Feeling Trapped. How Does One Start over from Square One?

I'm sure this varies by state, but in Ohio a single mom can get all sorts of help, even if still legally married. Food stamps, help with paying child care costs, insurance......AND they will file the paperwork for child support. I left my abusive husband and didn't actually divorce him for 7 years due to the cost, received child support the entire time, well when he worked. It isn't easy to leave, I had just had my 3rd child when I finally got the guts to leave, no place to go, hadn't been allowed to work, no car, mountains of debt. That was 8 years ago, I now own a home, (which I bought before meeting my second husband), have a psychology degree and am working on my bachelors, and am expecting baby number 4.
having lived in San Diego, I know a lot of areas have decent public transportation, and any job is better than nothing. Call your local job and family services, start the paperwork, get some applications out, even if it's at mcdonalds or walmart, and start looking for a place to live, or even a roommate or family member to stay with. Join a church, and get involved, get the kids involved, and don't be afraid to ask for help. if you are strong enough to be surviving where you are you are strong enough to leave.

Make SURE... that you do NOT tell your Husband of any plans you have... to leave.
Some Men... will become violent or retaliate or even abusive, if they think "their woman" is leaving and/or trying to become independent.

THINK IT OUT WISELY.. .and make plans. For YOU. Save any money you can.
TELL your close friends and your own family/siblings/parents.... or go to a local Church etc and see if they can help.
Some YWCA's have lodging for women.... too.
Ask a women's shelter of any advice/resources you can enroll in etc.

Be VERY careful... DO NOT tell your Husband....
Some men... can become very violent... when they think their wife and child are leaving... them.
AND, some women have even been killed over it....

Your Husband, has "arrested development"... it is not like he is going to grow up over night... and become, mature or responsible.

what i am going to tell you is sneaky and kinda underminded but this is what I had to do to get out of an abusive realtionship. file a joint tax return have him sign it and keep the money. wrong i know but that was my only way out. get on a hud list now it takes about 6 months to get a place and it should time out with the tax returns. get a storage shed and start sneaking things out. slowly. find you a job and set up a day care that will be state paid for. make sure the storage shed bill goes to a friend or family member and not to your house. my storage guy told me to do this cause he had a girl get caught one time cause huband opened the bill and confronted him. find your food banks and churches that give clothing away. the things you sneak out first are things he wont miss. find several male friends with pickups who dont know your husband so they wont snitch you out and set them up for when he gets served you can move while he is at work I had 15 people and 2 vans and 4 pickups . keep your cool dont get in a hurry this takes time. use your taxes to pay for your attorney. good luck and god speed

I hope this does't come off as sounding rude, but why aren't you working? I understand wanting to stay at home with the kids, but someone has to work in your household. I stayed at home the first year of my daughter's life when my husband came to me and said we were sinking fast financially. I didn't want to, but I went back to work. I also work opposite my husband so we need almost no help with babysitting. I have no life - its all work or kids, but sometimes you have to suck it up and live a life that's not best for you, but best for the kids. Do you really think living off your MIL and the government is what's best?

A stay at home mom should be able to afford it. The husband usually has a decent job and they live off of a budget of their own, not someone elses handouts. Some families go without the fancy cars and they cut coupons to make it happen. The point is, if you can make it work - awesome. You and your husband are not making it happen by living in someone elses 2 bedroom with nearly 3 kids!!!!

You ask how do you start from square 1 - the answer is get a job. All retail stores are hiring holiday help. If you are good, they'll keep you on after the holidays. You still have 3 months before baby comes and if you are in good health - there is no reason to not go for it. If you absolutely can't get a job right now, then start a plan now for your future life and stick with it. Go job hunting as soon as you heal from giving birth.

You have to stop depending on others and take ownership of your life. You brought your kids into this world - no one else did. So get up and take care of them on every level. It is your job to raise them, pay for them and love them. A mother is more than a diaper changer and a person to clean the kitchen. Sometimes she has to be the breadwinner too.

You are bright and smart. Find somewhere else to stay until you can get yourself stabilized financially and can raise your family in a healthy environment. You can't just point fingers at your lazy husband, you created this life too.

I wish you the best, be strong, you CAN do this! You and your kids are worth this!

i would leave. see if you can goto your familes house with the condition that you look for a job after the baby is born. he isnt being a father and the kids are learning bad habits from him. he doesnt have to be cut out of the kids life or yours you just dont have to live with him and his excuses.

First-you need to get out of that 2 br bungalow...you have got to be going crazy in that place with all of those people. Second-I understand this is not a good economy but surely there are better places to live than in CA where the cost of living is through the roof and jobs are scarce. If I were you I would get online and start researching other areas of the country where you can have a shot at success. You can always move back to CA when things get better. ( If you are interested in PA there are tons of high paying unskilled jobs that are opening up because of the drilling of the Marcellus Shale. I heard on a talk show that these jobs will pay $60k per year for no education jobs. And the cost of living here is great.) Third-my husband is perhaps the sweetest most wonderful dad and husband that you could ever find. He does SO much for me and is an equal partner in all parenting. HOWEVER-he cannot manage to watch the kids and keep the house clean at the same time!! I have given up even trying. I really feel that men have a different sense of priority thatn we do. To my husband, he thinks-I will get to those dishes and the mess I made making dinner later-no big deal. and he is perfectly ok with hanging out with a gross kitchen all day. Not us though. I could never walk away from the kitchen after a meal unless it was clean.

Hi G.,
You sound like a sensible, intelligent woman. And with those qualities you can exist on your own and support your children. There is help for those that need it.
O. thing that really caught my attention is that since 2008 you have been living with extended family, on unemployment benefits, in very little space and have a $400 car payment. ???!!! What? That's NUTS. How do you justify that when you're living with family in a 2BR bungalow?
Do you think if you were living in your own home, with your husband making enough to support you comfortably (not lavishly, but comfortably), and you were able to focus on your home, kids, etc. that you WOULD be happy or happier with your husband? I guess what I'm getting at is to consider if this is a financial stress issue or something more.
If it is mostly financial, then you guys need to work together to formulate a plan...for an exit from mom's house, from debt, to earning.
If you envision that you would feel the same if the financial issues disappeared, then I would suggest counseling for both of you or if he won't go--go by yourself.
He does sound a little immature, but I really don't think that ANY man will multi-task like a mom does. It's always a little like pay me now or pay me later when we leave the house for periods of time. I often come home to a mess like you described....
Wishing you clarity and all the best...

HI G.,

I don't have much time to respond, but I would suggest that you call Haven House, your local domestic violence agency. ###-###-####

You don't need to be beaten black and blue to qualify for services. At the very least you can get some idea of what resources would be available to you should you choose to leave, and some suggestions on how to do it most safely. DO NOT tell your husband of your plans. Also, you should probably be using the computer at the library to do any sort of research so that he can not track your search history.

I'll try to write more later, or e-mail me for more info.

Best of luck to you1
C.

I feel your pain. All though my husband is a little like yours mine listens to me when we have a problem. Recently he has had some really bad anger outbursts at me and I am almost 4 month pregnant with our second child. We have a 7 month old son. I don't work and he pays my $280 car payment and Insurance. My husband is in the military so I know he is under a lot of stress and we just moved to South Korea for 3 years. I told him the other night I had had enough of his anger and him taking out his stresses of work out on me. I told him if he didn't get help I would take our son and leave. He shaped up right then and the next day he called and made an appointment for stress and anger management.
Sometimes it take me weeks just to get him to do the dishes. I am really sick with this baby and I am not really allowed to do much. I do what I can but he would rather sit and play on his computer and Nintindo DS. He does help with our son and loves playing with him.
But your husband sound down right childish. Maybe you need to cut your losses with the car. Is there a bus system where you can go and look for a job or maybe you could look on the internet. Maybe you could ask a close friend or relative if they wouldn't mind then watching your kids while you do that and maybe repay them by inviting them to dinner at your house. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and go. I did with my ex and lost a really expensive dresser from Eddy Bower. My ex used it for target practice with his throwing stars and knives.
I know if I were to leave my husband I would lose my car, but I have family I can live with, Plus WIC helps too. so the kids will have food. But we are working our problems out. It sounds like your husband needs to get rid of his bruised ego and be a man not a sissy. I wouldn't stay around, since all he wants to do is play and then punish the kids for trying to care for themselves. Think of your kids they are more important then your marriage. Good luck

Sounds to me like your husband is acting like a child, and wants to be one. When you're a child, you have no responsibilities. I think the ego thing is a cop out. Since, he shuts down when you try to talk to him, maybe try a letter. If he still feels "yelled at" then he is denial that there is a problem with his actions. He needs to "be a man" and take care of his responsibility. In the meantime, start looking for other options. Does his mother work? If not, would she be willing to help out with childcare so you could?Do you have any other family/friends nearby that could help?Could you trade services for childcare? Just some ideas. If you get to a better place, and he is still not being a grown-up, then you might have more options available to you to be able to change your situation. With or without him.

First of all, I would like to thank you and show my appreciation for the proper spelling and grammatically correct sentences in your letter. It's becoming so rare now it's nice when it happens. With that said, I think you need to start working. I know that it is hard while you are pregnant, however, you can start doing all that you need to do to prepare. Get your resume ready and updated, start looking at what jobs are available, look into a computer class to update your skills, etc.
I don't get the feeling that your husband is abusive, I just think he is immature and insecure. I'm sure living with his Mother is not helping him feel manly. If he does get upset about you making changes just tell him that you have been waiting for two years for him to get this family back on track. Tell him that this family needs a hero and you are stepping up to the plate, you and the kids can not live like this anymore. He can choose to plug in and be part of the solution, but if he doesn't then that is his loss.
Start doing what you need to do for you and the children and let him fall where he may.
Good luck and all the best to you.