Five Year Old Daughter Is Painfully Shy

Have you spoken with the teacher about this? I've worked in my children's classes for years, and have seen that some children act differently when their parents are around. My do that, sometimes, too. My son will sometimes get quiet when I work in his class.

Is she involved in anything? Maybe a dance class, swimming lessons, tai kwan do? These kinds of things will give her a common ground with the other children in the class, and should help her to open up.

I have always been shy, extremely so as a child. My mom was anxious about this on my behalf, and shoved me into all sorts of social situations, and I hated it intensely. I don't think it was helpful; if anything, I felt more desperate to back away.

I did NOT suffer when being a wallflower - that was where I was most comfortable. I suffered intensely when trying to live up to my mother's ideas of how I should be. But you know what? I was fine as I was. As I grew up, I learned that being introspective was good for my eventual career as an artist, and also that I had the ability to be quiet and listen to others who wanted the limelight. As a result, I am reasonably popular (everybody loves a good listener!), and well-liked by the friends I have acquired at my own speed.

Give your little girl opportunities to try new situations, but please don't force her to accept or like them. In an attempt to relieve your own discomfort about what you perceive as her "painful" shyness, you could cause her considerable pain.

I can completely relate to you. My daughter is a year younger than yours, in pre-K, but she was exhibiting the polarity in behavior between home and school as well. One of the moms here on this site introduced me to the concept of Highly Sensitive People and Children researched by Elaine Aron - it has been a the key that has unlocked the mystery about myself and my daughter. I had a meeting with her teachers at school - they went out and bought one of the books: "The Highly Sensitive Child" and there has been a major, positive shift in my daughter's confidence and social activity. I urge you to check out the website www.hsperson.com and see if it speaks to you.

Is your daughter content in playing on her own or is she sad, anxious, or nervous? If she is content then work more on accepting her where she is. She may be picking up on your underlying energy of concern and slight frustration - if she internalizes that she may begin to think there is something wrong with her.

Playdates helped us. Her teachers strongly suggest getting together outside the class, so that the kids make a connection one-on-one and the confidence and new friendship carries over into the class. Take the initiative and invite people to your house or to a park for a playdate. Ask your daughter if there is anyone that she would like to meet for a playdate after school; or ask her teachers if they have noticed your daughter having some connection to one of the kids in class (maybe brief moments of smiling, laughing, playing, or holding hands) or a personality match.

With my daughter, the playdates with children of the same temperament don't always go well. Her most successful playdates are with kids that are more outgoing.

I stumbled upon something this past week at the parent/preschool open swim that we started going to...a girl about my daughters age swam over to me because I was holding about 5 little toys that I was using to play with my daughter. When the girl came over to me, my daughter was focused on something else and was about 5 feet away from me. I greeted the little girl, smiled and asked if she wanted to share the toys; she smiled and said, "yes" and we started having a little play exchange back and forth. What I didn't notice at the time was that my daughter witnessed that exchange - I modeled for her how you meet and greet new friends, and she saw the positive outcome. Quickly my daughter swam over to us and the two of them hit it off and spent the rest of the time playing together. It was exciting to watch her meet a new friend, and it dawned on me that I could have been modeling this step for her for the last year.

As far as whether to hold your daughter back in Kindergarten for another year - it may be a good idea, if she doesn't seem confident and content in making friends by the end of the school year. Look to your teachers they are the experts. Have you had a conference with them to discuss your daughters temperament - together you can create a strategy to support and nurture your daughter's development - you are a team.

Best wishes
M.

I was a painfully shy child as well and it might help you to know that I ended up having several great friends and even became a cheerleader in high school. Looking back on my experience I have to say that I think I just didn't feel like I fit in anywhere or that I had any value. I think it would have helped in my case if my parents were able to help me find hobbies or activities that I enjoyed that gave me an outlet to express my unique abilities. I also think it might help your child if her older siblings were able to find some things they could do with her to help foster her feelings of acceptance and importance. Kids love to feel that others want to spend time with them and think that they are special just because of who they are. I know I would have loved to have someone in my life who took the time just to be with me and have fun with me. Building confidence is a very important factor in a childs life. I had to do it on my own but it can be done! Good Luck and God Bless, K.

If she is educationally ready to move on and you hold her back then you might be hurting her worse. If you keep her in Kindergarten again then all the faces will be new and she won't know anyone. If you let her go to first grade then she starts to form more bonds with the children in her old kindergarten class that are now in her first grade.
Pick a child and parent that you and your child should get along with and then invite them to some play dates. Don't invite any other children along - not even your own. This pushes her to play with the other little girl. Go to a couple of different outings: a resteruant with a playland, zoo, park. I don't know your child so their is different things that would work with different children. Some children you can sit next to each other and some what ignore them and then finally they will play together. Some you need to get down on the ground with and play dolls with them and talk about dolls with them. Doing something extra special with them and them asking them what there favorite thing was. Getting them to talk to each other is a big key.
If she is a child that will then latch onto you and won't go play then bring your four year old. If he is not shy around strange children than bring him with on some outings and have him go play with them. She will have someone she is familiar with and who is willing to play with this "other" child. This might take a few times. But getting her to have a "best friend" at school will make her life so much happier. My daughter happens to be the "best friend" and her friend really acts different when my daughter is around.

My daughter is a lot the same way. It fought it for a long time trying to change her, and finally came to terms with the fact that this is her personality and it is who she is. I have tried to accept who she is without always making her feel like she has to change. Once I backed off, I did notice that she felt more comfortable in social situations. The pressure we put on them to mingle and play together puts extra stress on them and makes them even more uncomfortable. The upside to your daughter being a wall flower is that she is observing everyone else and will learn from their mistakes without having to make them on her own. She is learning how to interact by watching even if she isn't willing to try it just yet.

I do recommend you start setting up play dates. Don't make them with lots of different girls though. Either ask your daughter which girl she would like to be friends with, or ask her teacher which one she thinks your daughter clicks best with. Your daughter is probably very aware of other girls' attitudes and rudeness, and such, so listen to her if she tells you she doesn't want to play with certain girls. She will feel a lot more comfortable if you and the other mom both stay at the play date. You could rehearse ways to talk to the other girl before hand. Go over how she can politely suggest an activity, how she can turn down an invitation to play something she doesn't want to, and things the girl might say that she should not take personally. It will take time, and quite a few play dates before they become best friends. After that, she will grow socially in school through her friend in a way she is still comfortable with.

You can't blame her for not wanting to be a part of the Kindergarten name calling, making fun of eachother, back stabbing, and other such girl stuff.

I think playdates are definately a good idea! Ask her about kids that she is interested in getting to know better. make sure to only have 1 other child invited for a playdate so they are encouraged to play with each other and help the kids play. Try to find a common interest between the kids so it won't be so akward at first. Talk to the other child's mom about why you want to have a playdate. Most other parents want to help out and they can encourage their child to interact with yours. Most importantly keep encouraging her to develop relationships with other kids. Don't give up because socialization is very important in kindergarten for the rest of your childs life! As far as holding her back...It might work and it might not. First she still needs more confidence even if she is with younger kids or not. I feel it would be important to keep her with kids that she is familiar with so you can encourage more friendships. I would keep working with the teacher to help support your daughter. As a preschool teacher, I for one, would support and encourage more interactions with other kids for your daughter and support you and your concerns as well. My question is....did she have any other social experiences before Kindergarten? If not, that would explain a lot to me. She is still trying to figure out how to be a friend and how to get other kids to play with her......Good luck!

Hello,
My daughter is shy too, and has a hard time making friends. Most of the time she just gets picked on. She is some what over weight, but not enough to cause problems.
She never gets invited to others homes for play dates or parties.
I know what you mean, by heart breaking. I don't know what to tell her when she finds out that some of the not so nice girls are invited to parties and she is not.
I don't really think that having her do kindergarten again is the answer. If she is doing well as far as grades go. We have to face the facts that some people just fit in. I hope your little grows out of being so shy and mine too. Best of luck to both of you.

Kerry-

Try not to stress over it too much. I was a painfully shy kindergartener too. Then in first grade I met my best friend, and we did everything together - even got into trouble together!

I'm still a slightly shy adult, but I've learned. And your daughter will most likely grow out of it, too.

However, playdates with other kids her age is a good idea to open up her possibilities for friends. Also taking her to the park during busy times will give her opportunities to interact with others.

Good luck to you!
-B.-

Kerry,
As a young child I was terribly shy at school until the eighth grade. There is nothing wrong with your child. There are others like her out there. I would not have her repeat Kinder unless her learning is not up to average. Talk with her teacher and go from there. If her teacher is not responding to you then go directly to the principal. Just know that there are some drawbacks to holding a child back. I would only do it if her learning skills aren't developed yet. Give her some time and she will blossom.
My son is the youngest in his class as well as the smallest. He is shy as well until you get him around his friends. He met all of his friends through school sports; even girls, and his best friend we met at the Kindergarten summer orientation. It's difficult for some children to make friends, but don't worry, she will. I met a lot of the parents through volunteering in the school, classroom and PTA. This was a great way that my involvement got my son to be less shy. Give it a try. You have nothing to lose but shyness. Cheers!

I know you're done, but I have one thing that was HUGE for my son this year--I figured out in November that he hadn't ever really "heard" the names of his classmates, so he had two classmates he recognized and could talk about (and think about!) and everyone else was just a big confusing mass.

I took his class roster and made a sing-song of the names, so he could get used to the sound of them and start picking them out of the teachers' speaking. About a week and a half later, bang, he was excited to go to school and was starting to talk about the other kids in the class!

Anyhow, it's funny the little things that can be 'key' when we find them. Have fun with your daughter :)!

Summer birthdays are the hardest for parents deciding what's best for their kids. I have twin boys with summer birthdays who struggled socially. We held them back and it was the best decision for us. It wasn't that they didn't want to play with others, they just didn't know how to. A year of maturity helped that.

I would talk to the teacher extensively before making any decisions. Is she suffering is class? Is she happy to go to school. Not every child has lots of friends. You need to find out what is really best for your daughter, not what you think is best for your daughter.

I also want to respond to one who said look into ADD or Aspergers. My twins are mildly autistic. I would be careful doing too much research on your own without talking to a professional who really knows the ins and outs of those diagnoses. You can look at some of the symptoms and say "That's my daughter!!" but it really boils down to a combination of social and developmental delays. If your daughter didn't have any developmental delays early on, or if she didn't regress in any way, it's probably not autism.

Good luck in making your decision. I think the issue with friends can be one of the hardest things for parents to deal with.

My question to you is this- is it painful for her or just for you? I was 'painfully' shy as a child too and my parents pushed me all the time to go to birthday parties and have birthday parties. They pushed me to have friends and to be social because that was how they thought I needed to be. The only thing painful for me was their efforts and knowing that they thought there was something wrong with me. I cringed anytime anyone said I was shy. I didn't feel shy- I was very sure that I didn't have anything to say to a lot of the kids at school. They weren't always nice- teasing and picking on each other. My parents taught me that kind of behavior was wrong so I didn't understand why they wanted me to be friends with them and why I was the one with the problem. Things may not always be how you wanted them to be for her but it may be what she wants. She is also very young, only 5, and still learning social skills in a school setting. She could, as many girls do, suddenly become a very social person (you may wish for these 'shy' days again!) However, if you continue to worry about it and think it might be something more, and that it is interfering with her ability to function, I would suggest researching ADD- a lot of girls are not diagnosed because they are not 'causing a problem' in school. Also, Asperger's deals with social challenges on a variety of levels. You could check out ADDitude magazine or listen to some kids talk about having Asperger's on youtube. Just remember- above all- accept her for how she is and she will be much more confident and better off than if she is made to feel that something is 'wrong' with her.
I hope this helps-

Kerry,

I agree, if she is terribly shy, try to find something that she loves doing, sports, dance, dance, music, underwater basket weaving :) whatever it is, encourage her to do it. Finding common ground with your peers is a great way for kids to open up with each other.

Best of luck.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Your daughter is obviously uncomfortable with the classroom setting for some reason. Try to talk with her to find out what she likes about school and what she doesn't like about school. Play school with her at home to see if she reveals anything. If she plays with her little brother alot, she may just be use to being the older child and being the youngest in her class makes her uncomfortable. Making her repeat kindergarten can also be a delicate matter. How is she doing academically? You never want your child to feel she is stupid so she has to repeat a grade. Make it a positive thing by telling her she'll be the big girl in class and she'll be one of the smartest because she got a head start and has already started learning stuff. My oldest son had sort of the same situation but opposite. He was big for his age and had a fall birthday so he was the oldest in class. He wouldn't interact with his classmates because he thought they were all "babies". We moved him up a grade and he immediately made friends and enjoyed school. Good Luck.

When I taught preschool, I would always suggest a playdate for the kids who were extra shy. i'm not sure what you mean by "disaster", but in my experience, a playdate with the right child at the shy child's home has always helped. It is important that your daughter have someone to HER house, where she feels most comfortable and confident. And it is also important to pick the right child for the playdate- ask the teacher who might be a good match- probably someone who is more outgoing than your daughter, but not someone who would be too overwhelming for her. Has your daughter mentioned any other children at school that she would like to be friends with? (on thing to consider- is she unhappy about being shy, or is it most difficult for you?)

I can understand how hard it must be for you to watch her in the classroom. Maybe she's just a naturally shy and introverted person, in which case you wouldn;t want to push her into something she's not comfortable with. In my experience, however, once the shy children have a friend to their own house a few times, they tend to make the connection to the other child at school too and begin to feel more confident.

Hi Kerry,

My question is... does your child feel lonely, isolated, upset that she doesn't have friends? One of my best friends growing up was my brother who is 13 months younger and we are still close. He was always around to play with, so I didn't feel a strong need to find other play mates. If she is happy, then there is no need to do anything. Some people are more introverted and don't need lots of friends. I would talk to her about whether she would like to have play dates and let it be if she doesn't. If the teacher hasn't brought it up, it's also possible that she is reserved only in your presence (trying to be on good behavior!).

I was extremely shy as a child, and turned out just fine, and want to encourage you to not expect too much of her, nor to excuse her behavior either, as that makes the problem worse. I would try small groups first, inviting over a classmate or other child her age, and get them involved so that you can be the one helping her open up. Have playdates often enough with the same kid(s) so that she gets confident with them, before expecting it in the classroom (which at this point is overwhelming). I wouldn't bother repeating kindergarten, as learning isn't the issue. Maybe enrolling her in a small class where she can shine would help too (like swimming, or gymnastics or whatever she likes), as they are smaller groups, and less focus on social skills but are still developing them. Building her inner confidence will overall help her to overcome this, as well as gentle encouragement to come out of her shell. Hope this helps.

Kerry,

Being shy can be painful to us and to the shy one. All 3 of my children were painfully shy as little ones, my daughter more so than the boys, in 2nd grade her teacher bought a microphone so that my daughter could be heard when doing her oral reports. I too was very worried, but Mrs. Lewis the 2nd grade teacher worked with my daughter and did not make her feel bad about being shy, but her also did not let my daughter stay UN involved. If your child is learning and growing in her academic (and even a little in her social) skills why would you hold her back? I had to work to get my children to open up with me, oh sure they were loud and chatty at home, but to get to the real person took some work. I started playing basketball (horse) as soon as they could throw a basketball into the hoop. The rules were if you miss a shot (instead of spelling out H.O.R.S.E) you had to talk about something deep inside of you: a fear, a dream, a hurt, a joy, something you did that were have been afraid to talk about, something that made you angry etc…. But these rules go for all players (so I had to put myself out there) however it worked! I learned about my children, they learned about me, and we built a very close relationship of trust.

Please make sure that she has not been sexually abused. She sounds like me at that age. I was abused by a stepbrother ten years older than me. Sorry to bring it up. I had to mention it.

J.

When my son started pre-school we encouraged playdates and I formed relationships with the other parents. This made it easier for him to talk to the kids when their parents were gabbing. We also throw parties on occasion. We invited a few of his new kindergarten classmates, siblings and parents over early in the year to a party and, even though one of the girls he gave an invitation to decided to give it to someone else, that boy is now one of his best friends. They also take two different outside/athletic classes togethern which has really added to the quality of their time together. Good Luck!

I, too, am the mother in a blended family (2 mine, 3 his, and one ours now aged 25 to 15). My youngest was just like your daughter - played wonderfully at home with her siblings, but out in public would cling and refuse to acknowledge anyone. Once she started school she was the same way to the point the school was considering special testing. Just a few months into 1st grade she began to open up (with out the testing). Jen will be 16 in a few days. She participates in classes, has made some close friends, and can handle herself very well in public. She is still shy in some circumstances, but we joke that she didn't talk until 1st grade and now we can't shut her up! LOL. If your daughter is participating at home, then chances are pretty good that she will eventually warm up to the outside world. Was her play date at your own home? Maybe having a play date in familiar surroundings would help? Hug her, enjoy her and help her to be the best she can be, but don't push.

I'm a Kindergarten teacher in the Kent School District, and I have seen many of little ones so shy. I have had students who won't play with others but also let me know that no one is playing with them at recess. What I try to do when I find a shy student like that is to find something they really are into and find another student who also is into that thing. Then I find an activity that will involve this (such as printing out Princess pictures to color, putting them on http://www.starfall.com together, etc (best website to learn letters and how to read.) You may ask the teacher if she's willing to help you. Tell her your concerns but also understand that finding time to do this in her day may be limited (especially if she's in a half day Kindergarten.)

You can ask your little one if there is anyone in the class they really like or kind of like. You can also ask the teacher if there are any good matches for your daughter and have them go on a playdate.

Also, involving her in an outside of school activity such as dancing will help her to socialize with others who have similar interests.

As for retaining your child, it really depends on several factors. When children are not ready to move onto first grade emotionally and academically then yes. If she is really ready for first grade academically, then I'd worry about retaining her for just being shy. She will be bored in Kindergarten the following year. You and your teacher know best. Bring up your concerns to her. At our school, we have social groups put together by our counselor for children who need extra work on socializing.

Hope this helps :)