Fiance Planning to Get 'Clipped'

I think you have already answered your own question. You don't want to deceive him and you want another baby. Talk it out with him. If he just wants to do a "radical" birth control procedure b/c of your sex drive, get off the shot and try another method. It may not be so convenient but there are millions of couples that use condoms, or use the ovulation/temperature chart, or the woman has an IUD... Don't give up on having a third baby.

What about seeking an alternate option of birth control until the both of you are sure you dont want more children? Something that wont kill your sex drive. Just a hunch that he misses intimacy with you and wants that back. Talk to him...that is the most important thing we can do in our relationships. Dont sneak and not get your shot...getting pregnant wont "fix" the problem. We are currently pregnant and expecting our first together and my sex drive has been little to nothing, but we talk about it and try to work things out. I love to please my husband and sometimes I have to put him before me and make sure he is satisfied. He deserves to feel the way I do when he initiates sexual relations with me...so I just return the favor...of course once things get going...Im just as "in the mood" as he is :o)

You already did your 'so what happened' message, but it sure doesn't sound resolved. This situation isn't going to go away. And there are more things (more important things) going on than a decision about having a child:
-commitment issues (is he committed to you? when are you getting married?)
-bedroom/intimacy issues (I understand the BC libido issues, I have them myself.. but you need to have a heart to heart about this as well, and look into other contraception. No vasectomy!!)

Once those issues are resolved and you have a healthy relationship in the bedroom and otherwise, I would proceed with discussions about adding to your family, assuming you would want to wait until after the marriage to do so. Please don't despair and become resentful over the issue of a child. You have other things to figure out first. If it's meant to be, you'll work it out. Good luck to you guys.!

Hi P.,

It is such a hard thing to decide to have another child and when! Can't you guys come to a compromise about this. Maybe he could comprimise by putting off getting clipped until you are both sure you are done having children. In return, you could compromise by using another form of birth control until you are both ready for another child or decide that you are done. Talk to your doctor about the problem and see what they suggest and evaluate all the alternatives. Are you sure the shot is the reason for the lack of sex drive? You are raising two girls, working full time, have a business and going to school. That is an extremely heavy load! Please don't try to "trick" him into having another child while he is not ready. The truth usually comes out and you may not want to pay the concequences for deception.

The key here is to TALK it out With him!!!! Don't go behind his back. That will make him wonder what else you are not telling him. Its not just your decision. Good luck!!!

That is a tough one. I know you feel like you have to do what you think is right no matter what with him but, I can tell you that deceiving him will bite you in the backside eventually. You won't feel good about it and if he found out it could damage your relationship. If you really want a third (and aren't just afraid that the choice isn't there), then I would absolutely negotiate with him. If he still says no, take him to counseling so he will fully understand that you really do want another, otherwise it may become a control issue. That wouldn't be good for anyone.
Very seriously consider all the options and just be as honest as you can with him about it. If he is committed to you then he will at least listen to your desire.

I think it would be very deceptive. If you both can't agree on another child, then something is wrong here. We're not talking about getting a puppy or a new pair of shoes! Keep talking, be open, figure out way your sex drive is super low...is it really the shot? Plan some uninterrupted time together and let him know that you have considered this. Whatever you do...talk about it! You're a team!

You really need to think hard about your relationship before making any decision to go behind your fiance's back to get pregnant. Be open and honest with him and yourself.

If he is insistent on getting clipped and at some point down the road you both decide that you want a 3rd child, there is always invitro fertilization.

Sounds like you two need to sit down and have a serious talk. Tell him how you feel and let him tell you how he feels. If you were to skip your shot and get pregnant it may cause issues in the relationship. This is definitely a matter that needs serious thought and consideration and most of all discussion between you both. If you both do want another child then have the last one and let him get his vasectomy done after the 3rd child. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you two.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.

SHOW him your post on this website - let him read what you are feeling and he will see that you really want another child and that you don't want to be deceptive but don't want to miss out on your last chance to have another... no matter what your girls do, that should have NOTHING to do with #3.

Be totally open and honest ALWAYS!

You have "become ONE until death do YOU part" you have to understand each other and make these decisions together.

my amendment... I just saw your update. Have you asked him WHY he doesn't want another child?

You should reminisce and look back at pictures of when your girls were little and when you two were first together. That is a good place to start anytime that there is something bothering either you.

I am very concerned about your line of thinking on this issue. You mention getting pregnant without his knowing so you won't resent him for not having a third child, but have you really considered how he might resent you for going behind his back? You are on a really slippery slope here.... If this man is the love of your life and your soul mate, you need to find another solution TOGETHER!! I have talked to many people in your situation and if the couple doesn't communicate it can only spell disaster for themselves and the new innocent child brought into the mix. Think about that child for a moment, you want another for your own self, but think of the ramifications about trapping your fiance' into another. If the issue is your sex life, there are ways around it. I managed to not get pregnant until I wanted to using a combination of non-hormone based birth control. It can be done and you can plan your nest child as a couple, the way it should be. Good Luck and God Bless you.

If your fiance is basing his decision on your lowered sex drive, perhaps you might consider switching to another form of birth control? They make IUDs that are extremely effective.

HONESTY....just explain to him that you REALLY want another child and PRAY for it. LIES WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE!

P., I'm just curious about how honest you were with your fiance about your feelings when you discussed this issue. Does he really know how important a 3rd child is to you? I appreciate your desire to make him happy, but what about your broken heart? Does he know this is breaking your heart?
If he really is dead set on his decision, are there other ways you can get your "baby fix" like babysitting or helping in the nursery at church? Have you ever considered being a foster parent? Would your fiance be open to that since it isn't a permanent commitment to parenting? Just some food for thought...

Depo is not the only form of birth control, #1. If you are having sex drives issues talk to your physician to see what can be done to alter your problem.
Going behind his back is never a good idea. You will be creating a problem that will never go away with trust issues.
You two have to sit down and talk about this seriously. Let him know you definitely do not want him to get "clipped" at this time because you really do want to have a third child.
Seems to me you two have to resolve the sex drive issue, then the third child issue before you can determine to bring a third child into the picture.
As a side question, why aren't you married yet???

P. R

Go get pregnant :). Accidents happen, shots don't work, he will never know and you'll both be happier.

So you would go behind his back just to get preganant again? That's low. I think that if you have a communicating relationship you should be able to discuss your concerns and come up with a solution that you both are happy with. I wouldn't suggest go behind his back thing...that never turns out positive. I think you are also looking at a number...to determine your happiness. Why do u have to have three kids. I wanted 5...but I only have two...and if I had one more I am cool with that. I think you are getting caught up on a number more than the love and family that you already have. If you do or dont have a third child that shouldn't change that you have a family of four. And the things that you do in that family of four is what matters. If you have a third...then they will enter a family filled with love, quality, and most importantly base on honesty. They will experience parents that can talk things out and not be deceptive. Just my opinion...not gold.

Instead of using DepoProvera as your birthcontrol use another form. If you use birthcontrol pills you will find that you will have a more normal sex drive. You could also try a barrier method of birthcontrol and take the hormones out of the picture all together. I find that DepoProvera has a lot of side effects and it is not a good method of birthcontrol.

This is something that only you and your husband can get resolved. You can't just plan stuff behind his back though, that's not what a marriage is built on. Just talk to him about it. Tell him you're unsure, ask him if you and him should try to have a baby one more time before you make any decisions. There's no point in fuming over it, just talk it out, you guys will be able to come to a conclusion....

You sound so much like my best friend! He husband had it done after they had 2 little girls. He had his vasectomy against her wishes and several years later they both really regretted it, and thought about the $8,000 reversal but decided they couldn't afford it, and the Dr only gave him a 50% chance of success anyway. She really regrets it.

My husband and I were SURE we were done after our first 2. I was 29, he was 30. But 5 years later I really wanted another one and now have a wonderful 3 month old. My husband adores him more than any of our others!!! I'm so glad he didn't get snipped when we thought about it 5 years ago!

Maybe you could find another birth control option that you could use until you both know what you want? Talk to your OB!

If having a third child is something that you truly want, do you really want to have the child with someone who won't want it? He may figgure it out if you don't take the shot, and where would that leave you? Alone with three kids?

On the other side, you need to have an open honest discussion with him about your desire for a third child. He may feel just as firmly against having anymore children, and if that's the case, you need to decide what would be the better way for you to go - get married and be happy with 3 kids, or move on to find someone that wants to have another child with you.

good luck

I think your mom is right in that you need to follow your heart - obviously, you are very young still - and not sure if you want to have more kids or not. You need to have a heart-to-heart with your fiance and tell him how you feel and ask him to delay the procedure.

Can you use other forms of birth control? That might be the best way to go so that you get your sex drive back and you can both decide when, and if, there is a right time to have a baby -- together. There is no guarantee you will get pregnant just b/c you didn't have the shot....and if he gets snipped - there goes your chances....

Not telling him you are not getting the shot is not the right answer. The foundation of a marriage is trust. You need to communicate with him. Neither of you can make a decision as permanent as getting "snipped" or "having another baby" without your partner's support. It's not fair to either of you. I'm afraid you would both blame the other if either of you made a decision in a vacuum. Good Luck! Talk to him! If he's your soul mate - then this shouldn't be an issue -- because you should be able to talk to him about anything and everything...

I am not a big fan of the depo shot, I gained 100 llbs in less than 10 months on the shot. I just went to taking a pill. Ayways, I would not go behind his back and try to get pregnant for the last time. When we had our third child I was done. I knew I was done my body could not take it any more. My hubby (we were not married at that time) was so upset with me but he understood why I did not want anymore children. Til this day I still look at all the baby boys and wonder why I did it?? Should I of waited?? Did I do the right thing?? Then I look back and remember how bad each pregnancy got.

Sit down and just be open and honest with you husband. Let him know how you feel deep inside. Ask him if this is what he really wants. If it is just for the sex drive honey change birth control plans. (What about the YAZ birth control??) I don't know much about it is a new one I think.

With all the little things that go on between the 2 girls now are just little things. They might seem major but one day you will look back and say ahhhh it was not that bad. I am doing it know. I always thought I only wanted 2 children and to add a 3rd to the bunch oh my I just did not think I could do it. But to look back now she is 19 months old. I don't know what I would do with out her.

Just remember to be open and honest and I hope that your husband will be open and honest with you also.

Good luck.

HONESTY! Always the best policy! If your beau doesn't want to produce anymore children you should respect his wishes, he may change his mind and have a reversal, or there are thousands of kids out there that need to be adopted, so you can really lend the world a helping hand by doing that. We always knew that we would have two children, to replace myself and spouse, and then my husband got a vasectomy and I didn't have to take birth control ever again and it is the ABSOLUTE best!! I am grateful to my husband for going through that, but it is a decision we made together, you should have a serious sit down with your guy.
PEACE!

I know I'm responding a little late, but I read your "so what happened" and my first thought is - get a different method of birth control. I can personally recommend the ring. This is not something that alot of people know about yet, but I have been on it for 2 years, and it is wonderful. You put one in and forget about it until 3 weeks later, then you take it out for 1 week, have your period, put it back in. Simple, no remembering to take the pill, and you cannot feel it, not even during sex. Although you can take it out for a few hours at a time and it does not hurt anything. I would talk to your GYN about this option. It has no sexual side effects that I have noticed. Good luck.

It sounds to me like the most important thing to him would be for your sex drive to return. Sounds like deep down he would really like to have another child but it seems he may be feeling rejected. I would talk to him. Really talk to him and see if this is his problem. If it is, tell him that you will go off the shot and talk to your doc about how to increase your drive again. Ask him if he can give you a specified amount of time to accomplish this. Ask him if it can just be put on hold and thought about for a while, like 6 months or something. It really just sounds like a communication thing and that he is falling on desperate measures to get a little bedroom attention. Sorry, I'm putting this all as mildly as I know how and I'm sorry if anyone is offended. I do hope this helps though. Shannon

Don't go behind his back. If the shot has a negative effect try something else. There is a ton of stuff out there these days. My husband told me he wanted kids, then changed his mind a year later - this was not an option for me. So I had always told him we were going to have a kid (we've been married now 5 yrs) well, I said I'm going to quit taking the pill next month and if don't want to have kids we won't have sex. Of course - he wasn't going to go w/o and now I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant and he's thrilled! This is his first my second baby. My son is 7. Tell him upfront - I want another kid, I'll change the birthcontrol I'm on - hold off on the procedure and see what he says.
Good luck!

Why not look into an alternative method of conception for a few years? There are non-hormonal birth control methods, such as an IUD or even condoms, that work as effectively as the depo shot.

That way, if you do decide to have more, you can. If you end up deciding later to not have more, then at that time, you can look into it.

M.

You might still have a chance even after he does this thing
he wants to do. My husband had it done when our daugther
was about 3 months old, it is something we have regretted,
if I would have just I don't want you to do it the Dr would
not have done, anyway back to what I started to say, a man is
infertial right away. There is one more thought though
that maybe he isn't the right man for you. I've heard that 2
things that can drive a couple apart are money and kids.
When is he getting it done? Hope I helped you alittle.
Wishing you the best in everything.
K.

P., you've gotten lots of good advice. The one point no one else has made is that you are YOUNG! And BUSY! You have two kids, you work full time, you have your own business, AND you're a part-time student! You ROCK! But you are also 29. Tell your finace not to get "clipped"...change your birth control...and do other things for a few years. Work on your business...finish school. By doing that, you will be set financially, for you and your kids. THEN think about whether you want to have more kids. You and your husband (by then, I'd guess) will have new ideas about what you want. And you have PLENTY of time. I'd say you have 6-8 years to make up your mind about this. I had my first at 38, and my second at 44!!

Hi P., I am sorry, I did not have time to read all the responses, so if I re-iterate, I apologise. I had my tubes tied after the birth of our 4th child, my 3rd biological. I was 37 years old, we had 4 child, ages 18, 15, almost3, and our newborn. We knew we didnt want any more. Our daughter, my only biological daughter, passed away at 75 days of age due to SIDS. You are so much younger than I, please do not do anything permanant yet, how we yearn for anouther child. Adoption is a minimal $20,000, and in-vitro is even more, a tubul reversal is approx. the same, so I assume a vasectomy reversal is just a little less, and none are guareenteed, and none are covered by insurance. I know, I have checked every option out there. I cant even put a birth mother on my insurance to adopt her baby. So that is WAY over $20,000. Let your Fiance know you will switch birthcontrol, I used a diaphram fo years and loved it,the Pill never agreed w/ me, there are alot of options out there, like the IUD, which you dont even have to think about, but your sex-drive will come back. Same with the diaghram, you just need to remember to insert it,please dont "just" get pregnant, maybe it just isnt the best time, if you would like to talk, or if your Fiance would like to talk to my husband, he was willing to do the vasectomy, just let me know. If it is in your heart to have anouther child, you WILL forever regret not having that baby.I just turned 40, I am still trying adopt, I want anouther child that bad. (Ya, if it happened this year, I will be 58 when it graduates HS, 62-64 when it graduates College, I will probably have grandchilren that age. that is how much I want anouther child.)PLEASE think first. My email is ____@____.com. I will be happy to have my husband, who wants anouther as much as I do, talk to you or your fiance. And I am here. Dont burn your bridges. Good Luck, God Bless, A.

P.,

So you've decided to harbor resentment for the rest of your life.

Why? Why put yourself through that? Why not talk to him again? This is not a subject you can talk about once and be done with. This is an ongoing conversation you have to have with your fiance. I'm sure he knows (or does he?) how strongly you feel about having another child. Keep at it and find an answer you can both be at peace with.

I have two beautiful children. At times I would love to have another one. Other times, I feel I've got as much as I can possibly handle and one more would be out of the question. My husband and I have decided that we wont have any more, but yes ... there will always be that longing. I think it's just part of the makeup of being a woman. The indescribable joy of that sweet little infant in your arms. Those little fingers, those little eyes, the little smile you get ... and to know that that tiny person is a part of you. And that you will fiercely protect this little soul till your dying day. I have to tell you, that longing for children never goes away. ... maybe for some, but a lot of women live with it for the rest of their lives. So at least know that the maternal feeling you are having is very normal.

Absolutely do not go behind his back, but let him know how you feel. And come to a conclusion you are both happy with, not just settling for.

Good luck to you and your family,
J.

Talk to him, talk to him, talk to him! Tell him exactly how you feel. And if your feelings/opinion do not matter then why are you engaged to him - they should matter when it comes to issues like this.

It sounds like there are some deeper issues between you to - please please please seek some couples counseling before either of you do anything dramatic.

Tell him. Tell him. Tell him. Don't let him dismiss your thoughts. Tell him. Good luck!

that is deceptive and NOT a good idea. Honesty is the best policy and you need to talk to him before he has the procedure done. Would you like it if he deceived you in some way? If he found out that you "tricked" him, he would hold it against you forever, the same as if you might resent him if he had it done and you may resent him because you want another child. If you love him and you want to spend the rest of your life with him, then talk to him. Communication is so important in a marriage, and so is trust.

Engaged??? 2 children??? Get married and have one more child.
Skip the shot and get pregnant on your wedding night or around there. Tell your husband you would like one more child.
Ask him not to get 'clipped' just yet. Talk it out - tell each
other what you want. Get married. How long have you been living together??

Be honost with him. Don't go behind his back. You've been engated for 4-1/2 years, if that's any indication of how long it takes for him to do things... he probably won't be in a hurry to get snipped! :-D You stated he has also talked about a 3rd, his concern is probably your sex drive. See if he will agree to hold off until after the birth of a third child before he gets snipped. But honosty is the best road to take.

PLEASE, PLEASE, check out ccli.org for a great resource on this topic. God Bless, M.

I would think first about the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy (by your fiance) on a third child. It is hard enough to be a parent when you plan for it, but to go behind your fiance's back and get pregnant on purpose would have a long-term effect on the baby that he wasn't prepared to have. He may be able to suck it up and deal with the fact that you guys are going to have another, but it would definately effect the way he felt about the pregnancy, the baby and you. Especially if he found out about you missing the shot. Just my two cents, but this doesn't seem like a great way to go into a marriage. I agree that it isn't fair that he is thinking about a vasectomy without your consent. Maybe you can talk him into waiting a year, and promise that at the end of that time, you will agree to it if you both are clear that you don't want another child.

Is there a reason that you have to get the Depo shot? There are MANY different birth controls for women these days, MANY different types of pills. Why not switch to another form of birth control to see if your body reacts differently & your sex drive comes back? Discuss this with your fiance so he knows you are giving an effort to change this part of your relationship - it will probably take a few months for your body to "change" with the pill, so don't let him expect immediate response to switching to the pill.

P.,
ok just to start i have 5 kids well i thought i didn't want anymore well i am the one who wanted the hubby to get fixed well know i regret it. i wish i would of got to IUD and than well than i would have 3-5 years to think about it and than well maybe but i wish i would not of had him get it done. so please remember wanting a child will not go away. i have 5 and wish that i could have another and well can't do it. i hope this helps

This is the man you want to marry and you are trying to deceive him about a baby? a child he would be taking care of for the next 20 years?
You stated that he wants you off the Depo shot because it has killed your sex drive. There are other ways of birth control. If you deceive him and have a child, I'm guessing he will never marry you. If it is just more sex he wants, it would be better to deceive him about that- you know pretend you want it, pretend you love it, pretend you are enjoying it and avail yourself to him whenever his mood strikes, than to trick him into having a baby.
I hope this helps. Good luck!

That is great that you are being so unselfish, but maybe you should ask your fiance why your desires are less important than his. Regret is something you will live with for a long time and who knows what feelings will come from it.

No matter what your heart says......DECEPTION IS NOT the answer!!! It can destroy your future! If you are thinking about it, talk about it. You'll have a better understandin of what you want/need to do after you talk. Who knows, you both may be in agreement. HOWEVER...under NO circumstances should you go behind his back! He may never trust you again.

Regardless.....there are PLENTY of children who need adopted. I have a close friend who has adopted 2 in less than a year! She just made sure they were on a list in more than one state. They just returned with the second one, born April 5. The first just turned two in February. They couldn't be happier!

Going behind anyone's back is never a good thing. I wanted three kids too and my husband wanted one so we compromised on two before we got married. Many times I wish I could have a third child but then I change my mind when I think that Im saving money for both of them to go to college. They are always very well dressed. I make them home cooked healthy food(I try to buy organic) and then the expense of having another kid saving for college for that kid etc as well as more stress running around dropping everyone off for soccer, dance, school, music etc etc seems overwhelming and I feel that I will a much better mom to just two. My friend who has three kids seems pretty overwhelmed on most days. She says many days she doesnt even have time to take a shower! She is a very laid back kind of person and I think if she is overwhelmed I would probably go crazy with three. My husband is going to get 'clipped' soon too and yes sometimes I still wish I could have three but Im plenty happy with my two. If you can convince him great, if not two is a very good number!

Maybe you should consider working out your impending marriage issues - mainly the fact that you are considering deceiving your fiancee and bringing an innocent child into the world - before deciding whether or not to have baby with him. The fact that you would even consider deceiving your fiancee instead of working through this issue with him is cause for relationship concern. It may not work out the way you want, but wouldn't you rather know that prior to having a baby your fiancee does not want?

Why not consider something like Mirena, which has been talked about a lot on Mamasource lately. It is an incredibly effective form of birth control that is not permanent. It is good for 5 years and it can be taken out quickly if you decide you want to have a baby. This will give you plenty of time to talk things out with your fiance. Don't do something that you (or he) might regret. And P.S. For me, it certainly did not negatively impact sex drive, maybe even positive...Good luck!

I think it is dishonest to try to get pregnant secretly. I used the Paragard IUD and it did not affect my sex drive. It can be in for 10 years. Maybe try a less permanent option for now and talk about having another child later when you are ready.

Your statement actually sounds very selfish. Absolutely do not go off your shot and "trick" him into having another child. It isn't YOUR decision to have another child. IT is up to the BOTH of you. Following your heart would hopefully tell you not to be deceptive to the man that you love. If you want to have a third, let him know, and if he isn't receptive to the idea, then maybe you need to decide what you want more, another child, or to keep the father of your children and your fiance. Be happy with the two blessings that you already have, and don't ever look back and think would've, could've, should've.

Dude, everything else aside, tricking him in to having a child is NOT the way to start a baby's life. Do you think he won't figure it out? The shot is very effective so he's bound to realize you skipped it.
Why not try a non-hormonal BC and see if your sex drive comes back? Mirena is a good long-term option that still gives you the chance to change your mind.

P....I know what you are going through and feeling...I have been in a similar place. I think you need to talk to each other and put all your cards on the table and see what you come up with together. There are certain issues in a relationship that I think are deal breakers and it sounds like this might be for you guys. You say you want a third child but after dealing with certain issues with the girls you change your mind...you need to really think about that statement because the third will most like come with similar issues or a whole new set of issues. We ultimately decided against a third child and my husband went in since his procedure was less invasive then mine...even then I am ashamed to say I held in the back of my mind I could still get pregnant I would just have to find a different guy...horrible I know, but the thoughts were there...then a few years later I had to have a hysterectomy and the third child would become something I would never have...I am not going to say I didn't mourn the loss and there are still times when I think about it, but then I look at the two I have and how busy they keep me and as they get older the more things my husband and I can do together again...and I smile and find contentment in waiting for grandchildren. I am not sure what you will ultimately decide, but if he goes through with it before you are really on board or you trick him into a pregnancy...either one is going to damage your relationship and that is not good for the girls you already have. Only the two of you really know your position on the subject and how much you are willing to give or not. I hope you are able to work through it. You might be amazed at all the things you can come up with to occupy your time once you are off the shots, but still don't have to worry about pregnancy. Good luck.

try anther device until u r sure i have the marina good up to five yrs and i love it no side effects at all ask ur doctor be sure of what u both want and its easy to try haveing kids onec its taking out

Do not deceive him, by going off the shot and not telling him it may just ruin your relationship in regards to trust. Talk to him, let him know you would like to try (x amount of months) then after that both of you need to agree, that it will then be okay for him to go get one. This way, you had a chance to have a 3rd and there was still honesty about it.

good luck

Wow. For the simple reason that you are at this crossroads, I would sit back and think about all of this.

1. You both need to come to an agreement about this. Both he needs to hold off getting clipped and you need to get another depo shot (or alternate birth control) to give yourselves time to think and agree on this.

It also is a little extreme that he would do this just because he hates that you have a lower sex drive. Please look at this issue also.

2. If he is the type to go off and have this done, or you are the type to deceve him into having a child that he does not want, you are both throwing up some major red flags and that is not healthy for either of you, nor the two children that you already have. Think long and hard about that.

You said that if you don't have this baby, that you might end up spending the rest of your life 'secretly resenting him' well what if you trick him into having a baby? Don't you think he might secretly resent you, or worse yet, an innocent child?

3. You haven't indicated why you have just been 'engaged' for 4 1/2 years. You already have a child with him, what is the hold up here? If this man truely is your soul mate, why the procrastination?

It really seems like there needs to be some soul searching and compromise on both of your parts before something is done that cannot be undone. I hope that it all turns out for the best, whatever may come.

Good luck,
S.

I would really suggest you not do anything without him knowing. I think that would create more problems in the long run for your marriage. You can always adopt if you decide that you really do want another baby. There are a lot of babies out there that needs good homes and good parents.

Maybe you both need some time to think about this before rushing in to do anything. Since your kids are still so young, you might want to wait a little while longer. Three kids can be quite a handful and I noticed that you are taking classes. Perhaps after you actually get married you will both have a different idea of what you want.

Hope this helps. I know you are in a tight spot.

It sounds like he has a problem with controling things, beleive it or not.
When you have a chance to sit down together, alone with no interruptions, try the pro and con list. My husband, of 29years , and I would have trouble making decisions sometimes. We would take a piece of paper draw a line down the middle .One side Pro the other Con. Write down All your ideas then , compare. Most of all you both need to talk it out. Don't do something that you may regret down the line. Once trust is broken it is almost impossible to get it back.
Good luck to you both and your sweet little girls. I truly hope you can work it out. God Bless you all.