Feeling So Alone

He threatened to leave if you took drugs? Sorry I cant get over this. OMG. How dare he? Like Brooke Shields said, when he grows a uterus he can decide. If my husband did that I would go postal on him. Sorry. Good luck to you.

Um .. no similar experience at all ... but I'm sure that hormones have a great deal to play in all of this .. especially if this mostly happens only during your pregnancies/labors. As in .. if everything is smooth sailing when you're not preggers .. then guess it could partly be hormones.

That said ... your DH is very wrong in being 'upset with you for taking labor drugs' and saying it's YOUR fault for not having a VBAC? - WHAT? That's not exactly what you tell a very pregnant woman. LOL

I would say ... if he thinks your labor should be a certain specific way and that's not exactly how YOU want it to happen .. YOU are the one who has to labor and do all the hard work .. then I'd have a serious talk with him and let him know how you feel. He should be in the room .. he's your hubby and it's ya'll's baby. :-)

I think a nice compromise would be this .. do you have a close friend that you intend to have in the delivery room with you? That could help 'tame' your hubby and perhaps lighten the tension in the room .. that's what I'd do in your place, I think.

Good luck and congrats on the new baby!!! :-D

I do not know you or your husband. I don't know if he's always like this or only like this when you're pregnant.

I DO know that pregnancy and childbirth should be a good experience. I think that if your husband isn't encouraging you and supporting you, you need to find someone else to do that.

Do you have any female friends that wouldn't be a threat to him that could come to the apts with you and give you the support you need?

Can you sit down with the hubby and explain to him that this isn't making things better?

And I understand the husband wants to be involved in the "process" of pregnancy, labor and delivery, but HUN...this is YOUR body. NOT HIS. Would you ever tell him how to take care of his body?

I feel bad that you are having to go through this. I can't imagine it. ANd Yeah...it could be a little bit about hormones. And to be fair, your husband may be having his own bout with guilt, worry, money woes given this upcoming birth as well. And the way he expresses that is to be beligerant to you.

I want to tell you that if he truly said that to you, I'd be thinking long and hard about whether or not I'd want someone who could say that to you...especially at this most vulnerable time, speaking to me that way or even in my life. If he hasn't liked you for a long time, what does that say about your marriage or the new life you're carrying?

I will be thinking good thoughts and sending them your way.

Smiles to you and your family.

Good luck.

Hi W., I may have a bit of a different view than the other ladies but here goes. First of all I have 4 kids and during the last 10 weeks of pregnancy I DO NOT like my husband very much:(, in fact I can hardly stand to look at him! Understand that I do LOVE my husband it just seems to change in those last few weeks. In fact, when I was in the last few weeks of my 4th pregnancy I told my sister (who was in another country) that I was going to deliver this baby myself (I was hating my midwife by that point as well) and that I hoped to go into labor while he was at work! I had absolutely no fear and no desire to have any of those people around me! I tell you all of this to just remind you that you are not alone but please consider the stress your husband might be in right now. Yes, he wants the baby, but the extra cost of another child and sharing his time with another child and taking more of YOUR time from him with a new baby and seeing you in labor may just cause him stress as well. As far as being angry about the mowing/shed door. My thought on that is that I bet he felt guilty that his pregnant wife had to mow the lawn becuase he had neglected it. Many times I have seen guilt manifest itself into anger or frustration about some small thing.
Please know that I am not justifying ANYONE'S unkind works or mean actions, I am just trying to give you another persective and remind you that a few short months ago you two were in love enough to want another precious baby to join your family. Try to be patient (taking the high road-I know) and just make it through this hard time as best as you can! Good luch and I will say a prayer for your peace.

I am sorry to hear that yo are having problems. but it sounds as though your husband is very unhappy, despite what he will say.
for him to act that way with your second pregnancy about the leaving because you used medication, then i would kick him out. i would have then and i would now.
after all it is not him pushing a watermelon out of his coochie. it is never appropriate for you guys to argue during labor, if he can't act better than that he may need to be barred from the room.
i think that there is something going on deeper than argueing about labor and the pregnancy.
it sounds like you guys need counseling, or your marriage won't make it through the delivery of baby #3.
if he really cared he would not be treating you like this, or saying things to hurt you.....regardless that you are pregnant.....but even moreso then. and shouldn't the last time either.
this is way deeper than just about delivery of the baby and it sounds like it started sometime around baby #2.
do you have anyone to go stay with for a while...like a mini-vacation?
when i got mad at my husband during #3 preg. he wasn't quite that awful, but he was yelling me about everything, i just went to stay wiht grandma for about 5 days. she only lived 30 minutes away in the next town. but i did't tell him where i was. i made him look for me. which it wasn't to hard to find. i didn't tell my grandma, only that i wanted to rest, and she helped with my other 2 kiddos. so he finally called, when i didn't show up that evening. i told him i was tired of his behavior and he probably needed some alone time to figure out if having a wife and kids was what he really wanted. because until he figured it out and asked me to come home and he apologized and changed his attitude and behavior, then i was staying with Grandma. period. if he wanted to talk and get it worked out he knew where to find me.
we did work it out by day 3, but i stayed 2 extra days just to make my point. and the two extra days were his days off. so by the time we got home, he would had to go work adn barely saw us on the 6th day. so there you have it.
i hope that you guys seek counseling or he gets some help before it is to late. and if not.....get a bitchy divorce attorney.
good luck,
L.

I don't want to offend you......but, I don't think that you are hormonal at all. I think that your husband sounds selfish and immature. He needs to grow up. I've had four kids and although I had the best intentions, never made it w/o pain relief. I read your post to my husband and he said that that attitude toward you was crazy and you shouldn't put up with it. That's coming from a man and I agree. You do whatever you have to do to get through labor. In the end if you give of yourself and make it through this third pregnancy and go through labor and end up with a bouncing baby then you have done a wonderful job and you should be proud of yourself. In the meantime, if your husband wants to try to pass an orange or something equivalent without pain pills tell him you'll be glad to talk through it.

He hasn't liked you in a long time?! Wow. And him being upset to the point of threatening to leave because you got some drugs for your pain? It really sounds like y'all need to go see a marriage counsellor to talk about these negative feelings towards you.

My husband is an engineer - in every sense of the word - and he has never been too excited about feeling the baby move or going to dr. appointments with me. It's not that he's not excited in his own way to be having the baby, but I know he's very different from me in that he shows it in a completely different way, an usually not till the baby's here. (We've had 2 kids so far) So, as far as that goes, I know exactly how you feel. My husband also tends to feel VERY stressed during my pregnancies. Having another child is an emotional and financial stress for some men to prepare for (or they feel like that). My husband gets pretty stressed about it, and moreso up to the delivery.

However, he has never told me (while I'm pregnant) that he doesn't like me. He's made comments when I'm NOT pregnant about me being much more difficult to live with, and that's understandable, considering the fact that I tend to be a little more moody, more irritable (I HATE my OB when I'm pregnant, but he's fine when I'm not - I use the Nurse Midwife at their office when I'm pregnant) and I don't always get as much done as he would like.

I would recommend (this is what we do) only taking him to select doctor visits (we do visits with ultra sounds and then one during the last month of pregnancy). My husband enjoys the ultrasounds, but the rest of it is quite mundane for him - and since they are pretty much routine checkups, it's not like he's missing anything. We have the emotional attachment to the baby earlier than them because it's living inside us and we are already giving our lives to them, while the husbands may see preganancy more as us not feeling well, having to pick up the slack sometimes and even though they may be happy to have another kid, they don't get the same experience we do because they aren't experiencing the same things we are. Maybe spending a little more one on one fun time with him would be good for both of you, and doing nice things like writting love notes or making a special meal for him would be better than doing something difficult that you may end up messing up. Good luck. He's being a liitle harsh on you, but all men are different. My husband doesn't get much say in the labor/delivery area, because I'M the one pushing baby out and doing the hard work. He's there for moral support and encouragement. I have to get Staddol during labor because if I don't I start regressing. My contractions get to the point where I have a hard time staying relaxed enough. So, it's a 24+ hour last stage of delivery, or a 6-7 hour labor/delivery with meds around the time I hit transition. I have a medical reason for needing meds, even though I'd rather do natural.

W.,
For the first hun, You are not supposed to be out doig the lawn but, I think that was nice of you to do that. I did the same thign when I was pregnat with second baby and 3rd. Anohter thing instead of arguing he could had sad thank you for wanting to help me.
When I do something like that my husband tells me thank you. I hope that you won't be stress out and end up having your baby early. I hope that the delivery will be safe and easy for you. Sometimes, we do feel like we are all alone. IS there someone that you can talk to about your feelings? I think you need to talk to someone whether it be a good friend or your husband.
Do you think that your husband is a little stress out with things at the momnet? I don't know why he wouldn't want to feel the baby move. WHen I couldn't feel Alexandria moving my husband could. I hope that your husband changes.
Maybe he's waiting to be excited until the last minute. My thoughts and prayers go out to you both.
If you feel like you need to take the epideral go ahead and take it. I don't know how women do it without but,I did it and it was the best thing for me. I hope and pray everything goes well for you hun...

W.,
I know this is a difficult time. You are getting ready to deliver your 3rd child and there is alot of anxiety from your previous births and you are worried about letting your husband down if you need to have meds or a vbac. Your feelings are legitimate, even though you may have some hormones mixed in with them. Your husband maybe experiencing the same amount of anxiety but for different reasons, and that may be causing his temper flares and ungratefullness. He could be having stress about the financial responsibility of having another child, and the fact that you may be a little sensitive (completely for good reason), and worried about he'll let you down again like he did during the 2nd childbirth. I also see you are trying very hard to please him with doing extra stuff that maybe in your condition might be a little too much. He may have been more upset that you mowed, then the fact you did not mow correctly. Right now, enjoy the last part of your pregnancy, enjoy your children, and your husband and yourself need to try to enjoy eachother. Maybe get a sitter and go out to eat, get reconnected. Closer to delivery if things don't improve with his attitude, I would tell him you feel as if you need extra emotional support in the delivery room. But I would not tell him he can't be in there at all. That would rob him of the joy of seeing his child born, and I don't think that would be easy to get over. Also, discuss with your Dr how you are feeling and how things are going at home, and what happened at last deliver. That way if your husband is being difficult during the delivery, the Dr will deal with it. Hang in there! A baby is a blessing!

Hey W. -
With my first child (boy - 5 years old now), I did the Bradley Method. I am single and conceived my son artificially and had a friend go through the Bradley method with me. The labor and delivery was VERY long and it was hard labor. My labor was all in my back and my friend massaged my back throughout the whole day. Towards the end, I was very scared of the whole process and she stayed beside me and was very comforting. I can't imagine going through that without that kind of support. And, if your husband can't give you that, then you need to take the drugs. My friend even said her arms hurt the next day - from all of the counter pressure/massaging that she had done with me all day long.

With my daughter (4 months old), I did not take any classes. I'm still single and conceived her artificially as well. Again, I had a friend in delivery with me. This time, just going in, I said I was going to get an epidural. In all honesty, I was scared of the epidural too (something in my back?! Scary). But, the whole childbirth experience this time was SO much better. I got an epidural, did not have any real pain, the baby shot out very quickly and I was able to ENJOY her and my family because I wasn't so miserable from a long labor and delivery. And, I didn't really need a coach or support because the whole thing was so much easier this time.

Since you have already had children, you could probably do no drugs very easily. But, as my labor progressed this time, I noticed that I was getting irritable and that is when I asked for the epidural. Once I had the epidural, my mood changed and I felt better and thus not irritable. The whole experience really was so pleasant. Plus, I was able to talk to my son and show him the baby and reassure him that I was okay - because he wasn't happy that I was in the hospital.

Dear W.:

Unfortunately, I have had a similar experience with my husband. Childbirth without support can be traumatic (it can even be traumatic with support) Do what you need to do for yourself to get that support whether it be from a doula, mother, or friend.

I made an incredible discovery when I went on antidepressants. They made me extremely lethargic and sleepy. Nothing bothered me. I had about a month of down time between finishing up my degree and working. The first two weeks I was only out of bed for only a couple of hours each day. Normally, I am very productive and work hard to keep the house clean. It has never been good enough for my husband. There was always something more that I could have done.

When I was one the medication, his comments and criticism, didn't "rip through my soul". Suprisingly, without my reaction, even one that I tried to hide, he changed. He did not escalate his behaviors when I didn't react because he could tell that I was not responding. He stopped making ugly comments and criticisms all together.

I have really been focusing on myself, and doimg what I want and need to do. I have been going to counseling even though it is not something that my husband supports. When I quit trying to please my husband, he seemed to develop more respect for me. Men are attracted to confident, happy women.I became more desirable to him. Unfortunately, I had gotten to the point where I was really preparing myself to leave, but I guess that is what it took to wake both of us up so that we could change our pattern of interaction.

I know that this may not always work. You may not be able to change him, but at least you can figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself and your children.

Good Luck,
Jen

Oh, I'm so sorry. I would be feeling really discouraged too. Are you using a midwife or a doula?
I would tell your husband all of this or write him a letter if you can't express it. You really need to get it out of the way before the delivery.. seriously! He cannot be your coach if he hinders your birth! Maybe take a weekend and leave for a lil vacation away from him to clear your head.

Good Luck! I'm excited for you having a VBAC!

It is time to call in your best girlfriend, or your sister, mom, whoever can come and support you!! Obviously he is wrong, but that may not make him want to improve, so rather that allowing yourself to feel victim to his insults, and feel pressure about his behavior, you let him know that he is always welcome to be there, but that you need to do what is best for you. And now, there are 2 other kids to worry about too, so it might be easiest for them during this time, if at least he were able to spend most of your time away with him, and that your friend is happy to help you out at the hospital. It may sound harsh, but this is not about him! He should listen to you, and support you in the decisions you want. Should you take his ideas into consideration? Sure, but you need what is best for you and the baby..and the other 2 kids. It sounds like he will not be too loving when you get home, and will expect you to gget right back to your responsibilities, which will be a lot easier if you have had an easier labor (which may mean an epiidural) just to save you from some of the exhaustion. I am so sorry for you, and know that although your hormones may be making you more sensitive to his insulting behavior, he is still wrong. PERIOD! Get out, go do something fun for yourself, and try to relax, even if it is for only an hour. ~A.~

Dear W.,

I think that your hormones may be affecting you a bit, but certainly not speaking for your husband.

I may be wrong, but it sounds to me that there is a lot more going on here besides the pregnancy. The comments and actions from your husband are hurtful.

A few questions...does he treat you like that when you're not pregnant? Negative comments like that, lack of respect? A third child coming into this world will add another dimension to your relationship.

Perhaps a discussion with him .. how you both feel, your concerns with your relationship, the delivery, etc. If this is certainly bigger than the pregnancy, I would suggest contacing a counselor or pastor.

Regarding the criticism of the previous labors, has he talked with your doctor? Perhaps your doctor can explain why things went the way they did .. certainly not you fault! I intended to labor without medicine and with other complications, it didn't work out that way. (In earlier times, I would have most likely died in childbirth .. modern medicine has it's advantages)

Anyway, W., please do what you need to do to strengthen your bond together.

I wish you health in the last weeks of your pregnancy.

Good luck!

I can somehwat sympathize with what you are going through. We went to a couple sessions of marraige counseling and it helped tremendously.

I would strongly advise to do seek help now before the baby comes, as that will put more strain on your marraige. Obviously you are hormonal... but I don't think his expectations of you are reasonable (come on, getting mad b/c you wanted pain meds?!)

Also, he is acting unhappey and siad he hasn't liked you in a long time, that is no reflection of pregnancy hormones. Sorry to hear this and I hope that you two can seek a resolution together.

The reason I don't think it's hormonal (though I'm sure your hormones are making this even more intense for you!) is that your husband isn't pregnant and he's clearly saying rude and hurtful things to you. If my husband ever told me that he hasn't liked me for a long time, that would break my heart! It wouldn't matter if I was pregnant or not - that is RUDE and it HURTS.

If you're wanting opinions, this is what I seriously think I would do. I would NOT have him as a support person. My reasoning is because he is NOT a support person for you. He's not magically going to be one during the labor. You need someone who can emotionally connect with you and calm you and talk you through your contractions and be encouraging and uplifting, etc. He does not sound like the right type of person to be doing that.

I would highly recommend getting a doula. If you don't have the money, I know of some doulas that are training and would be free right now. I really REALLY REALLY don't think it would be a good idea to rely on your dh to be a good coach during the labor!

We did the Bradley Method as well and it worked great. I am kind of picking about who can be around me while I'm in labor and definitely NOT anyone who is judgmental or rude could ever be there and me be able to labor normally...

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Have you guys considered marriage counseling? Not saying your marriage is horrible or on the verge or breaking up, but marriage counseling can offer some really good advice and suggestions to help you guys treat each other in ways that encourages you to like each other.

Also, there is a really really good book that I would HIGHLY suggest reading. It's called "The Five Languages of Love" (or the Five Love Languages?). It talks about how people interpret love different than each other. So, where one person might feel loved by their spouse cleaning the house for them, another person might not feel loved that they. Their "love language" might be more if their spouse praised them and encouraged them...whereas that might mean nothing to someone else. So, the book helps you figure out your love languages and you learn how to love your spouse according to the way that THEY feel loved. Did that even make sense? It's a really quick and easy read and REALLy interesting and helpful.

Good luck with everything. I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this.

You are NOT harmonal, he is an idiot. If he becomes a problem in labor tell the nurses to make him leave. Their only concern is the health of the baby and mom. If he's more stress than help, he needs to leave.

L.

First of all you are not to be mowing the lawn missy!!! Your dr would have a cow about that one!

Second, I am sorry, but your DH sounds very rude...tell him to carry 3 babies and give birth and see how well he does things....not to mention, do everything else. Who lets their 33 week prego wife mow the yard???

I am sure my husband does not like me sometimes (I am 32 weeks prego), but he does not tell me mean things like that!! I don't mean to put all the blame on your hubby, I am sure you do things that are not nice too, but I don't think not having a VBAC and needing to take drugs for the pain is ANY reason for your husband to belittle you about!! I am not able to have a VBAC according to my dr, and that is fine....it's just how it goes! I didnt' want the downtime b/c I have a 16 month old, but you do what you have to do!

I would really sit him down and tell him you are really not wanting him in the room b/c of the way he is acting, but also let him know YOU DO WANT HIM THERE b/c you love him,and this is your child together.

I have strong opinions on this issue, I am sorry if I offended you, but the lack of respect your husband is showing you is quite disgusting!!!

Hello W.,
I understand. Completely. He should not put you "at fault." My recommendation is to pick up the bible and draw comfort from God's word at this time. Trust me, He is with you. As far as your husband, you can only control your own actions, and if you do them with loving kindness, you know you are doing the right thing, and take JOY from that. You cannot control his behavior. If this is a long term problem, with him blaming you for everything, you probably need to go see a marriage counselor.

No you are not being harmonal, he is being VERY insinsitive, plus a lot of other things. Try communicating with him about how hard it is for a pregnant woman to do things she can do when not pregnant, and you were trying to be helpful in mowing, sorry that he didn't appreciate it, and YOU are the one in delivery and going through pain, it is YOUR choice. I don't know if a letter wrote to him would help, if he doesn't talk with you kindly, or get a counsilor or pastor to talk with the two of you. I think he is WAY Off base, and frankly doesn't sound like a nice person.

W.,

I had four children and your husband sounds like a really immature man. You need to do what you have too to get through this time. You may need to have the Dr have a talk with him so that he can be more supportive during the labor. He may also take advise from a man better than from a woman. My husband and I have been married for 27 years and it sounds like ya'll need to see a marriage therapist. It was the best money my husband and I ever spent. He really helped us learn how to talk to each other and communicate our needs and feelings. I would not still be married if we hadn't had counceling.

I apologize I didn't have time to read through all the responses that you received, but I wanted to bring something to your attention. Have you ever read about OCPD? do a search when you get a chance, and see if the description fits your husband... I am not trying to be offensive, just trying to help. Good luck sweetie. I would also like to add that not everything is your fault!

Dear W., it seems like you may have hit a rough patch. First of all you need to love yourself and be your own best friend. Go to God in prayer and ask him to lead you and commit to following his guidance. Read your Bible in Psalms--find the ones that are just talking about how great God is! You'll be amazed at how uplifting it is. it sounds like you did a nice thing to mow the yard. i'm sorry he hurt your feelings. It may be that he feels you don't believe in him? I don't know but I do believe men are wired to need to feel like their woman's hero. God bless-and hang in there-you have a big family that needs y'all to be a team!

i'm praying 4 u!
R. W.