Feeling Bitter, Overwhelmed - Need Support

I've known a few special needs kids, and that can mean such a range of issues/problems that it's hard to know just what you're dealing with. Except that it's obviously hard and exhausting.

But one thing that seems true is that if you will be handling everything yourself for two weeks at a time, and you are already exhausted dealing with the children when your husband is able to participate, then I would look for an assistant or respite provider who could step in during his absences. This may simply need to be your decision, based on your daily reality.

If cost is the main problem, look for expenses in your budget that can be suspended or entirely eliminated. If it is simply that your husband doesn't realize how challenging your days are, perhaps letting him travel with both children would give him a more realistic sense of what you face. And it would give you the break you so desperately need. A couple of weeks missing your kids could give you a new and happier perspective on them when they return.

Whatever you end up doing, I sure hope it's something that works better for you.

I have a very similar situation: Special needs child, no family within a 5 hour drive, both sets of grandparents live in other states and my hubby travels a lot for work all the while I'm the SAHM w/3 kids to keep busy along with therapy and running a house. SO...... Here is what has worked for my hubby and me (seeing as the rate of divorce skyrockets up to 80% of couples w/special needs kids, scary!!) we take turns with the kids as well as have assigned routines that we do....

1: My husband does nightly bedtime routine with our son while I do the other two.
2: My husband also does all of our sons showers with him.
3: I make sure dinner is on the table before hubby gets home so if I need to get out for an hour or so, my hubby isn't stuck trying to feed them.
4: We team up on weekends so we both get some free time. I use my free time to go running in the morning (this is awesome, it clears my head!) and my hubby will usually use his free time to play a video game.
5: We attend church reguarly so we have a little help with our son, he's able to attend his class with an aide (we requested this) so we can sit and listen to our lesson and get a reminder of what we are working towards.
6: In our city we have a free service (if you qualify) for a PCA (personal care assistant) that comes to your home to basically work as a nanny for you for free. Something you should look into, ask your pediatrician or school.
7: If my hubby is able, he'll come relieve me at therapy so I can take the other two kids home and get dinner started in peace.
8: I trained two girls from my church (an older girl, driving, college etc...) how to care for my son so we can take a couple of hours and go do something w/o the kids. I use them together so it's not overwhelming. I also use them a lot when my hubby is out of town so I still have a M. helper around.
9: At the end of the day, we both are drained and we both have our methods of unwinding, it's not together either. I enjoy watching House Hunters or a show I previously recorded while he goes to play video games.
But, by the time the 10 o'clock news is on, we are laying in bed together and we can converse about anything we want.
10: It's also important for you to find friends that will be willing to help you. I have a program in my church that has us ladies looking out for one another. Two other woman are assigned to me, and I'm assigned to others. If I ever need help, I can call on them and they are always there either with a meal for my family, or to watch my kids while I shower etc.... Get yourself out there and don't be afraid to let your pride down and ask for help, it's ok.

You two can work through this, you just need to partner up better and get on the same track to help your child succeed in life. There are resources available to you through your school district, make sure you call and ask what those are. Good luck to you, if you need more help, there are a lot of us moms with special needs kids that can be of service to you:)

PS: As far as your hubby thinking you'd be doing wrong by sending your child for care outside of your home is completely false, it's the BEST thing you could be doing. Your child needs to learn how life works so it's actually a good thing to let them experience things outside of the home:)

I think you need to go right back to your original idea of respite care. It could be very, very important to your overall happiness. Your husband needs to understand that - just like he HAS to travel for your work, you MUST carve out a way to balance the needs of your children and your own sanity. That will help you feel more in control and less resentful (which is destructive any way you slice it).

I don't think you're being unreasonable, and you should take every opportunity you can to recharge your batteries prior to the change in his travel schedule.

Good luck, and here's a hug for you << >>.

Dear M.-

First...I send you BIG HUUUGE cyber hugs!! (((()))))!!!

Second...It is difficult to know 'how' to respond with respect to your special needs child...as they all are indeed 'special'.

I agree with most of the advice given...in that you need a break. I KNOW (as a mom of a 'special' child myself) how hard that can be.

You asked..."what would you do in my shoes?"

I would send him (hubby) with the kids while you get a break...and also, during that break research what services are available in your area...that could be through school...through social services...through church...through united way...through SO MANY places, depending on the needs of your child.

Again...I send hugs. Private me with some details if you wish...and maybe I can assist in finding services/solutions...or at least to vent!!

Best Luck!
michele/cat

You can't be afraid to ask for help when you need it and it sounds like you need it.
Can you afford to have someone come in a few hours per day, a few days of each week? Especially while he is gone. I think if you know some relief time is coming--you will be able to deal with it while you're there.

I'd tell him point blank you ARE going to get respite care for your child. PERIOD. He's not the one handling 80% of the problems that arise - you are and you are getting ZERO breaks in order to keep your sanity and perspective.

During the summers and times when husband is gone - YOU get the respite care. Your husband is just going to have to deal with it. You've done more than enough to deserve it, and I"m sure your child will enjoy it too after she gets used to the change of pace.

Just stay home.
Let him go with the kids.

He does not know nor realize, all the strain of your situation.
Or he is in denial.

Can he hire you a Nanny or Mother's Helper?
That would be fair, considering he will not be home and traveling so much for work.
That is what my friend's Husband did for her.
She has 3 young children, all boys, very active... and she literally would just cry some nights, because it was so arduous.
She's a good Mom. But her Husband, due to work, is rarely home and travels a TON for work. He cannot avoid it nor choose not to.
So, he got her a part-time Nanny, to help her.
That was the compromise.

Granted, her children are not special needs. But just the fact that her Husband is not home, and travels a ton... this is what he did for her.

But when he IS home, he is right there in the trenches with her, and doing parenting.

Next: You NEED TO TELL HIM all of this. Or he will not know... how hard it is and with your special needs child and all the everyday 24 hour toil.
You need to sit down with him and have an adult conversation about it.
Even if he is traveling and not gonna be home, he is STILL A PART OF THE HOUSE AND IS A DAD AND HUSBAND.
My friend, even when her Husband is away, constantly, they ALWAYS touch base everyday, do Skype, and she tells him everything everyday that is going on. And he is, on the phone, 'helping' her and trouble shooting, for his family too. Even if away.
He is not, out of sight out of mind.
He makes himself AVAILABLE.
That is what your Husband needs to do.

And you both, need to make couple time... if you can. And it will take conscious effort, to reconnect.

You need respite care. It's way cheaper than a divorce!

Accept and ask for the help you need. Definitely stay home while dh takes the kids to see his parents. Don't clean house, go get a massage and pedicure. Don't feel guilty, just think of it as recharging so you will be ready to jump back into special needs child care when your kids return. Of course it will be difficult for dh to travel with the kids by himself and maybe after a week of this he will better understand why you need help on a regular basis.

As far as cost, kids cost money, this is part of life with children. I think that hiring regular respite care is putting your dollars to good use.

You can message me if you want. I have a very complex special needs son, very stressful!! We hit some very rough patches, doesn't help that my son is not biologically my husband's but my husband does play the daddy role fabulous!! Yes respite has saved our marriage many times over. Does your child qualify for "assistance"? Like here in MN my son is on a waiver program (I don't know what they have over in WI).

Respite is very nice, it is nice to have a break away from everything, even if it is just me locking myself downstairs and reading a book. Now that I am looking for a job (my youngest are going to be 6 soon) I have enough respite hours/funding to have a fulltime PCA. Don't feel bitter for wanting time away, if you let that bitter feeling build up you will end up resenting everyone, I know been there done that.

Well, I would let him take the kids on the trip since he offered.
Or both of you go if your mother in law can keep the kids. (Not sure if the two things are the same).
Once he starts being gone two weeks at a time, I would get respite help whether he thinks it's necessary or not. I don't mean undermine him or do something sneaky behind his back, but he doesn't like the idea and he won't be there to grumble or fuss about it. You can get a routine established that good for your kids and yourself during his absence.
LOTS of people have respite care. Whether it be for a child with special needs or an elderly family member they care for at home. We had a lady that took my father in law to Denny's, she bought deli sandwiches and they ate lunch at river overlooks. It was very enjoyable for him and he looked forward to it. I would bet your daughter would be happy having some special time for herself as well.
No offense against your husband, but ti's easy to be the man who gets in job mode and kind of puts other things on the back burner or for someone else.
When my father in law first came to live with us after my mother in law died, my husband expected me to take full care of an adult who suffered from alzheimer's and dementia AND a 10 year old child AND a newborn AND a huge house in the country. Grandpa needed 24 hour supervision, help getting dressed, help getting showered, help in the bathroom. I loved him, but I had two children and grandpa was one to want to take off or build a fire in the middle of the living room when it was 90 degrees outside.
I flipped my lid the day my husband told me he would be gone for two weeks to go fishing in Costa Rica. A life long dream, for sure.
Bad timing? Absolutely.
He was already gone on business quite a lot. I didn't fault him for that. He financially supported us extremely well. But, leaving me alone with all of it so he could go fishing in another country didn't sit well.
He ended up not going and he hired a respite worker.
If your husband has to be gone, you have to do what you have to do to keep things sane on the home front.
I was worn to a wafer, literally. I almost died during my pregnancy with my son and thank God he was born healthy, but three weeks later I had a death and an impaired father in law to deal with. I weighed less than I did before I got pregnant, which wasn't much. I talked to my doctor about it and he is the one who helped with referrals for respite care. He told me, "You've got a lot on your plate and you don't have to be a hero".

Sorry this got long, but sometimes respite care is needed.
There's nothing wrong with it. It doesn't mean you can't do a good job.
It doesn't mean you don't love your child or other family member less.
Ask for referrals and ask for help.
Soon, it will just become part of the ordinary schedule and everyone can benefit from it.

Trust me.

I wish you the best.

You chose to have kids. Please don't blame all your problems on your children, it's not their fault they came into the world. I have no advice, other then it's so sad to see parents deflecting blame. Let's be honest, you and your husband allowed the rift to happen. Your kids didn't force you two to be in the position you're in, you chose to allow these things to affect your marriage. I'm not trying to be harsh, but until you place the blame where it rightfully should be (on the ADULTS, it's YOUR relationship.), nothing will ever change. And, your children don't deserve that.

You need a break, this much is obvious. Take it whenever and wherever you can get it. Perhaps, that will allow you to breathe and really work on the situation.

P.S.
Somehow what I was trying to say, was seriously lost in translation! I think you deserve a break, and I said you clearly need one. (And, I wasn't be condescending about that!!) I was simply trying to say, that your children can't save or break the husband/wife relationship...and perhaps with a break, you and your husband can focus on each other. It seems like so much of the focus is the children, and it would be better if were each other, as well. I clearly did not word my response correctly, and I never ever meant to offend.

I think, for now, I would tell him that with him being gone, you will NEED the respite care for x amount of days. You shouldn't have to justify it to him or even yourself. Taking care of kids is hard work and it sounds like your day is especially taxing. Everyone needs a break at some point and this will be yours. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's ok to say you need help and honestly, if he said, no, I would probably do it anyway.

I think every mom feels overwhelmed and bitter at times. (Except for "Bug", because apparently she has a great life with no problems.) I don't have a special needs child, but work in special ed. You definitely need to have a break. While I think it would be nice to have a week to yourself, the idea of having a couple of days alone with your husband sounds needed.

Maybe you can find a mom's group that can give you some ideas and a chance to vent. I hope it all works out for you.

I don't have any specific advice for you but if he is willing to take the kids for a week to his parent's then LET HIM!!!
I don't understand your statement "I wouldn't do that to him b/c that would be really difficult for him to travel w/the kids by himself."
Um, hello, how else will he see how important the respite care is unless he has to deal with the reality of his child's condition first hand?!
If you really want him to take some responsibility as a parent then GIVE him some responsibility. Otherwise he is just an employer, and you are the employee.

Actually, Bug is right. You guys put too much focus on the kids when in reality the both of you together are the foundation of the family. So do not put your relationship on the back burner. I too have a special needs child, she is my step daughter. And respite is available thru the state for free so if your child is disabled they should qualify and get these services at no cost to you. You are not "sending them away" and in reality, it would probably benefit your child to be around someone else other than you and your husband. Try to get some breaks when you can. We all know its hard, we all have our problems and we all try to do the best we can. I hope you find something that will help you guys. Good luck.

I'm so sorry, it sounds like you are at the end of your rope here. It sounds like everything that is going on around you is very stressful. If your marriage is really hurting that badly, I would go on the trip to your in-laws and take the three days you have been given with your husband to have that time together. I kind of understand his side about not wanting to only be able to see his parents for two days and feeling guilty. I would take the help I've been offered and use it to try to strengthen the bond with your husband. Sometimes all you need is a few days, and then you get some relief and can again see the positives in a situation.

It sounds like both of your kids are old enough to be in school, so even though that brings with it a whole different set of concerns...you will have some time to yourself soon. I sometimes find that life is easier when I don't have to factor my husband into it. I don't have to think about what he might want for supper, can accomplish tasks on my own schedule, etc... Of course I love him and am more than ready for him to be home when that happens as well, it is nice to have the help.

I guess what I am saying is I understand it is hard, but I would try to take the days you have been given vs. staying at home by yourself. Sometimes getting out of the house to different surroundings to "get some air" can be rewarding as well to see your family in a different light. I'm sure it will be a nice visit with your in-laws as well.

Also, does it make financial sense for your husband to be travelling with this co-worker? If it does then it is understandable, it is nice to have a travelling partner regardless. Just make sure you are looking at things from all angles as well. Since you have a one income family, your husband does seem to have some valid concerns. Is there any assistance where you wouldn't have to send your child away? You didn't really tell us the special needs your child has...maybe someone could come to your home to help out?

Good luck! I hope you go on the trip :)

Hi, M. H. I see you live in the same city I do. Perhaps we can chat/you can sound off me. :) Contact me if you have any questions.

You don't say what special needs your 6-year-old daughter has, but I totally understand where you're coming from. My daughter, who is now 11, has Sensory Processing Disorder. I also am the primary caregiver, as my husband works outside the house (and he just took a new job, where he has to drive to Monroe every day, sometimes Freeport, IL. He leaves the house at 6:30 am and gets home at 6:00 pm.). He used to do a lot of traveling when our daughter was younger--when I really needed him home to help. It isn't fun, sitting in an ER with a baby until all hours of the night, then having to get baby to daycare and yourself to work so you don't get fired. Man, I don't miss those days! Having a sickly baby, being sick myself... Nope, I don't miss any of those baby days at all. In fact, I couldn't wait for her to grow up and out of them.

It does gets easier to deal with a special needs child the older they get (well, with certain issues it does); know that as she gets older, life should get easier.

That said, I totally understand the extreme exhaustion of giving your all to everyone and everything--everyone, that is, except you. YOU really need to look out and after yourself; if you let yourself run down, then when you become sick, there's no one there to pick up the slack. I know; I became very ill four years ago, and I'm still working on getting healthy and strong again (mostly food allergies and intolerances, but I also have adrenal fatigue. I think I'm also in perimenopause.). If you don't supplement your diet with a good multivitamin/mineral, I'd seriously look into it. A good immune system supplement would also be a good choice. Just to help shore up your body/health and keep you healthy. :)

The Respite Center on the north side of downtown (off East Washington) lets you bring your child there when you need some time alone--I think you have to call first, though, to make sure they have room. We did think about doing that when our daughter was younger, but never felt it was critically needed, so we never followed through. We did donate a whole bunch of kid stuff to them last year, though, and had a chance to see the establishment. A very, very nice place; all the kids who were there looked like they were having fun and a good time. I also like the idea of getting some college girls to help. You can apply for help through the University--there is a registry for students looking for internships/low-paying jobs that allow them to use their childhood skills for class--our Childhood Specialist told us about it. I can find out more for you, if you'd like. Depending on what your daughter has, like someone stated, you might even qualify to have someone come into your house who is paid through the county/your insurance or something.

My husband and I moved here from out of state; me from MN, him from IA. Our parents/family are too far away for them to come help us (they rarely came to help us at all, even when we desperately needed the help when our daughter was younger). Because this is such a transient/
college town, I've never had much luck at meeting and making very many friends--and I've lived here for 14 years. Also, for the past 6 years I've owned my own freelance editorial business and work out of my house (again, so I can be home for my special needs child), so making friends/finding the time to go out/get together isn't that easy. Plus, I don't have a lot of disposable income. Apparently, not a lot of people are interested in going to the park or to the library (Monona has a wonderful area for kids to play) or walking the mall (West Towne has that great kid playing area) or just getting together at someone else's house.

I didn't get a lot of help with childraising even before my husband got his new job; now I really feel like a single mom, taking care of my daughter alone. It's harder in the summer, because I have to run, run, run more with her than I do during the school year. Having to get my work in around her schedule is a challenge sometimes! Now that my daughter is older my husband takes her and does some things with her. It's important for him to do that; it makes him have to deal with her and help her work through any issues or problems she has. The last time they went somewhere, just last weekend, in fact, he came into the house and said I needed to go outside because our daughter was having an issue/meltdown. I asked what about--by the time I got to her room, she was already hiding. Thankfully, my husband came into the room, we/he talked about the issue/problem and we resolved it with my daughter. I was actually shocked that I got help from him to work through the problem, but extremely grateful at the same time. He so seldom does that that I take his help in any and every way that I can.

Does your insurance company cover your child seeing a Childhood Specialist? Our daughter sees one--has since she was 5 years old--and that has helped us tremendously. Our Specialist helps us teach my daughter how to cope/find coping methods for what she is finding hard to deal with. The Specialist also knows that I mainly deal with my daughter, not my husband, so she's also my therapist/sounding board and helps me keep my sanity.

It's NOT easy taking care of a special needs child, and when you are left to feel as if you're the only person dealing with her (because the other spouse isn't doing his/her fair share--or can't, because he/she can't deal with it, like my husband) it can feel totally overwhelming and can make you feel resentful. Yes, no one said we had to have children. But I'm sorry if I am a little mean when I say I wasn't planning on having a special needs child; I was planning on having a normal child. Raising a normal child is challenging enough in today's environment; raising a special needs child is almost too overwhelming. When we had an inkling that there was "something different" about our daughter, we made the decision when she was two and a half not to have any more children. We've acquired a dog and a cat, but one child was our limit. I should say, my limit, since I am the one taking care of her.

And what about us? Well, it's rocky, to say the least. There's not a lot of time for "us;" my husband feels weird--has always felt weird--about letting someone else take care of our daughter. He always says that no one knows how to handle her (hmm, wonder where he gets that thought from, when I'm the one who takes care of/handles her? LOL), so we don't have anyone prepped as a babysitter. She's old enough now that she can do sleepovers with her friends, so we get some time once in a while to ourselves. She goes to Grammy's for a week in the summer, so we get in a little bit of time and fun to ourselves--but, we both also have to work.

Taking care of children is just hard, any way you look at it. Add special needs to that, and it feels like we're on a revolving door that never ends...

At least we are two raising her together--I can't imagine being a single mother raising a special needs child. I know they're out there, and I give them the biggest hug there possibly is, because I know how hard it is to raise a child myself when the other person is the bread winner--and all I have to worry about is the child and don't have to worry about holding down a job as well.

Good luck.

I would say take your husband's offer to go to the IL's and take the kids, but you 2 take the 3 days off together, and try to talk about the issues, and figure out a solution. AND then also take his offer of him taking vacation before leaving andyou go to a friend or family's house or a hotel and just take that time for you to recharge. Having 2 kids and being a SAHM alone is drianing enough, even more so, when one is special needs!

Respite doesn't necessarily mean sending her away, it CAN just mean, having someone come to your home to watch her during the day so you cna take a couple hours to run errands alone, or just go out to coffee, and get a break. You can get it free or at very low cost, through the state, if you child has a real diagnosis, or through your County Health department. Or you could just hire a regular babysitter one day or night a week to give you some time off, especially on the nights your husband will be gone while travellng for work.

Believe me, my ILs have adopted their 2 special needs grandchildren, and they are "too proud" to use the respite care available to them.....well, they get all burnt out and then try to push the kids off on us and my sil and bil ( not the kids parents - she is out of th epicture) and we are getting burnt out, too - it takes a toll on the whole family when the parents won't reach out and use the help and services available to them to help the kids and themselves have a less stressful life.

Explain to your Dh how stressed you are, remind him how he feels after a full day of work and then just a couple hours of dealing with the kids in the evening - and then remind him that you are dealing with them all day long, think how stressful that is. Tell him you need a regularly scheduled break time - some time with him for a date once or twice a month and some for you alone once a week or every other week....and figure out care, whether babysitter, or actual respite. You guys need to do this for yourselves AND for the kids sake.

First of all he offered you some time for yourself by taking the kids on the trip alone. Take him up on it, it will show him what you handle yourself and open his eyes to how much it wears a person out. I would also check and see if there is a day camp type care for your special needs child. Not one where she will be away over night. Another thing you can do is hire a teenager to help you during part of the day by coming to play with the other kids or if possible to play with the special needs child, games or something. You don't mention her age or disabilities so I am assuming she is old enough to play games or simple play.

One thing about getting your child into special needs school or classes as soon as possible, you don't lose time with their learning to be independent to a point. She will be happy to have someone who is trained in dealing with her disabilities.

I just read the what happened. You are so overwhelmed I can imagine how tired you are. I am so sorry. You will be even more overwhelmed if you let this destroy your marriage though. How much time do you want to spend alone with your husband and how much time do you want to spend alone? I guess if you stay home just because you don't get the one extra day away with your husband, you will not be happy staying home because you will fret on how he put his mother's feelings first. If you really want down time, then staying home would be just that... but don't do it just "to show him", you won't be happy afterwards.

try the respite care.