Four Yr Old Daughter Sneaking into Bed with Us at Night.

Good for you, S.- I really like that you both see the need to draw a line AND see that she may benefit from some flexibility. IMO - both are essential and the line you draw is pretty much up to you and your dh. So here are some ideas and please only use 'em if they seem to really fit.

You could ( if you choose to) make an ironclad rule that your bed is out of limits - and assure her that she can have a few ''sleeping on the coach'' nights - during the week. You could also say '''' it really is a problem when you wake me up at night -- so I'm going to put a blanket and pillow behind the coach- and you can go sleep there if you like''' You might offer an OCCASIONAL ''camp out ''' night where she gets to sleep in your room on a sleeping bag ( THAT IS ONLY IF YOU AND DH like the idea) --

Set your limits -- keep her needs in mind--- be flexible about most things so that the REALLY unbreakable rules have a better shot at being unbroken.

Blessings,
J.
aka- Old Mom

Four to six year olds are prone to frightening dreams. The dreams are sometimes about their power animal (wolves, foxes, falcons, bears).
My own daughter was terrified because a turtle carried her on it's back night after night. One night she was out in the hallway that ran the length of the house. She was screaming and so I reassured her about the turtle. I told her legends about turtles and went to the library to find out about turtle lore.
One child I dealt with had reoccuring dreams of fire. We told her it was not a real fire. One morning she said. " It wasn't real so last night I walked through it into a cave." She never had another bad dream.
Ask your daughter if she had a dream next time she comes into your bed.
The other type of dream that frightens children is the messages they are receiving about this life they are now living.
From four to six years of age we are reminded by our spirit guides of our mission here on earth.

I may be alone, but I don't think it's bad at all - however I am open to co-sleeping in general...
It is probably just a phase that she will outgrow without much of a struggle. My toddler is usually a good sleeper (in her own room) but she has phases of night waking every now and then (a couple of days in a row and then she is back to normal), and instead of turning it into a battle,I usually try to put her back to bed once, and if she is not having it, I just sleep on the couch with her (we have a tiny bed). We all get the sleep we need and there is not a big fuss waking the entire house in the middle of the night.

You can try to find out if there is anything in her room that frightens her, I remember when I was little, the posters in my room became very frightening to me at night. Kids that age have a vivid imagination and something harmless like the picture of a cat or dog may turn into a vicious tiger or wolf in the twilight of a dark room.

I have decided that I will not pick bedtime battles. I don't care about nanny 911 and other "experts" suggestions that children must go to bed on their own. I work full time and get so little time with her, if she wants to be close, I choose to allow that for her peace of mind and for the sake of my sleep. It only has to be a power struggle if you choose to make it one.

I know I went through a phase when I was almost 5 where I slept on my parents' floor every night for a while. I wasn't allowed in the bed because it wasn't big enough, but I dragged my pillow and blankets and stuffed animals in there in the middle of the night and fell back to sleep. My mom said it didn't last terribly long, maybe 3 weeks, and then I never had an issue again. So maybe it's just a little phase where she needs some extra security for a bit. Good luck!

If you haven't tried this yet, have a daytime conversation (or several) with your daughter. Try to find out what need she is trying to meet by sleeping in your room.

If she's wishing for more closeness or cuddle time, you might be able to see that she gets this during the day or evening before bed. This could become even more important to her when she has to share you with a younger sibling.

If it's classic nighttime anxieties or bad dreams, you can try other creative solutions, like children's books that address these fears, a brighter night light, monster spray, etc. But please don't make fun of or belittle her fears, which might only make them worse because she'll feel even more alone.

If she can't identify any such issue, a behavior chart that offers a special reward might work, first for 2 or 3 nights, then 5 or 6, gradually fading away as staying in her own bed becomes more habitual.

Lots of kids do this. I recall desperately wanting my mommy when I was little and terrified of looming shadows in my room. I don't think I tried going to her bed very often, though, because I remember an even greater fear of punishment if I actually tried it. Those were some very tough and lonely years for me.

I love it that you are willing to allow her to sleep on the couch, at least occasionally. Getting enough good sleep and feeling secure have much higher value than keeping kids in their own beds. Once this issue settles down, and it will, you can help your daughter find reasons to want to be in her own room again.

I would do something to make her room special, like new bedding and drapes, paint. Have her help choose things. Rearrange her furniture.

Get some anti-ghost spray. (An empty spray bottle with lavender water in it so she can smell it.) Spray it in all the closets, etc... Open all the windows so the ghosts can escape. Maybe her dad can help.

Have you asked if she has had a bad dream or is fearful? Usually those types of things cause kids to need their parents or to be near them. I found praying with my kids helped them settle down. Also I prayed with them when I put them to bed, and usually that helped, and they slept better--and so did I.

my daughter was doing the same thing at that age. we found the solution by accident. as we'd moved to a new house, once we'd painted and decorated her room, she didn't want to leave it. you just never know what's going to do it for a kid. can you make her room more exciting to stay in? good luck!

My daughter (4) is doing the same thing. She actually waits up in her bed for me to fall asleep them sneeks in knowing if she is quiet I won't wake up and put her back in bed. I have caught her peeking her head in to see if I'm alseep yet, if I'm not she walks herself back to bed to wait. We've been talking during the day about it alot, explaining mommy and daddy don't sleep good because there isn't enough room and how she is a big girl with her own bed. Pointing out how cartoon characters have their own beds. I spend more time with her before bed cuddling and reading several good night books. I also made a chart on the fridge, every night she stays in her bed we put a glittery magnet I made on it, when she gets 5 she gets to pick out a toy from the dollar store. Every single night she does it she gets a little treat first thing in the morning. We also make a big deal of it telling people how proud and all that. She's gotten close to her first toy, she's slept in her bed 3 nights now, not all in a row but its still progress. I only had to bring her back to bed once on one of those nights. These are some ideas, I think its working for me so hopefully it will work for you too.

Hello S.:

I had the same problem with my daughter and still do sometimes and she is going on 9. Now it is rare but it does happen. When this was happening more full time, we made a deal that if she could go 3 nights in a row, without leaving her bed, we could have a sleepover in my bed on Friday night, with popcorn and whatever she wanted to watch on TV or whatever book she wanted to ready. On the other nights that she just could fight the urge, she could sleep on my floor without waking me up. I did explain to her that waking up in the middle of the night is not good for me or her, as it leaves us tired for the next day. She really loves this deal and now sleeps in her bed everynight, except for an occassional scary night. Good luck.

Hello,

My 6 year old daughter still does this - and like you - I don't even feel her get into the bed with us. I've never taken her back to her room when I do feel her - it was just never that important to me at 3 in the morning. Plus she tells me on a periodic basis that she is afraid of the dark and being alone in her room - which I completely get - I don't like sleeping by myself either.

Her sleeping with us, doesn't cramp our style. There are no behavior problems and I think she is a well adjusted child.

So, for now, if she comes in our bed it is okay.

Positively,
M.

This happened to me with my 3yr old. We were staying at my parents when in the middle of our PCS (military move). Since my parents had a 2 story house and I just have our other daughter I was just to tired to get up and take her back upstairs. So for 3 months she was in and out of my bed. When we moved to our new house she thought that she could keep doing it. We only have a queen and there is there is just no room for her! lol It took about a month but she finally slept through the night in her own bed. I guess I think it is important for her to be able to fall asleep by herself if she wakes up and not have to wake mommy up every time.

I think the idea of having a good bed time routine is great! That way she feels like she gets to have her alone time with just mommy and that may be what your daughter wants. I know for mine, cuddle and book time is her favorite time of the day!

Try to see it from her point of view. You and Daddy get to sleep together and she has to sleep all alone. I am sure part of it is that she is scared and part that she is feeling left out. Try talking to her. If she is scared of something, maybe you can help her find a solution that makes her feel more comfortable. She is at the age now where her imagination can come up with very scary things and she is old enough to know that you cannot protect her from everything (especially when you are in another room and can't see her).
If you determine it is just her feeling lonely and left out, then try a reward system. If she stays in her bed for every night of the week, then on Saturday night she can sleep in your room for the whole night (make it like a slumber party and spend some special girl time together). This is how I got my daughter to stay out of my bed. Eventually, it got to be only twice a month. If she requires that the reward be kept up long term, you could probably change it to a sleep over with a friend once a month.

Nope, it's not so bad that she ends up on the couch. You might even start putting a blanket and pillow on the couch AFTER she goes to bed so that if she DOES wake up, she's set. You made your point with her. She's staying out of your bed which is what you wanted. It won't be like this forever. Someday she'll be a teenager and ignoring you completely. Just love her and enjoy her while she's little.