Free Spirit 5 Year Old Loves to Wander the Neighborhood.

Updated on July 22, 2012
C.H. asks from Homestead, PA
20 answers

Ever since my daughter was around 2 years old she has been going outside the second my or my wife's back is turned. This first was noticed when she was still just under 2 years old. She got up early one morning before i was awake. My wife was at work and my son was in school. My daughter managed to open the door(was a rather sticky door and hard to open) with the main dead bolt locked as well. This was around winter time and she was not dressed properly. Of course i was startled awake once the police showed up.

After that time we have had a door alarm system installed, picked it up at Home Depot for a pretty low cost. It uses the magnetic attachments on the doors and then a plug in alarm. So we can move it anywhere in the home. It is loud enough to wake me, or alert me any time during the day. So that problem was quickly solved after catching her in the act a few times and putting her in time out plus rewarding her when she went days without bolting out the door.

Now we come to the present. She is about 5 and a half right now. She will go outside all the time, summer or winter. We had her under control with this for the most part and there were very few incidents that it was a problem. The house we live in now she has friends 2 houses down she goes to all the time. Any time she would go out she would end up at their house and everything was ok as we always knew where she was when she wasnt home. We know the people and their kids. This went on for about a year(when she was 4) this summer however she has gotten worse again. She will go out and simply wander the neighborhood. She goes at most a block away before i notice she is missing. Most of our neighbors know how she is and are rather helpful with the matter.

What i have decided to do about this for the short term is to add more of the alarm units around the house so there are no 'dead zones' where i am unable to hear the alarm go off. We have considered the seemingly popular idea of a 'high up dead bolt' or other lock style, however we are somewhat hesitant about this idea. I know it will help keep her safe but at the same time it can also be a danger as if she HAS to get out of the house she will be unable to do so. say if there is a fire and i an unable to assist her, or if something happens to me and she needs to get help(she is still learning the 911 thing but seems to be ok with it).

So i am unsure if i should use the lock method. The other problem i have with it is our back door is a large sliding glass door. It has a plastic frame, and no clear way to attach any form of lock that she would not be able to work. Also being 5 she is getting taller and more able to climb very high. She can take a dining room chair and place it anywhere on the main floor and simply climb on the back rest of it to get well above the top of the door far as reaching up high goes.

So i am wondering if there is anything to do for a 5 year old in this situation. She has the knowledge of why she cant go running off when i ask her about it. However she still does not have the ability to foresee the consequences of her actions. She doesnt go running into the street or anything like that, she just wanders around and goes into neighbors yards, most recently i had one of them knock on my door informing me she had broken a screen because she was knocking on the window to get their dogs riled up and barking. Any behavioral things i can do to help this, i have tried both positive and negative reinforcement neither seem to affect it at all.

P.S. Yes i am a guy. I have been a stay at home dad for about 12 years(my son is 13, daughter is 5), also i have frequently been a babysitter for some of my wife's cousins kids.

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So What Happened?

Thank you for the responses so far. To answer the question on forms of punishment we have tried just about all in the book. From smaller things like a simple time out in the corner, to room groundings. We have taken away her favorite toy(s) for a day. And yes even tried spanking. We try to keep various levels of punishment for the various levels of what she has done wrong. In all cases any punishment has not worked, as a lot of times even right after a punishment was dished out she would do the same thing again.

In response to the autism question. Yes this is something i always keep in mind. I myself am autistic, a rather high functioning level of it. Also for many years i watched my wife's cousins son who is the same age as mine. He is on a much lower functioning level of autism. My wife's mother is a psychologist specializing in children. We also do things like the annual walk for autism each year. So yes we have quite an extensive knowledge of it. So far she has not shown any other signs of having it her self. Also she has not shown any form of ADD/ADHD(hate those labels to be honest). In all she is a wonderful kid, on any other thing she listens quite well to the rules. She is great in school so far(finished preschool). So this is something i will always keep an eye on, as some of the signs might not show up until she is a little older. In any case we know how to handle things if she is in fact autistic.

For the moment i am going to try and keep a better ear on the alarms, and make sure there is no where in the house i can not hear them go off. The best method with her in any situation is usually catching her in the act and giving out any punishment on the spot. Once she has made it outside and has been out even a few minutes, to her that is still a victory on her part as she has gotten what she wanted anyways even if for a short period, and seems any punishment is worth the crime in her eyes so to speak. For when i am sleeping i will most likely use the higher door lock method as there are some occasions where the door alarm right next to my head will not wake me up.

I am also going to seek some help on the mental side of things with our psychologist who specializes in autism but is also a general family psychologist.

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Some other answers to questions posed... Right now when in the house she plays in the living room(she has a smaller toy box in there, plus the TV) She also like to use the computer in the next room quite a bit, playing on disney/nick/so on. Right now i am in the process fixing up the basement, which is a fully finished basement, carpeted, insulated, proper walls/ceilings. But i am making it into a large playroom for her where i will put putting most of her toys and other activities. Its a sort of 2 room area, one large room about the size of half the house, and another smaller area behind it. Once done she will have a TV there, and her toys, games, large ever growing collection of art supplies(my poor walls), plus i will have my computer in the same room so when i am on there she can be in the same room as me so i can keep an eye on her. Most occasions of her running out usually occur when i am either in the bathroom, in the laundry room(which is in the basement), or before i wake up in the morning. So this will help eliminate one of those as it is in the room right next to her soon to be play area. This combined with another alarm unit so i can hear it while in the bathroom will help me 'catch her in the act' a lot more which seems to be the best way to get her to stop for longer periods of time.

I do like the idea A. C. suggested, with the empathy style. It would be a bit difficult to do, but i think it would have a very profound impact on her. She has had instances where she thought she was alone in the house and would freak out, meanwhile im just in the next room and she didn't realize i had left the room she thought i was in.

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No, this is not a 'constant' thing. Its more something that comes and goes. She is not wandering around each and every day for hours on end. However she will wait for me to be out of sight then just walk right out. In almost all cases i know about it very quickly if not right away. In the cases where i do not realize she has gone out right away its usually a matter of maybe 5-10 minutes she has been outside before i know she is gone(3 floors of the house to check that she is not inside). Yes she is a 'houdini' She has been breaking past almost all childproof locks since she was old enough to walk. Baby gates became useless rather quick when she was younger. Me and my wife both call her the little ninja with her ability to get to anything in the house, get past any child locks, some normal locks, stealth around quiet as a mouse. By time she was turning 3 there were absolutely no cabinets or points in the kitchen she could not reach, including the top of the fridge. She would use multiple items to climb up higher, then use silverware/utensils to reach farther back and such. She knows to ask for things, and does so quite often, which of course i reward by usually giving her what she has asked for within normal reason of course, if its something she can not have at that moment she is told exactly why she is not allowed to have it.(like asking for food say 15min before dinner is done, things like that)

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R.Y.

answers from New York on

I'd compromise and put high locks on all the doors but possibly leave one open if you were in the same room. I would also punish her every time she left. I'm not 100% against spanking but maybe grounding her (on outside play time for the rest of the day at least) or taking away a favorite toy for a while will get her attention. It also sounds like she is bored. Is there any kind of summer activity you can put her in? Some towns have free or very inexpensive ones. Also, I have been doing sticker charts for my kids who are 3 and 6. It hasn't fixed every behavior issue but it is helping a bit on the 1 or 2 things I have focused on to change first.

S.L.

answers from New York on

I'd say at five I'd be quick to notice my child was not in the house. At five she can learn about consequences and should not need a lock on the door unless she is special needs. Tell her she now has to let you know what room she is at all times, keeping you updated as she moves from room to room. Sounds like she is very unsupervised and cannot handle being unsupervised. If she was a two yr old who put things in her mouth constantly you would have to watch her closely to keep her safe, this is the same. Why does she keep leaving the house? Maybe she is bored. maybe she is lonely. Does she have a routine? A place to play? a swing set to attract her to her own back yard? Give her less freedom for a few months, keep her busy in her house, and give her a timeout if she leaves the house without permission. Again if she has learning problems I would use the lock to keep her safe, but she is old enough to learn IF there are any rules and consequences in her house.

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T.N.

answers from Albany on

One more thing.

Do you get MAD when it happens? Is there anger and importance in your voice?

It's ok to get mad at our kids from time to time. Especially when there's DANGER. I mean you don't want to go flying off the handle at every little thing, but this is a BIG DEAL.

If my 5 yo did this even once I'd be up in her face, I'd be MAD. She would not like my reaction. If it happened AGAIN, I would likely hold a grudge in addition to being MAD. Kids do not like the cold shoulder.

If your household just continues on it's merry pleasant day to day after this happens, she has no VERY negative associations with the deed. And time outs just do not work for every child.

I'm not suggesting being physical of course, you shouldn't ever need too. But I would think it's time to get PISSED OFF.

Good Luck and enjoy her, she sounds like a really fun kid!!! Might be time for gymnastics class too I think.

:)

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A.B.

answers from Pittsburgh on

This is a major safety issue, so I would break out the corporal punishment on this one. Her life is at stake and there needs to be no question in her mind that this is unacceptable.

Also, until she gets the message, she should not be outside unattended at all, for any length of time. She must be - and stay - with you or mommy.

I would do the high lock to prevent her from leaving the house. You can always unlock it at night (after she's in bed) if you would need to leave the house in an emergency.

I think the combo of these three things would be effective. I know it's hard, but you would never forgive yourself if something happened to her.

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K..

answers from Phoenix on

High lock - the lesser of 2 evils.

Are there any consequences for her behavior? You didn't list any, so if there aren't any, it's no surprise she keeps on doing it. You are the parent, you say what's what.

I am not normally big on spanking, but my daughter would be getting major butt whoppings for doing something so unsafe.

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Ditto Theresa N! My kids were usually the most affected by my reaction when they were little. Since I was a pretty easy going mom most of the time, and they were pretty well behaved kids, it was a rare thing for them to see me REALLY angry, and let me tell you, it WAS effective!
Of course now that they are teenagers it has no effect whatsoever <sigh>
Good luck, I hope you figure something out!

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

you've got a lot of good answers so i won't reiterate 'em, just add one suggestion. having been a wandering soul myself as a child (and having the good fortune to be allowed to do so in a different world), i can sympathize with your daughter.
maybe she needs a secret garden.
can you create a place outside for her, that's her magic place to go? plant some bushes in a circle, with her very own super special private place inside? maybe with a chair and a table. or a playhouse. or an umbrella. or a box.
kids love to have their own worlds. maybe if she has somewhere in your yard that she's ALLOWED to go she'll stop wandering off your property.
i'd hate to see those faerywings get clipped.
khairete
S.

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J.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

I would also do the high lock for now. The likelihood that she will be unable to get out if she needs to is so low. You know for certain that she will leave the house if she isn't locked in.

I'm curious what sort of discipline you have tried. You only mention the alarms that notify you when she does leave the house. The main reason I ask is that in your title you call her a "free spirit," which indicates to me a certain amount of... I don't want to say "permissiveness" but maybe a fond ruefulness whereas I personally would be furious if my five-year-old left the house without my permission. I'm not saying you need to fly off the handle at her, but five years old is definitely old enough to understand the safety risks from wandering alone in one's neighborhood. I think you might need to step it up a little as far as letting her know how unacceptable you find this behavior.

Also, if she is trespassing or damaging other people's property, that's obviously a concern too. If she's in school right now, I might ask the school about possibly bringing a police officer in to talk about ways to keep yourself safe. Maybe hearing it from an outside authority figure will make the message sink in a little better.

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

We have a chain lock on the front door where the slide part goes up and down instead of sideways. We put a key lock in the top part of it and carry the key in our pocket all the time.

The windows have screws in them so he can't open them and crawl outside.

His safety is most important.

I know that if we had a fire we would be caught inside. We do have several smoke detectors in the house and hopefully we'd have enough warning to get out.

Sometimes we put the lock on the slide part and don't lock it. He looks at it and doesn't realize it's not locked, just hooked like it's locked. We do lock it at night every night.

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S.B.

answers from Dallas on

It sounds like you have a Houdini on your hands. I'd add the knobs that cover the door (they have them for lever handles as well) - yes she can get past it, but it may slow her down. I'd have the high up locks, the alarms and strict punishment for leaving without being accompanied by an adult. Be consistent with the punishment...find something that affects her. I'd also be much more vigilant about watching her. This post sounds like she wanders the neighborhood aimlessly all the time.

I can understand the resistance to higher locks, but hopefully this is just a temporary thing. You have to weigh the risks. Yes there may possibly be a fire or need for a speedy exit. Maybe. You know that she is definitely going to walk out the door if given five minutes alone.

We have a pool in our back yard. Like your daughter, both of our children liked to leave as soon as they figured out the doors. This was terrifying with our pool out back. We had to nip it in the bud asap. It started with turning on the chimes to our doors, getting knob covers and closing out doggie door when we weren't in the living room area. For a short while we did have to put a lock up high. There are several choices for safety locks, even for glass sliding doors. Google it and you are sure to find something. You'll be upset if a neighbor gets fed up and calls the police or CPS and you have that deal with. Worse yet, you'll never forgive yourself if she got hurt.

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A.C.

answers from Columbus on

The high lock would be my choice, I think.

One thought I had though--she probably has no idea how scared/worried you might be by having her go out on her own, and no real understanding of the dangers, at least in a visceral sense. So, my thought was to give her that visceral feeling of fear (no to hurt her but to create more empathy & understanding) in a SAFE way. Either try this: If you know she will be coming home after her wanders, make sure the house is empty (you in a nearby place, maybe with a baby monitor set up in the house so you can hear her enter) and your cars are moved out of sight (parked down the block). When she comes in and sees no one is home and starts to get upset/worried, then you can "come back" and explain what you did and why. Or, if you don't know that she'll come back from her wanderings on her own, you could set if up for a similar occurrence but for when she is coming back from a planned excursion, maybe?

My mom told me that when she and my dad were early into their married life, my dad would occasionally go out with his buddies after work for a drink, and sometimes not come home until very late, and would not call or let her know that he was coming home late or exactly where he was. At the time, my mom had 2 little ones under 2, and she really worried about him a lot. Anyway, my dad, not the most empathetic guy sometimes, "didn't get it." Well, one evening my mom went out for a rare girls night out, and lost track of time and forgot to call. When she got home and my dad said to her "I was really worried about you," she apologized, and said she wouldn't do it again, and then calmly said, "But at least now you understand how I feel when you forget to call." My dad never forgot to call after that if he was going to be late. :) Maybe something like a staged "wake-up call" could help your daughter?

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

1) Even with alarms on the door, which will tell you she has attempted to get out... she CAN still get out the door. Even if the alarm sounds off. Thus, she can still "escape" to who knows where. And kids can run fast, and "hide" too. So, that is also a danger. By the time you hear the door-alarm... and you run to the door, she could already have gone outside and left... the property or premises etc. Thus, to me, this is not enough of a preventative measure.

2) You might just have to, decide between which is worse: keeping the door alarms, but in which she can STILL get out and end up who knows where. OR.... put door locks/latches up HIGH on the doors, with a key lock. And then she cannot get out. And she will still be inside.

3) You said, she doesn't "go running into the street..." or anything like that... BUT she WANDERS around the neighborhood and into other people's property and premises. And even breaks other people's screens and knocks on other people's windows etc. SO.. that is still, dangerous. It doesn't matter that she does not "go running" into the streets. She STILL WANDERS and does things to other people's premises. It is still, highly dangerous, for her. What if, she happens to end up in someone's yard, and they grab her?

I think, you need to do what is the immediate need: put locks high up on the door.... even with a key lock. So that she cannot get out. Because, nothing right now, even the door-alarms, are not working. That is just a sound signal. But if you are not fast enough to get to the door, she can still get out.
And meanwhile, she is not comprehending, the concept of how this is dangerous, and how dangerous the "potential" of her wanderings, are.

4) Per the sliding glass door with plastic frame: try going to your hardware or home improvement store, and ASK them, what can be used on it, to secure it???? Ask them. OR... you might very well HAVE to, replace that screen sliding door, with something else... in order to provide better security.

There are 2 solutions:
1) do the immediate installations of high up locks on the doors & replace that sliding glass door.
2) Get her evaluated. Nothing right now, punishments or talking to her is working. And even if she starts to understand... it will take TIME. And meanwhile, she will STILL be getting out of the house and wandering... and who knows what trouble or danger, might happen as a result of her wandering. So for me, potential trouble outside the home due to her wandering... is more dangerous than putting locks high up on the doors.
So choose, which one you can live with or not.

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E.F.

answers from Kalamazoo on

If she is socially aware, what about showing her how much her disappearance upsets you? My son bolted in a department store when he had just turned 3. I had them shut the place down, bolt doors etc, and everyone was so helpful. Longest 12 minutes of my life. When he was found (and after I thanked those who helped) I took him to the car, strapped him in his carseat and cried. (I think this is the only time he has ever seen me cry) I explained why his actions made me so scared and sad. It really shook him up and he has never done anything like it since.

I hope you find something that works for your family. Good luck!

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J.T.

answers from Dallas on

Why not have ADT install alarms on all doors/windows of your home? Usually equipment and installation are free and you sign up for 2 yrs of monitoring at $30 per month - you can have a chime set to alert you any time any door is opened. Additionally, there would be a HARD rule of asking for permission EVERYTIME she goes outside, whether you know where she is or not, and a swift/firm consequence IMMEDIATELY when she doesn't ask. Also, I'd install a high lock/latch on every door - I'd be more concerned with a KNOWN danger than a remote danger such as a fire.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

You might also implement something as simple as a stop sign. STOP and ask first. It was used on one of those parenting shows to remind a young boy with Downs Syndrome to stop and ask before going outside.

I do think you need to have her evaluated to make sure something else isn't going on. I realize that some kids are more persistent than others, but what you describe seems like she has no sense of property, personal space, or boundaries. She just goes out whenever she wants. Is it that she can't comprehend it or that the consequences tried have no effect? What have you tried? If time out and taking toys doesn't work, what does she like (other than wandering around)? Can you take away time with those friends? If she goes and they call and you didn't know she left, you collect her and keep her home?

If you don't do a deadbolt with a key, you can try a chain or bar higher up than she is likely to reach.

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R.K.

answers from Appleton on

Have you had her tested for Autisim?

Also not to be picky or mean but "wives" is wife plural --- wife's is one wife possive.

☆.H.

answers from San Francisco on

We went with the high up bolt on the front door and it has served us well. I would say in your situation that the risks of her getting out of the house far outweigh the risk of a fire.
Also, most of the houses where we live have a tall fence all the way around them. All we had to do was put a padlock on the outside of the gate. No worries about any of the other doors.

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M.C.

answers from Washington DC on

Have you considered getting ADT that will monitor at night for you?

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J.J.

answers from Allentown on

Looks like you got some good answers. Honestly to me it seems she may be bored. Some kids need more structured activities than others. Perhaps you can set up a routine for each day. You can use pictures if she can't read yet. When you wake up this is your first activity, etc. You can even leave something out for her to do if you are sleeping in a bit, and then praise her tremendously when she completes it. These could be special art activities, involving paper/crayons/glue, etc. Can she be trusted with a child scissors? If not pre-cut things for her. After the craft, have breakfast set out for her or a snack, and then reading time, where she can look through a book and tell you about it later. There are dozens of activities you could set up on a daily basis to keep her too busy to think about going outside. It will take some planning on your part, but might keep her happier indoors. I too worry about locks and fire, and changed my bolts to ones my kids can undo, used to be keyed ones. But my kids don't have the problem of going outside unsupervised. You mentioned going to a friends house, if this is without previous consent from you, you need to treat it like any other time she leaves. At her age if it is okay for her to leave the house to go to a friends house without your consent it is okay for her to go anywhere. It is the linear thinking of this age. So if she is asking to go out to the neighbors she needs to understand she needs to ask anytime she leaves the house. For me and my kids, they are 4 and 7, they cannot go to a neighbors house alone. I would need to walk them there even if it is next door. So perhaps the rules need to change with regard to leaving the house, that she can never leave alone, or at the very least she needs to ask permission before leaving. And it is okay to say no and give her another option. Maybe spend some time playing games with her, or teaching her something you enjoy. Good luck it sounds like a difficult and frustrating situation.

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J.K.

answers from Phoenix on

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