Freshmen Home for Winter Break: Their Independence V. Our Rules?

The only real issue we ever had was my daughter was used to doing her own thing and didn't really fall into being an active member of the family - helping with chores, etc. And I ended up doing more laundry and picking up after her. We had to have a little "chat" about that! LOL

I always went with she sets her curfew but I shouldn't have to worry about where she is. In other words she told me when she was coming home and if that changed call me.

I think it is silly when parents want their kids to live by the same rules they had before they lived on their own. Sure they aren't actually paying their bills and all that but it is a different life.

Then the parents wonder why their kids are staying at school during most of their Christmas break. Yeah, news flash they aren't back at school they are crashing on my sofa and I only have room for a few! Thank god they graduated. :p

When my son comes home for break he no longer has a curfew, but he's good about telling me where he's going and what time he will be home. He knows I still worry :-)
The hardest part for us is the car. We have another daughter who is now driving so they fight about who gets to use the car when he's home. I pretty much stay out of it and let them figure it out on their own!

It does not always result in a "clash" with the parents.
It depends on the family dynamics and the now "adult" child and how they are.

Sure the parents have had quiet while their college aged kid is away... but MOST parents, miss their kid and look forward to them coming home on break. Mine did.

I never had problems, coming home on break, with my parents.

I didn't have any curfews. But like anything, as a family member, which a college "kid" still is... you all behave as responsibly as you can. The home, which is also your home, is not a hotel. You are an "adult" and independent and you can cook and clean and do laundry and go about your business too. And naturally when going out, I would tell my parents I am going out, or what I had to do, or with whom etc. They didn't stay awake until I got home. Even if that was 3:00 in the morning. They trusted, me. I trusted them. I wasn't an egg-headed slob when I came home on break. You grow up, right, being away at college.
And my parents didn't treat me like a child, once I was in college.

We had absolutely no clash in our house.

I was military (joined at 17). When I came home on leave, my parents treated me like every single ADULT guest they've ever had. Ditto when I brought friends home with me on leave.

My siblings (I have several) all went to college after highschool (I'm the oldest). Some lived away from home, some lived at home. Regardless... there were no more parent:child "rules". Those visiting were treated like every single ADULT guest my parents had. Those who lived at home followed the SAME rules my parents did.

A brief sum up:

- Everyone sets their own schedule. When the come and go, when they go to sleep and wake up, who they see where/when/and for how long they wish.

- It's polite to let people know when you're planning on being home for meals, but there is certainly no requirement to be home for meals.

- It's polite to let people know when you're heading out.

- It's polite to help with household chores (but there are no "assigned" chores) in addition to your personal living requirements, including offering to pick stuff up while one is out or on the way home from being out.

- It's polite to be quiet after others have gone to bed.

- It's polite to be inclusive / extend invitations AND

- It's polite NOT to demand or expect to be included / invited to all things and to give people their space

etc.

The only time I have ever seen a parent/adult child clash... is when parents are treating their adult children like children (as in an unequal relationship / parents having the "right" to be bossy and dismissive), or when adult children treat their parents in ways they would never treat any other adult that they're living with (ditto: an unequal relationship).

I remember clashing with my parents when I came home on break. They wanted to give me a curfew, didn't want me going anywhere on weekdays, etc. To me, it was annoying, especially since I was a GOOD kid. Never got in trouble, never went partying in high school, didn't do any underage drinking in college, and was making the dean's list in college. I was even at college on partial scholarship.

Needless to say, when I graduated college, I was OUT OF THERE at my first chance!

I "paved the way" for my brother, who was still a pretty good kid, but he got in trouble. Got arrested once, underage drinking, partied his way through freshman year in college and flunked out. He had no curfew!

What are you going to do, though? Really, their house, their rules. I just wish my mom and dad had lightened up. I might have stuck around longer! Or was that the idea? :)

One of the biggest things for us was that we both had to work even though our son was home for almost a month. This meant that he could stay up all night and sleep all day but we had to get up early. We had to remind him that while he is used to his own schedule, we can't be work up by him coming home late AND that if he's not coming home at all (staying w/ friends), he HAS to tell me or at least text me so if I wake in the middle of the night and he's not home I don't worry.

Another is that I let him know what the overall plans are (regarding various family get-togethers), and then he can plan his friend stuff.

My son came home and thought the rules he had while away were going to be the rules at home. He was so unpleasantly surprised when I would not let him have a girl in his room at 2am, food, loud music, loud talking, TV on, dirty clothes all over at all hours. Just throwing his dirty dishes in the sink to be washed by the maid (me). Not happening.
I enlightened my loving son on a bright sunny afternoon, his morning. I woke him and had a motherly chat on the subject. I had him back into son shape in no time. It took about a week to let him know I am not putting up with this. His mouth was out of hand also. But my evil sqinting at him topk care of that too!
The next year he decided my rules were not good for his social life. He has been in his own apartment now for 2 years and he loves it. He is a good boy and now laughs at what he thought he could do at home.

I had 3 kids graduate from college in 18 months the last one graduated last may. Each of them were different. My oldest daughter was the biggest pain of all lol. my sons both sort of just blended back into the household rules. they did go out some but in our house the rules are the rules it doesn't matter how old you are. of course they were all putting themselves thru school so that long break for them meant being able to work and stockpile money for the next semester. the biggest problem we had was my older sons girlfriend would come to visit and the rule was and still is for the youngest son that yes kids of the opposite sex can spend the night but have to sleep in a separate room. and my older ones girl always snuck into his room. (i'm sure he was in on it lol) but it has colored our opinion of her from the start as a person who won't respect the house rules is just a hassle. (but thats a whole nother story)

I was a goody two shoes kid, so there was no parent clash. BUT - I had a younger sister who had the room to herself (we lived in a 2 bedroom, my mom, sis and me) and had to "share" when I was home for summer and the holidays. I wish I had found a way to stay at my college with a summer job. I felt like a not-really-all-that-welcome guest in my home.

My kids are still 16 and 13 so we're not there yet - but they already know my opinion.

Going away to college creates a false sense of adulthood with all the privileges and none of the responsibilities. Parent fork out huge amounts of their cash to educate their precious child - and the child comes home with an attitude about their parents' ignorance, backward-so-last-century-thinking and rules. My kids know that unless they're footing the bill they're going to commute to college and live home. I'm not going to spend an extra $10K or more so they can gain "the college experience" (translate: partying) . I live in the NY metro area so within a 45 minute drive there are more than 10 colleges & universities - and if they want to hop on the train & head into the city there are about 20 more.

So as it relates to rules our bottom line is that when they are financially independent and living in their own place they'll be considered adults and can do whatever they want. Responsibilities & privilege goes hand in hand. Until then our rules apply.

My oldest will leave for college in August. We've already discussed expectations. I won't be imposing a curfew, but she can't come home in the middle of the night on a weekday and wake us up, or have us up all night worrying about where she is. She won't have to tell me every stop she's making (now, if she's going to a friend's or to Starbucks after going shopping, she does have to let me know) Her freedom will be somewhat limited in that she does not have her own car. She knows she will still need to keep her room clean and share cleaning their bathroom with her brother. I'm already not a maid for my kids, so they don't expect I'm going to become one while they are at college - they've cleaned their own room since middle school age and both of them (17 and 13) do their own laundry, so they're not going to be coming home from college expecting me to do it for them.