Fighting - Newkirk,OK

Hi, V.
My daugther did the same thing to me, but she is 8. She has always been a very well behaved child and all of a sudden. She walks to and from school when I don't take her. I have had several phone calls feom her teacher this year in regards to her being mean to other kids (Boys that is). She has went to another boys house after school without asking first. This all happened while I was working a part-time job from 4-7 in the evenings. My boyfriend would get home before me so my older ones weren't home for long without me, but they still acted out. I am guessing it is a crave for attention. She has to find some other way to get it. This kind of behavior just doesn't happen out of the blue. If a child is used to a certain lifestyle and that lifestyle changes abruptly then they change as well. Now that you are back at home just give her a little extra attention for a week or so and she should go right back to her old self again. Have a talk with her about the behavior at school. That is all I had to do with my daughter. I had problems with my daughter being picked on when she would be going to and from school and my boyfrined and I finally told her that if they kept it up that she was allowed to defend herself. Things got better and her school was totally involved. Hey the kids at school may be doing something to her that the teacher isn't even aware of. She may be to afraid to tell anyone. She sees their behavior and thinks it's okay for her to do the same. When she comes home from school just ask her how her day went and she may without thinking first tell you something you weren't aware of. Children are interesting little people. This worked for my daughter. Hope everything works out for ya.

L.
Mother of 4

First, let me assure you that you're decision to stay home with the kids isn't causing your daughter problems at school.
Being home can only HELP them. Being able to give her MORE time and MORE attention is a good thing.
That being said, have you noticed her having problems at HOME as well? Or is it just at school?
If this is mostly a school problem, then it's very possible that she's not liking all the competition for the teacher's attention, having to deal with 20-30 other kids, the structured time and politics of the classroom, etc.
There may also likely be a problem with the kids-- someone picking on her, feeling left out, etc.
I think the reason why all the various forms of discipline that you've been trying to use aren't working, are because "discipline" doesn't make the problem go away. The problem (whatever it is) is STILL there, so she's still reacting to it. I hope you don't misunderstand-- she's NEEDS the discipline-- she needs to learn that there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to react and respond to a problem. So disciplining her for hitting, name-calling, or whatever form of misbehavior you were speaking of certainly IS necessary. But if she's constantly having to deal with someone bullying her for example, then (insert your choice of discipline here) isn't going to fix the problem. Do you see what I mean?
A visit to the classroom may prove helpful-- especially if there's a way for you to view the class, WITHOUT being seen by your daughter. If she sees you there, she'll likely not misbehave, then you won't be able to find the triggers.
Incidently, how long of a day is the pre-K class? It would be interesting to note if the misbehavior is happening toward the end of the school day when she's getting tired and/or mentally spent.

Blessings to you and your family,
T.

Hi V., this same thing has been happening with my grandson (hitting). My son had a talk with his son and let him tell him what went on in his own words. Turns out the other child was taking his crayons and he wouldn't give them back so he hit him, but the teacher didn't see WHY he hit him. So his dad told him if it happens again to ask the teacher to tell him to give them back. Preschoolers CAN tell you how they feel and what happened and why they did something. Maybe you could make a visit to the classroom one day and observe your daughter at school. With a class full of kids to keep track of, teachers don't always see everything. Could be that your daughter was provoked by something the other child did or said or she didn't listen to the teacher because the teacher wouldn't listen to her. I'm not saying that happened, but I always gave my kids the benefit of the doubt and let them explain before I punished them on someone elses account of what they had done. At any age your child needs to know that you support them and that you will listen to their side no matter how bad it looks to someone else. Then if punishment is necessary, you can explain why so they will know it is the consequences for their actions. Preschoolers are pretty honest because they don't yet know how not to be. If you ask them why they grabbed a toy away from another kid they will say because I wanted it. lol. My grandson's teacher told his parents when he hit, but she also tells them when he has good days and she tells him too. I know I have said this before lol but we all want to be praised and it makes us try harder so if you tell her how pleased you are with the good things she does, she will want more praise so she will try harder to please you.

It could be anything. While the tendency is to try to figure out what WE are doing wrong, I strongly suggest that you plant yourself in the back of her classroom for a day or two and watch the dynamics - especially since you don't report bad behavior at home. Someone could be bullying her, or something about the teacher's style or the classroom situation could be causing it. She (and the teacher) will be aware of your presence for a few minutes, but she'll eventually forget you're there and things will get to normal. Plan to stay the whole day. Good luck.

I'm sure her behavior could be the result of many things. She's human just like the rest of us and nobody feels good or behaves all the time. It is normal and will happen from time to time. You can try to pin point the cause and analize the situation to the point of frusteration if you choose. Just remember to show her your love by spending quality time with her and make sure you have stable boundries set. Keep her trust, keep her safe, and teach her. If you are doing these things it is unlikely you could be causing her behaivor. This best and most comforting lesson I've learned as a mother so far.

Dear V.:
Is it just school where your daughter is having behavior problems? That would make a difference in how I would approach the situation. If she was acting out both at school and at home, I would take her in for a checkup to make sure something was not physically causing her discomfort. It seems very doubtful to me that your merely quitting your job would be enough to make her want to act up at school. If she is fine at home, I would assume something at school was upsetting her. How do you feel personally about the teacher? Has the teacher had ideas about why this might be going on? If she is clueless as to the reasons, it might be possible for you to arrange for someone that your daughter does not know well to spend some time there observing and their opinion might be helpful. Also, has she always gotten along well at this particular school and with this particular teacher until recently? How long has she been going there? It is important to trust your instincts as a mother. Sometimes a child is just unhappy at a particular school/doesn't get along well with a particular teacher and it is better to pull them out and try again later with another teacher or school, but I would address the above questions first.
J. H.

I agree with the previous post form the preschool director. I've been an elementary teacher for the past 4 years, and have seen several examples of children "acting out" in class, but not necessarily at home. I have no idea if this has been going on at home either, but 4 year olds are very smart. They know that sometimes they can get away with things at school and not at home.
Perhaps she is a little jealous that you are now staying home, and might be wondering "why didn't she stay home with me?" Please don't take that to mean that I am condemning you for not staying home with her! I just mean that 4 year olds can assume that you may not love them as much, just because you didn't get to spend the same amount of time at home with her.
Also, I would just sit and talk with her and honestly ask her if anything else is bothering her. Ask her if she might be having some kind of issues at school, or if something else at home is causing her to feel angry or sad. If she does mention something from school, meet with her teacher and come up with a game plan. It always helps to have close parent/teacher relationships. Only good things can come from that!
I do hope you come down to the root of the problem and that this has helped you somewhat!

Blessings!

L.
Want to have fun and make good money with sootless,gourmet candles?
http://www.candleheaven.org

hi V., i agree with the other 3 moms, talk to her see what you can find out from her. it could be another child or teazing, name calling, it could even be a little girl not playing with her and is playing with some one else or sitting by someone else. just remmeber when you were a little girl, us girls when we are little get upset at the inportant stuff to us but to an adult its silly. also with my own kids when one says "jillie hit me" i always ask what did you do to her, matthew says "i hit her" than i ask why and what is the problem and see if a punishment needs to be handed out. before you hand out the punishment. i would ask all the questions: who, what, why, when, where and then explain the differnt way she could've handled this. and believe me its NOT because you are staying home. i am happy for the moms that are able to stay home and hope the ones that cant find a great place for their kids. hope this helps W. mom of 4

V.,
As a preschool Director, I have seen this sort of thing many times over the last 13yrs. Have there been any other changes in her life other than the you staying home full time? Has anything changed in the classroom? Many times when children experience change in their lives ( good or negative, at home or school) their behavior will temporaily change. Change makes little ones feel their lives aren't as predictable as they feel it ought to be. She probably just needs to be reassured that nothing else will be changing.
Whatever is going on, it is more than likely TEMPORARY and not because you have done anything wrong.
One more thing, has she witnessed anyone being sent home because of negative behavior?

Her knowing you're home and she's not can have something to do with it but I doubt it. My middle boy went through the same thing last year. We even took him to a child therapist for over a year to see what might have sparked this behavior. After extensive testing we finally got a diagnosis of ADHD.

I'm not saying your child is definately ADHD but there probably some impulse control problems going on. Since the 4 year old program isn't mandatory you might just let her stay home so the other kids won't suffer.

Here are the cues our therapist gave us to work with my boy:
we put a star on his table with Stop, Think, Act, Right. We spent weeks giving him cues with "Are you going to be a star?" "It's time to be a STAR, Stop, Think, Act, Right." Then we put shouting, sad and happy faces on tongue depressors, he could pick out how he was feeling and then use one that said CALM on it to calm down before he would get agressive. He had a set at school and at home. We would blow bubbles (minus the acutal bubble solution) in the cars. Once we knew he was secure in those techniques, we would cue him to control himself.

There's a book called The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. I checked it out on tape from the Tulsa Library System, maybe your library can arrange for you to get it loaned to them and checked out to you. It's a good book to use with a 2 year old too. If you do follow the procedures in it, they don't translate well to the classroom so you might consider homeschooling. I didn't and this year we had to rely on medication.