FIL Dying - Ideas for Making the Rest of His Time Special

Time together. Skype often. If you can visit on the weekends, or if he is well enough to travel at all, perhaps you can meet 1/2 way. You don't have to do "special" things to make the time special. Being with him is probably special enough.

ETA: a day or two before my father died, I told him it was OK to go. While I said I had no regrets, I do regret saying that. He didn't want to go. And I didn't want him to go. I felt like I said the wrong thing. Just my experience.

The best advice my husband gave me when my father had 'the news' was to just spend as much time as possible with him. I did, and I have no regrets. Just be there with him, as much as possible. It will also be a support to you MIL.

First of all follow HIS needs.
Always find out IF he is up to visitors.
Do not take it personally if he needs some time alone. Honor this.

And not to be a downer, but my best friend dies last year after a very valiant fight.. she was also given 6 months and passed away a whole lot faster actually within weeks.

We feel like she was just ready.

When you do spend time, talk. talk about everything. Ask him questions about his memories. His childhood, school, jobs, family..

Tell him exactly how you feel about him. Why is is important, why you admire him, what you have learned from him.. Tell him you love him and will never forget him.

Again, give hm some time to just be. To be alone. To think alone. He will be processing a lot.

If he is willing photograph him, video him talking about his memories.

If he can be outside and wants to be outside.. make it happen. My friend died in January. It was grey, cold and drizzly, but she wanted to be outside. We sat in chairs with a fire pit and a heater. She was bundled up with hot tea.. and about 8 of us all sat out there with her for a few hours. We laughed and laughed..

She told us she wanted a party, so we started planning it and making calls right then and there.

I asked her questions about what she needed me to do for her once she died. For her husband, for her parents, her siblings, for our clients.. We had real heart to heart honest conversations. We told each other over and over, we loved each other.

I am sending you all strength and peace.

I'm very sorry for your coming loss.

I don't want to come off as Debbie Downer but having lost both my parents last year, in February and November, I will tell you there's really no way to make his time special other than spending time with him. It isn't about creative ideas, making videos and creating memories for you, it's all about him and his needs.

My Dad was given 6 months and passed 26 days later, my Mom began hospice on Wednesday and passed that Saturday, my sister's FIL was given 3 months with lung cancer and passed in 2 weeks, so bear in mind time given is a guesstimate at best. We did in-home hospice for both our parents and what they got the most out of was seeing the grandchildren, it brought them true joy, but doing anything other than hugging and kissing them was too much. The same with my sister's FIL. So do take your children, and prepare them that Grandpa is not feeling well. Make the most of your visit next month. Do take pictures of Grandpa and grandkids.

Talking about the past as they had enjoyed before became painful, facing death, even strong and resolved in the face of it, is emotional for the patient. After my Dad started crying and couldn't stop when remembering something from his past I stopped asking questions.

Your job is to be there to listen to what they have to say, to tell them you love them and thank them for all they have done for you. And to let them go. In all three cases there was someone who, when Dad, Mom or my sister's FIL said it was time to "go," told them "Oh, no, you're not going anywhere!" And that is not what you say to a dying person, you tell them if it's time for them to leave, that you love them, and it's OK to go.

So be there for him and your MIL, know you will need to be there for her when he passes. And enjoy the time you have.

It's not super special, but my FIL loved it when we all got together for a dinner. There was a lot of family drama. A lot of anger, a lot of not speaking to one and other, etc. He loved that for one day, we could put all the ugliness behind and have a lunch. As for the kids, maybe schedule a nice outdoor photo shoot. He'll have a great time interacting with the grandkids and you have lasting pictures. My FIL suffered a great deal his last 2 months, I suggest if you do anything do it now, while he is mentally and possibly physically able to enjoy it. Does he like baseball, maybe catch a pro game as a family.

Spend time talking with him and finding out about him. Many years ago (15+) my younger sister interviewed my grandfather about his childhood during the Depression. My mother had the foresight to record their conversations and I am so glad that she did. We learned things about him that we never knew and things about his side of the family that we never would have known if she hadn't had this particular assignment.

We did something similar with my great grandmother when she was in her last months of life. Think of all of the things you would want to know about him and that you would want for his grandchildren to know. If he's a chatter, then make it part of an on-going conversation and write down or record the dialogue. If he isn't then create an "All About Me" book and ask him to work his way through it. You can ask him to include copies of pictures (think first day of school, wedding day, day each of the children/grandchildren were born, the house he grew up in... ).

If he's very ill, the odds are pretty good that he's going to want quiet and calm times. Take his lead, as others have mentioned and try very hard not to focus on making these months "special" because that's (in all reality) more about your needs (collectively) and less about his.

Enjoy this time with him and make sure to have all of the little ones around him as often as he is able to withstand.

You might try to videotape his interaction with his grandkids so they will have special memories after he is gone. Put the camera on in the room and let it run so it does not become the focal point. Maybe let him read them a favorite story or play a favorite game. Edit it later. You might consider getting hospice to help out . It is covered by Medicare and insurance and that way you will know that FIL and MIL have support when you cant be there all the time. Initially they might check in once a week to make sure that he has all the equipment he needs (a more comfortable hospital chair or a chair that will help him get up and down) Then they might come more frequently as your MIL needs more help with bathing or moving. That way she and you can concentrate on HIM and not a lot of the daily tasks. They can help with monitoring medications and oxygen if needed. Also, if you don't already have a lot of information about his side of the family tree, you might ask him to tell you about when he was growing up (so you can pass on to your kids) and all the relatives he can remember. Does he have any concerns about your MIL after he passes on? What problems or issues can you help him resolve so he doesn't spend his time worrying about that. Enjoy the time you have left with him.

There's nothing creative about the best gift you can give him: Your time and presence.

My FIL is dying as well. Cancer. Terminal. He's doing chemo now and has been given less than a year to live.

I'm so sorry for your upcoming loss. I love my FIL dearly....like he were my own father.

Oh if he doesn't mind, I would ask him about every childhood memory, as well as the kids childhoods. I love hearing stories about the family. If he knows, ask him about his background, grandparents names and where they came from. Take notes so that your children will know their background.

I just found out our family history back to the 1500's. Of course there is a lot more to my history and that is only one branch.

ETA: Gramma's answer brought tears to my eyes. She is so right. My sister is the one who told my dad that he could go - I was 5 hours away and he was waiting for me, but he was in so much pain. I'm so glad that my sister told him that we would all be okay and that he could let go. He knew I loved him and that I didn't want him to suffer waiting for me. Please take her advice to heart - all of it.

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Singapore Sling is right - as much time as you guys can muster. I'd try to go every other weekend. It will take a lot out of your lives for the short term, but you won't regret it when he is gone.

I'm so sorry - I lost my dad and didn't get a chance to see him before he died. I'm glad you have some time...

Dawn

Like almost every other person said...your time is the most special thing for everyone right now. I lost my mom to lung cancer 2 yrs ago (she was 49, I was 30)...and we were given "XXX months" etc....and I am here to tell you that XXX means NOTHING. Spend the time NOW....dont wait, cuzz it could very well be too late by the time you make time. We/the docs/everyone thought my mom had ALTEAST a 3+ months...so I left on a trip to NY...she died while I was away : ( We went on a great relaxing mini trip to Fort Bragg 1 week before she passed...and I can tell you that I am thankful we did that more than I can express. She never had hospice (yet), and was playing Bingo with my sister the night before she passed. You just NEVER know when thier time is up.
Dont get your expectations too high for "special"...your time is the most special thing you will have. I live 5 hrs from my parents, and I made the trip with a 2 yr old every other weekend (if not more) for 6 mo or more. And I am SOOOOO thankful that I did, I promise you will never regret spending that time either. I am so sorry for the loss you are about to have. Take care.

I would add to the videos any advice he would have for them at the milestones of their lives. Graduation, first job, marriage, children. If I could go back and have recorded the wise things my parents told me it would be more precious that jewels.

Just spend as much time as you can or that he can handle. Having buried my best friend, three other friends and my aunt this past summer, all they want is your time.

My FIL was diagnosed with a rare disease and dead in 6 months and we are now in the final weeks of my mom's ovarian cancer. It is tough - especially with younger kids, especially since you live 6 hours away. But 6 hours isn't an eternity and i would suggest you find a way to get there at least once a month over the next months. I don't have any special suggestions other than table / couch time with grandpa. coloring together, grandpa helping your 6 yr old with homework, reading a book together, dying Easter Eggs. A thing that I see my mom come alive with is going through old photo albums. We get to hear her memories, stories of her childhood, our childhood, neighborhoods, days gone by... Kids love to hear about "the olden days" when grandma & grandpa learned how to ride a bike or write their name or when they got into mischieve and the old man down the street yelled at them, etc. It will create memories for your 6 yr old and sweet times for the rest of the family to hear. Consider setting up a video camera in an unobtrusive place - you won't regret it.
Some of the sweetest times my kids had at the end with their grandfather was sitting in his hospital room doing homework and having grandpa make up silly answers to history or math questions.
I think the best thing is to make sure there's no regreats after he's gone - remind yoru husband.
Good luck mama - this is a tough family time but it can be an opportunity to stretch out & create sweet memories.

(sigh) condolences to you. This is a tough time for families.

one thought as to his future: my uncle was given 18 months, & it's been almost 10 years. His condition never worsened. Prayers this holds true for your FIL.

In the meantime, don't make visiting a one-time or occasional event. Make it regular. Make sure to keep the connections open. & please remember, he may not feel up to having company! In that case, keep the phone lines going & remember to help support his caregiver.

I am with Lisa C. Have him make videos for them if he's able. And while you are there take LOTS of pictures and videos of your time together. We did not know that far ahead of time that we wouldn't have much time with my dad. We only had two weeks and we did everything we could to make sure the kids would remember him. Unfortunatly the grandkids are very young and most may not remember him and it's will be your job to bring out those pictures and videos to show them and let them know he loved them. My heart goes out to your family!!!!

So sorry...spend as much time as you can together...and look into hospice...my dad had hospice for about the last 7 months of his life in the nursing home (alzheimer's, not cancer) and they were great...

Spend time with him. Have the kids Skype or FaceTime. If he is getting treatment for his cancer, medicare will NOT also cover hospice at the same time. You are required to give up your regular medicare benefit to use your hospice benefit.