I met a really good friend when my daughter was in kindergarten. She also had a daughter in the same grade. We did everything together . . . Girl Scout leaders, room moms, holidays, parties, shopping, lunch, dinners, etc. Our girls are completely different. Her daughter is really high strung, bossy and needs everything to go her way all the time. For the first few years, when the girls were still quite young, my daughter would just go with the flow and didn't mind the personality of my friend's daughter. Our kids are now in fifth grade and my daughter cannot stand her daughter anymore. She never wants to go anywhere with them, do anything with them, in fact, my daughter can hardly stand being in the same room with her anymore. I pretty much have forced my daughter to be friends with her daughter for the last two years because of how close my friend and I had become. We were actually a lot like sisters and I thoroughly enjoyed our friendship.
Five weeks ago we co-hosted a baby shower for a mutual friend. Our girls were also co-hosting the shower as it was a mother-daughter baby shower. The shower was in our home. From the start, my daughter and my friend's daughter were at each other. My friend's daughter pretty much took over the party and did everything she could to leave my daughter out. Anyone with girls nows the drama girls can cause and how hurt their feelings get. My daughter wound up in tears, as usual, telling me that this was so unfair because this was her house and why should she be the one crying and being left out. It really bothered me that my friend just sat there, as usual, and said nothing to her daughter. She just watched her daughter once again walk all over my daughter, boss her around and say nothing to her.
Long story longer, I have not spoken with my friend since this baby shower. We went from talking every single day, sometimes twice, three times, four times, whatever, to not speaking for five weeks. I can't get past the fact that she allows her daughter to treat other people the way she does. Her daughter has the meanest, ugliest looks I have ever seen from a little girl. I really miss my friendship I had built with my friend. We were like sisters and now nothing. What should I do, if anything? I can't allow her daugther to treat my daughter the way she does anymore . . . it's really out of control. I should be mad at my friend for never ever saying or doing anything to her daughter. I guess I am mad, but I still miss our friendship.
Don't make your child be friends with this other little girl if she doesn't want to...
Tell your friend you will just have to do things together without the kids, coffe, lunch, etc when the kids are in school....it will save you both and your kids alot of stress...who needs that chaos.....
You can be friends with the mom without your daughters being friends....It changes how and when you get to see her. Maybe you have a ladies night out instead of doing things when your girls are there.
Good luck on receiving great advice from other moms who are going through this.
I can only say that my daughter has started this as well but like yours is very very easy going and accepting of everyone so it hasn't impacted her greatly ... yet. I however haven't forced her to hang out with the other girls except on occasions where i can ensure that the activity they are doing (beach, ruby's, whatever) EVERYONE can enjoy. So the mom and kid still feel included in our lives but not in a forced way.
The main thing I have learned as a mom since DAY ONE, think of your child first. Sorry but since I'm an older SAHM I guess that's all I'm about. That is, I never took my kids shopping when they were tired or needed a nap. Therefore, I never once had the incidence of the screaming baby while I was trying on shoes. etc. You get my drift. Same goes in "forcing" friendships for your own sake.
Sorry it came to this. Wish we could have all helped out before the friendship (may have been) ruined. Hope you get some good tips.
If you want to be friends with this woman, be friends, but it doesn't mean your daughters need to be friends too. I was the daughter in this situation and I introduced my mom to one of her lifetime friends. At about 5th grade it was obvious that I didn't have much in common with the other daughter. I'm really glad that my mom has stayed friends with the other child's mom because that friendship has been very valuable to her over the years. If anything they have been able to discuss the differences between their children as we (the duaghters) went our separtate ways over the years. Good luck, good friends are valuable, and good friendships take a lot of work.
Since it has been five weeks and your friend hasn't called she must know the situation between you. It's not fair to your daughter to be forced to get along with someone so disagreeable. It’s also unlikely that she will make her daughter change at this point. Call her and tell her you miss her, say you’re sorry your daughters don’t get along and ask if you can get together just the two of you. You can have a relationship with her, but don’t include your daughters if she won’t do her part as a parent.
If she's the friend you think she is then you should be able to discuss this with her personally without fear of repercussion. Ultimately your daughter comes first and she should not suffer at the hand of another. It most likely makes her feel second best and unimportant. I agree with Dana. If you decide that you want to keep this relationship I wouldn't force your daughter to be a part of it.
Dear L.,
Have you ever tried to talk with the mother (your friend) about the girls relationship? You can certainly have her as a friend, but only see her when the girls do not have to interact with each other. Your daughter has to make her own friends and apparently this one has not learned what a friend is and is more of a boss and controller and very mean to your daughter. I would not make my daughter associate with such a child unless the mother said she had spoken to the girl and promised to confront and speak to her daughter the next time when it happens in your presence. Her girl will eventually be the one who has problems making friends.
Give your daughter a big hug and tell her that she can make her choice of friends.
H.
easy to solve, go talk to her about it, then ask if you could talk to her daughter about it, you should of long ago spoken up, I feel bad for your daughter, here your choosing your friend over her, you were wrong mom not to speak up right then and there and let her get away with it, I would of taken her aside and told her to clean up the bossy or she will sit in time out as long as she is at your house. Yea your friend did not speak up so what held your tongue, communication easy as pie.. you dont get do overs
Put your daughter first. It is not OK to force her to be around a mean girl and you can't change other people, but you can teach your daughter to surround herself with kind, considerate friends. Your ex-friend is clearly part of the problem. Find other ways to enjoy yourself -- like spending quality time w/ your own daughter before she refuses to hang out w/ you at all.
I think you should call your friend if you want to be friends with her. You have no idea how she is feeling. Maybe her daugheter is bossy and she doesn't mind that. Maybe they think your daughter is a crybaby cause she isn't getting her way. Maybe she is embarrsed of their actions. Everyone preceives things differently. I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart. The outcome can't get any worse. It can only get better or stay the same.
I wouldn't make your daughter do things with her daughter. Your daughter is at an age where she knows what kind of friends she wants. My daughter is very much like yours. Now, my son on the other hand is like the other daughter. As a parent it can be hard. Maybe she talks to her daughter at home about her attitude and doesn't want to make a scene while out with others. Clearly, her daugther is headstrong.
Also, someone said they'd would have given her a time out. WELL... its not her/your place to do that if the the parent is right there. If you have a problem then you should take it up with the parent. Now if the parent was there I could see maybe talking to her.
Just my thoughts... Good luck let me know what happens :) Keep and open mind and we as parents can get defensive when it comes to our babies. :)
Hi L., this is a very hard situation and I hope my advice helps. I think it would be best if you spoke to your friend about the situation between your girls. She may not be ignoring the problems they have but seeing it from a different point of view. If your as close as you say you are then you should be able to go to her with anything, I'm sure she'll understand. And besides your friends daughter may be acting like this because she is jealous of her or and since their girls it's usually the case. Well I hope this helps and your able to rebuild your friendship. :)
How many friends does your daughter have? Are you friends with all her friends parents? You can not expect your kids to like all your friends kids :) Just as you can not be expected to like all your kids friends or parents. Maybe you were meant to be friends with the mom and you met because of the kids but the kids were not meant to like each other. You can still have a relationship with your friend. If you are close enough she will understand that your kids just don't get along.
People have issues with the way they raise their children no matter what. That should not have any bearing on your friendship. The point is that you are allowed to have friends that are separate from your kids. When they get older they won't want to hang out with the grown ups anyway. Then you and she can commiserate on the empty nest thing :).
My daughter has two close friends but they don't get along with each other. All the parents get along just fine. I have just had to schedule activities separate. When my daughter asked me why they didn't get along I just explained that they are like oil and water. You can mix them but it's not a great idea :).
Good luck! I know it's hard :)
~V
L.,
I can see why you would would mad. However you have to ask yourself, why have you let your friends daughter, and in essence, your friend be so hurtful to your daughter for all these years? If your friendship truly is as strong as you feel it is then this is something that can be overocme with a very honest talk and/or some time. If your friend cannot see how harsh her daughter is to yours then your friendship will have to be only about you and her and not your kids. Remember to put your daughters feelings first as she will be there for you forever. Friends come and go, however "true friends" last a life time. SOme of my very best friends and I have had MAJOR blow outs however have always come full circle. Be honest with her. That is what true friendship is about. If she truly cares about your friendship then she will have an open mind & heart to what you have to say. If not, then she is just as rude and harsh as her daughter and is just now showing her true colors. I wish you all of the best as I know how hard it is to lose a dear friend over something that seems so easily fixed.
