First Visit with Girlfriend's Children...

how far is it from Joplin to Branson? What about a trip to Silver Dollar City? It has been a long time since I've been there (1981), but there should be a lot of fun stuff...

Where are they from?

#1 Don't do anything you aren't planning to do for the rest of your relationship. If you turn yourself into Disneyland they will expect Disneyland.

#2 at this point, you can't consider yourself a "parent" so if you say something like "I'm new to parenting" in front of those kids you will do irreparable damage to your relationship, especially with the 12 year old (not saying you will, necessarily.... but it's probably the biggest rookie mistake). You may feel like a parent, you may act like a parent... but you're not even close until one of them has vomited on you or you've had to go pick them up from a n'er-do-well experience and felt fear run through your veins, or watch them come out on the other side of struggle and been proud. even then.... it'll be hard because these kids are old enough that they remember life without you - so you may forever be relegated to mom's girlfriend / mom's wife etc.

I don't mean to be harsh. And that doesn't mean you can't be one of the best influences in their lives. My daughter gets along great with her step-dad. But she was 10 when they met..... so he's only her "step-dad" because he married me. Really he's just an adult that helps her with stuff when I can't. It's hard to have a "parental" relationship with someone who isn't.... yet.

That being said... there are plenty of things to build a relationship with them. And I applaud you for wanting to do this. I think it's great.

How long are they going to be staying and what are their genders? That can make a difference. I wouldn't do long car trips, I would stay very local. Go to some parks for picnics. Maybe the Precious Moment's museum. Drive across the Oklahoma State Line and show them the red clay. Show them the Joplin that YOU love. Talk to them about the Tornado and show them where there used to be buildings and now aren't or where certain businesses have rebuilt. Show them pictures of what the streets looked like and go to that exact spot now so they can see the difference. Go to the world's largest Candy Store. Go swimming.

There is a world of difference between 12 and 6.... you can't please them both. don't try. Try to please each of them at least ONCE on the visit. And know that they can be bored stiff and still actually like you and they can have a blast and hate your guts. So, it's not about the fun time they're having..... it's about you getting to know them... as people. Listen to whatever music they like (even if you have to go from lady Antebellum to Skrillex, which trust me..... is quite difficult and I've known mine 12 years.... I have to get to know her for each phase she goes through). Let them listen to the music YOU like.

What do they typically do? Find out what THEY like and then show them a slice of that.... only in Joplin. So, if the 12 year old is into movies - go see one with her/him. If the 8 year old likes to read, take 2 hours and hit every bookstore and let her/him buy 2 books. Make homemade pizza where everyone gets to make one for themselves and make desert pizza where you draw names and everyone has to make one for someone else.

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ETA - I changed the wording from boyfriend to girlfriend.
How long has their mom been "out"? Is this the first "girlfriend" they have met? That may add layers of complexity. Are they comfortable with seeing their mom give/receive physical affection with anyone? with a girl? Make sure you and your girlfriend have talked about boundaries before you get there..... should you kiss hello... hold hands etc.

So... There's a GBLTQ community thing... that kids are SPECIAL. They're ours, they're wanted, they're included, they count, they matter, they will never be left out, pushed aside, made to feel less than.

Its a subculture thing, based on intent.

That attitude can be amaaaaaazing for kids.

It can also break them. Shredding them to pieces.

Because desperate, damaged, hurting kids latch on. And then get their world ripped apart when mom/dad breaks up with GF/BF, and moves on. And moves on. And moves on. Bringing person after person into their lives... That they're going to lose.

Attachment disorders, conduct disorders, numbing out, drug use, predator targets, promiscuity, abusive relationships, devaluing whatever sex the string of girlfriends/boyfriends happens to be... A whole host of reeeeeeally predictable outcomes that very, very few avoid.

This is the wide eyed terror you're running into when you start talking to parents about "parenting" or calling kids you've never net /haven't raised "ours".

IF things go well, you will undoubtedly be a phenom step-mom.
If they don't... The kids are so attached to you ALREADY... after only 6 months and never having even met you, that they will be destroyed.

Your GF sounds desperate & damaged to have risked her kids' well being by encouraging their active participants room in your relationship.

Hey, Im pure awesomeness ... But I'm a hot mess, too. This is one battered spouse cringing when seeing another... Not judging her to be less than the amazing woman I'm sure she is.

IF your relationship works out, all of your love and effort you are clearly demonstrating will form an amazing family.

But desperate/damaged people make bad decisions; like dating the wrong person, or sabotaging/breaking up with the right one.

And getting her kids incrediably bonded and attached to a brand new relationship.

Because if you two split... She has SCREWED her kids.

I hope & pray that this doesn't happen.
But it is SUCH a risk

Am I asking you to hold back when they come visit?
Nope.
Be yourself.
Keep doing what you're doing
Because they won't understand why you stopped loving them

((Why the book length explanation, then? Because you sound like the healthy person in the relationship. The one who WILL put the children's needs first. Who will be researching, fretting, and assuming the primary parenting role. Because bouncing kids around and getting their hearts broken is so outside of LGBTQ culture... That you deserve to know. And to know why so many parents -both gay/straight- are going to be horrified that you're in that role. Period. Much less this soon into a new relationship. Even if it lasts 50 years. That in the first 6 months you had to step up to parent. It can work. It really can. It is just beyond risky.))

ALL my best wishes to you & yours.

OK. Relax. You are not a parent yet. You're the boyfriend. Don't rush there till you guys start making things official. You do NOT want to act like a dad or someone that has control over them. Treat their mom well. Treat them with respect. They are a unit and you have to always remember that.

That said, don't try to make things "perfect". There is no such thing. Maybe next time you talk to them, ask them what they would like to do during their visit. Google "fun things to do with kids" for your area and see what's around. Depending on how long they'll be there, pick a few or let them pick a few. Don't go overboard. Be yourself and don't try too hard.

I think it's very sweet that you are looking to make things special for them. Just don't rush things. Take your time. Keep getting to know her. Get to know them. Get to know her with them. You want them to be comfortable with you as your relationship with mom grows, but try not to become part of their lives until you and mom decide that you are going to make things official. My mom has been married 5 times - I speak from experience here
; )

You're not their "parent."
Your their moms boyfriend of 6 months.
You're not a "family" yet.

Be yourself.
Respect their mother.
Do something fun for the kids!

ETA: with your update, my response must change:
You're their moms girlfriend of 6 months! Sorry!

sounds like you will be a phenomenal parent. good for you for doing so much preparatory work with them.
but you really can't go too slowly.
it's certainly time to develop a relationship with them IRL. but do not think that it will be anything like the online relationship you've had thus far. it will be very, very different, and much, much harder.
'parent' with a very light touch. in fact, i'd be very careful about even using the word 'parent' around them yet. it hasn't been nearly long enough. you are not yet their parent. don't try to force that. i would not take part in any disciplinary action or attempt to govern or dictate to them in any way just yet. discuss with your partner what her parenting techniques and philosophies are and adopt them as best you can, and work out any snags behind the scenes. it is not yet and won't for a long while be your place to actively parent these kids.
please be sensitive to the fact that they still have some adjusting to do in learning to be the children of a same-sex couple since they haven't experienced this since birth. and you are a very, very new lesbian couple. if everything works out, all this pre-meeting groundwork will be wonderful. but like any new relationship, straight or gay, there's a big chance (statistically speaking) that this won't work out long-term. and the potential damage to these kids is pretty big.
minimize their risk, and increase the chances of your long-term relationship with them being awesome, by not trying to be their mom too soon. allow your unique relationship with them to develop organically.
don't push.
khairete
S.

Lots of great advice below.

I only want to add, your comment about being new to parenting and your use of the word "our" to describe your gf's children, indicates a slight red flag. You are not their parent, and it will be a LONG time before they consider you a parent, if you and mom stay together. YEARS.

Even if everything starts out perfect and Disney-like in this first visit, I guarantee you it won't stay that way. Parenting is really hard. Be real, be fun, but don't try to be their best friend or their parent. Don't set your expectations too high about this being this wonderful family bonding time where everyone is going to get along famously. They might behave initially, but there are inevitably going to be hurdles.

And no matter how cool they are with the fact that their mom has become a lesbian, they may be less comfortable with it once they see it in action, no matter how many photos they have seen beforehand.

Step-families take 7 years to blend fully, says the research, and sometimes they never do.

Just a warning, because you are building this up to be way more perfect than it is likely to be.

Hmmm... I have family from Joplin, not much to do there!! Go bowling, skating, a fun family picnic at a swimming pool. Make english muffin pizzas and popcorn, rent a movie and have a movie night. Go to a zoo or a kid's museum if there are any close. Go to Branson, is that too far/expensive? Can't remember. Just do fun family stuff :)

I don't want to sound insensitive, but I also wonder if the kids are cool about the lesbian relationship or if it is new/awkward for them? So, if they are cool with it, than do more public stuff. If they are still uncomfortable with it, do more homey stuff so they won't have that extra pressure, without much pda so they can just see you for you. I really hope that didn't sound offensive, I didn't mean for it to be! I think it will be great!

Ditto Jo W.
Yep, be real. Be yourself. Do not put on airs.
Be real.
Kid... they will know if they like you or not. Kids have instincts too.
Don't try to be superman.
Be nice to their Mom and respectful. But not fake.
Read up on parenting books.
Do activities, that are age APPROPRIATE.
If they are fussy or do not take to you right away... do NOT take it personally. Remember, you are the adult, not a child.
Be an adult.
Don't compete with them.
If they need their Mom's attention, don't try to usurp that.
Mom, needs to be... a priority, FOR them.
Her attention, needs to be, on them.
These are kids.
And most certainly, know that kids are not robots. They do not listen all the time, they have moods, they are just children.
Every minute, cannot be predicted.
You sound sincere.
But don't try to be Santa Clause either.
EACH varying age of a child... has different levels of ability/emotions/understanding. So don't expect all the kids to be mature or to be all the same in terms of cognizance. These kids, are from all varying developmental ranges.
And each age... has their own varying needs.
AND keep their safety, paramount.
Emotionally and physically.
Do not, infringe upon their own privacy or needs with their Mom.
And remind the Mom, that she does not have to.... toggle between you or them. Her kids, are her priority. Kids need their Mom. A Mom should not have to choose, between her boyfriend or her kids.

I like what Everley, CoMoMom, SH and Jo had to say, especially.

Just take it slow. I'll say this, as someone who has dealt with two stepdads, meeting my bio dad, and two stepmoms... (looong family history, not going into it right now)... be prepared for things to be a little awkward once you are in person. Everyone involved has hopes and fears, right? Do not be surprised if the kids are super-excited OR if they are tentative. It holds true in any form of relationship that it may be uncomfortable for the kids to see mom kissing and being affectionate with someone new. I also agree with the advice to make sure you take breaks so the kids have time to reconnect with their mom. This will be new and a lot for everyone to process.

It sounds like you have made some good connections with the kids thus far. Keep your expectations low, keep things simple for now. The kids may be elated that mom is in a healthier relationship, but they may also be unsure of how this will affect them in the long run. I urge you, please, *no assumptive 'in the future' statements* to them-- keep that between yourself and your girlfriend for now. Let her make those statements if she chooses, but take things in baby steps for now.

Please know that I mean this in the best way, too. When I met my bio dad (I was 14), he was very low-key and interested in me, but also gave me space and didn't bombard me with questions. His wife was just the opposite (just her personality) and it really overwhelmed me at the time. Likewise, my other stepmom took time to get to know me and what I liked/was interested in long before she and my adoptive father got married; it felt very safe. Baby steps. I wish great joy for you as you go forward (your excitement is contagious and you sound like you are a very nice person.) Enjoy each moment for what it is. :)

PS: I know your heart is in the right place-- I just want to add, be careful for yourself. You say that your girlfriend has had some hard relationships in the past, so be sure to go forward in a healthy way. Silly me, but I'm a little concerned you may get your heart hurt during some of this (family does this to each other--it's kind of inevitable), and I truly hope that doesn't happen. So I'll just add one thing-- if this transition of becoming 'one' family is rough, do ask for outside counseling or help, even for yourself. Like I said, you seem very well-intentioned, and forgive me for overstepping if I seem to be-- do take care of yourself in all of this.

Congratulations to you on finding a wonderful girlfriend who is excited to introduce you to her children! Just the fact that you want to make it perfect says wonders about your commitment and relationship. Anyway... here's my advice:

1. It will not be perfect. Make sure you fully realize that now so you're not disappointed when they melt down, tell their mom they don't like you, or ignore all of the effort you've put into making things great.

2. Be yourself. Talk to them like you'd talk to an adult. Don't dumb it down or be fake friendly. They'll see right through you. In fact, don't try too hard.

3. They'll want alone time with their mom and will need to feel like their mom is focused on them, so plan times when you're absent to give the kids time to relax. I have to do this even when my awesome mother comes to visit. She's the best grandmother in the world and my kids adore her, but it's a change to the routine and they need a little time each day without her just to feel normal before they can go back to interacting.

4. Do not under any circumstances try to discipline the kids. And don't try to act like their second mother yet. You have to truly ease into that. Be interested and helpful, but your girlfriend has ways of dealing with her kids that you need to learn before you step up and truly parent. Otherwise the kids could see you as heavy handed. (you probably have no intention of trying to act like a parent to them, so don't take offense at my comment. I've just seen too many of my childless friends piss my kids off when they visit and tell my kids what to do -- even in a pretty nice manner).

5. Plan an activity that interests each kid at least once during the visit. Maybe a childrens museum for the 6 year old, the mall for the 12 year old?

6. Good luck and have fun!

I can tell you that there may be harsh feelings once you are there. The kids probably like the idea of you at this point which is normal. I would exclude yourself from a "parenting" role for now until the children learn first and formost that they are the most important thing in this relationship. Yes, I know you love your girlfriend but the children are always ALWAYS first. Once you have trust then you can go on with parenting. It may be akward for them as you are the first significant other that their mother has been with for a while, that and well it will be new for them to have you as the significant other. Please just be prepared for some akward situations.

Also dont be all over your SO. This will shy the children away from you and probably gross them out for the beginning. Understand that this is their mother. When they are asleep you can be as intimate as you want but PLEASE dont embarras them.

(can you tell I have been a child in situation of a newcomer?)

If you have more questions you can pm me. I know how it feels to be the child, and the mother in this case and only want to help.

i agree with the previous responses. it is wonderful to find love - but when dealing with children...please please please...take it...sssslllllooooowwwwww. i wish you all the best - honestly, within 6 months of meeting my husband, we were living together, and i "knew" it was forever (that was 12 years ago). (ok i'll be honest, it was MUCH sooner than that - but neither of us had kids either) So it IS possible. just please be very very careful with those little hearts. they didn't choose this new life and they won't have any choice if it disintegrates before their eyes. i hope that mom is getting some counseling or something? it sounds like she really needs to make 100% sure she has processed the drama and turmoil before she commits to anything. honestly if i was a single mother it would be waaaaaaaaay more than 6 months before i'd introduce a new parent figure into my kids' lives...especially at these ages. just please be careful with them.

prepare a meal together and have a picnic-you can get lots of ides on what to make and what to do on the internet-keep it simple and take pictures-God bless!

There are some really great books you could read about ages and stages of children. They are by an author named Louise Bates Ames, PhD. There is a book for each age, the six year old, the seven year old, etc etc. This will give you a really good feel for where each child is developmentally. I only suggest these books because you sound like you really really want to understand these children and be a good step-parent to them.

My kids favorite things to do together as a family are board and card games after dinner. We go for walks at our botanical garden or local parks.

I also second, third or fourth on the taking it very very slowly with them. I didn't get my step-mom until I was an adult. She is a great and amazing woman. I am still seven years later adjusting to her, and I am a full grown ADULT...I cannot imagine having had her come into my life when I was still a child at home. Even as an adult I battle feeling that she "stole" my dad from me. I can of course rationalize these feelings and know they aren't true...because who wants their dad to grow old alone when he can have a good woman by his side. So I really really have a heart for children who are trying to make the best of a new family situation.

I can say, that from the tone of your post that I am very very happy for these kids that you are so worried about them and concerned and want to parent them in a healthy and loving way. But in your case you can be their friend first...be their friend...be a compassionate ear and a shoulder to lean on...and be prepared to be that for them forever, no matter what happens with their mother.

Sending you a huge hug!! Good luck!!

Miniature golf, arcade, swimming.

Mini golf, bowling, make your own ice cream sundaes or pizzas. Make a meal together. Bake something yummy Do whatever is fun and unique to your area. A hike and a picnic if the weather is nice. A kid-friendly tourist attraction or museum. Visit a fun place for kids to play. Make popcorn and buy some puzzles or lego sets to put together. Relax and don't try too hard. You will bond, but it takes time to build trust. And there will be struggles along with way.