Fitting In

You sound like a very supportive mom.

Ignore some of the mean advice here.

It is amazing--this site is here for mamas to ask hard questions yet some beat up mothers for doing just that.

After reading your SWH, no one here will give you any input that you are looking for because you have managed to call everyone out who has a GOOD response in your SWH because you don't like what they said.

If you want people to be blowing smoke up your panties, then go to your friends and family who will do that and lie to you.

You asked a valid question here and it is clear that your child is not happy. When I read the question, before the SWH I questioned your motives for basing his "fitting in" on his clothes. His clothing has nothing to do with fitting in... Look at his personality. You say he annoys people... WHY? Figure that out.

Maybe he needs to speak with a counselor who involves play therapy to figure out why he is not clicking with other children his age.

Whatever you do, stop pushing him to be what you want him to be... let me figure out who he is so he can be who HE wants to be.

You know children are smart. You come across very concerned that he does not fit in. Maybe he has picked up that you feel like he is not "right" and he is just royally confused. Love him....

Now I am sure I'll be flamed as well... so be it and BTW I do not read hate mail.

ADDED after you SWH:
What you describe (giving hugs a lot, running after other kids, etc.) sound, very simply, like he is less mature than his peers. That is not something you can fix, period. His knowing what Minecraft is won't make him less likely to hug someone impulsively, or act out in other ways. You also mention fighting--another possible sign he's just not very mature yet and not able to handle situations with words or stepping back. Lack of maturity is not a condition or disease; it's something only time can truly change. If he is fighting and getting into trouble, work with the teachers and coach/Scout leader on specific ways to help him control himself better. The school counselor should be the first stop, and when you see the counselor (preferably ASAP), frame this as a maturity and impulse control issue, rather than a "fitting in and being liked" issue.

Original post:
Your son has very likely picked up on the fact that you are so worried about his "fitting in." Kids are remarkably good at picking up on parents' unspoken opinions of them. The less you worry about his fitting in, the better off he will be. He needs to know that YOU like him as he is -- not just that you love him because you're mom, but that you like him as a person. If you worry about his fitting in so much, he may get the opposite message, whether you mean for him to, or not.

Shared experiences and interests, not the same cool clothes and the "right" toys, make friendships that matter.

Does he enjoy baseball? Or does he just put up with it because you expect him to do it? Does he like Scouts? Or does he just tolerate it because he's told he needs to go? Be sure that any activity he does is one that he helps choose, so that he is engaged and especially so that other kids there are also equally engaged and he and they can share their enthusiasm with each other. If he does like baseball and Scouts, keep encouraging them, but if he's very lukewarm or resistant about either, work to find him an activity that fits more with what he really enjoys. It does not have to be a team sport; elementary schools have plenty of chess clubs, art clubs, science clubs, or you and he can explore what the local parks and recreation department offers, etc.

It's not that unusual for a young child--and he is still young--to "settle in with kids years younger or girls." He might just not be as high-octane as some of the boys his own age -- do you observe whether the boys he's around at school/sports/Scouts are rambunctious, loud, etc., and he's just not that way? If his personality is quieter, or quirkier, or more into brain than body, that's fine; find activities that encourage it. He will eventually find boys his age who have similar interests; at seven, kids are barely figuring out who they are, and are easily annoyed by any child who isn't just like them.

One other thing -- how do you know that boys his age find him annoying? What have you seen and heard that tells you that? Is this all his own reporting (which may indicate he has too low an opinion of himself) or have you observed this? Talk to his Scout leader, his coach, his teachers if you're concerned; they may not see the same interactions you are seeing and may think he's doing fine.

Don't pressure him, at seven, to "fit in" to some idea of how boys his age should act or should be with each other.

One thing disturbs me in the post: You equate the right clothes and toys and games with "fitting in." Can you see how that statement makes it appear that you might believe that being trendy or having what others have is important in life? Do you want your son to believe that, and to learn to want what other kids have so he'll be liked for what he has, and not who he is? I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, right?.....Take care that he doesn't start to get an unspoken, unintended message that mom and dad put a lot of importance on his appearance and his possessions as a way to make him better liked. Surely you don't mean that, but it may be the message he picks up.

from what you said: at 7 years old, he displaying off-key social behaviors like licking people (mentioned in your SWH) and he doesn't understand personal space or other social cues, and he's unhappy with his social status because he can't seem to understand how to interact with his peers.

He could be a late bloomer that just needs more time, but I would talk to your pediatrician about some of the behaviors you've noted and see if she/he has further advice for you and your son.

Chicken or the egg? Is he not happy with who he is because you keep pushing him to be someone he is not or does he really want to change? It isn't that easy to answer because you have probably been pushing him to be social since he was born. He knows that is what you want but he can't do it. Why don't you back off and let him find his way.

My older kids are very social, they can't imagine not being social. Their younger brother and sister don't even like being around them right now because they keep making them feel bad because they are happy to be left alone.

TF the why is easy, mom wants him to fit in as she sees fitting in as being. He wants to make her happy so he tries to be someone he is not. He fails and he gets angry. I really don't understand why some parents can't just let their kids be happy whatever that happens to look like.

And S., don't have a go at me. You are the one starting your question with wanting him to fit in and all the ways you have tried to make him fit in with a peer group he doesn't relate to. You say there is nothing wrong with that but you ask this question. So you are not okay with that, why?

kids form wolfpacks that seem awfully rough to us, but they have a legitimate function. and if parents can bear to let them work, they generally do. so if your son is annoying the boys his age, he may just have to annoy them until they tell him precisely what he's doing that makes them not like him. it will be a hard thing, probably harder for you than for him. but the endless parental micromanaging of kids has not done 'em much in the way of favors.
if you've done that, and your son is completely impervious to social cues AND to direct rebuffs, he may need to be tested. this isn't about bell bottoms or minecraft. you can't make your kid fit in by buying him the right jeans, no matter what the commercials say.
khairete
S.

The truth is we are all individuals and each of us are unique. Often times groups are formed from things they have in common. Your child has a preference and should be allowed to ok with his preference.

He needs to know how to be friendly but not too overly friendly but most importantly he should always be encouraged to be the best himself he can be and not necessarily fit in. What do his teachers say about his interactions with the other children perhaps this is your hangup and not necessarily his.

I'm in introvert and didn't really fit in with some of the circles I grew up in which was fine with me. I had plenty of friends in various forums from church to neighborhood, to summer camp, to afterschool activities (non school related), to school activities. If this isn't bothering him it shouldn't be bothering you.

ADDED
Character should matter more than clothes. Getting to the why of his misbehavior. If he doesn't like baseball, find another sport for him to be involved in. I love the different churches I have been a part of because they have all had vibrant programs and activities for children and youth. Perhaps your son would be better served getting involved in a Sunday school class or some other type of sport or activity that suits his termperment and tastes. It may be helpful for him to have counseling with a child counselor who may help him to learn social cues and other things that he could be missing. It would help him in group settings. Like reading body language and projecting better body language himself.

I hope this helps.

UPDATED
Your son does have his difficulties but so do you based on your so what happened opening statement to me. Ask yourself what is exactly wrong with being the ONE kid that doesn't have or do (blank)? I really believe even more now than ever your son would be best suited to getting professional help in learning about body language and social cues. His desire for approval from the crowd could get him into big trouble as he grows up. He needs to learn how to be less clingy, more independent and more confident. He won't get that by "trying" to fit in by wearing the right clothes or playing with the right toys but by discovering his strenghts and talents will help him navigate better life by playing to his strenghts instead of trying to get the square peg to fit into the round hole.

First, there is no such thing as the "right clothes" and the "right games and toys." Not a good mindset to have.

Second, your son is probably just a little "different." He might always be that way. If he has his own niche, and he is happy in that niche, then leave him be. Don't try to make him be different than he is.

Does he enjoy baseball and scouts? Maybe there's an activity that would better suit his unique personality?

He may always prefer girls as friends. And that's fine. And if he turns out to be gay, which is often the case with boys who tend to play with girls, it will make sense. (Sorry if that sounds like a stereotype but I've observed it to be true.) As the mother of a gay son, I can tell you that you might as well consider that possibility now, so that it doesn't come as a complete shock to you.

ETA - Getting into fights is another matter. I am responding to your question as you first wrote it.

He just sounds like he is immature for his age. Maybe he just needs to hang around with younger kids. Maybe he will catch up with his peers, maybe he won't. Does he have any multi-age classrooms in his school? That may be a good option for him (providing he is one of the older students in the class). There are always a few kids who are just young for their age. As for helping him to fit in, make sure you tell him when he is behaving inappropriately with his peers. Try using social stories to help him understand.

Our son usually only had one close friend (a different one per grade) until he got to middle school.
A lot of the kids his age were just childish (well duh, they are kids) but our son was at a higher maturity level than most of his peers.
In middle school his peers seemed to catch up to him and suddenly he had friends all over the place.
You need to observe your son with a group of kids his age.
What is it he does (or doesn't do) that seems to annoy the other kids?
Does he like to be bossy/have his own way a lot?
Younger kids will usually give in to an older kid - so he might enjoy being in charge.
Does he not want to follow what the other boys his age are doing?
I don't think this is about looking the right look, or having the right stuff/games/toys - this is about his behavior and group dynamics.
If his interests vary, then try him in different activities so he meets a wider range of kids than he'd meet at school and his current activities.
The more people he meets the better his chances for making new friends.

Hi, here's my two cents worth. We have some friends who have a son who had some social "issues". Mostly, kinda bossy, misbehaving in school, etc. His preschool teacher thought he had ADD but his 1st grade teacher suggested he get tested as gifted, which he is! Extremely so, I might add. Now he is in 7th grade and honors, etc. I mean way up there in the IQ category. So when you said tested and it came back as a normal 6 year old, not exactly sure what kind of test that was. Also, it may seem extremely hard to back off a little, but maybe you should give him a little space to develop his own personality and hobbies. Before you know it he will be 8, then 9 and so on. As mentioned before he is in scouts and baseball, but you didn't mention if he liked those activities. If he does, great, but maybe he's ready to try another sport..(btw, I think scouts is great if you can keep him in there). Give him the autonomy to try other sports or hobbies. About acceptable behavior...I would most certainly tell him that "licking people is not acceptable and they will not want to hang out with you if you act like that". 7 is young, but not too young to understand straight forward but loving correction. Lastly, if you fixate on "fitting in", and he picks up on that, he will begin to feel like something may be wrong with him. My youngest daughter was a little goofy at that age, and though she is fun loving and a still a little goofy, the maturity has started to show itself (she's 11 now). Love him and talk to him. Hugs.

My oldest was pretty immature and extremely handsy in the first grade and therefore he did not have many friends. He did see the school counselor once a week and she worked with him a lot about keeping his hands to himself and teaching him how to be a good friend.
We also bought this book (which his counselor borrowed and ended up buying also) and read it to him many times.
http://www.amazon.com/Personal-Space-Camp-Julia-Cook/dp/1...

I didn't read all of the responses. But we have a similar situation with out 7 year old son. I think sometimes it's harder for boys at this age, and maybe harder for girls as teens? But idk, since we're not there yet! In our neighborhood, there are one or two boys my son's age, but they don't really play together and I am fine with that. Those boys play a ton of video games, some of them online, and one of the boys has older siblings, and not much supervision--I've heard from at least one adult that he's not a nice kid, a bit of a bully, etc. My son, while he likes baseball and soccer, is not otherwise a "boys boy." What I mean by that is, he doesn't play by wrestling, or whacking stuff, rough play, etc. He'd rather play ball, explore for frogs, or just sit and build lego, read a book. And I am totally fine with that. If that means he doesn't fit in, then that is ok by me. Does your son seem to be lonely? My son plays with girls in the neighborhood, because they are more his "speed." I don't worry about it because he has friends at school, and he does cub scouts, soccer, and kids club at church. He's busy and happy. If your son has any kids his age in the neighborhood or at school, scouts, etc., he might gel with, maybe you could have a playdate? Just be careful not to send a message to your son that he has to "be" a certain way, wear certain clothes or play certain games, etc. The parents across the street do that to their 9 year old son--he has no interest in sports or scouts, but they force it in order to try to make him fit in. Let your son be himself, even if that means that he's not part of the crowd. Not saying that you're doing that--just mentioning that, in the focus to try to help him fit in, it can get a bit crazy.

one thing you can do is talk with him about spacial boundaries. about non verbal clues. and get him in to talk with the school psychologist / councelor. He might benefit from some social work time. most schools have one and if you talk to them they can observe and see what he needs. it does sound like he is on a younger maturity level. it also sounds like he might have an issue of some sort. my son was diagnosed adhd early. he had a really hard time with personal boundaries. if he wanted to say something he would get closer and closer until he made sure he had your complete attention forgetting that the other person may not want to hear it. he would also do the chasing running thing trying to fit in. he is way past all that now but is still more of a loaner than a joiner. talk to the counselor at school and see what they think.

**OK just saw your SWH and that he IS unhappy, getting in trouble, acting clingy, etc. ABSOLUTELY discipline him and tell him specifically which behavior is not OK. It is fine to tell him other kids don't like being chased and hugged. Don't be afraid to be blunt when he's making himself unpopular with bad behavior. I've always made sure my kids don't continue doing annoying things to people when they would try them.***

I think you should stop trying.

It's more important to teach him that fitting in is not important than that he needs to conform to everyone else in order to fit in, because when it doesn't work, there's a problem where there should not be one.

My kids DON'T get the latest clothes (well they accidentally have decent style by thrift store, hand-me-downs and some basic purchases but I don't cave to the trends or the begging for things other kids wear), and they ARE the only kids without video games and phones in their friend groups, and we do things differently than lots of people...but so what.

Now admittedly, they don't have trouble making friends, so I don't share your struggle, but my point is, the clothes and video games don't matter. And neither does fitting in. He's deosn't need to be "one of the group" to be happy, he needs a nice friend or two, and to feel satisfied with his days, even if that means playing legos in his room or drawing or whatever. Let him hang around the kids he likes, even if they are younger or girls. If he is happy, in time he'll attract his own "right friends". But kids who "try too hard" or have parents trying to hard for them, often suffer worse results. Many great thinkers were misfits. He could become popular all of a sudden any time.

Try not to worry about it as long as kids aren't being mean to him. I know several kids in my kids classes and activities who are sort of off on their own. I've even sent my kids to go include them in stuff, but the kids aren't interested. It's OK. Everyone is different. Don't try to follow the pack though with material items. It will lead to even more insecurity going forward if he grows up thinking those things matter.

Well, the lack of respect for personal space and the other kids getting annoyed is very much like ADHD. My son was very much like that. And the school insisted he was a perfectly normal 6 yo who was slightly immature. I finally took him elsewhere for an eval and they came up with ADHD. There is no specific test for that. You fill out a questionnaire as does his teacher and they are scored. But a child can act differently in the classroom and at home and the playground. My son could be a model student in the classroom but totally different other places. And teachers do not always monitor social activities. Is he one of the youngest in his class? We also found that to be a factor.

I wouldn't necessarily try to change his style of dress or find the right games. Other kids will see right through that at this age and it won't make them want to include him. The problem isn't his style or interest but his behavior around others. Let him dress his own way and if wants to hang with the girls, hey, he has friends. There are a few boys in my daughters 5th grade class that prefer to play with the girls and no one seems to tease them. I would suggest that you see if your school has a social group. We have one that meets at lunch a few times a month and helps some of the socially challenged kids with social skills. The other thing would be a therapist that can help with social skills. Therapy has helped us (it also helped me refine some parenting skills). And one more thing that could help- find a boy about age 9 or 10 that is willing to pay it forward and act as a big brother and hang out, a positive influence boy. The boy across the street will tell my son, "dude, you can't do that!" If he crosses the line with behavior. He can model the older boy a little bit also. Or even find a boy in his class to have some play time with.