First Birthday Party - Laclede, MO

I went thru the same thing for my daughters first b-day party.. Her father left when I was still pregnant with her.. I invited the people who were in her life from day one.. His family and him wasn't so they didn't go.. That is a choice you will have to make.. Don't let anyone tell you that YOU HAVE TO.. because no you don't

I went through the same thing. I do not recommend inviting him. I invited my son's father because so many of my family/friends told me I should do it for my son and to not be selfish. There was a lot of people and my son had so much going on that neither of us got to enjoy it. He is eight now and still does not see his biological father but maybe once a year. I don't think he would remember if his bio father was there or not. If I could go back I would have asked him to hold his own birthday party for him. You also might not want to start a tradition that could cause problems down the line. I am happily married now and I don't think I should have his family, my family and my in-laws celebrating together.

L.,

Who is the bad blood between - you and him? Or you and him along with his family? Do what YOU feel you need to do and want to do. I was in a similar situation with my daughter and I left his family out until my daughter was older. I didn't really know his family at all and I didn't know if they would do something I didn't agree with or even maybe try to take her when she was really little (she's 8 years old now). Good luck, it's a tough situation to be in, but being a good mom is first and foremost!
J.

L.,
I too am a single mom of a now 4 year old girl. Her father and his family other than his grandmother have never had anything to do with her since day 1. My 1/2 sister has decided she can't be bothered to call or see me or my daughter. I don't invite any of them to her birthday parties. For her great grandmother's sake we do stop and visit on the day of her birthday party as she is elderly and doesn't like to get out much.

I think it's been said very well by a lot of other people here but I would add that I think the same goes no matter if it's the child's 1st or 15th birthday. It's a time of celebration by people who love your child and are a part of your child's life.

If you son's father's family does make an effort to be part of your son's life but you don't want to include them in your birthday party maybe you can suggest a "family lunch" where everyone pays their own way at a kid friendly establishment. This gives them access while allowing you to put limits in place.

Best Wishes,
R.

I WENT THRU A BITTER DIVORCE SO I KNOW HOW DIFFICULT THINGS CAN BE WHEN EVERYONE IS NOT ON GOOD TERMS. BUT YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THAT THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL BE TRULY AFFECTED BY THIS INCIDENT IS YOUR CHILD. YOUR CHILDS BIRTHDAY IS NOT ABOUT YOU RO THE FATHER OR HIS FAMILY IT IS ABOUT YOUR CHILD. SHOW HOW YOU ARE THE RESPONSIBLE ADULT IN THE GROUP, EXTEND AN INVITATION AND IF THEY COME YOU HAVE A FEW HOURS OF DEALING AND IF THEY DONT ITS ON THEM. BUT REMEMBER NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU HATE THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILD OR HIS FAMILY THEY WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR CHILDS FAMILY AND IN THE LONG RUN ONLY YOU WILL LOOK BAD FOR EXCLUDING THEM DUE TO PROBLEMS BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.

Should you invite the dad & his family? Depends on what you want. Do you want your child to know his/her dad? Do you want your child to know the grandparents? When your child is 8 and realizes that most kids have two sets of grandparents, how are you going to explain your family situation? Do you want to be able to say "I did everything I could to get your father & his family involved in your life" or do you want to say "Your dad was an idiot and I cut of contact for our own good."

Only you can decide what you need to do, but the fact that you're asking for advice makes me think that part of you knows that the dad and his family are not completely worthless (because if you thought they were, this decision would be easy for you.) Maybe the right thing to do is give them the benefit of the doubt and invite them. At least if things go downhill from here, your child is young enough that he won't remember it. If you waited until your child was 3 or 4 and then had a falling out with the dad and his family, your child would be much more affected by the whole thing.

Best of luck on making a tough decision!
N.

You can't make everyone happy and you shouldn't have to so there is really no true "proper" way to handle this. You have to decide what you really want. A party is a place everyone comes because they love you and want to share their happiness with you. It's not a place to have negative energy because your son will sense it. Not an environment you would want him to be in.
So the bottom line - unless the father's family has been trying to "make up" and reaching out to you for the neglect and abandonment of you and your son, I would not have them at the party. Good luck and have a great party.

I guess what I would like to know is, are they good to your son, and to you?
Not knowing the full situation it would be hard to decide.
I was in a similar situation and the Grandparents were wonderful people, who felt bad about the whole situation. I always made sure they were active in her life and we all have a wonderful relationship. It was important to them to be a part of her life. She is 16 now and I am married to a wonderful husband who loves them (grandparents) just like we do, and our 4 year old son calls them Grandma and Papa also.
While I recognize this is abnormal, it can be done, and can be a wonderful experience for everyone involved.
Good luck
I should add that her father chose not to be involved in her life, so even though he was invited to her b-day he didn't come, but her grandparents did. I hope it made it easier on her having them there to represent their side of the family.

L.,
I'm sure i'm probably not the best person to respond to this question but i will give you my input and you can take it or leave it. I went through the same situation, my now ex-husband left me while i was pregnant, came back, left.....the cycle was endless until i was smart enought a year later to file for divorce. Anyway, we divorced shortly before my son's 1st birthday and in the year and a half of his whole life, none of them have been in the picture. I did NOT invite any of them to his party.....i don't feel it's my job, they are adults and if they had been around the whole time, maybe the story would be different. I don't know your situation but that's how i felt. My ex-husband did come to the birthday and it was just uncomfortable for all involved. So, my take on it is, that if the "father's" family wants to have a party they can have their own if your child's "father" is involved with his son......this day is about your son not them and as the mother you are the one that knows best. Who cares if people think you should invite them, not everyone has ever been in your situation. Hope that helps.

I would go ahead and send them an invitation. Don't just send it to your husband's mother only for the entire family, because then it will give the others the excuse that you didn't send them one personally. Believe me, I know from experience! If any of them RSVP and want to come, then great! Obviously they care about you and their relationship with your son. Try to remember your son first and you should be fine. If they don't RSVP or show up, then that's fine also, but at least they can't say you didn't try. Well, they can, but you would know better!

Take care!

L.,

First birthday parties are stressful for the baby. Large groups of people in your home can overstimulate the baby and even though I had a first birthday party for both my kids, I think that they don't really appreciate the concept until they get older.

In my opinion, this would definitely not be the time to reintroduce the biological father and his family to the baby. I don't know who is encouraging you to do this, but if you want to re-establish ties with this side of the family, I would do it another time.

Here is my advice to you, depending on what kind of relationship your ex has with your son. If there is no relationship and no communication between the two of you, then you have no obligation to even mention the birthday party. If he does have a relationship with your son then, I suggest you simply let him know of your plans so that if he wanted to do something for his birthday he would have to work around your plans. Hope that makes sense.

I would go on the basis, has anyone made an attempt to see the child? If the baby's grandparents want to be grandparents and have talked to you to see him and you are comfortable around them alone, then it's ok. But remember it is his family not your's. If you two are not together it's no different than divorced parents. I'm not about to invite my exhusband and his family to my house for our daughters' bdays. It's his place to do things like that with his family. Which, with the exclusion of Christmas and Easter, is all he sees of his daughters. So I really wouldn't feel guilty about not inviting the other side of the family. If they miss it's because they choose not to be a part of your baby's life. And if you invite them, are you going to feel bad that they have nothing to do with the baby for another year until the next birthday? I know I feel horrible that my kids are going through the whole dad doesn't see them unless he can shower them with gifts and be cool for a bit and then gone. He's buying love from them because he doesn't want to be a real parent. No child deserves that. Even worse, our oldest, who turned 6 last November, started asking a few months ago 'Why does my daddy never want to see me?''Why does my daddy not care about me?''Why does daddy never want to take me to his house?' No child deserves to go through that. And her doing this at 6, to me, is showing just how bad he is. If he isn't going to step there's no way you can force him to. So I would just shower your baby with all the love and affection your family has done for the last year and is going to continue to do. It's a day of celebration. You don't want any bad feelings, resentments, uneasiness, or even a something awful ruining a spectacular day that it's to be.

I think it depends on your relationship with the father's family. If you don't feel comfortable having his family there, then don't invite them. It is your son's birthday and he needs to be able to enjoy it. If there is conflict between family members, nobody will enjoy the party. I say let them have their own party for your son, that is of course, if they care enough to take part in your son's life.

I don't know, I wouldn't say under those circumstances that you don't HAVE to invite anyone from his side. Unless they were there for you throughout your pregnancy and/or have been involved with your little guy since he was born I think you are well within your rights to exclude them from the festivities. Just my opinion, but you certainly wouldn't want your son's special day to be affected by Mommy being uncomfortable withthe party guests.

Hi L., First of all,you do whats best for you and your son.Is the father going to be at the party? Would you talking to them by phone be possible? I would try to talk to them first and see if they are rude or condesending.Invite them, with the understanding that the past is not to be brought up.If you feel that its not possible, there is no golden rule you "have " to invite them.

My daughters father left me one week to the day of her delivery day, but thankfully I was in a place where I had the support and shoulderssss to lean on when things were rough! My daughter is now seven and has never seen or spoken to her father but he knows where I am and I know where he is. He or his family talk a good game but never actually do anything for her. So yes I am bitter but as the adult I have to show her how to deal with things in life that will not always go in her favor. So, this decision is tough but you have to evaluate everything not just today but ten years from now. Like someone else mentioned at this age your baby is unaware the "party" so for now keep your sanity...u will have plenty more years to stress over them! Hope all goes well.

There is no reason why you should invite them if you don't want to. It will just ruin the party for you, and really, your son doesn't care about the party. It's for you, so do what you want and don't feel bad. My ex husband left me because he decided he was gay when our baby was 1 month old. For Toby's 1st birthday last month, I didn't invite any of his family. I hope this helps! ~K.

If his fathers side of the family is in his life, then you should invite them. That doesn't mean they'll come though. I have a 6 year old daughter who has had her father's family in her life since she was 1. We were never married and he wasn't around for anymore than the making of her until she was already 1. They live 3 hours from us, only talk to her when I call, and only see her at Christmas or Summer (and only if I ask them to take her). But, he has only started showing up for her birthday 3 years ago and still missed her 5th birthday. I would say invite them, but don't plan on them showing up.

Yikes,
I am a christian and I believe that we should show love where we dont receive love, but I do not think you owe this man anything. He left - not you. You dont have to do anything. When he left out the door, he was risking things like sharing his son's birthdays and much more. I would not be hateful in anyway about it, but if you do not think it is best for your son to be around all that tension simply explain that and maybe suggest that if things settle down, next years party may be different. I truly recommend that you pray about this and stop listening to everyone trying to put their opinion in the mix. Do all things with love and go to God! He has better answers than all of us!
-A.
A.

I have to agree with Kathy! Invite them & be the better person! You may be surprised & not have to live the next several years wondering. Be very excepting to them, maybe they only saw his side of it & never got the chance to really know you. Of coarse we don't know all the details but I do wish you luck with your decision!

Hi, I would invite them and leave it up to them if they want to come.

If they don't have a bond with this baby, then you don't have to invite them. You never have to do anything with YOUR baby. He left you, not the other way around! If they are civil and they have a bond with the baby, I would invite them if they will not ruin your time at your babies first bday. If you are not comfortable with them coming then don't invite them. If you decide to invite them tell them $100 gifts only!!lol

I guess I will say Ditto to most of these response. You don't need me to repeat the same thing. I just wish you the best, do what your heart tells you. This is about your child and the happiness of your child. The only people you will owe anything to is your children. Not your family, friends or the father's family.

You did not say if you have been in contact regularly with your child's father's family since he was born. If you have and they have been part of your child's life and there is a good relationship between you, then I say go ahead and invite them, but if they have not been part of his life, then I say NO. It is your child and the father has not been there for you or the child so it is up to you as a parent to do what is best to protect your child and not let friends or whoever influence your decisions. Whatever you feel in your gut is what you should do in this situation and not let others make you feel guilty if you decide not to invite them. This is a joyous occasion and if these people are strangers to your child or they have a history of causing stress for you or your child, leave them out. Only consider your feelings and the way it might affect your child and forget the rest. You are his mother and you know best, trust your own feelings on this.
Happy Birthda to your little one! B.

My ex-husband and I seperated when my daughter wa 6 weeks. I did not invite him or his family to her first birthday and a do not plan to invite them to her second. We have a very civil relationship and his parents watch her on a regualr basis, but I think we are able to maintain it because we keep a bit of distance.
Your child has a right to see it's father, even if his actions nullify his rights. But there's no rule that says it has to be at a certain time or a certain day. If the actual day is important to him, maybe he could see the child in the morning and you could schedule an afternnon party. They can have their own party.

You do what is best for you. Don't try to make everyone else happy. Take their unsolicited advice with a smile, say thank you, and then say that you will make a decision based on what is best for you and your son. If you feel like you don't want to invite him or his family (which is EXACTLY what I would do) then don't invite them! If he walked out on you and the baby, then he does NOT deserve the priveledge of being around you and your sweet baby. My father was never around and I barely know him. My sisters and I get together with him once or twice per year. He and his family is never invited to any event or holiday. Lots of bad blood on that side as well, so I can kind of identify with you. YOU do what is best for YOU!!!! :)

First Birthday parties are more for the family than for the child. They really are too little to have any memories. That being said, you're the most important person in your childs life, so you need to feel comfortable. I was in the same situation with my oldest and did not invite his fathers family, I knew having them around would cause stress and I would not be able to fully enjoy my son.

Also, they should know when your sons birthday is. They could always send a gift or make a time to visit with him on their own.

Hi L.,
Thats terrible that you were left at such an emotional time in your life. My soon to be ex husband and I split after 9 years when my son was only five weeks old. He wasn't there for me at all either. My advise is that if you don't have a relationship with the father's family, then why invite them? Your baby won't know the difference and if they havn't been supportive and loving to you and your child, then why invite them to such a joyous event? We're lucky in that as adults we have a choice about whom we choose to let into our lives. If they don't offer anything positive to you and your darling, then spend your time with people who DESERVE you both. Happy Birthday to your baby!
-L.

Is the father/his family a part of the child's life? If not, why invite them?! If he/they are, then they should have a party for the child themselves. There is very bad blood between my significant other and his ex-wife, and though they tried doing things like b-days together, celebrating special occasions separately turned out to be the best solution for all involved, especially the children!

Good luck mama!

I would look at this like a divorce. My ex husband and I have seperate birthday parties for our daughter. I have mine with our friends and family and he has his when it's his day to have her. If the family has been helping you out financially or something, then maybe I'd consider it, but if they are just in the background, you owe them nothing. My ex wanted to put it into the divorce that we had to share birthdays and parties, but the mediator handling our case said"son, she does like you, we are not going to force her to spend time with you"
Does the father pay child support or have any vistation?

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO INVITE THEM!! ESPECIALLY IF HE HAS ANY VISITATION AT ALL HE CAN THROW HIS OWN PARTY.

THE FIRST BIRTHDAY IS ALWAYS FOR THE PARENTS. THE KIDS HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A BIRTHDAY IS. IF YOU ARE GOING TO DO THE PARTY CELEBRATE IT AND INVITE "ONLY" THOSE THAT MAKE YOU AND YOUR CHILD UNCOMFORTABLE. IF YOU DON'T ONLY THE CHILD SUFFERS.

DON'T OVERTHINK IT, GO W/ YOUR GUT!!!

Well, it depends. How much bad blood is between all of you? Life would be much easier if you all could get along and enjoy your son. That's hard to do sometimes, but the more people he has loving him, the better. If everyone can be civil and convene for his benefit only, then I say invite them.

Both of my son's Dads left me while pregnant also. My oldest son's Dad has been involved since day 1 though, and been there for him, so we had a big 1st B-day party together w/both our familes. My youngest son's Dad we have not (thankfully) seen since the day we came home from the hospital. He has not been involved at all, so they weren't invited to the party. We don't hear from them, and I don't attempt to get ahold of them. And it's worked out good that way. So it I think it depends on how involved they are, and how well you get along with them. It's YOUR decision, as it's your child. So whoever is saying you have to invite them, tell them it's YOUR decision NOT theirs and if they don't like it tough! Good Luck and I hope your baby has a wonderful 1st B-day!

I can relate some to what you are going thru.

My son's father and I went thru some pretty rough times and barely spoke to each other. But his family had been very supportive to me and never defended him or really picked a side. I was very close to his family and felt very comfortable around them. I choose to invite them because I felt they shouldn't miss out just because my son's father wasn't being a responsible father.

I wouldn't have invited them if their was any kind of tension or I felt they were passing judgment about how a felt or handled the situation with my son's father.

We all had a great time together. Plus my son loved all the attention.

Luckily my son't father is now trying to change and we are taking steps to communicate as parents.

I still have a close connection with his family and I still get a lot of support from them. I have been told several times that I am a great mom by them.

You need to do what you are comfortable doing. You should be able to celebrate the birthday of your baby and not worry about anything else.

My husband left me when our baby was 4 months old, so NO, you do not have to invite him or his family to the birthday party. They can plan their own party/birthday outing with the child if they want, with their own cake and presents.

My daughter is 5 and she's always had 2 birthday get-togethers.

Good Luck,
J.

It's your party & you can ivite whomever you want. You shouldn't stress over it. Do what's best for you & your baby. It's ok to be selfish sometimes.

I suppose if you are close to his family or they help you out a lot, then they should be included. Maybe have a separate little party with them.

My son had 3 one yr parties because grandpa is a trucker & couldn't be there for the big one & my husband was deployed in Baghdad, so we had one over the internet.

I look at this as it's to be a celebration for you son. Therefore, I probably wouldn't invite them to the actual party. You shouldn't be stressed and tense during a really fun time. Maybe instead I would invite them to see him at another time to be fair and the mature one in the situation. The people invited to the party should be ones who have lovingly supported you and your son. This is supposed to become a happy memory you look back on not one of regret.

Hi L., I'm T., I'm not sure what advice to give you, I would say ( and i don't know you're whole situation and the problems with them you have ) but the right thing to do would be to invite them, but like i said if there is alot of bad blood that might be impossible...when is his bday? my son ethan will be one on 9/8/05! i'd love to talk if you'd like, my email is ____@____.com i'm here if you'd like to talk about it, or our little boys! :D

T.

L.:

It sound like the dad is a creep (to put it bluntly) and didn't do right by you or your child. The question is, is anyone in his family helping you with your child? Do they call, send money, visit? IF anyone on his side of the family IS making an effort, I would include them (as they are not at fault for his poor choices). If not, skip them and have a great birthday!
A.