My first child (daughter) is off to college for the first time. I have a 14 year old daughter and a 9 year old son too. My daughter that has just gone to college which is only an hour from where we live has been my best friend you could say. I know the whole deal about not being friends with your children, I haven't talked to her about every detail about my life, she's my first child, easy personality. Well here's the problem, she's only been at college one month(never had a boyfriend) and this boy who seems really neat is showing her attention. I'm scared !! For one thing sharing her with someone else, and that she won't come home as much,grades may suffer...... I know I'm panicking but I am a Christian and really trying to give this all to God. So hard to let go!!!!
Relax. You have to believe you raised her right and be willing to let her experience life. Presumably she is now an adult.
Relax. She's growing up and growing away.
This is normal.
There will be many many more boys.
The fact that she is telling you about the boy is a good thing.
She is in college - she's not supposed to come home. She is supposed to stay on campus and have fun. She needs to manage her time... and she will or she'll be home with you next semester...
Spend your time and be present with the children you have at home -- don't spend your time worrying about the one who is away. That's not fair to any of them or to you.
LBC
You sound like a great mom, who raised a great daughter. This is what she should be doing. Since she has never lived away from home, or had the attentions of a boy it's all new and exciting. Has she stopped coming home or are her grades already suffering? Wait till you see a decline before you worry. Encourage her to make friends and to enjoy herself. She is sharing all this with you which is awesome. My sister lead a completly underground life at college and never told my mom anything as they did not have the relationship you have with your daughter. It's hard when you are so close to her. She'll be ok, you did a good job with her and now you have 2 more you have to get out of the house :)
She is growing up. Please let her. She is going to get some bumps and bruises along the way but we all learn more from our mistakes verses our triumphs.
Her dating or beginning to date is important for her development. I hope you have taught her some valuable things there. Ultimately, you have to trust that you have done a good job with her or not (unfortunately it doesn't matter either way) because it is her life to live.
Be supportive and encouraging.
This is going to be very difficult to hear, but you need to let go of her. She's your daughter, but she isn't "yours"- as implied by having to "share" her. She's an adult and her own person. You have worked to raise her with strong morals and high expectations and now you need to step back and let her rely on those expectations to make the right choices.
If her grades suffer, she will need to deal with the consequences. If she stays out too late... again, she will need to deal with the fall-out. If she elects to come home less often... you get the idea!
Having a boyfriend isn't a problem- it's a very natural part of growing up and learning to make good choices. Be careful not to smother her or make her feel guilty for having someone special in her life or she may go to an extreme and cut you out altogether!
She'll be fine and you have time to focus on your two other children and start establishing friendships with women your age/stage who are going through something similar. Join a book group, church group, have lunch with friends... find things to do that you enjoy and can bring to a conversation with your daughter when she calls and comes home! Your relationship will be even stronger if you have your own interests and stories to share b/c she will hopefully do the same!
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you gave her wings so she could fly, it's your time to be the wind beneath her wings. Let go and let God
I have an alternate view to this that I hesitate to share, but it really might be good for some people to hear the other view.
I teach college. And the advent of cell phones has been a horrible thing for lots of college students. Not because they spend all their time on facebook (a serious problem believe me) but because their parents call them and expect them to call every day.
More than 50% of my freshman speak to their parents more than once a day. On one hand it is nice that these kids still trust and respect their parents' opinions. On the other - they never learn to make decisions. I watch them, and have been watching freshman for over ten years. Parents need to trust that they have done a good job raising their kids, and then let them go out there and make mistakes.
I know it is agonizing watching your kids make mistakes (that can have serious consequences) and getting hurt. But, the odds of them recovering from mistakes in college are much higher than making those same mistakes later in life. Let them learn. Let them learn to make decisions on their own without checking with you and tweeting dozens of friends for opinions first. (You can't fix the second, but you can help with the first.)
Ten years ago I never spoke to a parent unless something really serious had happened. Now, every semester some parent calls me to intervene on their child's behalf. Your child is old enough to be given a gun and sent into war they can handle their lumps if they fail a class. Better they learn then that not working at something will cost them than having some one cushion they're fall.
You're not having to "share" your daughter. Your daughter is showing you that she is capable of opening her heart. And isn't that what you really wanted for her all along? Could she get her heart broken? Yep. Could her grades suffer? Yep. Could she choose to spend less time at home? Good for her! Will this be easy for you? Not at all. But, no one said being a parent was easy!! We invest 20 years of devotion into them and if we have done our job right we pay a balloon payment (school or wedding or both!) just so they can move on without us. Congrats Mom, it looks like you succeeded.
Dear S.,
Congrats on your first child off to college. What a great mom you are for raising her to be independent and responsible. With your raising her, I am sure she will be fine. She has your backing, values etc and will call upon the great resources you gave her to navigate through the waters of life. COntinue to be there for her as needed, as G-d is there for you all and all will be fine.
HTH. Jilly
I am so glad you're trying to give this situation to God. It's one of those times we give Him our worries, grab them back, give them, grab 'em back....
Look at this as a time where your daughter learns to stand on her own two feet, when she has a chance to be more responsible. She can turn to God, too, in every college situation she confronts... and there will be many. She will be learning how to do this as an adult in a college rather than as a child in her mother's home. This is a good thing.
Your relationship with your daughter will change, but this kind of change isn't so bad. Having an adult child you love and respect is pretty neat.
Stay in contact. E-mail her funny cards; college is tough (even without the boyfriend) and she will need a smile. Keep the lines of communication open. Be willing to LISTEN. Think about what questions you might ask her that will help her work out problems, rather than giving her solutions (unless she asks outright). This is a good way to help a college-age child.
As for you, don't let your imagination rule you. You know better than to be bossed around by fears of what MIGHT happen. And you know what to do with those fears, too, if you have to do it sixteen times a day (or night)!
I am retired now. My 3 are grown and I have grands. The kids turned out well. Married nice people, I am proud of them. My first. a son, was my soul mate, I missed him terribly. Little by little, he found his own way, which is the way it is supposed to be. He and the girlfriend were always welcome here.
She will use her good judgement, as you have taught her, give her lots of credit and lots of support always. Try not to be judgemental, you gave her wings and she is trying to fly. Concentrate on the 2 younger children, and be happy with your new situation and be happy for her.
