A little background - My ex and I have never gotten along. It's been 6 years since we were together and our boys are almost 9 now. We just recently went to court to formalize our custody and visitation schedule and I know that she is bitter and angry about that (I have more time with the boys now than I ever have).
Okay, so here is the problem. When the boys are with us (I am re-married), we watch movies, read books, etc. Not a ton, because I have kept them pretty sheltered from most media up until now. But we have watched the original three Star Wars movies, plus the first "new" one and have told them that they can watch the second "new" one this summer. I am obsessive about checking commonsensemedia.com, watching the movies ahead of time for content, etc. Same thing with books. My one son got really into Harry Potter this year (in school, mind you) and had gotten through the second book. He started reading the third book and really wanted to read the fourth one so I said I would have to read it first and check with his teacher and let him know. So I did and we (the teacher and I) agreed that the fourth book was probably the last one that he should read at his age. In all of these cases, I tend to err on the side of "let them try it out and if there is fallout - scared feelings, not understanding, etc - then we deal with those feelings as they happen". We also talk a lot about the content - the fight between good and evil, how every person carries the potential for both and it's about the choices you make, etc...the themes in Star Wars and Harry Potter are not all that different as it turns out!
Anyway, his other mother found out about it and FLIPPED OUT. She is barely mentally stable anyway (lots more behind that), but she just went off the deep end. Calling me names, telling me I have no right to let them watch movies and read books without her permission, that I need to ask her first before we do anything. It's just ridiculous. There are a lot of trust issues between us, plus I know she is struggling against the loss of control that comes with having them less. Oh, and she never includes me in ANYthing she does with them. I can barely get information out of her about activities, practices, performances, etc. Much less what they watch on TV when they are with her. And she is hard on the boys too, punishing them for what they do when they are with us.
Sooooo.....after all that, I guess I need to know what your opinions are? I am not going to ask her permission, but I suppose I could do a better job of informing her of what we have watched/read, etc...? What do you think?
UPDATE: Sorry for the confusion - we are both the moms. We were together for 4 years, separated for 6. both considered primary parents. each of us are re-married, and those parents are the step-moms. Both of which have (mercifully) stayed out of it for the most part. if you need to place it in a hetero-normative framework, it is like a divorced mom/dad situation. :)
You cannot protect kids from the big scary world. But by over censoring what they watch/read you can scare them.
As far as the kids activities go, go to their school and any other places they have events and ask to be put on the email list so you are notified when something come up.
She is overstepping her boundaries, you are their parent, not their babysitter. And your choices are perfectly fine. My boys are 7 and 9 and as a family we have watched all the star wars and Harry potter movies, for reading we just finished the hobbit and are working on lord of the rings. I even let my boys (with us) watch PG13, we just watch with them so we can talk about any scenes that may be a little more grown up. In the end, she has to accept that you are their parent and you can parent them as you choose during your time and she really has no say as long as you are not abusing them. Unfortunately she has that same right, and it sounds like she may not be doing as good of a job as you are. Just keep making your house a fun, educational, and safe haven for them. Sounds like you are doing a great job so far! Just keep communication open and civil and hopefully she will eventually be more open to working with you rather then against you.
I think you need to talk to someone about this, would she go to a family therapy session with you and the boys to try to iron this out? I know that families have differences of opinions (my mom was married 5 times, so I've dealt with quite a bit of what you are talking about) and it's very, very confusing for the kids.
What concerns me most is that the kids are being *punished* for things they are doing at your house. I think this needs to be documented and addressed. I like Can'tDecide's suggestion of trying to come to some written, formal agreement, however, if she doesn't play ball because of her anger, it's going to be worse in some ways.
FWIW, if your kids are comfortable with watching those movies (not asking them to be turned off) and you are not forcing them to continue, then I'm not sure what the trouble is. It's sad, because they are going to enjoy her less and less if she makes these hard lines with them. I mean, I'm all for caution, much as you are, but this sounds a bit like infantilization to me. She's treating nine year olds like kindergarteners and they are going to eventually rebel. I hope she can get some help and move forward in a more secure way, otherwise they may just become angry with her.
With the given information, my reply would just be to take a deep breath, try to see things from her point of view (no matter how twisted it may appear) and put yourself in her shoes. It seems like you've been doing that, since you can see how she'd feel left out spending less time with them. If she really went that crazy over them just reading those books (with all of the time and effort you put into making sure they're age-appropriate (kudos by the way!)) then I'd say for the sake of peace it'd be best not to 'ask her permission' per-se, but to send her an email or text and let her know "Hey, the boys are asking about such-and-such book and I've done this much research and prep.. what is your feedback on the situation?" Not asking her "Is that okay with you?" but just giving her the information and then asking respectfully for her input. Don't put the 'answer' in her hands but don't take away the decision from her altogether, if that makes sense. In situations like these (and I'm sure this goes deeper than books or movies..) it's just simply best to be as respectful as possible, to your ex but also to yourself and your sons. The more you try to respect your ex, the more she should pick up on that and feel more receptive and less likely (hopefully) to believe she has a reason to attack you or suspect you. Maybe, if you're able, tell her RESPECTFULLY what you just shared ^ that it seems like she doesn't feel the need to keep you informed on things she does with the boys, yet she would feel respected knowing what goes on when they're with you. Maybe offer to compromise (without hurling insults or using 'always' or 'never' (fightin' words)) and say I can keep you more up to date with things, if you would please do the same thing you're asking of me? Thank you, I really appreciate it. Add the thank you beforehand to encourage a positive response. :)
Sounds like you're doing a great job of staying on top of things a being aware of what they're reading and watching.
I think it's great that you're taking the Star Wars movies slow. My 7 year old has seen 2 of them, and I'm trying to keep him interested in just the original trilogy for now. I'm actually ok with him seeing The Phantom Menace, but the next two films have some much darker themes that he's just not ready for. It's a very good story, as you said. But it will be awhile before he's ready for Revenge of the Sith.
Iencourage youto read the Harry Potter books. They are very good! Harry and his friends are 11 yearsold at the beginning of the first book. Each book is another yearin school, so they are 14 at the beginning of Goblet of Fire (the fourth book). The author does an amazing job of nailing the thoughts and feelings of each age group.
Good luck working with your ex and finding ways to coparent. I like your idea of simply trying to keep her informed. Try to be very respectful and open with the things you and the kids do. Itmight gain you nothing beyond the knowledge that you are taking the high road. Then again, she might begin to trust you more and show you the same courtesy.
I think you're already doing g a great job. My guess is that she is doing what ever she can to gain some control. Not a bad thing - just misguided. I'd suggest that the best thing you can do is keep the conversation open. If my husband was really against something, I'd have to keep it in mind and probably allow him to have that one.
Perhaps you can ask if there is anything that she would suggest that they read this summer? Then make a point of having them read it. Anything to ease the tension is a good thing. And if she makes a decision about a book/TV - you tell your boys "sorry, by Mom says no." End of discussion. Let them go to her and complain.
Good luck!
Each broken family has these same disagreements. One house is the fun, experience life, laid-back rules house and one is not.
For the sake of the boys ... print of a list of books that are readling age level for the boys. Each parent should have a copy. Go through the list and cross through the books that you feel are inappropriate. If one parent crosses it out, it is off the table.
For movies, I too use commonsensemedia. I really like the sight and think it provides a full, unbiased review. Since there are hurt feelings and nothing you do will seem correct in her eyes, using this sight as a guide is a good compromise.
As for practices/performances, school communications, each time a contact form is provided, both email accounts should be listed. Again, this is the new standard in most families, married, divorced or separated.
I'm a little confused about the relationships here, but I am going to read this as you are both his "biomom" for the purposes of this question and that we are not talking about a stepmom vs a biomom.
What goes in your house is between you and your spouse.
Her punishing them for what they do in your home is stupid, but while you can speak to your ex about it, you can't make her change her tune. We learned to "parallel parent" vs coparent on a number of topics. An 8 yr old cannot watch Goldmember here, even if her mother bought it for her and allows it.
I don't think you need to check in or ask her permission. Just keep doing what you are doing, IMO. If she says anything, you can say that you are monitoring your child's reading and movies to make sure they are appropriate for his age. And then let it go.
When it comes to the childrens' activities, I wouldn't rely on her or her wife to inform you of the schedules or activities. You are also their mother which entitles you to that information, and the custody papers say so. I would use that to your advantage with the school and other activities and go directly to the source.
"Hi, I'm Andrew and James' mom. Here's all of my contact information for the boys, since I'd like to be kept updated on their activities."
If they (the school, the karate class instructors, swim instructors, camp counselors, etc.) give you any issues straight out of the gate, have your custody papers handy. Always keep them on you. Always.
If you want, you can absolutely inform her. But do you HAVE to? I'd say absolutely not. The books/movies you listed are very age appropriate, and you follow them up with discussion and life lessons. If she has a problem with not controlling Everything they do, then maybe she should start by forcing the school to ask her permission for your kids to read textbooks and other books required by schools. I have a crazy ex as well, but the only time I've ever taken issue with his decisions regarding his spending time with our 4 year old daughter is when he felt it appropriate to take her to a gun range. I'm RELIEVED when they just watch movies and read books!
So you are the Mom and she is the Step-Mom? And she freaked out on YOU for not checking with her first? You have got to be kidding me??
I am a Step-Mom and I say that she has WAY over stepped her bounds here!!!.....unless there is something you are leaving out? You say you have more time with the boys now? Are you the primary care giver or are they?? If they are and she is the 'mom' for 60% or even more of the time, I guess I could see where she is coming from, I guess?
If you ate the primary patent tho I would tell her to go kick rocks!
I know it's best to be polite & for everyone to get along though...so if she has them for most of the time and its not that big of an inconvenience then give her a heads up about what you guys ate reading and watching... But she should extend you the same courtisy!
~I not big on sheltering my kids too much, when it comes to books...a little goes a long way!! As far as movies go, we always watch any questionable ones together do we can talk about it during and after!
