Friend Advice - North Platte,NE

Oh no! I didn't read any of the responses. But I'd definitely offer to pay for a new one or for the expense of the one she had.

I'd also look into some children books at the library on how to treat animals. Perhaps you could even go to the animal shelter with them and have someone speak to them. I wouldn't discipline him as much as educate him.

Oh dear God. I don't mean to hurt you further by telling you that this makes me sick in the pit of my stomach, but I am very worried about your son.

Please, please step backwards and clear the cobwebs from your head here. Your son needs counseling right away. It is not normal to throw an animal across the room. Something is wrong with your 6 year old to not have a "stop" in his head for something like this.

Also, the memory of having done it will change his thought processes. And THAT is something that a therapist needs to work on.

Don't bury your head in the sand here and explain it away by thinking that because he hasn't been around little animals, that he didn't know it would get hurt. It isn't true, L..

No amount of "I'm sorries" will help your friend. Either she is going to accept still being a friend to your family or she won't. You need to give her some time. Do not buy her another guinea pig. This is a personal thing and she and her family are actually traumatized by this event. You should tell her that you are taking your child to talk to someone about this.

This is not something that you discipline for. It is a really massive red flag that something is not right with him and you have to get help for him NOW.

Sincerely,
Dawn

I have mixed feelings about this. To be honest my background in psychology does get in the way sometimes.

On one hand that child should know from every thing he has ever been taught that we don't throw living things around. He had to know that a living animal, even a dog or a cat, are not to be thrown anywhere. He also should have picked up somewhere that we are supposed to be kinder to anyone or anything smaller that us, they are smaller and we can hurt them.

Just saying, he's had exposure to being told that we are supposed to not do this. To not hurt something to the point that it dies.

That poor animal must have been terrified. I don't know for sure but don't they squeal when they are hurt or scared? He had to know he was making a bad choice. The animal had to be running away and trying to hide, to protect itself, to find someplace safer. He had to be chasing it and catching it and throwing it again and again. That is the behavior that concerns me. That was 100% intentional. He meant to hurt the animal.

I would not let this child back in my home. Until I was sure he did not have a conduct disorder or was a budding sociopath. I can't imagine this being some thing the other mom will let go.

Now, on the other hand.

If he only tossed it and it didn't land the way he thought it would then he ran to get you as soon as he realized the animal was hurt then he may have truly just had a moment of bad choices. I know when I had a baby chick when I was 2-3 years old I can remember petting it and squeezing it so tight. It died because I crushed it. I was too little to know what I was doing. I remember that so vividly. I was afraid of touching animals after that because I thought I might hurt them.

This should effect your son. He should feel remorse, he should worry about what the animal went through, as he processes these emotions and feelings you'll need to help him through this. He took a life, whether you want to call it that or something else. He needs to acknowledge what he did was wrong but an accident and that next time he needs to make different choices.

YOUR CHILD HAS KILLED A PET.....He is six years old, so unless he is mentally challenged (which it does not sound like he is)...He knew he was hurting a living thing. He is a disturbed child with some serius issues and needs immediate help.

Don't be surprised if your friend and her family do not want to socialize with you or your family again. They may be thinking, if your child would be this violent with their pets, he would not hesitate to be violent against their children.

I would not offer to BUY another pet UNLESS you are requested to do so. One can not replace a beloved pet....that sort of thing will take some time.

I don't know what a child psychologist would say on what YOUR child needs to do to make ammends or apologize, but I sure would be finding out as soon as I could.

I will keep everyone concerned in my prayers.

Honestly, I think you may need to dig deeper into this because THROWING a live animal did NOT happen by accident. I just find it alarming that he threw it around the room - that's not an accident at all. He chose to do it. Maybe call your pediatrician and ask for help on this one cause it's pretty major.

I read your past post and it does seem your son has a history of not being able to control himself. Being really active is not enough of a reason for all of these behaviors. This event of killing an animal is your red flag.

The teacher was never able to say your son had a good day without some sort of melt down.. Goes along with this.
Please right now, call the pediatricians office and get a referal to have him evaluated for his behaviors. He needs help and you need to learn how to help him.

You have done everything you can do I am sure.. So now is the time for professional help for all of you.

Write an apology letter with sympathy and let them know you are going to take care of your sons behaviors but you are willing to do whatever you can to make his better or them.

This was their pet. A living creature.. Your son is way old enough to understand. There are no excuss fr this.

I am sending you strength.

WOW. This was so shocking to M. I read your other posts and you had one from Sept that he was being sent to the principals office at 5 and a little girl was afraid of him. These all can be unrelated I guess but I'd speak with the ped. doctor and see if there could be a reason for this.

He is way old enough to know throwing an animal is not ok and he should feel remorse and be crying for killing an animal and his friends pet! My daughter would be devestated.
Instead of offering to buy another pet (because its something that cant be replaced) how about teaching him to respect life and making a little memorial garden and a very heartfelt sorry card and bringing it to the family.

How were the kids? My daughter would be devestated if a pet died.

Also I'm sorry you are going through this. =(

Added: If you want more answers I'd change the subject line to include what happened I'm sure you'd get tons of help, maybe from someone going through this. I assumed it was going to be another my friend upset M. post

It will not mend if you make excuses as to why your son did this.

I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to post this question. Parenthood is rough for sure. I have to say that I agree with others in that throwing a small animal around is not normal behavior for a 6 yo. I also noticed you said how horrible you felt but never mentioned how your son reacted? It would help to know if he was as upset about it as he should be. Discipline is tricky since we don't know how he responded? Was he sobbing, sad, embarrassed, laughing, unemotional? I would think most kids would be so distressed that they accidentally badly hurt/killed a pet that they wouldn't need punishment. I really don't mean to be harsh here but tossing around a small animal roughly enough to break its back is not an accident. You might need to look a little deeper into what caused him to think this was okay?

Yikes...I agree with the ladies who said you might want to look into this a little bit further. It may have been an accident, but I think a 6 year old is probably old enough to know not to throw a live animal. I mean this in the kindest way possible, but I would be less worried about your friendship (which I would guess will be fine) and more worried about what might be going on with your son. How did he react to all of this-was he sad? tearful? remorseful? unaffected? Even if it was an accident, killing a pet is a big deal and he might need to process this with somebody (possibly other than you). If nothing else, I would be doing A LOT of talking with him about how he is feeling, how he thinks his friend might be feeling, how the animal was feeling, etc. If anything seems "off" to you about his responses I would call counselor right away.
Best wishes!

L., I feel for you, I really do. What I see is that you've posted about your son's issues for over a year and a half - have you gotten any professional help for him? Based on your posts, it doesn't seem like it. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I also find it kind of funny that you titled your post "Friend Advice" - your focus is not in the right place.

We're all adults here, so let's call a spade a spade. Calling your son "active" is majorly underplaying it, his behavior is not normal, he needs professional help, and I'd guess that deep down you know this. Choosing not to get him help is doing him and your whole family a huge disservice. Leave him the way he is and it will start to affect him socially. No mom wants their kid to be teased & ostracized because they are different.

I am not sure what else to tell you, as far as trying to salvage the friendship & what to do about the guinea pig. As a protective mom, your son's behavior is/would be a huge red flag for me, honestly, and I would most likely rethink whether or not I'd want my child around such an unstable child. At this point, I think you have much bigger things to worry about whether or not the friendship is damaged.

Please, L., your son deserves & needs help. This is not about your parental ego. I really hope that this is a wake up call to you. I have a 6 year old & she would NEVER think to take the animal out of the cage, let alone "throw it around" so much it died. He IS old enough to know better. Good luck.

The big question is how did your son respond to killing the animal?

I did go back and re read some of your questions to see if this child has had issues in the past or not. He has had some issues in Kindergarten
asked last fall...

Did the Kindergarten issues clear up? What was the solution to those issues? OR is this behavior a continuation or escalation of those same issues??

If you answer yes that this a continuation of the same issues that seem to be getting worse...then my best advice would be to call your pediatrician and get a referral to a child psychologist.

I think that was one of the most difficult calls I ever had to make was to make my son an appointment to see a child psychologist. I was ashamed and was wondering what in the world I was doing wrong. It was the BEST call I ever made...our pediatrician sent us to a wonderful woman, who in just a couple of sessions turned my son and our family's life around. Suddenly I was equipped with tools to help my son make some changes.

I just got the paperwork that my son's file was going to storage if we didn't let the practice know we wanted to keep seeing them...we haven't needed her in that long...but I knew I had and still have her (our psychologist) in my parenting "tool box"...should I face a problem again that requires professional help...I know who to go to...

This might be that final sign that you need to find a professional to talk to...or it could just be an accident...listen to your mommy gut...

If you fall in the no to help camp...call and arrange to meet the other family at the local pet store to buy another pet.

If you fall into the we need some professional help camp...let the pro advise you on how to proceed.

Big hugs to you!!!!

I'm sorry, but a 6 year old knows better than to throw a small animal around. I don't believe it was an "accident" and I believe your son should be severely punished and not allowed to use the excuse it was an "accident."

Don't know what the punishment would be, but please keep an eye on him. If he continues to "accidentally" hurt small animals or children, get him some help right away.

The outcome was unfortunate to say the least but it was not an accident. Perhaps accidentally on purpose. Any way you want to turn or twist this, your kid is in dire need of counseling. Where is his sense of compassion? Where is his sense of remorse?

I'm not trying to make you feel bad just know that the things we do at six aren't so cute or charming or accidental at 16. Please check into getting him some professional help. Don't take him to a hospital for this help because your kid could get classified. Try a private practice. Don't let another week pass before appointments are made. This is very serious business.

Then let your friend know again how badly you feel and that your kid and your are in family therapy. Offer to replace the pet when and if they are ready.

I actually gasped when I read this.

I agree with the others that say that you should take your child to a professional. Not because there is something wrong with him, necessarily, but because there is an important lesson here that needs to be understood by him...and since he's SIX and doesn't know it yet, I'm thinking you might not know how to teach it.

I also think that you need to get together with your friend for coffee and a sit-down. No kids. Talk to her, ask her what you can do, and if they would like for your family to get a new pet for her kids in a few months. Also, if there will be a funeral for little Piggy, I think your son should be there.

Wowza.

This is a really, really bad situation. I am sorry that you are going through it. Because you have to accept the fact that your child not only hurt, but killed a living creature, someone's pet. Kids can make mistakes. Kids can accidently hurt something, it happens. The problem is, your child threw a living creature around the room until it died. And he doesn't seem to be upset about what he did. This is not typical children's behavior. Even if he wasn't used to playing with anything smaller than a dog or a cat, that doesn't make this OK. Would he be allowed to throw around one of them? The ONLY way to make this better, for your friend, for her children, for yourself and for your child, is to get him help. Take him to the pediatrician for an evaluation. Ask for a referral to a child psychologist. Do it now.

Does every kid who kills an animal being a serial killer? No. But most kids who grow up to have serious issues started out by killing animals. Even if this is a one time behavior, you need to err on the side of caution here and do your due diligence to make sure that he will not repeat this, ever.

Oh, I am so sorry. I'd write a letter to my friend, expressing my grief and concern and thanking her for our continued friendship.

Aslo...

Because of some of the other answers below, I looked back to see what they were talking about. I have a 7 year old and we are in the process of having him evaluated for ADHD. He also has difficulty being still - ever. He also sometimes displays actions that are really not appropriate to the setting. But he would not throw an animal around. I'd say any need to watch for that kind of thing happening -due to undeveloped reasoning- ended between age 3 and 4.

With ADD/ADHD, we already know something is amiss in our child's brain. We know early intervention helps and can mean a perfectly normal life.

If your child is bright, you probably alreay suspect more. I have read (I don't have data) that there are many more sociopaths that we realize - because most of them *never* do anything violent. They are instead taught right and wrong as children and manage to process that teaching - even if they never feel any guilt. Please understand that if you suspect such a thing, they very best thing you can do is get help. The potential for a child to grow up and be nice and at least intellectually "empathetic" is real.

If your child has mental challenges, then you know you have a different path. I know from my own childhood playmates that children with specific mental challenges can become violent when they mean to be affectionate. No ill is meant, no empathy is missing. Capacity to reason and process cause and effect just isn't available.

So...I didn't read enough to have any *idea* what might be going on. And I wouldn't be qualified to guess either. But if you have behavioral therapy going for the ADD, wouldn't this be worthy of dicussion?

I wish you the best. My heart is aching for you.

I hope you don't mind these additional thoughts. I know hearing such things isn'te asy. And anyway, we could all be very wrong. Only you can know.

best to you,
e

L.:

I'm truly sorry this happened. How horrified you must be.

We have a rule in our house - if it's not yours - DO NOT TOUCH IT.
Why? just for this reason!!!

It's an ANIMAL - not a toy. That he did something like this - taking it out and not understanding how to play with it?!!! It's like you are making excuses for your son..where was everyone else while he was THROWING an animal around? Is this how he plays with dogs and cats??!?! At the age of 5 - he should KNOW already that that is NOT acceptable behavior. So my question is - did he do it knowingly?

How to do apologize to a friend for killing their pet? I'm sorry might not be enough. You can't just "buy" them a new one.

How would I handle discipline? I don't know. To be honest. My child has never killed another person't pet...so I don't know how I would handle it. I know that at their ages (9 & 12) should something like that happen - I would most likely schedule an appointment with a therapist to find out what would make him do that.

GOOD LUCK!

I'm with Laurie A., please call the Pediatrican. At his age he should definitely have known better.

I am with everyone else here-you are being way too lenient on your son. Harming and killing animals is one of the litmus tests for some very disturbing behvioral disorders. I have to believe that your son knew not throw a tiny animal. What I think you should do is to call your friend and again tell her how upset that you are and ask her if she can ask her own children thier version of how it happened. As hard as it will be for you to face it is something that you must do. You need to find out more about this incident so that you can know how to proceed from here. I also think that you need to really punish your son and not make the excuse for him to feel better about it by telling him "thats ok, you didn't know". You tell him it is wrong to take a life no matter how small.
I would also offer your friend money to replace the guinea pig if and when they are ready.

The fact that your son, at age 6, threw a living creature around the room until it died is a big red flag. To help him, you can start by getting him the help he needs to hopefully prevent any further incidents. This really is serious. Start by making an appt. with your pediatrician. Is your son truly saddened by what he did, that's an important question.

I would probably buy my friend a large vase of flowers in addition to replacing the pet, and then explain to her that I was seeking professional help for my child. I'd leave it at that, let the dust settle for awhile. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I don't know the answer to this situation or if your child is in need of serious help or not but it sounds like it from other posts who read your back posts on here. What I wanted to say was that a guinea pig can die just of fright, we had one do that when a gentle dog we had ran up to his cage. They have heart attacks and are so easily frightened. I'm surprised the kids who owned the pet didn't check on it and say to stop or was your son alone with it and just took it out on his own alone? It is very disturbing to me, the whole situation and I think it would be wise to have someone outside your home at least discuss this with your son and see how he feels about it and how he felt at the time, etc. I hope you do this soon. As to patching up the friendship it depends on the friend and how willing she is to stay friends. She may get over it but prefer your son not come around or maybe not. I hope you can resolve it soon. For everyone including the anguish you must feel about it all.

We have hamsters and any time other kids come over and want to hold them I have to be RIGHT THERE telling them the proper way to treat a hamster. Otherwise, they (ages 5, 6, 7) do tend to toss them eventually or drop them. I am very strict and have taught my son to also be strict about....you have to sit down to hold them. You cannot drop or throw them. You cannot poke them and you must be extremely gentle. I have to remind almost every kid (boy) that the hamster can die or be injured. One poster below said your child has no compassion and needs counseling. I do not agree bc I see so many kids seem to be tempted to toss the little animals around. I truly think they do not realize it hurts them. Once I teach them they are much more careful. You need to teach your son that he needs to be extremely gentle with animals...especially the small ones. Tell him being dropped from his level is like him falling from the roof of your house. Teach him that this was someone's loved pet and they are sad and missing their fuzzy family member.. Have him draw them a picture and write out how sorry he is. And YES, do offer to take their kids to go pick out a new guinea pig. Send your friend a card, and keep telling her how sorry you are. Take your son to the pet store have your son practice holding different small animals and be constantly telling him what to do and how he can treat them. Really try to drill it in. It took my son about 3 months of me drilling it in before he really got it (after we got the pet hamsters). He loves them so much, but he often was too rough. Now he is much better with them (at age 8).

I have to agree with the other posts suggesting that you get your son some help ASAP. At 6 he should know that he can't do this to a living thing, and data shows that this behavior will not just stop and will usually get worse - later often directed toward people. Your concern should be your son first, not your friend.

I'm in the camp of having your son talk to a professional (ped or therapy).

But I don't want to just pile on - depending on the circumstances, your friend may be secretly relieved not to have to take care of the ignored "pet". It certainly is possible that this wasn't the beloved family pet - but a weak moment when a parent said "yes".

Still shouldn't be launched into a wall - but I'm sure your friend will understand and you can patch things up. But your son needs to see someone with more expertise than we have.

Hi. I am so sorry this happened. all around. It must be a terrible feeliing for everyone. Including you and your son....

If it were my son (who is now 4)...
1. I would try to help teach him empathy for what the family must be feeling.

2. I would try to reinstill the importance of treating any living creature wiht gentleness and care..

3. I would try to think along with my son what he can do to help the family grieve and move on ...

4. I would try to think along with my son how he can show he sincerely has remorse to the family (maybe writing a letter to them???)

5. After reading some of the other responses and understanding there perhaps is some type of history of some misguided behavior and that perhaps this was not an accident, I must agree that perhaps you should consult with your pedi. And perhaps some type of guidance counselor/child therapist/pastor or religious minister of some kind.

6. And, I do think there needs to be some type of consequence for his action that will help him learn the above lessons. Perhaps even having to do the same chore for the other family every day for a year. or at home. something meaningful that will help him think through his action.

7. I would also ban all TV and computer time for now. And buy some children's books that help teach the above lessons.

I hope this is of some help.... I am sure this situation is hard for you as well.

Jilly

It was your son's actions not yours so I would hope your friend doesn't judge you because the animal died; she may change her mind about spending time with you depending upon how you reacted. Since you were understandably 'horrified' and apologized several times I would hope she will treat you the same. She maybe more cautious with her kids around your son. Time will tell.
I wouldn't go and buy another guinea pig. Buy them a voucher at the pet store to replace it when they are ready.
I would take your son with you to the pet shop to buy the voucher and make him write an apology letter to the family which he can hand deliver to them. He needs to know that this is a big deal and he should feel remorse and empathy for the kids who lost their pet.
I was at a play date once and although four moms could see the kids playing in the next room the 5yr old coaxed my 18mth old son into the corner and sprayed fly spray in his face 'to see what would happen'. The mom didn't think it was a big deal and other than an off handed 'that's a very bad thing to do say sorry' she let it go. A trip to the ER (my expense) with an inconsolable child later we didn't see them again. Combination of her reaction and his was enough of a safety issue for me.

Oh Sweety, I am sorry your going through this! I dont think I can add much to what others have said. Its tricky because, you need to and don't want to amek a big deal out of this. Discipline on this one is hard. I would make him WRITE out a letter to your friend and her kids saying he is sorry for his action. and if your friend take you up on getting a new pet then I would make your son pay for it. Keep his allowance or work it off in some way. I would NOT make this an easy out for him. He should feel a more than a little uncomfy about this. I also really liked the idea of having him volintear at the aminal shelter, an animal rescue might be a good place too. It might be OK for him to see animals that have been hurt by people and the pain it causes them. Its ok for him to be upset by this
I just want to take a step back here everyone is screaming that your boy need counsling, and I know this might upset some of them, but I am not sure JUST from what you tolled me that he does. Agin I dont know what happens at home, what kinda kid he is. He is loving to you and his sibling? Can he show empathy? You said something about a dog and a cat...are they your dog and cat, if so how does he play with them when he think you arnt looking? YOUR his mom my dear, you know whats normal for him....dont let other people judge you or your son off this ONE action. If you find out he did this on purpus or you think it might happen again then yes you might want him to talk to someone then, but if this is the first and only time something like this has happend with him, if he is upset or crying, then I think that it was an accident and do your best to teach him how best to play with small animals, because the boy IS 6 not 16. He is still learning right from wrong, and might not understand how strong he realy is.
Keep your chin up my dear. I hope I have helped you in some way
hugs
S.
PS I do really like what Retta said right befor me. I think she has good advice

At age 6 he should know how to handle small objects and be careful and he should be made responsible to rectify the situation. So you need to make him take his own money, and if he doesn't have any then he needs to work it off, and buy your friend a new guinea pig.

I'm guessing that your son feels very badly about what he has done, and he should. He needs to feel guilt and remorse, let him feel those emotions without trying to smooth things over or tell him "it's OK." But let him know that you still love him and that you understand it was an accident. Tell him that sometimes we make mistakes that cannot be taken back, no matter how sorry we feel. Then help him to come up with ideas on how to apologize, go to the dollar store and pick out a condolences card and help him fill it out and send it. Along with the card, send the amount of money that a new Guiney pig will cost, you can write "I know that Nibbles [or whatever the name of the pig was] is irreplaceable, but I hope that you can give a good home to another young Guiney pig." Once you have done that, there is really nothing else ot do but hope that your sons friends forgive him and reassure your son that you love him. And of course talk about how to be gentle with small animals (and big animals and people for that matter!) Living things are not toys and we must always consider their feelings.

I would offer to replace the animal, perhaps taking your friend & her kids to help pick one out or another small animal of their choosing. Good luck!

wow. i'm so sorry.
I don't know what the punishment should be. Do YOU have a family pet? Maybe send the pet to the friend's house for a few nights? That will help your son understand what those kids are now going through.

As for replacing the pet, the time and place for getting a new pet is up to the family. You can't just hand them $50 and say here go buy a new one.