Friend Concerned That I Might Be Depressed

Hi M.. I also have a small baby, our first, 3 months old. I am American, but my husband is German. We've lived in Munich for 5 years now, and so I had my baby here in Germany. In doing so, I realized how fast-paced we Americans can be. At our ante-natal, birth prep course, we were told that after the birth you shouldn't leave your room in the first week, your house in the second, your neighborhood in the third, and your town in the fourth. Well, I will admit I was up on my feet cooking and doing things rather quickly, but it was still a good bit of advice to help women not to overdo. It sounds to me like your circumstances alone are enough to feel a little frustrated, and sure, there are maybe hormones involved, but not every negative feeling needs to be diagnosed as depression. In the end, I don't think it matters what your friend thinks, but only how you feel. Be sure you take enough time for YOU, and then I think everything else will be more manageable. One of the very best things you can do is rest or nap when your son is napping. Hope this helps a little bit!

It sounds possible. If you are in doubt the best thing to do is go see your Dr. He/She will be able to do a better assesment. There are also various self tests at webmd.com

I ws always frustrated and then sorry I had lost my cool. It was like being on a constant nicotine fit. I went in and the Dr. gave me the lowest possible dose of a generic med that has been around for years and it helped. It won't hurt you to go see.

Regardless of the cause --- whether it be post-partum or current circumstances --- if your friend was brave enough to talk to you about depression --- you should listen. Make sure you're eating healthy and getting exercise and getting much needed vitamin D (sunlight). Since you're living in your mother's basement --- you NEED to get out more. Since your husband works a lot and you're living in your mother's basement --- get your mom's help with your son. You need a break. There's nothing wrong with being depressed. It's normal for your situation. Take care of yourself first so you can take care of your son. Hugs.

Hello M., I sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and this will pass. Right now some of the things that you could do right now is make sure you take care of you, and one way might be go for a walk as long as you can make it and think about adding a good nutritional supplement to your diet, liquid if possible, I can recommend one to you that would help both your little guy and yourself.
I would be a little depressed by all you are going through right now, so just do some good things for yourself, and get good B vitamins if nothing else, there is an excellent one called St Johns positive thoughts, it's high in B's and St Johns Wort.
B vitamins are nerve vitamins and they keep our nerves healthy.
Have a good day Liz

your friend may be right (with depression it often takes someone other than ourselves who has experienced it to recognize it). or you may just be really tired. i think you should call your friend and ask her to babysit so you can have a nap or do something for yourself. it sounds like that is what you really need, and she is after all reaching out to help you. so tell her how she can help the most.

M.,

Just because you have some wonderful reasons to be depressed:
living in your mom's basement, a fussy baby and being left alone, doesn't mean that you are not depressed.

I would like to recommend a wonderful book (that includes a CD).
It is called, "The Mindful Way through Depression" It is recommended for people who are not chronically depressed, but feeling a little blue.

With my whole heart,
C., TLC
(Transition Life Coach)

Here is another thought for you. When I gave birth to my last son 15 years ago I had a midwife who was the wisest person I ever met! She cared about the whole me not just the physical me which is mostly what the Dr. cares about. Her wisdom is this. Your circumstances and everyday feeling and emotions about what is going on around you and how you feel bout those things affects you and your baby in ways that you cannot believe.
I have lived with my inlaws before and been VERY unhappy. I may be trying to be content with the situation because I think I have to because that is where we need to be at the time but down underneath you are not happy. So the baby picks up on that and feeds on that emotion. Therefore he is unhappy. When you were with friends you were very unhappy underneath because you had to go back there to a situation you don't want to be in. Children are very perceptive of those emotions we try to keep hidden away.
Acknowledge these feelings and emotions and stop hiding. Tell your husband if you wish so that together you can work it out. You won't be carrying this alone and it will help calm you down and hence the baby! Stop trying to handle it on your own. Your son knows you are unhappy. Children are a mirror of the true self!

First off, have you tried anti-gas drops???? They work wonders on infants who have a problem with colic or trapped gas. Second of all you very well may be depressed, but then again with a cranky baby who isn't? My suggestion would be to take a good look at what your friend said to you. Does she know you really well? If she does then you most likely are depressed. I would talk to your doctor about it either way. I can tell you from experience that there are times when people need a little extra help, but it doesn't mean that it is forever or that one should take it personally. For the health of yourself and your baby, I would speak to your doctor. The fact that your friend said something means she cares about you a whole lot and is worried. I would thank her for bringing it up and take her advice, there is nothing bad that can happen from double checking with your doctor. Good Luck!!! Life does get easier as they get older.

Of course it's circumstantial! But let me tell you something. I went to the doctor right before (hours before) I left town to leave my husband, who was/is having some mental health problems that make him emotionally abusive and at times violent. I'd reached my breaking point and had to get out of there. My parents were "rescuing" me and taking me to live with them for a few months to see if my husband would get professional help.
I had to tell the doctor all of this because she kept asking me to come back in, and did I need birth control, etc. She listened and said that with circumstances like that, I was probably having some depression problems, and did I want something for that?
I naively said, "No, it's just circumstantial, and the circumstances are changing TODAY, so I'll be fine."
Dumb dumb dumb. Things like that don't just go away in a day.
At the urging of my mom and sister, I finally started taking some St. John's Wort and it really helped. I was far away from "in network providers" so I couldn't afford to go get a prescription antidepressant, so I had to rely on over-the-counter solutions.
Maybe it's not post-partum depression. But just because it's circumstantial doesn't mean you shouldn't get some help. Really, do yourself a favor. You probably don't realize how bad you feel because you're used to it. But you can feel better! And you will be better able to help your son through his fussy times, and better able to deal with your circumstances until you can change them. Because so many times, changing the circumstances can take a long time.

Oh, and something else I've learned is that when your friends and family get a feeling that something isn't right, they're probably right. They can see things from the outside, from a different perspective. It's hard to hide things from true friends. So listen to them.

Your friend needs to give you space and not project her feelings on you. It is perfectly normal to want to have quiet time to be with your baby and re-coup, especially when your baby is young. Your friend is probably just concerned, and of course, watch yourself to make sure you don't slip into postpartum depression, but if you don't feel like you are, then don't worry about it. Being stressed and tired does NOT automatically make you depressed, nor does not wanting to help your friend move or go out every Friday night. Do what you need to do and take care of yourself, and don't let anyone else put pressure on you that might end up adding up to an overwhelming point. This time is for you and your family, and others need to respect that. Good luck!

i know just how ya feel. i felt the same way when my now 2yr old little girl was first born. but we too were in very rough living situation. finally i am feeling better but it took 2yrs to get here. you might not be struggling with depression, but you should definetly call your doc anyway so you can have some answers and get help if thats what you need

You may want to talk to your doctor about it. Stressful situations can promote postpartum depression. The situation you describe (fussy baby, husband not around much, and living in MIL basement) creates a stressful environment that makes you very prone to postpartum depression. Many women, and I was one of them, don't realize they have postpartum depression until they are pulling out of it.

it sounds like your baby is reacting to your feelings. it is quite a strain when you live with your parents and i am almost sure that your husband is working extra hard and long to--1.stay away and--2.to get you out of the situation you are in. plus not to mention he is probably feeling the most stress that he isn't able to be the kind of dad and husband that he would like to be.

my suggestion would be to take a deep breath and make the best that you can with what you have. there is nothing that you can do to change it right now.
and don't forget about your marrige!! you still need to make time for one another and maybe your mom could help in that department. and if not then it sounds like your friends would be more than happy to care for your baby so you and the hubby could have a date.
postpartum depression is normal to an extent. you should try to go out more and that will help to teach your baby to adapt really easy.. plus i think he will relax if you relax..
i hope this helps a lillt. GOD BLESS

Feeeling better would be an improvement, right? Talk with your Dr and try a low dose anit-depressant. It won't take the bumps out of the road, it just makes them less stressful. Be better for your baby, your husband, but most of all for you!

You could be a little depressed. Do you have very little patience with him and you snap at little things? I say fix what you can and get out alone with you husband, easy to do living in your mom's basement and you should even take some time for yourself. Go get a pedicure, your hair done, tanning. Whatever you like to do to get a break and do it maybe once or twice a week, short times nothing major. See if that helps but being naturally nurturing as women are you should have patience with your baby. take your son into the dr. and see if he is having a problem digesting or maybe he has allergies to something he is eating. think about your baby and how miserable he is if he is acting like that and be the person he can count on to help him feel better but also don't discount the fact that you may have postpardum depression and get checked out for it. It couldn't hurt, could it? best of luck to you. I went through the same thing with my second child you will get through it and just take the time to go out even if you don't feel like it at all it will make you feel so much better and you will have more patience for that precious life you are in charge of.

Oh honey, bless you ! Staying in mom's basement with a baby and lots of whining and a friend wants you to help pack and move, well I would be cranky too! My youngest is five and I could not comprehend being a help to anyone because she needs attention and supervision! Your friend should support you and not ask you to do such a big task! ( Ride to the airport etc. yes but moving?) And I decided to stop going places for a while with my kids because it is just so stresful, I mean dinner out is not fun with the kids! Could mom maybe watch the baby so you and your husband could go out to a movie or something fun? As far as post partum: Are you able to enjoy things that you normally enjoy? Are you sleeping well( well as much as to be expected with a baby!) Maybe look online for symptoms just to be safe. Hang in there! You are ok!

Circumstances can cause depression. Overwhelming and stressful situations can lead up to a chemical imbalance which can lead to the symptoms of depression.
Having a good friend concerned is a blessing.
It never hurts to investigate it sooner. Most people that are feeling depressed are the last to recongnize it. If you are feeling tired, losing the urge to get out, seem short tempered, impatient, not sleeping well or change in appetite then these are all classic signs. Go talk to your Dr, tell them how you are feeling and have him decide.
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and also making sure you get some time with your hubby, away from your son (not a bad thing on occassion) and being more social with your friends will help a lot! It does not make you a bad mother taking a break and doing something for yourself.

If you are tired and a little down with your current responsibilities, it does not mean you are depressed. It is so normal for first time moms to be a little overwhelmed with the new person in their life... I'm soooooo glad I never have to be a first time mom again... that was HARD.

Postpartum depression is a little bit more serious than feeling overwhelmed and maybe even a little blue. Those are normal for a person in your situation. It is when feeling bummed out or overwhelmed is a state that continues, even after your baby is on a schedule and you are getting more sleep. In its worst forms, a person may want to hurt themselves or their baby, or give up. If you have those kinds of feelings, or general unhappiness that doesn't seem like it will ever go away, see your doctor. Meds nowadays help a lot of people get through temporary or long term depression.

Otherwise, trust your instincts. If you feel a little bummed out but that your mind is healthy... don't let other people tell you that you are depressed. I had a couple of people question me about if I was depressed after my first was born. I cried my fair share (anyone would cry if nursing hurt them as much as it did me). Well, a lot of people will feel frustrated and even sad at times while adjusting to a new life... all of a sudden it's hard to take care of yourself, exercise, take a shower... you want a little break, but a beautiful little person seems to need you constantly. It's going to get a lot better... I just had number three and my oldest is five. I'm a lot less stressed out now than I was as a first time mom. Hang in there. Don't be afraid to enlist a little help from your mom or MIL or sisters or SILS or a young girl in the neighborhood who can sit with your baby while you take a nap... or hold him while you run a couple of errands. This really will get a lot better. Best wishes!

I would speak with your doctor and do some research on postpartum. It doesn't sound like you have it to me, it sounds likes the circumstances you are in right now are making you feel down.

Be grateful to have such a good friend. I always said I would rather have a freind tell me if I have my skirt tucked into my tights or toilet paper on my shoe. At anyrate, i had a mild case of PPD. I remember nursing my seceond while my one year old was screaming for attention. I sat there thinkng: I get it! I get it...I know now why that mom drove her kids into the lake. But I thought after that, thank goodness Iam intelligent enough to know better. There are times even now mine are 2.5 and 4 years, that I just want to loose it. I slap the wall instead. But this is when I am tired and trying to do too much. My husband also got a visectomy so my PMS is horrible now I am off birth control. at anyrate, it is all what it is. You are doing what you are doing. the only think you can really do is acknowledge how you feel right at that moment, feel it, and then let it go. Your husband is doing the best he can to have you be the sole caregivers to your child. Like mine, that means he is not home alot. So join a MOMS Club or other group you like and get out. go to pladates and defiantely go to the MOM'S night out. I never miss it. Even if it isn't what I really want to do, I go and just order a cheap drink or something. I have to chat with the gals who are going through what I am. I love that we are all here but are so different in where we have been and where we will go. It makes conversations about politics or whatever very stimulating. so that is it..stimulate your brain and get some sleep.

If your friend is concerned enough to say something, you should listen to her, if she is a really good friend then she would know you well enough to have some gage of what is normal for you, in just about any situation.

What would it hurt to talk to your doctor about it? What if your friend is right and your life could mellow out a little with help from a professional? It is possible that your stress is life related, we all have it, but I wouldn't discount your friends advice, the person in the depression/postpartum usually doesn't realize that there is an issue until it is to late.

Talk to a Dr let him/her be the judge of it, better safe then sorry!

Good Luck....

If you're worried, check with a doctor. When I had my son, I was so sleep deprived and therefore moody, that everyone kept asking me if I was depressed. My husband kept telling me I need to go to the doctor and I kept telling him I need a freaking nap! Anyway, you're not going to be the same after having a baby, but only you know if you are sinking in a depression or just having a rough time like all moms do. Good Luck.

Find a 'questionaire' (sp?) online. I was basically in the same situation, only I didn't realize til much later, and I did have depression, and I still do. It wasn't just postpartum. REad information about it and if it seems like you might, talk to your doctor.

Wow M., reading your post was like looking in a mirror for me! My husband and I lived in my mom's basement for 14 months while he finished school and I worked fulltime. My mom took care of my twins but it was still so hard for me. I was so grateful for her help, but let's face it: living with your parents is hard, especially after you have been married and out on your own. My mother-in-law (whom I love and get along with great!) asked me a couple times when I vented to her if I thought I had post-partum depression, and I was so resistant to the thought that I told her very strongly that NO I do not! I thought admitting I had that problem meant I was a bad mom or that I was weak, and I felt like my husband and kids needed me to be strong. Well, after we moved out on our own and my husband is working full-time and I stay home now, I finally admitted that I have a problem. I too thought it was all circumstantial, but the truth for me was that circumstances wouldn't change until I changed my mindset. We have a wonderful chiropractor who works with homeopathic remedies and acupuncture, and I approached him about my problem. I was super emotional, cried at everything, and had no patience with my kids. My sex drive was also very low, which has been remedied by moving out of my mom's house and getting off the pill actually. ANYWAY, the chiropractor gave me a couple herbal remedies that have helped a ton; I no longer cry at every little thing, and I enjoy my kids a lot more. I don't know if all of this is coming together for you, but the point I am trying to make is this: it took me 18 months to admit that I had post-partum depression and to get help. I can completely understand not wanting prescription meds because I was on Prozac in high school and while I was no longer seriously depressed, I also didn't have any high points either. I was emotionally flatlined. I don't feel that way with the herbal remedies, I feel completely happy and normal. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and know that you will be supported no matter what. Just remember to kiss your baby and hug your husband a lot, and take time out for you!

I think for those of us who have gone through ppd it is something we would do anything to not have those we love have to deal with. It sounds like your friend loves you, and whether it is situational or ppd you are admiting that you are struggling beyond the norm right now. The biggest question is: Was it a bad day among many good ones? or was it pretty much about how they all feel? That was a question I had to answer and I realized that I just wasn't happy. I had a happy moment now and then but I wasn't happy. Through professional help I got to where I now have bad days...meaning I am happy...and now and then a bad day crops up and I am amazed at the difference. Like the other moms said, it can't hurt to find out--there are questionaires all over online you can take that will give you a good gauge of if you are depressed and your doctor should have one for you as well. the situations you describe all contribute to depression--love yourself enought to know that you deserve to be happy regardless of the situations around you.

Hello M.. How old is your little boy? I have two myself, I'm 27 and my husband is a farmer. So, he's never home...I have good days and 'lonely' days myself. We have found that if we make a goal to have a 'date' night one time a week it helps. This can be ANY time for just the two of you. If he gets home late, see if your mom will watch your little guy so you can just watch a movie on your couch or wait till he's in bed and make the late night sacrifice. Also, I have found that just taking time to myself helps a lot! My in laws live a half a mile from us so my mother in law will take my kids while I go to the grocery store or to the mall or just back to my house...alone! Anyway it helps me a lot. I know about the whiny and it WILL get to you. Or at least it does me too... and now I have two of them! :). CAll friends too. I do a lot of outdoor stuff, planting flowers, gardening, reading or just sitting out in the sun. Anyway, don't get me wrong, I am still struggling with this and it's kinda nice (in a good way) to know I'm not alone. It's hard, I know, but try to keep reminding yourself your kid is only little once. I try to take them to different parks or I just try to be creative with what I do with them every day...this helps my sanity too. Most important I think is to make time for YOU!

What your dealing with would depress me! You really didn't give us enough info to help you.

I fight depress so I know alot about it. you might talk to your Dr. to see what he ahs to say.

C. B

I think it gets crazy to have to label it depression but it never hurts to learn new ways to deal with depression and get yourself up and going. As long as your diet is healthy I am sure that you are right, it is mostly circumstantial.