For Real, Why Do We Treat Teens like Children?

Balance. Some people think that letting them be carefree for as long as possible is good, some think responsibility from young age is good ... it is all about Balance and helping them see what life is and can be about.

Some parents take it to far.

The media has slammed parents with so much tragedy. Parents don't realize that it isn't any different from when they were younger, actually statistically safer actually.

Now would I let mine roam the streets at 13, probably not. Go to the mall with friends, yes. Drink with an unspoken truce, not ever, it's illegal. Period.

There can be a balance. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I will sum it up in one word...FEAR.

So many parenting decisions are made due to fear. It is not a healthy way to raise a happy,healthy,functioning member of society.

We have a teenager...we are constantly lengthening the leash to give him more independence and responsibilities.

I personally love the book "Free Range Parenting"...it debunks the myths that keep parents stifling the emotional,physical and mental growth of children in today's "scary" world.

Judge much? My sister was raped as a 14-year old by one of her neighborhood "friends". It ruined her life. Too bad my parents were so trusting they thought she could make good judgment calls about who to hang with, where, and when.

ETA:
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Would you also like me to share my list of dead teens who who made really bad decisions, like driving drunk, and drag racing? How about the ones in dead end lives who never amounted to anything in large part due to lack of parental supervision and intervention? I have a really long list of those.

Most of us are lucky to still be alive after our teen years. But just because some of us come out unscathed does not mean you should bank on the same outcome for your children. I know the trouble i found myself in and the trouble my husband found himself in. We thank God for our guardian angles. But this much we know for damn sure; we will have better tabs, and better supervision on our teens than our parents did on us because there is too much as stake. I don't care if crime rates are down or not. I'll say it again, there is too much at stake.

What we Kemosabe? I don't treat my teens like children, I treat them like teens.

I do kind of find it funny that you don't even have teens yet so you have no idea what your kids will be capable of at that moment, yet you are posting this.

i'm with you. i was a pretty wild and woolly teen, mostly unsupervised. i don't actually advocate that. but i look at all the families i know where the teenagers are never allowed to stay on their own (and many of them are too afraid to do so), or be out after dark, or go to the mall or movies unsupervised, or spend the day hiking with their friends out of cell phone range, and it bothers me.
i suspect that if more parents talked to and listened to their teens (rather than dictating terms or assuming hormone-brain) they would raise more useful adults.
i like your parents!
ETA the assumption is always that if not strictly monitored, teenagers will all drink and do drugs and have sex. certainly many will (and will no matter how ironfistedly controlled) but having worked with teens for a couple of decades now, i think most of the good folks here would be surprised at how readily and willingly kids live up to our high expectations of them when they're treated with the default assumption that they are smart and capable.
khairete
S.

Well, I understand your point.

With that said, i don't have a teen. I'm going to reserve my judgement and advice, for when I do. When I actually know what it's like to parent a teen. Perhaps, other parents without teens...would be good to do the same.

Just my opinion.

I don't treat my teens like children, nor do I expect them to be adults. Adolesence (sp?) is a time of growth and change. They need a LOT at this age, it has been by far the most stressful time as parents for both my husband and I.
Yes, they need a longer leash, they need more independence and opportunities to make choices and decisions without their parents micromanaging at every turn. This happens gradually, starting at around age 12/13, and continues throughout high school. The more mature and responsible they show themselves to be the more freedom they earn.
They also still need rules, boundaries, guidance and a whole lot of patience and understanding. This is not always easy when hormones are raging and emotions are high (on both sides) but you do what you can.
And I will comment on the drinking,
like you, I have always told my kids if they ever get in a situation where they don't feel safe, can't drive (or the person they're with can't drive) they can call me to come get them, no questions asked. I have only had to do this once and it was heartbreaking.
Being the mother of a beautiful 17 year old girl is a whole lot different than BEING that 17 year old girl. Helping her stumble through the door and trying to get her into bed after puking her guts out because she did a bunch of shots of vodka was one of the hardest moments I've ever had as a mother. When your kids are little you simply cannot imagine how this feels.

It's not the teens I worry about.. it's the ADULT weirdos that prey on them....

EDIT:

You have to start preparing your child(ren) for adulthood when you bring them home from the hospital. You have to be consistent and train them in the proper ways of the world. You can't keep them in bubble wrap until they are 18 to 22 and then let them out without any preparation. They will fail and you will have them at home.

Original Post: Over the last 50 years, the country has changed and society has had several corrections made to it.

In the 60s Kennedy's assassination, civil rights, youth revolts (free love), and burning of bras. There are others I have not listed.

In the 70s both parents worked and the children were sent to childcare facilities and after school alternatives. Not so many home made meals and the start of fast food.

In the 80s fast food is the main stay of food. Children are now raising themselves and having more sex and AIDs is introduced into society. It started out in the gay community and moved to mainstream heterosexual situations.

In the 90s parents feel that they need to make up for not being at home and teaching their children so they buy them everything under the sun so now they think they are entitled.

In the 21st century 9/11. The country is changed forever. All of the past comes to the future and we have what we have. People not instilling values in their children and children being bullies (bullies have been around since the beginning of time) they were dealt with differently. The government doing its best to raise children that parents don't want or can't raise. The parents wanting everything they want and not putting children's needs before theirs. The housing meltdown and everything else.

So I who am in my 60s have seen the mom at home with the meals made nightly, the neighborhood kids running through backyards to play daily in the summer (didn't know what a play date was back then), any disagreements were settled then and there, the latchkey kid who is responsible for chores after school (and you better have them done or there were consequences), going to stores after school to walk around and buy items without parents, to both parents working, to kids who are in gangs to belong to something or someone, to affluent and non affluent children learning how to "get by" with just doing the minimal.

We have forgotten how to instill in our children personal responsibility and education. We have sheltered our children so much that they cannot compete in the global world because they are not as sharp mentally as the students in other countries. We stress more about the soccer match than we do the science and math or harder subjects in high school and college.

Yes, the kids of yesteryear were not rich in material things but they were rich in common sense, ingenuity and survival. Their childhood was not long like now days it was short lived and by 18, they were fully self-sufficient. Look at the pictures of the Dust Bowl and see how we, as a nation were tested. World War II was what brought this country to its greatness when the service member came back home and had a chance to make something of himself and fast forward to now.

I am sorry I went off on a tangent don't do this much. But I hope you all can see that we are a part of the changing face of this country. We need to pull back and live within our means and plan for the future. We need to do more delayed gratification than instant gratification and we maybe able to survive as a nation. Parents are the key but the parents must have the strength to do it as a parent and not as a friend. Parents need to be able to say NO and their experiences should be their guide for the answers. We have to learn how to take the training wheels off the bike and let the children ride and fall off and get back up on the bike and ride again to get their balance and take their place in the global society.

Off my soapbox now. Have a great day.

the other S.

PS I rode the bus around the state when I was 13 without an adult and knew the stops to get off and on. You were more mature younger and you were expected to pull your own weight to keep the family going.

Um, I treat my teen like a child because he is. Still a child. Every day he shows his ability to begin making better decisions, and more mature reasoning. And then he still does stupid teenage things like forget he was watching his 3 year old brother outside when his mind goes elsewhere, or leaves the burner on the stove after the Chef Boyardee is done cooking. And he is done eating it. Of forgets to look both ways when he chases a basketball into the street. Looked both ways 100 times before, but still being a child, he hasn't "perfected" that whole "protect-my-life-at-all-costs" thing.

My parents dropped me off at the mall too. And it was tempting to shoplift. In fact, I did when I was 12. Oops. Was a good kid, just wasn't supervised. I guess I was "still a kid".

I see no reason to shove them into the adult world too early. Life isn't "sink or swim". It's "mom and dad are my raft; I'll hang on until I can safely swim across the harbor".

So my daughter who was screaming this morning and throwing things around is an adult just because she's 13? Good to know.

Seriously, you don't have teens, so you don't get it, but teens are not adults. They're not babies, but they're not adults. They're teens. They're at a weird awkward phase where they don't know how to control themselves.

I do leave my kids alone at home, but not for longer than a few hours. I also make sure they don't do something stupid, like drinking. (Which studies have shown can damage your brain at that age...)

So maybe this is a question for your parents since they left a 15 yr old in charge instead of the 17 yr old....perhaps they can give you insight on parenting teens.

All your kids will be different & you will have to figure it out when your time comes. One of your kids may *just* drink, but another may take it to drinking & smoking pot, then another may go further & do hard drugs. Good luck, you have a ways to go.

I think you have a good point overall - we are - generally speaking - too overprotective of our kids and it robbs them of gaining healthy independence sometimes. Maybe it's b/c I grew up in Chicago too!!! :)

As long as teens act like children, they get treated like children. A teen that is respectful and responsible, should be treated as such. You need to earn someone's trust in all walks of life, why should it be any different for children and teens? Just because some one is a teenager might not mean they are mature enough to stay home alone or be able to fend for themselves in various situations...

Well, primarily because they ARE children in many ways. Most teens (even the most responsible ones) tend to be impulsive and short sighted (that's the frontal lobe thing) and they really can't see beyond the upcoming weekend.

There is a major difference between sheltering a teen and giving them increasing freedom. There may be less violence than in the 80's, but I'm pretty sure there is more internet crime, so you can't compare apples to oranges.

Growing up, my mother did not work. She picked us up from school and we went to either an extracurricular activity or home to do homework. We ate dinner as a family and played outside with our friends. We weren't on the computer (aside from Oregon Trail) and we knew our neighbors. My father was home at 5:30 every night and I recall his first cell phone (think Zack Morris) and it was always OFF unless it was an emergency.

I had a curfew, clear expectations and clear consequences if I didn't live up to either. As I got older, my freedom was expanded, but always within the context of a conversation. When I went to college, I didn't fail because I knew what would happen if I did. I don't think I could actually name a classmate that failed out.

Today? The world is very different. If you have not already done so, pick up the book Millenials Rising. It's a great read! It explores this exact topic in detail... Helicopter Parents... a generation of "instant gratification"... kids who communicate using text language (thus lacking communication and social skills)... all of it.

We know more about development now than we did. Like all information, if used with tempered application, it is helpful. If used to create a generation of "adults" who can't boil water without Googling it... well, that's our own damn fault.

J., I submit that until you yourself have teens and go through the process of your children growing up under your roof, you will not know the answer to this question. After you raise your kids, then you will.

Part of being a parent is understanding your own kids and what they are and aren't capable of. Some parents go overboard with protectiveness. Some parents are too permissive. It's up to the parents to figure it out. According to our own ways of thinking as we raise our kids, we judge others' standards.

I don't care for the other poster's pushiness on the subject. I think alot of it is a bunch of bunk. I don't know what her agenda is, and I don't particularly care. I'm not opening her website since it's probably selling something. I doubt highly that most parents of young children nowadays are going to be letting their kids do the stuff that this poster is going on about when it's THEIR kids' turns... It's one thing to say it while their kids are little, but totally different when their teenhood is staring you in the face. And I say this from the standpoint of having a son in college and a rising highschool senior, having lived abroad and having traveled the world with them.

I was raised the same way you were. We are learning to give our 9 year old some freedom. Some of her friends are outside alone all the time, I know I was when I was 7/8, but I lived on military bases, protected by armed guards. Still didn't prevent the possibility of something bad happening.

When I was 9-12, I lived in Bermuda, on the beach. We were all allowed to go swimming with my parents inside. No way would I let my kids do that, but we had an unreal freedom there.

I leave my 9 year old home for short trips. If I'm gone for 15 minutes or so. I'd be comfortable to leave her alone for longer, maybe an hour or two? To cover a football or baseball practice, but my husband isn't there yet.

IMHO we have this weird paradigm in our society where we are more "connected" to our children via technology yet parents do less and less actual parenting and/or guidance.

Learning independence and autonomy is part of the parental responsibility to our kids.

I try to teach my sons (19 and 16) that freedom and responsibility are two sides of the same coin.

I agree that teens are infantilized too often . . . yet not all teens have any adult readily available to talk to or confide in. So they turn to other teens for relationship bonding. It's just strange. Teens don't raise each other well imho.

I agree with Suz. T on much of this.

I haven't read the other responses yet, but I agree with you. I, too, was given a lot of freedom as a teenager--especially after I turned 16 and got my first "real" job. I'm sure there are those who would be astounded at what I was allowed to do. But I was a good kid, I got good grades. And yes, I stupidly got myself into situations that could have turned out very, very poorly for me. But you know what? Lots of adults don't always show the best judgement, and lots of adults don't have good impulse control...two of the charges that are often leveled against the undeveloped teenage brain. My parents were not perfect by any means, but they did a great job of giving me a moral compass that helped guide me through some dumb dumb dumb decisions.
One of the primary reasons I am planning on giving my kids the gift of increased freedom as their teenage years progress? Because otherwise, they'll end up like some of the kids I knew in college--sheltered and helpless, and completely unprepared for life on their own.

J. - because SOME "teens" are children. Yeah, I know that some don't subscribe to the frontal lobe not being fully developed - at allow for impulse control (heck - even some adults lack impulse control).

My daughter? She didn't need a lot of supervision. She was an only child for the first 12 years of her life. She was and is a responsible young adult (now she will be 27 this year!) but I didn't have to worry about leaving her alone, letting her go out with her friends, etc.

My 13 year old? There are times when I would trust him to babysit another child...then there are times when I wouldn't - especially if he is texting his girlfriend. Will he NOT text while babysitting? most likely no.

My 10 and 13 year roam "free" throughout our neighborhood. They go to the park together and go to the stream on the golf course together. We have rules - they may NOT separate. PERIOD. It's the weirdo adults that worry or bother me.

Because most teens are irresponsible because they have had everything done for them since birth they cannot think on their own! They do not have any responsibilities. I thank goodness I made my kids independent. Theywereconfident and responsible. My grandchildren think their mother is their personal slave. "I need socks, get my pants, where's my shirt". They drop their things at the fro t door then a trail of shoes jacket. Enter the kit chen. All cabinets open. Jar applesauce left out, open cookies. Three different packages. I asked them to sort their laundry. I was told that is their mothers job not theirs.They shower but do not take in a towel they just do not care.
Cheerleader tryouts. GD calls her mother who left for work 10 mi utes before to get her clothes that she forgot. So DIL goes back gets clothes n takes to school. Then same kid in big trouble be ause she wore short shorts to school. Left while DIL in shower. So now I ha e to bring her clothes. I bring jeans and she b-----s tha they are not the right ones. I said a few choice words to her.

Now my DIL is at fault here she lost her Dad at 11 and Mom at 12. So she over compensates. These kids are 10' almost 13 and 14 1/2 but they are all children. They are as helpless as a 5 year old. Now there is a baby too.

So that's my story about teens. And I am sticking to it lol. So it is simple. Parents today expect nothing from kids. They also have convinced kids they will be abducted if they go outside or walk to bus. It is a very different world out there. This will all come back to bite everyone in the butt!

Oh well glad they are not mine. My friends all agree!!!!

ETA:LoveTeachingMath-- I've just read about 1/3 of the article you linked to... it's wonderful. Thanks for sharing!

I do wonder about what you have asked, and don't know if there is one succinct answer for this.

I believe that the level of freedom comes hand-in-hand with the levels of consistently displayed responsibility. That has, and always will be, my guide.

When I was a kid, it was common for the neighbor boy to knock on the door and ask if you wanted your yard mowed or in the winter, your walk shoveled. Kids delivered papers. I often walked to the library alone when I was 10 (it was about 10 blocks away), or biked around the neighborhood all morning. We could go with a teen cousin to the beach and be gone all day (with no cell phones!) and it was not a big deal. My sister and I rode the bus around everywhere in the summertime as older teens (14&16) and just called to check in with mom at work when we were leaving and when we got back. When I was 11, it was a regular thing for me to pick up my brother from daycare on the way home from school. That was nearly a mile walk in an area with no sidewalks. We did fine.

You didn't bother mom at work with a phone call, really, unless someone was seriously bleeding or ill. She expected us to take care of ourselves and our little brother. We were expected to save our own money for the extras we wanted.

The mom that can't fathom her kid knocking on doors, offering to do odd jobs for the neighbors is also likely to be the one who thinks her teen is going to burn down the house when she's not with them.

I do think there is a lot of excess that our culture has bought into, esp. parents with too much money and not enough common sense. Kids are given the wrong kinds of independence, so they can't take a bus downtown but they will send pictures of themselves naked to each other? They are dying to be adults in real, tangible ways, and instead, for some kids, their only outlet is technology, which comes with some of the worst of consequences. Some parents will give their kids a smartphone but wouldn't let them go be teens and explore...so they explore in less obvious, more dangerous ways.

There's a lot of fear guiding our parenting mistakes. I try to measure things in terms of 'how much risk?' and 'good risk or bad risk'. Sometimes, I have to swallow my own fear, do my best to prepare my child for new responsibilities, and let go. My child is not a teen yet, but when he is, I'll be looking for opportunities to give him graduated amounts of responsibility and independence, including doing things like earning money and then taking the bus with a friend to the theater to watch a movie with that money he earned-- stuff like that. I want him to feel capable and competent when he graduates and is ready to move out, so even at a young age, I'm showing him how to cook, how we do laundry, how we take care of our home and our selves.

By the gist of your post, I'm assuming you are not suggesting we throw them in the deep end and tell them to swim; I know you have also been a stepparent to teens, if I remember correctly. I think, instead, what we want is to give our kids enough of those lessons in life so that they can do those things that weren't a big freakin' deal when we were kids. How are they supposed to get jobs at 18 or go off to college if they can't figure out how to navigate simple outings in town alone? What... are we going to drive them there, too?

well we are not ALLOWED BY LAW to leave a child under 18 alone overnight or we can be charged with child abandonment. Seriously the laws are part of the issue, as is society in that if you DO leave your teen to wander the mall you get nasty looks from others or shop owners literally KICK THEM OUT for no reason. Yep, last year my 13 yr old and her friend, only two of them, were told to leave Claire's. They were just looking at earrings. The worker hadn't seen me enter as their parent so I saw the whole thing and the girls were not doing anything yet since it seemed they were on their own they were told they needed "adult supervision to be in the store".

I also have to say that my kids just hit the teen stage. Like a ton of bricks falling on me. Out of nowhere my kids I KNEW are GONE. I am not sure I can trust them which if you had talked to me even 3 months ago I would have said no problem, of course they will behave and make wise choices. Then I have no idea what happened but they turned into teens who are making bad decisions (on stuff they made good decisions on a few months ago) and being brats (85% of the time instead of the prior 25% of the time).

SO, once again I was brought back to reality that you can never judge another parent until you have had that stage happen in your life. OMG it is so different being the parent then being the kid.

Hmmm. I agree with you to a point. It seems some parents take things overboard in protecting their children, but your experience and who you are and your children and who they are could be very different.

It's easy to say things should be done a certain way, but every child is different. Your friend that doesn't let her 14 year stay home alone may have a child she can't trust or who is afraid to be alone. Maybe you could be trusted to be left alone for the weekend at 15, but in my mind you are asking for trouble to leave a teenager alone in the house all weekend. I have stories as long as my arm as to the repercussions of allowing teenagers too much freedom.

In my humble opinion, there is a middle ground. Your folks got off lucky with you. Your own children may or may not pull a few punches that will drive you to do things differently.

Teens are teens. Not adults. But like adults, some are more mature than others.

Why do we use car seats? I lived without one when I was a kid. I suppose we have learned how to keep our kids safer over the years. Same goes with the way we treat teens I think.

Sheltered or not, kids explore.
Hovered over or not by their parents, kids explore.
Micromanaged or not, kids explore.
All to varying degrees.
Being a Teen, does not necessarily mean, doing drugs or drinking or partying or having sex younger than 16.
But it can.

Teens are not adults.
Legally nor developmentally.
But they are not, 8 years old either.

And, it does not mean, that a Teen who does a ton of exploring or drinking/drugs/partying, will then be a straight A student who does not get into trouble, socially or academically.
It does not mean, they will then be a College student, who has already been there done that and got it out of their system and therefore, settled down.
It does not mean, that only "sheltered" kids, become crazy exploring college kids who fail, college and get terrible grades, being out on their own.
And it is a parent's right to discern their own, "child."

I, was one of those crazy Teens. Or rather, from when I was a Pre-teen.
Been there, done that.
And in college too for a time. Been there done that.
Lots of "exploring" I did.
Known or unbeknownst, to my parents.
Some of it, they knew.
That didn't make me an "adult" even if I was a Teen. Just because I did those things and my parents knew about some of it. And they let me, explore.
Then again, I did see some Teens, that also did a ton of exploring when I was a Teen and then when I was in college. And some just do not, "grow up." And one even died of Aids. Gotten it when he, was a Teen. Died in college. His parents, were cool. Let him do anything he wanted. Hip parents. Sure. Right.

If it were so easy, and if having a Teen be an "Adult" meant we let them do whatever however whenever with whomever... then going through this age phase, would be so easy and they would ALL turn out to be straight "A" students who did nothing bad and then went on to college with no need to explore life, anymore. And they would all turn out, fine, and need no parents.

Hmmm. I am an adult. My Dad died several years ago.
I miss him. And, even adults, miss their "parent", too.
Why?
Is it because they let you party hardy and explore whatever as a Teen and let you do whatever you wanted?
I don't think so.

Teens, would be "excited" to be left alone all weekend in charge by themselves with $50 bucks. WHOO-HOO!
An adult, has a different perspective about it.

Anyway, there are no "formulas" about how to best parent Teens.
Some have free rein and turn out to be, outstanding.
Some don't.
Some parents don't even act like parents themselves nor parent.
And some people, even as adults, just don't "grow up." And then they become, Spouses.

During the industrial revolution, efforts were made to stop young people from working in dangerous factories. Since then, restrictions on young people have been gradually increasing. Before the industrial revolution, an adult was a person who hit puberty, around age 12. They automatically went to work and got married. During the industrial revolution, efforts were made to stop young people from working in dangerous factories and to educate young people. As a result, young people are segregated from the adult world and forced to look into the media for knowledge, which resulted in our teen problems. In societies where teens are integrated into the adult world, they suffer lower rates of turmoil. Some countries don't even have a word for adolescence.

Not only are parents setting curfews, government is too. And Detroit has a parental responsibility laws. people continue to infantilize teens when it's hurting them.

In 1859, at the age of 12, Thomas Edison left home, selling candy and newspapers on the Grand Trunk Railroad to pay for his experiments and a printing press; at 14 he was publishing his own newspaper. In 1810, David Farragut served as a midshipman in the Navy at the age of 11; by the age of 12 he was given his first command of a vessel. 14 year olds are capable of living on their own.

I guess people treat their teens like children because they don't mind having helpless adult children still living at home! Teens need to take risks in order to develop into adults. If we stop them from taking any risks then we are stunting their development!

Ugh...
I have a boy who is about to be 14 and have wondered this myself. My parents divorced when I was 12 and after that I was pretty much left on my own, which was fine by me. But I have never left my son for more than an hour or two by himself. In a way I feel sometimes that he hasn't reached the level of maturity that I had by that age because I baby him too much and still treat him like a child; at the same time, I don't feel that he's mature enough to be given more responsibility. It's a double edged sword. My own anxiety plays a role as well; I always think about what I would feel like if something bad happened when I wasn't around.
I think how to properly raise a teenager is one of life's mysteries...lol

Things change. Things I did as a child are no longer allowed-I remember riding in the front seat of a car unseatbelted in. Child seats didn't exist. We never wore helmets. Dinner was beef and starches. Cigarettes were fine... Over time, we've learned that some of things are not a good idea and others are down right bad. The world I grew up in no longer exists and I'm raising children in this world. My soon to be teenager has more freedoms in certain ways than I did and less in others. It's simply a reflection of the world in which we live.

Every parent makes decisions about what their children are ready for. I already know that my two will get different levels of responsibility at the same age because one can handle it and the other is too immature. As your children get older, you'll come to learn that there's no one size fits all parenting.

By the way, while the law in IL does not speak to leaving teens alone, there are laws making parents responsible for any damages arising out of their children's acts. So if you leave your children alone or even fail to supervise properly and their actions, like having a party with alcohol, result in injuries or damage, you'll be the one paying.

I don't have a teen of my own. I have a 19yo stepson, and I've been in his life for eight years. I've been able to observe up close, but it's not the same. I have been deeply involved in the emotional care of children of different ages for pretty much my entire life, but none of them were ever attached to me via umbilical cord, and I never held one in my arms and promised to keep him/her safe from harm, at least not until I gave birth to my son. He's two.

Child, teenager/adolescent, adult--three different stages, with sub-stages based on development. Some people do treat teens like children, like some treat them like adults. I would venture to say that since the stage is tucked so nicely between childhood and adulthood, the most appropriate treatment for them is likely a combination of the two.

As a teenager, my parents knew who my friends were and where I was (supposed to be) at all times. I think that that was their job. It wasn't about controlling me or keeping me from growing up. It was about keeping me safe and learning to understand and predict my judgment so they could (a) address any concerns or just discuss, period, and (b) teach me how to trust myself. They knew where the teachable moments were because they kept up with me. They didn't have to create them. My parents understand that, while I was continuing to learn independence, it was still their responsibility to be present and to be in charge. I NEVER hung out at the mall as a teen and never understood the appeal. My parents taught me that if I am going to hang out doing nothing, I should do it at home. I never learned an appreciation for being a bump on a log in a big public place. Even today when I leave home, it is with intention. That's the lesson that I got from it, not to be satisfied with showing up only to do nothing.

As I've said, my son is two years old. People say over and over how time passes so quickly with children. I hear often, "Oh, he's two already? Time is really flying!" I don't agree with them. This time has not flown because I have been present in every moment. When he was about 10 months old and someone was talking about plans for a first birthday and how he'll be a year old before I know it, etc., I said, "No, he's not almost one. He's 10 months." When one came, it was not early but right on time. I look at him now and notice his growth spurts while he's in them. I don't look at him and wonder "When did THAT happen?" I know when, because I was there. He's been with a nanny during the day since he was almost three months old, but I am never surprised when she shares the events of his day. Either I saw it coming, or he did it with me already. Before he eats something new or plays with a new kind of toy, I already know about it. I don't miss his moments.

I hope that I am able to maintain this level of intentional parenting, since I had the privilege of entering parenthood intentionally. My parents didn't plan for us, but they were always present and deliberate in their parenting, even and maybe especially during our teenage years. I didn't necessarily get that when I was a kid, but I did appreciate their presence. I rather like knowing that my parents didn't miss any of my "moments".

I JUST read an interesting article that relates to this. It's actually a 9 year old article, but it still rings true...

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200411/nation-wimps

Two user names? Really? Shouldn't you and Kate go play together? Go away.

I have a teen and I let the leash out slowly. Perhaps I am more careful than my parents because I know the experimentation that teens participate in. My mom would be shocked at what I got into when I was a teen. I came of age in the 1970's and it was a time of experimentation but I'm sure my mom had no concept of what was going on, and, as a working mom was too busy to pay attention. When I was a kid if parents left a teen alone at home overnight there would be a party. I think my almost 15 yo has better values than I did and society has straightened up - it's less tolerant of drinking and drug taking teens. And there's more information out there and that enables awareness. But I am a vigilant parent because I know that teens (motivated by their hormones) can make impulsive decisions.

Speak for yourself, I don't treat my 12 year old "almost 13" like a child. He has a job this summer where he is able to bike to work. He also has football practices on Friday, which he will be walking to school for that along with Basketball practices on Tuesdays at the high school where again I expect him to probably bike there. He will also be involved with baseball on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. This child will be busy all summer long and at least I know where he will be at. He knows drugs and alcohol are not for someone for his age to do or something an athlete should not be doing. I think as a parent I am doing great.