print out some articles for your husband to read about involved fathers being happier and healthier and start leaving him with two or three kids. IF he ever realizes all you do he will be more willing to pitch in but your telling him will not work , he has to experience it

Of course our jobs are 24-7 and it is a job that is long, hard, but rewarding. If it was easy more would do it. We are always on call for every little issue from bills, cleaning to running the kids around. Mothers are like super heros and when things go down kids and husbands know that we will fix the issue. Our rewards come from hugs, kisses, getting to hear baby's first words, first steps etc. My husband and me have this understanding, every day he is allowed to come home and unwind for 10 to 30 minutes then he kicks it into gear helping out where needed, whether its playing with the kids for a few minutes so I can setup dinner on the table, taking out the trash, or doing a manly fix it chore (i.e. the toilet's been running all day). This keeps me sane. My husband also takes the kids out for an hour to play; to give me some alone time. So...When you feel the need just take a moment to breathe and do some yoga; then workout a plan with your husband that works for you both. Just remember, you are doing a great job!

I don't feel that way. BUT my hubby and I have always had an understanding that he doesn't just get to come home from work and sit on the couch.

When he gets home, he has a half hour to decompress from work. He does this by hugging the kids, getting a shower, and putting on more comfortable clothes. By the time he's dressed and downstairs, he's ready to be a husband and a father, not just a bachelor that happens to live with some people.

He does something with the kids while I cook, or I do something with them if he's cooking that night. After dinner, however didn't cook does the dishes, with the help of the children.

With six kids there is a LOT of laundry, so I sort and stain treat, and my 14 y/o and almost 12 y/o do the actual washing. We all go outside to hang it (no dryer). They kid all pitch in to fold (even the 4 y/o; she does socks and underwear). Hubby puts his away and helps the younger ones put theirs away, the olders put away theirs and I put mine away. If any ironing needs done, hubby does it.

I clean the bathroom and he washes the cars. I vacuum and the 7 y/o dusts. Everyone cares for the animals. I "tidy" the house (with the kids). Hubby mops.

My point is, your husband needs to understand that he doesn't get to come home and be done with work for the day. He needs to help out around the house, or you're going to be increasingly unhappy and that will have ill effects on your marriage. As my hubby is fond of saying "the less work and more rested my wife is, the happier I am; both in the bedroom and out".

Work out an arrangement on a trial basis (one month?) with your husband. He can come home from work at 5pm and have half hour to decompress (this is IMPORTANT if you want him to be charged and ready to help!). Work out a "who does what" list. At the end of one month, reassess.

Sometimes I'll be in a hurry and will be backed up on laundry and I'll just do it myself. Sometimes I'll look at the floor and think "this needs mopped" and do it. Sometimes hubby will vacuum, or dust, or do whatever. We are life PARTNERS. And so we help each other out.

Good luck, and I hope you end up with an arrangement that works for you BOTH. :)

ADDED:
Also, get your 5 y/o involved in helping around the house. At 5, they're old enough to help fold laundry, clear their plates, set the table, dust, etc. At 5, they also think it's cool to help around thehouse. :)

So many good ideas here and real life examples.
Bravo to all of you.

That said, I am a SAHM just like you. Have been for 8 years.
Not easy.
I love being with my kids.
My Husband often forgets, that we BOTH decided, jointly, that I would be a SAHM.
He works and goes to school. Its a tight budget and a tight rope to walk on.
But we do it.
When the kids are fully both in school, I will eventually have to, go back to work. Unless I find something do to from home, that is financially viable.

I do EVERYTHING in our home and for the kids. My Mom also lives with us, and I do things for her too. She works. Too. Like my Husband. I do all the chores for my Husband/Mom/our kids. My things...are often not tended to, by myself or anyone else.

I, am not "fed" per the "Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" book. They NEED one, for Wives, too.

My Husband is helpful, then sometimes not at all. Pleasant attitude, then sometimes not at all and he thinks I do NOTHING all day. Grrrrr....
Life. Husbands. They don't know what the heck the Wife does as a Mom and Wife.
But she caters to everyone.... their needs and wants, 24/7. Then who cares, for her???? Or tends to her and her needs and wants???
The ongoing conundrum.

But no, I am not resentful. I am proud, of what I do and of being a SAHM. I only get irked, when my Husband tosses me a rude selfish comment. Like being a SAHM is so easy. Then that is an issue between him and me. Not it being about my quality as a Mom.
It is ATTITUDINAL. I will get irked, with the Attitude, from my Husband. NOT about being a SAHM.

Nothing is completely fair. And it depends on the spouses. And their issues, too.

If your Husband does NOTHING at home or with the kids or for you or them, once he does come home and during the weekends and during his days off and during his vacation time and during his holidays- then THAT is something you BOTH need to discuss.

Then, what is HIS idea, of what a SAHM is???? Each Husband, has their own take on it.
SO what is your Husband's attitude about it????
Discuss that.
Maybe he thinks like a old fashioned man, or he is a modern man who believes in helping his wife at home and with the kids? What Is your Husband like???
Talk about it.
talk about it.
Talk about it.
If not, nothing will get, solved.

My Husband, comes home from work. I am busy with the kids, cooking dinner, watching the timer on the oven, making them snacks, the kids are calling me, I am washing dishes, getting the mail, organizing the bills, tying up the garbage in the kitchen. ALL AT ONE TIME. Then my Husband saunters in, wonders why I am so busy and doing 'nothing.' And wonders, out loud, why I am scurrying around all over the house and so "busy.' Meanwhile, he is sitting there, watching TV and unwinding & doing nothing, and he tells me "can you get me some water?" and then wonders why... I don't just sit down too and veg watching TV and am not all relaxed when he comes home from work with a big grin on my face and made up in an evening gown.
Oy.
So then, I literally have to TELL him 'Dear, can you HELP ME? The kids need to find something, they want to play, but I can't because I am cooking and chopping up vegetables and watching the timer on the oven, and watching the stove top to make sure the onions and mushrooms don't burn! ALL at the SAME time."
Duh.
Then IF I tell him LITERALLY, that I need help, then he helps.
If not, NOTHING is going on, between his 2 ears... and his brain is off.
Duh.

Men... need to be told and explained to. Literally.
Calmly if you can muster it.
They live in the house, are a part of the family, it is their kids too, and your are his Wife... and they need to tend to all of that. TOO.
Unless he is a renter or squatter.
Or he is a Dad AND a Husband.
So be one.

Rambling here.
But the bottom line is: talk to your Husband. And explain. Calmly.
But do not get resentful.

The thing is: you either suffer in silence and get all resentful. Or you and Husband sit down, and talk about it.
ALL Moms, deserve time off too, and help when Husband is home, and you need to tell him, you need your "me" time too.

My husband and I were up all night due to a high blood sugar emergency with our 4 year old daughter, he went to work, and now he is tidying up our house while I take a few minutes for mamapedia. I didn't need to ask him to do ANY of it. I am not bragging, just telling you that it IS reasonable for you to ask your husband to share the load.
Tell him how you feel pulled in every direction and let him know where you would like him to take up the slack.

Edited to add: 8kidsdad, thank God my husband doesn't act like you! My husband never acts like my job is inferior, or that taking care of kids is a cake walk compared to a "man's work". My husband also doesn't toot his own horn and congratulate himself on being a parent and carrying his weight around the house. I am not impressed at all by your lengthy post that demeans the role of a SAHM.
Real men don't need their wife to put her tongue in their mouths just to get them to do a simple task.

I have also been a stay at home mom for 2 years. I don't feel it's unfair, but my husband helps...a lot! He gets home at 5:30 and watches my son so I can have some time to myself, make dinner, and just relax. He also cleans in the mornings, because he gets up early for work. If my son has something going on, we both go. We are going to homeschool, but my husband is going to take on the science and math subjects. (Not my strong point.) There are many more examples of how he helps, but I don't think I need to keep listing them.

My point...if my husband never helped (like your husband)...it would feel very unfair. Marriages and parenting should be a partnership. Each half giving as much as they can. It sounds like your husband is short-changing you...and believes that having a job is all he needs to do. You NEED to talk to him about your feelings, and he NEEDS to start helping. You don't have to mentally get past it, he needs to step up and start contributing.

He should be helping at LEAST 40/60 with household cleaning, chores and child care-giving. There is NO REASON why he cannot help when he gets home - you BOTH have jobs all day, but seems only you continue to be burning the midnight oil with your additional jobs.

***ADDED***
If husband states he doesn't feel he needs to help - then you hire yourself a weekly maid to clean all the big things while you simply maintain, and a Mother's Helper/Part time Nanny with the children so you can go out and have some adult time.

Just because your husband is the one getting paid, that doesn't mean he shouldn't help out at home some. My husband complained once that I hadn't done "anything" all day... and to be honest, I could see where he was coming from... our bed was left unmade, dishes didn't get finished... I was still in my pajamas....

I told him that I felt awful that I didn't do much all day, but I didn't do "nothing"- I explained to him that I didn't get to the beds because I was busy shampooing the carpet when my daughter stripped off a poopy diaper... and that I wasn't doing dishes when I was helping direct the 14th "toy pick up" of the day...

I asked him jokingly if he had to wipe up anyone's poop at work that day... or if when he stocked shelves anyone came and tore them all down within a few minutes so he could do it all over again?

Of course he said "no" and he apologized, saying he didn't really think about it that way. Being a SAHM is a joy, but it is one heck of a full time job! Since our conversation my husband has been so helpful, so I cannot complain! Sometimes it takes a different perspective for them to "get it"

-But I doubt if you go to work it will feel more fair, at least statistically working moms still do about 80% of the household upkeep and childcare anyways. Unless you want to work (which is ok)- I would stay at home and try to rally some more help from him!

Good Luck!
-M.

You have every right to feel that way, because you and your husband aren't dividing the responsibilities of childcare like you should be. It isn't fair for him to get a break every evening and every weekend while you work 24 hours a day. Just because you don't have a paycheck for what you do doesn't mean his work is more important than yours. In fact, his work is easier than yours! I have done both; I have worked full-time while my husband stayed at home with the kids, and I have stayed home with the kids while my husband worked. For me, working was easier than being a stay-at-home mom because I get a break from the kids all day! Kids are wonderful but exhausting, and you need a break from your work just as much as your husband needs one.

Have a serious talk with your husband about splitting the home and childcare duties so that you get a break as well. Remind him that if he doesn't help you, then you will have a nervous breakdown from exhaustion, have to be committed to a mental institution, and then he would be responsible for everything! :-) Seriously, though, you will be much happier once you've delegated more of the home and childcare to him so that it is even. Good luck!

It IS unfair! Your DH should be doing much much more to help if he does nothing after 5. You guys need to sit down and divide some of the duties.

It sounds like you would probably STILL be doing all of that at your house even IF you worked-could you imagine how busy you would be then? Because of this I would not think about going back to work in your case-unless you really want TWO full time jobs. Or if you think you could get your husband to take on an equal share of the housework-which never seems to be the case for working moms.

I think you should talk to your husband. I am a stay at home mom as well. My husband is a paramedic and works four 12hr shifts each week. On his days off he helps me do the dishes, laundry, and clean the kitchen and living rooms. I take care of our bedroom, the kids bedrooms, and the 3 bathrooms, the toy room, and do the vacuuming...as well as keeping the laundry caught up (laundry is a joint effort with 5 people!). My husband used to use the "It's my day off" excuse, but when we had a heart-to-heart a few years ago something just clicked and he started helping. There are times where he gets sidetracked or we go, go, go and aren't home on his days off, but I don't mind. Good luck! Just be honest with him. :)

I'm sorry to hear your having a hard time......I work full time (40 hours) and commute (10 hours) and also do everything you mentioned above plus more. Why I am saying this is because outside of my full time job, the responsibility is overwhelming....so much to do and stay on top of...all while parenting your children. I would suggest the same as other folks on here and speak to your husband to make him aware of how you feel...get on the same page. Just know there are other moms out there (ME) that would love to be a SAHM but can't due to financial reasons. So please hang in there....it's not easy having my kids are in daycare all day (7-6) everyday Monday -Friday...breaks my heart :(

If my life was like yours then heck yes I would feel it unfair!!

First of all you are probably exhausted and hormonal with a 7 week old...and a 2 & 5year old...you need extra help just for that scenario.

But that being said..you can't look at life through the eyes of "fairness" when being a SAHM. You have different "jobs". I believe if you were working then you would be able to justify splitting household&family duties down the middle. But...I don't think you want to go that route in the name of "fairness" . Sooooo, you both have to come to an agreement of how to divide some of those things for when he gets home and on weekends.

What you really need to do is talk to him about is having him involved,engaged and helping once he gets home. I understand my husband works hard and has other stresses I don't have to deal with. But once he enters the door it is all hands on deck. He may have clocked out at work but once he enters our door he is clocking in.

My hubby has always been hands on. He looks for ways to help me out. If it happens to be something that really doesn't need to get done right away I will ask him to do what IS needed at hand. Many times men need to be told specifically what help they can give. They are not mind readers...nor do they always see the obvious. Also, sometimes hubbies are pushed to the curb when they do try to do something but not up to the standards of wifey.

If I feel overwhelmed then I ask him to pitch in more. Or I tell him ahead of time about some plans I have to go out with girlfriends to recharge my battery. He is sooo good about encouraging me to have alone time..and dates with him.

I don't think you are looking to go get a job...you think you are stressed now. Sounds like that is just your way to teach him a lesson. Instead, make a calendar and divide up some of the responsibilities. Schedule an evening or two that you will go out for some quiet time...take baby if needed if you are nursing. Talk to him about the fact that being a SAHM does not mean you are on the clock 24/7 if he is around. Don't keep enabling him do be this kind of hubby and Dad.

Best of luck to you!

Have you told your husband exactly what you've told us?

Not "Gee I'd like it if you'd do the dishes tonight." Not "Could you pay this one bill."

Instead: "I take care of the kids, I am 100% in charge of cleaning, I am responsible for organizing and paying the bills, I do the grocery shopping, I do all the school stuff, etc." What you said here. But with recognition that his income does allow your family to have you at home, and with love and respect that he's working for all of you. And you can fairly add: "You are missing out on your children's lives." Then bring out a calendar with the school events; the doctor's appointments; the due dates of bills. Bring out a bill holder box and the checkbook. Sit down and figure out what he is going to take off your hands.

If he's coming home at 5 and expects food on the table, the kids clean and happy, and the remote ready for him -- Well, it's his night to cook while you go with the oldest to a school event. Tomorrow is his night to do the 2-and 5-year-old baths while you get baby to bed. The next night is his turn to put the infant to bed. You'll be bathing the other kids. And he can do a grocery run on Saturday with the 5-year-old along. I would bet the kid would adore that -- dad time and the fun of the supermarket. It will be a treat for your child, truly, and if dad gets on board, it can be a treat for him too. Get the idea?

And if he says, as some husbands do, "I work all day, I'm tired, I deserve my down time," you can smile and say lovingly, "Absolutely. We both do. We'll have down time together once the kids are in bed." This is not about tit-for-tat, your chore, my chore scorekeeping; it is not really about the fairness you mention; it is about him spending time with and being responsible for his children. After all, he's the dad of three kids, five and under; he chose to have them too; he has to wake up to that. He'll know them better and they'll see him as more fun and more a part of their lives.

I actually felt the same way, so I talked to my husband about it. I said this isn't my house, it's our house. These aren't my kids, these are our kids. Yes, the responsibility of taking care of the kids and taking care of the house is going to fall on my shoulders for at least 50 hours a week, but when he is not at work we need to share the responsibility

I don't believe it has to be this way. It's important for him to contribute at home and to spend time with his children. You need some time to yourself. I encourage you to talk to your husband about this. Maybe he can cook dinner once a week or do something with the kids on Saturdays. He can be responsible for cleaning the bathrooms each week or doing a few loads of laundry.

Talk to him about what he can do. Part of being married is learning how to work together as a team. If you feel like you are doing more than him, then he is not being a team player and pulling his weight. He probably doesn't realize you feel this way. Talk to him!

He shouldn't be done when he gets home. My life is like yours, 3 under 5, I do everything, BUT, my husband is gone 8 -10 months per year. When he's HOME, he pitches in on everything.

My friends who are SAHM moms in great marriages have husbands who pitch in as well. You need to have a meeting in which you state that BOTH of you work from 8am-5am. He at his job, and you with the kids. Your hours are not less difficult just because you don't receive a paycheck for them. From 6pm through bed time and his days off, you need to split stuff. Period. If he refuses, you need to act accordingly.

Make a list of some tasks he must do in his spare time, and make a schedule. If you trust him to do the bills, make those his job plus yard work, baths whatever. He shouldn't be scott free when he gets off work.

Be specific with the list!!!! Men LIKE it. They cant' just "think of what they should be doing".

My parents were very old fashioned. My mom was an SAHM for a while then worked full time too. My dad ALWAYS worked full time. I always remember my dad sitting in the study doing bills, working in the yard, taking care of big chores when he wasn't at work, doing home repairs, doing laundry. I never watched my mom do all the work while my dad sat around in front of the tube with his hand in his pants or an a video game stick THANK GOD. He EARNED his feet up with the paper at night for a bit after helping with the dishes AFTER a long day at work, always THANKFUL for my mom's dinner. I don't let my husband slack either. The kids need to see dads work too.

You aren't alone! I feel the EXACT same way, and my husband did the exact same thing for the first 2 years of our daughter's life. Once I got pregnant the second time I left him no other choice - he HAD to step up. It's his kid too!! And it was HIS idea to have kids in the first place! You'll have to MAKE him do his part! I agreed that my job was everything house and kid related when he was at work. But the second he stepped thru the door until he left to go to work again - EVERYTHING was 50/50. You're right. It's NOT fair. Don't let him make you feel bad, or get mad at you when you make him do things. If he wants to huff and puff about it like a little kid - just let him. The whole "But I have a job!" defense is a complete cop-out.

Personally, I work, I own an insurance agency. But I still think men should help out with the kids and house if their wives are SAHM's. This has been the case for 2 years and you are just now getting tired of it or has it been like this the whole time? I would just tell your husband how you feel, ask him to do a few things (but be specific like laundry, take out trash and whatever is fair) and see if he will do it. For example, my husband washes and dries all the laundry, the kids put away theirs and him and I both put ours away. I load the dishwasher and he unloads it. He sweeps all the floors and I mop. The rest of the stuff we both just kind of do what needs to be done, him more than me. So just simply ask him to take off some of the load and you may be surprised. If he doesn't, its going to be a tough road because you will start to feel resentment and that isn't healthy for you or your relationship. Good luck.

I am a full time working mother of 6 kids and have all of these responsibilities as well. Dont feel that because you are a stay at home mom you are getting more of a burden than you would if you worked. Ha! You will still have all those tasks to deal with, but you will have to scrunch them into the parameters of time around your work schedule! Appreciate that you CAN be a stay at home mom - because truly that is best for your children.
Unfortunately, the idea of FAIR can be hard to come by in a family setting. Perhaps it is that many men feel that the women should be taking care of those tasks, not them. My husband SAYS he wants to help and often will pitch in with different stuff. And our kids are teens now, not babies, just different challenges! But it is on my platter to make sure it all happens.
My advice is that you really need to make a time to talk with your spouse about this way you are feeling. It may be that he has no clue you are feeling overwhelmed. Come prepared. I have to write things out beforehand and have my bullet points on things that must be said. Otherwise, the conversation can get off track and I find it can be hard to recall my next point unless I have it written down.
Dont dump this on him. Make a plan. Arrange for daycare or whatever. Remove yourselves from the house if possible, or get to a quiet place with no distractions. Let him know you need to talk about some things and that you need his help to make a game plan for success. Dont make him feel attacked or defensive. You need him and you need him to HELP! If you dont say something, he will assume all is well. Why shouldnt he sit in front of the tv when he is relaxing at the end of his day? He works and you seem to have it all under control. (that may be his thinking)
The longer you let this go on, the more complacent he will be that you are ok with all you do. and he really, likely has no idea of what ALL you do! Make a list of that as well! It would be a reality check for him to see it on paper. Dont scrimp, list the little stuff as well as the big. If you know how much time something takes you, list that as well.
Start small if you must. Maybe pre determine what three tasks he could take on that would make you feel like you have assistance? Or one, or five, whatever works. Give it a few months to become routine and then perhaps there will be a little more he can take on.
I dont know about mentally getting over it, you need to take action and make some positive changes in the routines of your household. Good luck!

I always thought that being a SAHM sucks! I work full time and my life is so much easier than it was when I stayed home with my kids. So I totally understand how you are feeling. The truth is, though, that is your life unless you want to go back to work. Being a SAHM is a 24/7 job! I think it's important that you give yourself some you time, though. Take a hot bath, go to the gym, go for a walk- when your husband comes home there is NO reason whatsoever that he can't help you out. He decided to have kids too. If he's not helping, he's in the wrong.

Good luck and know you're not alone!

I deal with this by taking an afternoon off from everything but the kids. Get out, play, and really enjoy your kids. Put your 5 and 2 y/o in the wading pool, and pull up a chair and put your feet up. While the 7 week old naps. Being a SAHM is the best gig around. I feel lke everything I do is a drag sometimes too, but then I remind myself who I am doing it for. I am thankful I do not have to work outside the home. Working mom's do alot of what we do anyway and they have to work. I am so glad I can be involved in the "school stuff" and so glad that when they have playdates I can have them at my house where I get to supervise. I am so glad I have the time to shop for and cook nutritutious meals for my family. Eh you get the picture. Relax a little and only focus on the most necessarry things. My guess would be you will feel a little less overwhelmed once your youngest is no longer a newborn. Sleep deprivation definately makes everything harder :)

You are soooo not alone! Talk to your husband about how you feel. Guys are guys and alot just don't think to just jump right in and help. If you need help, the best way to get it is to ask. Men need help with things like this. He can't read your mind so you'll just have to tell him. I know it's unfair for I have felt the same way. It gets better, but, on days where I'm just drained, I feel exactly like you do. Good Luck and remember communication is the key!

What GirlUndone said. They're your husband's kids too, you didn't make them all by yourself in a vacuum. When I was a SAHM it was while my husband was at work/school; when he was home we shared household responsibilities evenly. Also, my job was the baby, not the entire house! Stuff like cleaning was not part of the SAHM job description, and we kept the housework split more or less evenly, just like before the baby. I would expect it no other way.

Now our son's in daycare and we both work full time, and split house and childcare when the work day is over. My husband also goes to school part time, which means extra childcare for me, but that's something we discussed up front and I agreed to it, because school will be really good for his career and his happiness. When he's done, I will probably step up my business and spend more time working, or take some classes myself.

The key is it's all even, and we talk about that sort of stuff all the time, so we always know where we stand. If you're not happy with the arrangement, you definitely need to bring it up with him. Think about it this way - if you're unhappy all day, that absolutely rubs off on the kids.

I've only been a mother for three years (not including pregnancy). During this time, I have been the main breadwinner, the stay at home parent, and a work at home parent. For me, being a stay at home parent has been the most challenging. It's also been the most rewarding. ((working from home was the hardest and least rewarding. I was not able to work OR parent with 100%. For me, it was too little butter on too much bread.))

For the first year, I was ALWAYS the default parent. Let's say I had already put in a full eight hours of work, and my husband the same. He'd get home and expect to rest. If I asked him to contribute to OUR life, I'd have to ask him to help ME. Now, the way I look at it, is that each of our days is equal. If he goes to work (hard labor) for eight hours and comes home pooped, I do give him a chance to rest his turned-to-rubber-muscles. Then, we finish the day TOGETHER. Dinner, kids, clean up, bed time routine are split up. And I get breaks too. Not because he's helping me, or because I deserve it, but because my time and work are as valuable as his. They are equal roles, and equal efforts.

I've got to say, a LOT changed after he experienced what it was like to be a stay at home parent (5 months-ish). He finally understood the day in, day out, stress of being at home. It's not that one (or even six) days of being at home are stressful or challenging...It's the sum of months of spilled milk and tantrums. It's months of being thirsty for adult conversation and/or societal appreciation/validation for what we do.

It IS challenging to be at home with the kids. ESPECIALLY when I am isolated. That's an element that I wiggled and feel much better after. Now, I get together with friends a LOT. I do many, many child care trades with my mama friends. I drink a TON of coffee with girlfriends. I make phone calls every day, and sit and chat. Some days, I do the bare minimum so that I get a "break". Those things make my life so much lovelier. I have more to offer my children (and home front) when I am rejuvenated and fed by all the other facets of my personality and passions.

My husband just got back from a 6 month deployment and I TOTALLY know what' you're talking about.
But you have to say something to him, they're his kids/home too.
I do have a great husband and I know all aren't like him, but he knows how hard I work and knows parenting is part his responsibility too.
I broke my ankle a month ago and haven't been able to do anything, and this past week is his first week home and when he's not at work, everything is his responsibility and I think he appreciates me more :) If push comes to shove, break your ankle! ;)

there is nothing fair about being a wife or a mom let alone both.
fair doesnt exist in a marriage or family.
there is no way you can treat everyone exactly the same and make everyone happy at the same time.
working is easier than being a sahm.
school is easier than being a sahm
i know this because ive done all three.
my all time favorite is being part time student/working and part time sahm.

it sound slike you are doing everything even after hubby gets home. that is not how a marriage is supposed to work. we are not maids, cooks, nannies, who work on the clock and get paid. husband and wife are a team. if he isnt keeping up with his part you need to let him know in a kind and loving way that you need his help around the house (or wherever you need it) for at least an hour a day (an hour goes a LONG way sometimes!) then you can relax and have family time or whatever you do in the evenings.

my husband is very prideful, immature, and selfish (the usual, right? pft...men!), but i have spent 10 years breaking him and i am getting so close! there are tricks that i use to help him help me around the house and with the kids, which include showing him a lot of love before requesting something, reminding him of activities he wanted to do with the kids and setting a few things up (makes it impossible to say no sometimes!), if he does something that i asked him to do i shower on the praise as much as if one of my kids had done the same thing. this last one is a deal maker, because when i praise him for doing a good job, he will find a way to do it better the next time.
i am also patient with him (hence the ten years) because he only does the right thing when he realizes it, but he only realizes it with my help. i dont nag, but i do kindly mention things. i am blunt, i dont beat around the bush about anything, men hear what they want to hear!

anyway, i wrote too much!
good luck!
if you liked my advice, dont hesitate to message me for more!! lol

Being a stay at home mom and doing 100% of the work are two different things. Yes, when you are a stay at home mom you do MOST of the work at home, BUT that doesn't really mean that you do all the work when husband is home. My husband used to work 7 days a week and he STILL did at least half of the work when he was home.

I'm personally happy to be a stay at home mom. I've worked part-time before when my husband was home, but I couldn't even stand being away from my kids for THAT long- being a stay at home mom IS hard work, but it should be more of a joy than anything else.

I'm not blaming you exactly, but it goes both ways- HE should help out, it is his house/family, too- but if you do 100% of the work, of course he won't help out, cause you do it all and you let him get away with not doing anything.

I got laid off from my job 3 months before I got pregnant so I did everything house related. All the housework, most of the yard work, all errands, etc. And I tried to convince him while I was pregnant that when he gets home from work, he still had work to do being a dad. He really struggled with that; he didn't realize that having a baby meant no time to yourself (at least for the first 3 months) and he shut down actually, leaving everything to me. All baby care, housework, doctor's appointments, everything. On top of that, I am breastfeeding so I literally never got a break. I mean, he was getting a good night sleep, going to work all day and coming home and doing whatever he wanted.

One day, when he got home, I took a deep breath, handed him the baby and I walked out the door telling him there was a bottle of pumped breast milk to give to her at 10:30 and I'd be back later. Then (as much as it killed me) I went to a movie with my phone shut off. I came home at 11:00 and he just finished giving her a bottle and putting her back to bed and apologized for being "absent". He's been a great partner ever since. He gets home late some nights so he might miss bath/bed time but he always gives her a bottle at 10:30 to give me a break and gives me a "mom's night out" each week. I do whatever I want, take a crochet class, go to dinner with friends, etc.

Leaving to go to the movies during bedtime and shutting off my phone was agonizing. I can't even tell you what movie I went to see because I was fighting the urge to turn my phone on the whole time. But I had to do it for my sanity. Now I don't feel so overwhelmed and resentful that I am doing so much more than my husband is.

Maybe you need a designated mom's night off each week so you can get some time to shake it off and regroup? I found a mom's group and inserted myself into their circle to make some friends (and get great advice) and it's been a lifesaver for me.

I have felt that way myself before. I have 2 girls 3.5 and16 months. Needles to say it is a challenge. Sometimes stuff just does not get done when the youngest is teething and the oldest still potty training. I use to feel like I was living up to my potential. You see I have a paramedic certification. Saving lives and helping people was what I did. It has taken almost three years to change my mind set. There are other people to save lives but there is no one elese that can give my children the morals and other things I want them to have. I want my children to live in the country and have first hand exepierence with wild animals. (no touching of course). Things other kids do not get the oppritunity for. I do not know anyone here to watch my children, mainly because of all the terible things I have seen. Anyway what I am trying to say is God has given mothers one of the most important jobs their is. Teaching a child to be an productive and caring member of society. Do I realy think anything is this important at this point in my life?Just keep in mind you are only one person. Make sure what is most important gets done and teach your children to help out. Having a new baby with all of your task just makes it all that much harder. Our 24-7 job is one that will affect our childrens lives forever, whether or not the kids clothes are folded and put away. At this age they just take out of the dresser anyway.

You'll have to adjust your thinking. You're a huge blessing to your family. Good luck!

Husbands are just taller children that make bigger messes, waste more money and have louder tantrums, then want sex. I feel this way all the time but I don't think there is any type of cure for it. If you ask for help he will just intentionally mess it up so you won't ask again.

I'm a SAHM and my hubby and I sometimes get into the argument that we needs a break sometimes...then I ask 'when do I get my break?' I work nonstop...and now being pregnant, it's even more work! But, my hubby is VERY helpful. And I know I'm lucky to have a hubby who works very hard outside the home so I can stay home with our kids and he also helps me with things around the house. Talk to your hubby if you need some help or some time off.

I feel this way sometimes, since you basically sound like me. I try to imagine what my husband does all day and at the end of it, I have the easier and more fun job of SAHM. However, in the past 2 years my idea of sexy and a turn on are way different. Before I used to love watching him work out, now I love watching him do the dishes. Something about taking the time to help me out is really sexy.

It is an unfair proposition. He works a 9 hour day. That means when he gets home you should share the burden 50/50. That's what my husband and I do.
He works outside of the home, I stay home with our girls and provide in-home daycare to 2 other little girls. I think your husband's idea of "fair" is one sided. I would talk to him and let him know the workload distribution is unfair. You want to discuss something a bit more fair to both of you. If he disagrees with you and pushes the issue as being fair already (like it's a "treat" to be a SAHM), then tell him you'll look into getting a 9-5 like him, and you'll see about getting 3 kids set-up for daycare, and then- since your "work" situation will be similar you can split the house and child burden fairly.

Best wishes-

I think just being a mom is unfair. Based on my experiences and what I have read on this site a lot of us do most of the parenting and household stuff - whether we work or not! He still puts in his 8 hours and puts his feet up.
Also, i've noticed moms are held to a much higher standard as far as children's behavior goes. Dads get to be the "fun" parent. They can let their children run wild and most people just wave their hand and say oh he doesn't know any better! So unfair!
Guess I just try not to dwell on it too much. He is growing up about this - slower than I care for but progress nevertheless!

Maybe you should have talked about this with your husband before having number 3? Adding an extra kid or job will not make life easier. I'm just saying......................

Girl, I know how you feel. I am a SAHM and my husband works (sometimes he does work very long hours and sometimes he is out of town--truck driver) but even when he is out of town...how lucky he must be I think to myself sometimes. He gets to stay in a hotel room all by himself every afternoon. He doesn't have to even put our son to bed! He also works out 4 days a weeks for about 1 1/2 a day. He also goes to martial arts classes for 4 hours on Sunday. So, where is my time? I don't get any. Point blank, period. I am prego with our second child and I am scared to living death over it. In my mind, I am basically a single mother. I see my husband maybe an hour a day, and usually that is when our son is already asleep. I don't sleep in on the weekends, he does. He sleeps until maybe 2 PM on the weekends...while I still work my butt off. My grandmother calls it being barefoot and pregnant. But there is nothing I can do about it. I try to talk to him about it and he says, "This is your job and if you can't handle it, get a job out of the house." Hm, I wonder how good that would help seeing that I would probably STILL be responsible for the house and our son while at home...so I would just have an added responsibility. So, I just suck it in and do what I can without starting a huge fight over it. Women have been doing this for centuries! I am sure I can get through it too. I remember to sit down and take a break during nap time (at least 15-20 mins of doing nothing or surfing the web like I am doing today) and it helps refresh me. So, girl you are NOT alone. I hope you start feeling better about it though!

You have excellent insight into how your upbringing is shaping your thought-life. I hope to echo what many commenters have already said about managing your thought-life.

I suggest that you begin compiling a list of things you like about your life and when you feel discouraged glance at this list. Although it sounds silly, but to motivate myself when I feel unmotivated (usually as it relates to exercise), I write myself a letter of encouragement. So, when I need motivation, I read my letter and whip myself into shape! :)

At the end of the day, life is hard. Tasks can never be divided perfectly 50/50. Even if they could be, life will still be hard. So, remind yourself of the positive things, enjoy your days, and consider reading a short book called "You Are What You Think". It's a great, practical tool to understanding your self-talk and then changing it. Good luck

I recommend renegotiating the responsibilities with your husband. It doesn't sound fair to me but what's important is that you and he agree to it.

show him the responses here.

So....you think if you go to work, you will have LESS to do? That it will be MORE fair? Seriously? No, my friend. All those things you mentioned will still be your responsibility plus work and try to make time for the family. Now that's being pulled in every direction!

i had 3 kids in 3 years, so i feel your pain! re-train your husband & yes just be direct in your wants/needs....just remember he will need you to be very specific even write it down for him & it would be good to keep it consistent for him too, lol........e.g. after dinner my husband takes the kids up for bathes while i clean the kitchen (at my leisure)....i also save folding laundry for night so we can both do it.......my other rule is if the kids are in bed & i am still *working*, he has to help so we can relax at the same time, sometimes i give in & let him play on the computer.....

i am sure you are very hormonal after just having a new baby & the 3rd set me over the edge. Don't feel bad asking anyone for help, you have your hands full. You may want to consider getting on zoloft, I really regret not going on this as all my friends went on it & did much better emotionally than I did.

You can't count what each partner does...you'll be miserable. If you need a daily break, ask your husband to watch the kids for an hour -- make a deal, be specific. If you go to work, will he share housework and child care 50/50?

There are women who do all that and work 8 hours a day. The problem isn't what each of you does, it's about power and communication. If he were more appreciative and did a little bit more, would that make you happy? Or are you really about splitting it down the line?

Updated

You can't count what each partner does...you'll be miserable. If you need a daily break, ask your husband to watch the kids for an hour -- make a deal, be specific. If you go to work, will he share housework and child care 50/50?

There are women who do all that and work 8 hours a day. The problem isn't what each of you does, it's about power and communication. If he were more appreciative and did a little bit more, would that make you happy? Or are you really about splitting it down the line?

My husband is home with the kids Mon-Thurs and then works 12.5 hour days Fri-Sun on the weekends...so we try to split up everything so it's more 'even' but a lot of times I feel like he's the one who has to do more. He also takes care of the grass (1.5 acres) and all the weed eating/spraying, etc. I do clean the do laundry and dishes but he does, too. So I don't think that there is a magic potion or way to snap your fingers to make things feel even. I felt like it was very uneven for three years when my husband worked nights and he got to go to bed whenever he wanted and sleep until he HAD to get up and go to work (versus getting up wtih the kids and taking them to daycare) and never had to feed them or put them to bed...but now that is all reversed!! A lot of times I feel bad because I'm at work at a desk job away from the kids and with adults and can go out to lunch and get adult time where as he's with them all day then has to work a physical labor job in the heat/freezing cold for 12+ hours on the weekends (and lose his weekends to do other things). Bottom line - we all feel guilty about something...(women more than men sometimes). Why not split up the cleaning and grocery shopping? I'm pretty anal so I like keeping track of the finances (hubby is okay with that too) and want to be a part of all the sports/school stuff so I'm not going to lose out on any of that. But if you need help, ask for it!

Oh, I don't think it has anything to do with being a twin! I feel exactly like that! I have twin two-year-olds and a four-year-old and I used to have a very good job before we moved to the U.S. (I'm still a bit bitter at Microsoft for ensuring my husband that I would be able to work here no problem when I wasn't allowed to at all!). Anyway, it doesn't really matter as in the five years we've been here, I've had three children, so who has time to work outside the home, right? ;-) Anyway, I do all the housework, etc., to, but I make sure to let my husband know how I feel and he really does try hard to appreciate it. Still, I feel like you - my job doesn't end... Worse is that we have no family around so it's really hard to get a break. But after talking it out, we decided that I should get a babysitter twice a week so that I can get some things down outside the house and just enjoy some me-time. That has helped immensely. Also, my husband lets me sleep in on the weekends as I'm the one that gets up with the children in the night - this also helps immensely. And, I go to the gym almost every morning and this has improved my mood a lot. I've also learned to let go a lot and not worry so much about the state of the house. Maybe you could delegate a few things to your husband. Surely he can fold laundry while he's watching TV or something like that... Anyway, good luck and know you're not alone in your feelings! :-)

It's a sacrifice and a choice. You and your husband choose to have 3 kids and be a single family income. Is it hard, ABSOLUTELY! Will your children reap the benefits, yes mam. You and your husband must discuss this as a couple before it puts a wedge in your marriage.

You need to express your feelings to your husband. Most likely with an honest heart to heart conversation with him, he'll get it and help you out around the house/bills/shopping etc... I hate to tell you this, but I have several working mom friends who work 8-9 hours per day, and then still come home and do all the same stuff. So it's not just us stay at home moms who get this with their husbands. You have to communicate your needs too! You need to make "fun" time for yourself. Talk it over and see how he reacts. Most men just don't get how HARD being a stay at home mom is until they have to do it themselves for a day or more. Next time he has a day off from work - let him stay home with the kids, you make plans with a friend and go out for some fun. His eyes should be fully open to how much you do after only one day alone. Don't let it your resentment take over and cause problems in your marriage. Fix it now! Good luck!

I feel the same way. I know my husband works very, very hard at work and when he comes home he's very present and available for our child. I still feel like he gets to walk away from work and I have to think about our child all day every day with NO exceptions!!! I'm envious of him because he gets to be done with work at the end of the day and I can't. I know he'd much rather be home with our daughter and would be a great SAHD but that's not possible since he makes way more money than I do working.

While my husband is great at helping out around the house etc... I'm still the coordinator for everything. I'm the one asking, before we leave the house, is her diaper changed, did you get her milk, do you have her toys, a jacket, .... and that bugs me. I've decided though that someone essentially takes charge and has to be the point person in any job. In my house that's me. I work hard to communicate frustrations and vent to my husband about this stuff and he's pretty great about making me leave the house to go do for ME! and that happens at least once a week. Also, when he gets home from work I loosen my grip on the reigns (so to speak) and let him find his spot and we parent more together rather than me being solely in charge.

I'm sorry I don't have a magic answer to your question. Just wanted you to know you're NOT alone!!!