For Moms of High-schoolers or Soon to Be High-schoolers- How Do You Do It?

I've had three (very different) kids in a huge, wildly diverse, public high school.

They all thrived (not without hairy moments).

As will yours. At least if you show them they can.

:)

This will sound strange but fear of outcomes is illogical. First statistically speaking you have a greater chance of being struck by lightening than having a major event happen to you. Major events like plane crashing, school shooting, even a really bad car accident.

That isn't to say these things can't happen it is just they are random and very very seldom.

So say you chose the private school and then the private school has a shooting, your questioning your choice actually caused the bad thing to happen. You decided to cross the street in a less used intersection but because it generally doesn't have traffic a driver wasn't paying attention, splat!

To me this is very much like gambling. I can count cards which actually puts me at an advantage but I still cannot be 100%, by counting I will actually create a bad choice every so often though I cannot recall the exact percentage. I don't gamble often, sorry.

My point is when things are random and unpredictable you shouldn't base anything on them. You are simply in no way in control of the outcome so don't burden yourself with the guilt of a wrong decision when there is no right decision.

Clear as mud?

I live in the NY metro area - and if there was ever an area known for violence they are the neighborhoods that are not too far from my town. Consider that Newtown, CT where all those little children lost their life was in a rural community - and it was an elementary school. My husband is a NYPD sergeant and worked for many years in a plain clothes unit hunting down bad guys who were committing robberies and stealing cars, etc. He'd tell me stories afterwards that made me glad I didn't know what was going on at the time.

People driving to work and get in horrible auto accidents, houses burn down, terrorist fly planes into buildings, etc. Horrible stuff happens - in small towns, and in cities and everywhere in between. Evil does exist. We live in a fallen world - where the perfection we were created with no longer exists. BUT - we cannot become a prisoner of our fear.

When my husband became a NYPD police officer I had to make the decision to hand him off to God - becuase I had no control over what happened. After 9/11 I still had to go into the city to see clients, I still had to take subways, I still had to take elevators to very high floors.

With our children we live under this illusion that we can control what happens in their life and what they are exposed to. As they grow up this is less and less true. As a Christian I am more concerned about the stuff they are exposed to in high school that runs against our family values - like Planned Parenthood holding seminars discussing abortion on demand as a birth control method, explicit explanation of various methods of sex, cultural and political propaganda incorporated in to social studies and English classes, etc.

Ultimately we moms have to cover our children with prayer and hand them off to the one who loves them best. We need to explain our values while they're still at an age where they listen to us. Sometimes we have to explain again. We need to teach them ways to get out of uncomfortable situations, and in the very highly unlikely sitaution of a shooting how to protect themselves and the people around them.

We too went through the evaluation process of where they should go to school. My 17 yr old daughter has been doing her last two years of high school online with Liberty Academy, but my 14 yr old son will most likely finish at the public high school as they offer the Information Technology and Engineering programs he wants that the local Christian school can't come close to offering.

Parenting is not easy and as they grow up it gets more difficult in ways I did not expect. My kids both are away on the high school youth group retreat for 5 days - returning tomorrow. Our house feels so empty it seems to echo. My daughter leaves for a week in Nicaragua on a missions trip in 11 days and suddenly the concept of the empty nest is becoming a reality in the not too distant future.

Yes I worry about my kids, I worry about my husband - but ultimately I hand it off to their creator since I know He loves them even more and has great plans for their lives. Read Psalm 139 - it's a comfort to know we cannot escape Him.

If your anxiety is causing real problems in your life then you need to think about medication, psychotherapy or behavioral therapy.

I went through a stage where I was having panic attacks without an external trigger (meaning my body just decided it was going to go wacky; I didn't have a specific worry like you do) so my only recourse was medication. After taking it I felt so very much better.

Other things that can help....meditation, no caffeine, relaxation therapy.

Good luck. Anxiety is terrible.

Well, it's kind of like you said in your post. Abhorrent acts of violence can happen anywhere... even at a small private school. It is a pipe dream to think any amount of rules or regulations or security can make any school (or work place or anything else) completely safe. There are ALWAYS going to be risks.

I tend to take comfort in my faith and the worldview that brings with it. Our entire lives are full of suffering... even those with "charmed" lives. They struggle with things not seen to outsiders. We all have those struggles. Everyone lives with stress and fears. They vary from person to person, but we all have them. They are facts of life. So any "good," any "happy," and "joy" any "beauty" is a gift.
That may sound pretty depressing, but actually it is freeing. Our job is to persevere through the stress and fear and struggle and to enjoy the good to its fullest, knowing that as long as we breathe, we will have stress and struggles of one variety or another. So enjoy what you can enjoy as it comes.

Yeah.. I have thought about someone getting into my kids' schools and killing people. But if I dwell on something that is very unlikely to happen (though possible even with all the security measures they have in place, and there are plenty of them), then I miss all the joy of watching my kids grow up and mature and become responsible members of society. They still have all the tension and stress that comes with being teenagers and learning to navigate male/female relationships, and figuring out what they want to do with the rest of their lives to earn a living... those things are scary enough. But I try to live day to day and focus on what we can do today. I can't make a decision about a college with my son today, but I can make sure he studies his Spanish, so that he can do well and give himself more opportunities for where to go to college later.

I look at it all like that, pretty much.

If I were as anxious as you sound, I would likely seek out professional help. It sounds as if you have anxiety more resulting from your experiences of being very close to the heinous acts that we all think of when we think of high school violence these days. For most of us, it is much further removed. It is knowledge of them, not experience of dealing with the direct results (the families in your community, knowing the halls where those things happened, etc).

If you never have, perhaps you might meet with a counselor for a few sessions and discuss your anxieties. Anxiety to some degree is completely normal. But when it is from something as close to home as you have going on, it can be more of a post traumatic thing that needs professional assistance to work through.

Good luck.

I just had my last child finish public school last yr.
I remember how tough it was to transition to high school the first time.
A couple of friends and I went to have a meeting with the principal before our kids started. It was a good place to bring up rumors and concerns.

We have been in a prayer group for about 14 yrs. My friends and I have prayed over every kind of situation you could imagine. You can look for a group in your area. Momsinprayer.org. It was awesome to have a network of friends that were truly honest with each other. They will tell you if your fears are greater than your faith and challenge you to look up from your circumstances. While also knowing which situations to steer clear of.
I'm challenging you to start a richer prayer life, starting with praying the names of God in praise. Praise the Prince of Peace when you have no peace, because He alone can settle you. When you trust Him to be with your daughter when you are not, you can relax. Right now, your fears are being blown out of proportion to keep you focused on you and yours. There are kids you need to be praying for their needs to be taken care of and volunteer to help her teachers and the PTO to support your school.

You can do this. Your daughter can do this. School shootings are inevitably on your mind. Believe me, there are more common things to be concerned about. You've probably made it to be a bigger step than it really will turn out. She will have classes with good kids. She will stick with that group. She will be fine.

You definitely need to talk to someone. It's high school. What about driving, college etc. if you raised her right, let the poor child spread her wings. You will destroy her with your fears. Does she cross a street alone?
You know what could happen right. Do you worry about it every day?

I have to
Laugh when people say my child has a phone so you always know where they are. Truth be told, no you don't. When my kids said they were going to Johnny's house etc, they knew if I called they had better be there. They were. I did not check up because I trusted them

Let go of your fears

I understand that you are very anxious right now. Bottom line, what kind of life do you really have if you continually live in fear. I hope you have not projected these fears toward your children.

It is hard to watch our children grow up. It is our job to teach them so they will learn to be self sufficient, deal with others, deal with all types of situations. High school can be a very enjoyable time for students. It is crunch time for grades so college entrances are easier, it is a huge social scene which is very new to a lot of kids.

Trust that you have taught your daughter well. Let her amaze you by showing you how responsible and independent she can be. She might surprise you if you look at her in a different light and not as your "baby".

Our schools are large. There are 3 Senior high school here which are grades 11-12. Each school has at least 2500 students within those 2 grade levels. My daughter's graduating class last spring had over 1100 students and it was the smallest graduating class of the 3 schools.

My daughter did have a cell phone from early on. We do text a lot and we stayed in touch throughout her school years. Communication between you and your daughter is vital. Keep those lines open so she can talk to you about anything.

You have to let go and let the children grow and move on. Yes, it is hard but it is our job as parents to believe in them and send them on their way... We should not project our fears to our children.

You are freaking out about her starting high school. There are going to be a lot of new things she does that will worry you. The hardest thing for me was teaching our daughter to drive. We are in the DFW area and people drive like maniacs... It scares the he$$ out of me knowing my daughter is on those freeways BUT, I did the best I could to prepare her and I trust that she'll be ok. You have no guarantees in life.... there is no sense is spending your days living in fear of the unknown.

You might talk to you Dr about your fears if you feel they are too much. it can't hurt you to discuss it and see if you might benefit from an RX.

Have faith! She (and you) will be just fine.

K.,
You have to send your kids out into the world, no matter what. You have to teach your daughter safety, and what would happen what if....have a plan, not just at school, but for every aspect of her life. And you cannot push your fears onto your daughter, or that could eventually stop her from being a normal teenager. All you can do is teach your children to be safe, and pray for them. Baby steps. How are you going to feel when she starts to drive? My kids have cell phones so I can know where they are. We text too. I recently put tracking on their phones for when I can't talk or text with them, and it is nice. I don't want to call them while they are driving. We all go through this scary stuff, you just have to trust that your kids will be OK and that they have a good head on their shoulders if something should arise. And maybe talking with a friend about your fears will help.

Honestly, based on this and your other questions, I think that you do may have a legitimate anxiety issue that a counselor could help you work through. On one hand, we can all throw stats at you that prove that the likelihood of something like this happening in infinitesimally small but on the other hand...you had one of the most infamous school shootings happen in your community. That's enough to put anyone on edge.

At the end of the day, tragedies do happen. There seems to be one in our community almost every year. Last Thursday 10 year old boy visiting his family in my town for Christmas was hit by a tree in a zipline accident in his aunt and uncle's backyard. He suffered a traumatic brain injury and is fighting for his life. His cousins are schoolmates of my younger kids. The day before school started this year, a high school student leaving an early morning football practice struck and killed a pedestrian...a teacher's husband. A healthy high school senior last year dropped dead of a brain aneurysm - in class one day, dead the next. A boy the year before that committed suicide. A boy the year or two before that drowned. If I was overwhelmed with anxiety every time a freak thing happened, I wouldn't be able to function.

What helps me is to keep in perspective that there are roughly 1200 kids at my kids' high school...and 1,199 live uneventful lives free from sudden death or traumatic injury. Of course every time something awful happens in your community your heart aches for the families because you probably know them, or if you don't, you can empathize with them. You think "that could have been my child" and it's scary. But then you look around, take a deep breath, count your blessings and let those awful events serve as a reminder to you that life is short and we should treasure what we have in the here and now.

You don't have anything to be embarrassed about, but I think it would do you go to talk to a professional and let it all out. A counselor will teach you techniques for how to anticipate your triggers and ways to calm your thoughts (and your body) when faced with a trigger. My step-daughter has PTSD from living with domestic violence when she lived with her mother and a few counseling sessions worked wonders for her. She knows that certain things are triggers for her (like loud noises) and tries to either avoid or prepare for situations like that but when faced with one, has breathing techniques and things she says in her head that can calm and center her and stop the reaction.

I don't think your anxiety about your daughter going to high school is the main problem here. Your anxiety is the main issue and high school is the current focus of that anxiety. I recommend finding and seeing a professional counselor who specializes in anxiety issues. We can't "talk ourselves out of" anxiety or use logic to dispel those feelings. There are, however, techniques that we can learn and use to manage anxiety and reduce its impact on us and our family.

P.S. I have two grown children and one middle-schooler.
P.P.S 30 minutes of vigorous exercise daily is as effective as the most commonly prescribed anti-anxiety medications at relieving those symptoms.

Do not be ruled by your fears.

Common sense is one thing. Fears are completely another. One wit has said that FEAR is an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real.

As awful as the Columbine shootings were in the late 1990s - and I have children and grandchildren living within walking distance of that school - there have been no murders there since then. The Arapahoe shooting a few weeks ago was terrible (and I know a family at that school, too), but there is no evidence (that I've heard) that any high-school copycats are getting ready to repeat it.

People do these things, not schools. And there are people everywhere.

You can certainly be concerned about the school your daughter attends. What if you said right out to your daughter that you are anxious about her starting high school at all? (She'll pat you on the head, laugh, and/or roll her eyes, I imagine). You could talk with her about how she could make you feel better about it by taking some courses next spring or summer in both emergency first aid and self-defense. You could even take those courses with her.

If you weren't concerned about the possibility of violence, you might be thinking about the drugs or the gangs or the bullies or the cliques or the curriculum or a dozen other things. So you might as well say it: high school is an anxious time for parents! It is for the kids, too. They just don't always say so.

We cannot manage the future (we can't even manage the present!). We can manage our responses to things that happen, and that means using our minds as well as our hearts. What comes up we WILL deal with. We're all in this together.

That said, remember the quote attributed to Mark Twain: "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, most of which never happened."

P.S. Mymission is right - Momsinprayer.org is a good group!

After about middle school you realize that you no longer have full control of your kids' lives and at first, especially, it's a little scary. It takes some adjusting to. But you can't live your life on "what ifs" and neither can your daughter. The likelihood is she will be fine.

If you are that afraid to send her off to school, you might have to see a specialist and maybe get some anti-anxiety meds for a while. Because with your daughter's increasing independence, you are going to drive yourself nuts. One of the worst times is when they start driving. If sending her off to high school is this scary for you, I don't know how you are going to handle her getting a license.

Good luck, get some meds if you need them. Your daughter will be fine.

I've attended small schools, big schools, private schools and public ones. I think that there will be some culture shock. But I also think that if she keeps her nose clean and stays away from the kids (there are always "those kids") that are trouble, she will be fine. My SD's school had an unflattering nickname, but she herself never had any major trouble with other kids. When I went to HS, I had no choice in schools and there was racial violence...til those kids graduated and the next 4 years (we started in 8th grade) were easy sailing.

You can't scrub the world. So you teach your kid. You teach her when to ignore it. When to confront it. Who to talk to. When to walk away. Who to stay away from. Etc. If she gets into a club with good kids (like my SD and theatre), then she'll have her own subculture that is insulated.

Now, if the issue is that she's going to HS and that thought alone strikes fear into your heart, then you should seek individual therapy to manage your anxieties so you don't cause her problems in HS via your own projected fear. If you have PTSD that was never treated, get it treated. For both your sakes.

What I gather is you're raising a good kid. So TRUST your good kid. She has to grow up eventually and unless you want to homeschool her, you have to pick a school and let her go.

It won't be perfect. Whose experience is? But if you go in positive, you're more likely to get positives back.

FWIW, I live in an area where two madmen decided it was a great idea to drive around and shoot people from the back of a car. S**t happens. You do the best you can every day to try to avoid it. If you live in fear, the madman wins.

i liked your last sentence. made me laugh. understand your fears and thoughts, and a lot of us think about what ifs all the time. it's just that we need to realize we cannot control the world. make sure your kid understand the world is not all good, and that she has to have her eyes open at all times. but as far as private or public school, these things may happen anywhere and everywhere, schools, movie theater, shopping mall, etc. good luck to you both.

Your concerns are real and you are looking at the whole, not just one part. Perhaps seeing someone would help. You do not want to transfer your anxiety on her. You are reaching out for help and that is good, Also you recognize your issuses this is a huge first step.

Yes, I heard about colombine and the recent shooting. I have a kindergartner and Sandy hook sticks in my mind. But I can not let fear drive me or take away the good that school does and all the postivie exposure he gets from it.

As a parent we worry about our kids, but worry can not change facts all it does is hurt us inside. So maybe talking to somone will help. Sometimes a good game plan if X occurs is good. My 5 year old took off from my dad on CHristmas eve at church.. I paniced a little going back in to see if I could find him. That smart little cookie was standing by the priest- he told him he lost his family and the preist said to stay here with me they will find you. And I did :) We discussed his good action plan and that it was awesome that he went to the priest and listened to him and stayed with him until we came for him. It gives me comfort that he felt comfortable talking to him and waiting with him till I got there.

Good Luck.

As parents, letting our kids go is possibly the hardest thing we have to do, especially in today's world where it seems violence happens on a daily basis. That's why we do it in steps. Kindergarten, first sleepover, overnight camp, Middle School, first party at someone's house, High School, driver's license, college. Each step prepares them (and us) for the next. And each step is very, very difficult for us as parents. But we need to trust that we're doing a good job of preparing our kids for the rest of their lives. That's trust in OURSELVES, not just our kids. You've put a lot of thought into her school choices and have discussed it with your daughter and given her lots of opportunity for her input. You obviously respect her and she respects you. As far as I can see, you're doing a fine job of parenting. Trust in yourself that you're doing just fine.

There are two issues here, as I see it.
1) Your personal anxiety, which, truthfully does seem a tad excessive. It might be a good idea to get some feedback from a professional who specializes in anxiety. When it starts to affect your daily life (worrying so much about sending kids off to school, which is an extremely common thing for millions of people to do, that you feel paralyzed), it's time to address the issue.
2) Your daughter is about to take a HUGE next step in her life. It's natural to be concerned, worried, afraid, and scared for her. But with that, you should also be feeling pride that she's growing into a wonderful person, that she knows herself well enough to know which school is best for her, that she can come to you to talk about it, etc.

You have control. It's YOUR CHOICE to see a professional or not. It's YOUR CHOICE where to send her to school. Make your choices and TRUST that you've made the right decisions.

And, in my personal experience, sending a kid off to high school was far less stressful than sending him off to middle school. My son is in 10th grade, and I have two daughters in 6th and 7th. All at the local public schools. They're all doing just fine, even my son who is on the Autism spectrum. The overwhelming odds are your daughter is going to do just fine, too.

Well, no wonder you're anxious. Get thee to a therapist and help yourself with these anxieties.

My sons are 19 and 16. Neither one of them have ever stepped foot in a public school (though they have done online virtual schooling which is public).

We homeschool now (older son has graduated), but my kids attended a couple of different private school for years.

If I had it to do over again I would homeschool from the beginning. And if I was going to do traditional school I would not give another dime over to private schools.

At least where I live I do not see a dramatic enough difference from public to private schools to make a difference. And our public schools often have nicer facilities and programs.

If my child wanted to attend the public high school in our area for the right reasons, and it was reasonably safe, I think I would let him/her try it. Those private school dollars will go a LONG way towards a college degree.

JMO.

PS: I do think it's the parent's job to provide the faith formation for the child, so each situation is going to be unique in my mind.

PPS: As far as anxiety goes you have to realize that there are never ANY guarantees in life. It's tough, I know.

Anxiety isn't about being logical. That's what makes it so frustrating. Of course you know your daughter will be fine, it's all the "what ifs" that get under your skin and make you worry about things you shouldn't.
I didn't go through this with high school but I did go through it when my kids were babies. I was terrified and paranoid about them dying of SIDS. Their poor cribs were like vacant boxes because I was scared to put ANY blankets, stuffed animals or pillows in there with them, I couldn't get over the fact that they MIGHT roll over and suffocate, or that they might get tangled up in a blanket and choke. I know my fear wasn't logical, but it was very real and it took me a long time to get over it.
My best advice to you is to try not to even THINK about high school until she gets there. It may take a few months for you to really relax but hopefully you will. Get involved. Go to school meetings and football games. Focus on all the wonderful and positive experiences high school has to offer. If you still aren't able to calm down then talk to your doctor. I have a daughter with anxiety and at one point (in middle school) we had to take her to therapy because she just couldn't cope & function.
Good luck, I know you'll be fine!!!

It sounds like you are afraid of violence in schools.

There is nothing you can do.
Teach her how to stay safe. Do the best you can.
Anything can happen anywhere.
School shootings are very rare. Public/private makes NO difference for that. I hope she is happy and does well!

I know a neighbor who was injured in a school shooting (one of the big ones, yes). Her boyfriend died in it. But this doesn't change my mind about anything. Anything can happen anywhere, as I said before.

My husband and sons think I'm on the over-anxious side, but to be honest you actually make me sound calm. I agree with the others that if these fears are projected on to your daughter or interfering with your daily life you should see a professional about it.

To answer your question, I try not to think about the things I can't control (school violence, shootings) and be pro-active about the things I can control. I worry much more about car accidents than I do school violence since my son drives. We have had several fatal accidents involving teenagers in our area this year. We (well, mostly my husband) has taught him to be a responsible driver and we (well, mostly me) limit his driving in bad weather, at night or long distances. That I can control. I also worry more about the drug, sex and alcohol that kids get involved in through school, but we have raised him to be responsible and so far he has made good choices. I constantly educate him (he might say "nag") about things I think are important and we can control. We have had a rash of robberies at our local university so I tell him how to protect himself from theft, etc.

So, to summarize, be pro-active about things within your control, and try not to fret about the things you can't control. Best wishes. High school is a big step, but the majority of kids transition well and it sounds like your daughter already made a wise choice in her selection of schools.

We raise our children to be independent adults in the world. It starts from birth and progresses through their life until they are out and on their own. We raise our children to be cautious but not fearful. We model as parents the behavior we want them to exemplify.

Sounds to me like you may need some counseling to get your fears under control.

Keep the main things the main thing. She is going to a school she picked and you agree is a good fit. Everything will be what it will be and you cross the bridges you need to cross when you get to them but we don't stress over bridges that may never exist. We rely on our resources of family, friends and trained professionals as our village that helps us raise our children to adulthood.