Food Fight, Schedules, Obedience

S.,
With the food issue let her pick out a couple recipes and help you make it. The more involved she is in making it, the more likely she'll be to eat it. Good luck. T.

Hi S.,
I have a 4 yr old boy that has a mind of his own also. Have you tried taking things away from her? We have been taking away candy or cartoons or something that he really likes to do/play with and it really seems to get the message across. For now anyway, ha! When he starts acting up we threaten that he won't get to do something or won't get candy/snack if he doesn't eat dinner (in the same instance as you, my son does not eat dinner very well) and he pulls out of it pretty quick...not to say that we don't have to remind him several times but it usually works. Hope this helps!

First of all, bless your heart. I have been in a similar situation with my now 8 year old daughter. She is the pickiest eater from here to Mars. My biggest question regarding eating: Does she not eat a single thing on her plate? Second of all, I would take away the bedtime snack. From my own personal experience, the bedtime snack gives her a reason not to eat her meal. At our house we have what we call a "sometime dessert." Meaning if we have it in the house then you can eat it, if we don't then there probably isn't going to be a bedtime snack.
Regarding discipline. Difficult subject. Our discipline issues were related to an underlying matter with the in-laws which is now resolved, but it did make it difficult to deal with. Besides the point, the type of discipline that works with our daughter has been the involvement of losing priviledges such as playing with her friends, watching TV, and etc. I guess the only thing I can suggest is finding a method that works without causing emotional harm in a negative way. Losing toys is a positive way since the child will be able to see what the consequences of her actions will bring rather than yelling and screaming at each other. I have to admit, my 8 year old and I did that quite a bit. It caused more hurt than harm. More child-friendly approaches seemed to work in our house a lot better. Removal from the difficult situation with the in-laws helped too, in our case. I hope this helps. As we all know, raising a child is not easy but it is so rewarding. Good luck to you. You will do what is best for your child, just don't let the child make the rules. You know what is best for her.

On the eating thing you really have to stand your ground. My 7 year old will eat anything I put in front of her. She has a couple of goofy little things she doesn't like, but very few. I strongly believe the reason for that is because I always made her eat what I ate. I never did the whole making her a special dinner because she didn't like what was cooked. Children will try to use their food as a control issue. Take that option away. I have to say I think that if your child refuses to eat I would do away with the bedtime snack. Right now she knows that if she doesn't eat dinner something else waits for her later. If she is still refusing to eat after a couple of nights then make her stay at the table until she has eaten enough that you think she is getting some nutrition. After a couple nights of no fun because she has to stay at the dinner table, I guarantee she will start eating after that. My parents had a child when I was 17 and she is now 9 and is the pickiest eater I have ever seen. It was because if she didn't want what they had for dinner they would give her somehting else just so she would eat. She has done nothing but get worse.

If it is any consolation, my four and a half year old daughter and I have many of the same battles, but we have not had the challenges that your family has faced. I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I believe it comes with the territory for some kids, especially smart ones.

As far as the schedule goes, I personally don't believe in rigorous schedules, unless you think your child needs that. She probably just wants to have a little more control in her life. At her age, kids are figuring out that they are their own little people who can make their own choices. They just need to know how far that goes.

Could you try giving her more choices? Like why not ask her if she wants a banana or a pear and let her decide. The key is to have choices you can live with. As far as nutrition goes, give her a multi-vitamin, give her a small amount of balanced food at dinner, provide healthy snacks, and don't fight over it. She will be fine. Most likely, if it doesn't seem to irritate you, she will be better.

As far as the other battles, I have had to do some parental retraining for myself on this recently. I found myself saying no to my daughter and then backtracking when she threw a fit. I am now being more deliberate in my no's and sticking to them, even if that little part inside me is saying, "Ah, just give it to her." When I tell her, "This is not negotiable," that means, FOR REAL...NO!

Finally, try a good attitude chart or something similar. My daughter wanted some pretend food, so I spent $10 on 114 pieces. For every day she is pleasant and keeps her room clean, she gets to pick another piece. This is working well so far.

Keep in mind that those same characteristics that are so hard to deal with now like tenacity, determination, knowing what you want and waiting until you get it, arguing for your cause, etc. are the very same characteristics that will make her a fabulously successful adult one day!!!

Hi Stacey,
Well I'm a home child care provider and I live by my schedule. I would go crazy if I didn't have a set time that we do things around here. So I will give you mine and you can "tweak" it to your needs...
7:30 am kids get up and dresses
8:00 am breakfast
8:20 am my son gets (6 y/o) his coat and shoes on.
8:30 am waiting for the bus (she comes anywhere between then and 8:40 am)
9:00-11:00 am My 3 y/o and a 2 y/o get up to the table for learning time.
11:30 am I start lunch
12:00 noon lunch time
1:00 pm - 3:00 pm afternoon nap
4:00 pm snack time
5:00 pm I start dinner
6:00 pm we eat dinner
8:00 pm bath time
9:30 bedtime

** Now for your 2 y/o and your 5 y/o you could do the same thing as I am from 9 to 11, if you aren't already. My daughter and the other little girl I watch really look forward to this everyday and I ask them to pick up toys while I get their things out we are gonna do that day.

Now for other times in the day you can implement other things like free play, playing with play do, etc.

At afternoon nap this is when your younger child could go down for nap and then you are able to have more one on one time with your older daughter. You can read or even do things that have to do with learning that are a little more advanced for your 2 y/o.

I think for your situation she might be needing a little more regularity in her life and this way she will know what happens next. I think this would solve alot of your head butting with each other.

Also just remember pick your battle in every situation. For my kids and my daycare kids that can pick from 2 things for snack at snack time. The have to eat something at breakfast, lunch and dinner. If they get down from the table before finishing their plates they don't get anything else the rest of the night. My kids don't have a bedtime "snack" but they do have a bedtime "drink", they usually want strawberry or chocolate milk, so the get about 2 inches in a small cup.

So besides starting the schedule and routine, make your rules and decide where you will fight your battles.
Also part of your dinner issues might be if she is eating lunch or snack to close together to dinner. About 3 or 4 hours is good between each meal and then about 1 to 2 hours between snack and dinner. Then depending on dinner time ould depend on bedtime.

For your husband getting off late I can relate to that, not the same situation really but I still can. My husband leaves at 8:45 am and if we are lucky he will be home by 8:00 pm, so I wrap up dinner for him and put it in the oven to keep it warm for him. I hope this all helps you in some way, W.

Well, I would stick to offering close-ended choices. You say she can have a banana, but she wants a pear. A choice: do you want a pear or a banana? should eliminate that problem. And if what she wants is not unreasonable, it does not undermine your authority to agree. If you say she can have a banana and she wants ice cream, well, that's unreasonable. But a pear is not. She might see you as unreasonable if you argue over pear v. banana. And if you want her to eat dinner, why give her a bedtime snack? Eating before bed is not very healthy, anyway, and a five year old certainly doesn't need a snack to make it through the night. Also, if you use a timer, you could avoid a lot of stalling. Tell her it's bedtime, tell her you're setting the timer for 15 minutes, and she should be ready for bed by then (helping her as needed). If she runs out of time, she cannot read a story or whatever reward (she would still have to brush her teeth, but maybe have her do that first so it can't be avoided by running out of time). Truly, not letting her see that she is getting to you will help, no matter how frustrating. Good luck!

I absolutely agree with Mary F. We have similar rules at our house. I give them free will to eat any fruit or veggie they want for snack and they do not even have to ask. Then at dinner you either eat what is served or wait until dinner. Sometimes they choice to wait. Reinforce to them that it is their choice if they do not eat not yours so if they get hungry they can only blame themselves. Remember to look at what a child eats in a week not in a day.

I feel for you with your husband having an odd schedule but you need to attempt to get the kids and yourself into some kind of schedule. If Dad doesn't get home from work until late do not keep the kids up. I know that if my 5 year old doesn't get enough sleep she will make life difficult for herself and everyone around her.

The next time she tries to argue answer with "I love you to much to argue". Pick your battles wisely. Give her more opportunity to make choices but limit them to only two and make sure you are willing to live with either one of the choices. By offering choices you empower her and at the same time you keep some control. You might want to try a Love and Logic course. I have found that many of their techniques if applied correctly, really do work.

Good luck!

For our daughter if she wont eat what she is given for dinner then she doesn't eat till breakfeast. Missing one meal wont hurt her. It wont cause an eating disorder either. She is testing you and she knows if she doesn't eat dinner at say five she will get a yummy snack at eight. We also have our daughter on a set wakeup and to bed times. She gets up at 6:30 and is in bed at 8:00. she test every couple of nights to stall we just don't let her. She gets hugs and kisses then to bed if she gets up after that it is stright back to bed. Last night she was laying for 30 minutes then came out to go potty we let her go because she had been in bed for so long. Then she fell right to sleep. Just stick to your guns and remember you are doing the best for her. I know it is hard being a military family, but I grew up as one and my parents had me in bed by eight if mom was not home dad put me to bed. I don't think there was much fighting but I'm sure there was before I can remember.

I think it must be the age. My daughter didn't go through the terrible 2s or 3s, but when she turned 4, she really started testing the limits. She's 5 now and stalling is a MAJOR issue for us too. When she doesn't listen to me the first time, I try to get down on her level, gently take her arm and get her to look at me. Then I slowly repeat what I was saying. Also, when she DOES do what I ask the first time, I'm sure to always praise her-- "oh, look how fast you did what I asked! I love it when you do what I ask right away!"

As for schedules, I found that once we found the "right" bedtime, things were much improved. We had been starting the bedtime routine (pjs, snack & books, teeth, bed) at 7:30, but found that if we just waited until 8:00, things went much more smoothly. But if we wait until 8:30, it's a crabby, overtired battle. So find that "sweet spot" and do whatever it takes to get her to bed at that time.

As for eating, our daughter only gets dessert if she finishes her dinner. So once she starts fooling around, I say, "You can be done now, but there will be no dessert. Do you choose to finish and have dessert, or get down now and skip dessert?" Sometimes she chooses to not finish eating and skip dessert, and I'm fine with that. We had to make it clear at the beginning that once she got up from the table, her dinner was going in the trash and she couldn't change her mind later. We only had 2 battles over that (she asked to finish dinner when it was time for bed, but we'd already thrown it away) and now she knows that she has one chance to eat and that's it.

She gets a bedtime snack, but I make sure it is always something relatively good for her. When she eats her dinner, she gets goldfish or graham crackers, if she doesn't eat her dinner she gets fruit, green peppers or cucumber (a fruit or veggie that she likes and I know she'll eat) and crackers. You can always give her a choice between 2 healthy things so she feels more in control. Good luck!

Stubborn little girls can drive a mom crazy...I have a 3 year old who was born with her own opinion about EVERYTHING! With the dinner/food issue...it might be easier to get her to eat if she helps you make the dinner or if you allow her to help choose (between 2 things you wouldn't mind making anyways) what will be for dinner. Alot of times I do this with my little one and she LOVES to help mommy! Also, I try to decide the night before what she is going to wear the next day, if we pick it out together...it saves her arguing that she does NOT want to wear something as we are trying to get out the door. Oh...I can tell you that she has gone to MDO all kinds of mismatched, funky dressed b/c it is not worth the battle. I see other girls in her class with shoes that don't match the outfit. We've all been there, we all know. Pick your battles...don't stress yourself out! Tell her once she gets ready for bed, she can pick out ANY 2 books and you will read them to her, but if she doesn't get ready in the next 5 minutes it will go down to 1 book, then after 10 minutes no books. Stick to your guns with a stubborn child. That is about ALL that works for me!! GOOD LUCK! Hope u find ANY of this helpful! Boys don't seem to care so much about any of it (what they wear, winning the battle, etc...)thank goodness!!

She is testing you and you have to stand your ground. As far as food goes if she is not eating dinner then there should be no bedtime snack. We had to do this with my picky 6 year old. He would not eat dinner and then ask for a snack an hour or so later. And since he was missing out on the more filling meal we cut out the snack. We still have a very s...l...o...w... eater but he will try everything at least once sometimes grudgingly but he tries it. We also started a New Foods Are Fun Game. Basically if he tries a new food that he says, and we know, he doesn't like then he gets a smiley face. If he finishes a whole portion of that food he gets another two smiley faces. If he gets three smiley faces then he gets extra dessert once he finishes the rest of the foods that he likes on the plate.

Your odd schedules may be why she is trying to control so many other aspects of her life as well. If it's just your husbands work schedule and you can still keep her on a pretty regular routine then that should help. Kids love routine. My husband's class schedule was different every eight weeks or so for four years and we just finished it. I wasn't really ready for them to start voicing their frustration with that situation now that he is home every evening but that's happening.

As far as the arguing, I am with you there. I am so sick of having to debate my stance and argue with my kids. However, while they are trying to test boundaries and become their own people that's what they need. I give options, generally only two, and that's it. Sometimes they pitch a fit and get mad at me and I explain, once they've calmed down a little, that this is okay because sometimes you aren't going to be able to do things your way and you have to learn to deal with that. It is okay for your kids to not understand your reasoning and for them to get upset with you. Sticking your ground and being a person of your word is what will matter in the end toward growing a child that does the same. Someday the bright, intelligent, stubborness will serve a purpose and you'll be really proud of those qualities. Good luck!!!

I am in a very similar situation. We do not get home until 6-7 pm most nights with the kids. It is hard to get dinner ready eat and bathe them and get them to bed at a decent hour. In fact some nights it seems like I go to bed and my 2 & 4 year olds are still getting up wanting water or go potty etc.

I have been working on the 4 year old recently with her allowance. I figure if she doesn't go to be by 9 pm then she looses a quarter. If it is close I don't worry about it but that is my threat. But we are still working on implementing it. Last night was the most successful but her sister was dealing with an injury and it was a pretty serious situation.

Lately I have been working at time outs as soon as she ignores me on a request. That seems to be having some effect. I read last week about the 3 minute timer. So as soon as I ask her to do something and it is obvious she heard me and is choosing not to respond. We take a time out. It depends on the situation but she goes to her time out place and will sit there for 3 minutes.

If you get any more good ideas, let me know!!!

My whole life changed when I had someone recommend a tape series from John Rosemond. He has a long background in parenting and a no-nonsense approach that recalls the way parenting was done by our grandparents. He is very conservative and his thoughts often fly in the face of popular psychology but I can safely say my family has changed a LOT since we took some of his advice to practice. He has a website, rosemond.com that will direct you to books and answer questions about him and his philosophy.
Check in out and good luck.

We went threw this with my now 14 yr old daughter and She sounds just like your daughter!I can tell you that I ended up taking her to the grocery store and she helped me pick out things she wanted to eat ,now I know that there is 9 years apart in our children and now days its more healthy foods but you might be suprisedat what she picks and you are letting her help you.Sometimes they are just wanting your attention or her dads who isnt always around.have her pick her snack and see if theres a book she would like to read .For now let the world be hers and see what she is really wanting .Is it more mommy time or daddy time,and also relax if your tense so are your children.
I hope this will help a little I can tell you that my daughter found that she liked to dip her food in applesauce and would eat anything as long as applesauce was on her plate,wierd thing is she still does it !!!
good luck and dont give up this phase shall pass!!!
Chris

I have the same eating issues with my 3 children (6yrs, 4yrs, and 2yrs old). They won't eat what I cook, so I usually make them a separate meal. They have a limited number of foods they'll eat like Macaroni and Cheese, Hot dogs, Chicken, Fruit, they wouldn't touch a vegetable. They also eat yogurt and drink lots of milk and juice and eat peanut butter sandwiches. It's annoying to have to make them something different for dinner, but at least they're eating. And they don't get a snack if they haven't eaten most of or all of their dinner. Kids are so stubborn nowadays that they will happily go hungry if they know snacks are coming. We differentiate between healthy snacks and junkfood snacks. They only get the junk after they've had something healthy. They seem to be doing okay, they're at a good weight and they have more energy than I do! Good Luck, hope this helped.

Don't fret. I am going through the same thing right now with my 5 year old son. But you need to be consistent. Even with your husband not there you need to be the one that is consistent. And when he is home he can show that he is also in charge and your daughter will start to respect you for that. As for the eating you fix whatever you want for dinner and if she doesn't want to eat then she shouldn't get a snack. That is what my husband and I do with our son. They will eventually eat because they will get hungry. Hope it helps and if not then I'm sorry.

First off, schedule is everything, little ones tend to thrive on routine, if things happen in a familiar manner it feels safe.
Secondly, instead of telling her she can have a banana, offer her two or three healthy options to choose from, it will transfer some control of the situation to your daughter and ease the struggle to a degree.
Third, set boundaries, explain the need for them, and carry through on consequences. i.e. bedtime - "Honey, it's time to get ready for bed now. Lets go pick out what pajamas you're going to wear tonight and a book to read, then we'll brush teeth and wash our faces." Let her help make choices in regards to the task you want to accomplish, educate about the importance of good hygiene while you're doing the same task with her and rolemodeling it for her, allow an adequate amount of time to complete the task, and do it the same way EVERY night. She'll probably love the time spent with you in the bathroom and reading a bedtime story. If she still resists then establish a relative consequence, like no dessert the next night because sweets and not brushing teeth just don't mix well.Then don't cave in the next night when it's dessert time.
I'm not a fan of hitting children, but understand that a quick swat on the fanny sure does get the attention quickly. A catch phrase we used when my middle son was not following directions was, "I've told your ears twice now to please ( DO or STOP DOING a particular behavior). I'm afraid the next time I will have to tell your butt." Carrying through with a swat about half a dozen times let him know that I meant what I said and he became much better at following directions.
Hope it helps...

S.,
You are NOT doing anything wrong!!!!!! All of our kids like to test us. I notice I have more of a problem with my boys when dad is deployed. I think they are just looking for ways to get that extra attention they are missing out on. Or to see if they can push me enough to just give up and give them their way.
When I make dinner and they decide they dont want to eat, I cover up that plate and they do not eat anything until they eat that. You do have to put your foot down and let them know YOU are the boss and they live by your rules, as mothers we have that power to tell them what is good for them. You just need to be consistant with them. If you say something follow up on it, dont tell her she has to eat a bananna and then let her argue with you and you give in and let her have that pear. THat is showing her that if she argues she will get her way.
You are not the only one that feels like you dont have a clue on what to do. We all go through that!!!!!
I have just started my 1st deployment and I am already walking around lost. We just need to keep our heads up and NOT give up.