Foster Parenting

Hi K.,
Congratulations on making this really difficult and wonderful decision. It takes a very strong person to be a foster parent. As a former case manager and therapist for children in foster care for over 12 years, being a foster parent can be a wonderful and maddening expereince. The system you are getting involved in is NOT perfect by any stretch, but if you can prepare yourself for the ups and downs and enter this witha cooperative and open spirit it can help to "save a child's life". One word of caution. Please, please please be careful of your own child as you bring older ones into your home. We often have no full idea what the child has expeienced and the foster parent's own child can easily become a target for angry or jealous foster children. If have seen too many kids hurt, physically, emotionally, sexually by foster kids who are NOT malicious but more disturbed than first thought. Good luck!!

Pleeeeeeeeaaase think long and hard. . .and, pray LONG AND HARD before fostering.
Do you and your husband really want all the extra people in your life. . .case workers, siblings, bio parents, counselors, etc etc etc
Do you want the attachment/non attachment?
They say nature vs nuture. . . and, whoever said it DID NOT LIE!!!!!!!!!
OH!, and about other people in your life, you may find that "good neighbors" now become the "secret caller" to DCFS.
AND, what happens if you realize that the child that you wanted to help just happens to be a human being that you just DO NOT LIKE, NO MATTER HOW GOOD YOUR INTENSIONS WERE?! DO YOU " GIVE THE CHILD BACK" ? THINK PLEASE

Kristan,
I am guessing that Terri is not a foster parent. DO NOT LET HER SCARE YOU!!! I do not have other children of my own but we do have 2 foster children. Feel free to email me if you would like some honest low down on it, but I am telling you that there is way to much info to write on the board for you. Also even though we have our ups and downs with the fostering there is more ups than downs and we know that we are helping in a way that God needs us to.
H.

K....you sound like a wonderful, loving mom who wants to share her love and help others...that would make you a great foster mom. And I have read what the others have to say and have to agree w/ all of them (the good and bad.) I never got to a point of actually having foster kids in my home, but my husband and I did look into it, attend meetings and fill out the papers, and did a lot of research and talked to others who have fostered (the only reason we did not is because I got pregnant and we had tried for 4 years and wanted to focus on that first.)

Anyway, I'm sure there is a huge emotional reward for helping others and I have known mothers who do their best and only want to help out kids in need...one thing I was told by a friend though, was that you should very strongly consider the impact it may have on your own child if you bring a child into your home who may have been abused or have other emotional issues that have to be dealt w/. I'm not saying you can't do it...if you are a strong and loving person, you can handle it!! But just go into this w/ your eyes wide open and consider how it will affect your own child (it could also have a very positive affect and make your child more tolerant and open minded to others.) And Terri was right about one thing...you can't love every child. I run a daycare and love all my babies, but there are times out in public or at the park where I encounter children that I just don't click w/ and that is a real possibility. It is something I learned in one of my classes is that there are some kids you just may not click w/ and that is ok, but are you prepared for that? I know you will make the right decision for you and your family and it will work out! Best of luck to you!!!

Hi, K.; first of all, congratulations for making the decision to foster. So many kids need a loving home. I've had 9 foster children some have stayed with me for as little as two weeks and others for as long as 2 years. My first child came to me when we had no children of our own, but he became part of our family we celebrated his birthdays and his achievements. It was easy to treat him as our own, when he was mischievous he got time out for it, we didn't treat him like a victim, but we gave him love. Than I had a brother a sister who stayed with me for 3 weeks, I was 8 1/2 months pregnant, I was still very energetic and again treated them like my own, their grandma came to visit at my home. Than I had my 1st child and 13 months later my 2nd and since having 2 kids I've had 6 more foster children. Each one has treated my children nicely, but they are still kids and they argue or fight sometimes, and I have to make sure they are each treated as equally as possible. Do not favor the foster child because you feel "sorry" for them, and do not favor your child becuse he is yours. My children do become a little defensive with "their" things. I am lucky that all, except for one, have been older than my kids and can help watch over them. You have to set the expectations as soon as they walk in the door. I always great them with a hug or by putting my hands on their shoulders (depending on their comfort level) and welcome them telling them how happy we are that they are joining our family. Than I show them their room and I sit and talk to them ask them questions, how old, favorite food, any siblings etc. and than I say, I know how much you may miss your brother(s)/sister(s). Also find out from their worker if they will have the option to contact their siblings via phone, you can tell them that they can call them. Some questions to ponder and/or ask before your get them. Were they sexually abused, have they acted out in any way (stealing, lying, fighting etc.), are they going to counseling and how often ( do you have to drive them), do they have a history of aggression, do they steal, do they tend to run away. The case worker doesn't always tell you this stuff so I've learned not to assume that it doesn't happen if she doesn't tell me. If the child is being moved from another foster home ask for the details and ask for the other foster parent’s # to follow-up with questions. And even though I have found out some things I don't precondition the children, I treat them as if nothing happened but I know now not to leave my jewelry or money laying around. You have to be as open as possible but at the same time careful with your belongings and your child. Good Luck, if you have anymore questions please contact me I will be happy to help! Sorry so long.

Dear K.,

Congratulations on your decision to foster. We fostered two girls ages 8 and 10 when our daughter was 12 months old. It was a difficult time for us mostly because we wouldn't lower our parenting standards(we had very specific ideas about the way we wanted our daughter to be raised) and it was very quickly apparent that our foster children couldn't be expected to reach that standard. At the end of four months, they were able to tranfer to their Aunt's home and we decided not to foster again until our own children were old enough to paricipate in the decision to foster.

A few pieces of advice in general:

1)Maintain your privacy: do not allow your caseworker to give out your phone number/address even if specifically requested by the birth parents. Any good progress the children made was often set back by an unexpected call from their birth parent. Communication is extremely important, but it should be on your terms (as needed by the children).

2)Know what support is offered by your agency: your caseworker will most likely be new and inexperienced as turnover is very high. Do not rely on them to advocate for you, their job is to advocate for the child. You must be your own advocate and know what support is available to you. Don't be shy to ask for what you think you need, every agency is busy, but they don't want you to burn out.

3)Have and use another support system: Rely on your family members, church memebers, close friends to help you through the transition of bringing foster children into your home and through any rough patches you may have. These children will bring all the upheaval of their lives into yours and it will be disruptive to your home life, work life, school life, etc. You may find that you need adults to babysit so you can get out, friends to cook for the family once a week, church members to loan or give you age appropriate games/clothes/bikes/etc for the foster children. etc. etc. etc.

I wish you the very best of luck and admire your spirit. Feel free to contact me if you want to talk about it in more detail.

S.