I wanted to ask some smart mammas about a friend problem I am having. I have been friends with her for over 10 years probably the last 6 years we have grown real close. We did alot together, worked out, hung out. Are kids are the same age, my daughter adores her son. I would say the last 2 years we have grown distint. She moved an hour away, made friends with her new neighbors. It just seems like she really does not want to make time for me, and hang out like we used to. I know her new firends are not fond of me. I can just tell and a couple of comments she had made. I have brought this up to her before how I felt. Felt like we growing apart, blah, blah...she always reassues me that we are not, blah, blah...but lately anytime I try and get together she has other plans or can't. I'm getting to the point is not to try anymore. When I do see her especially with her other friends I feel like they are talking or laughing behind my back. They all have their inside jokes, etc.. I'm like the 4th wheel .I'm really upset by it all. Not sure if I should confront her and maybe ruin the whole friendship(I'm afraid I might go off!) or just let it be?
Anyone been in this situation? How did you work through it?
Thank you to all that have replied!! All answers were great, and I now have a better feeling on how to handle the situation. Thank you again!!
time to let her walk away. Forget the confrontation.....you will only look small.
time to find a new friend/friends.....& be happy!
Just don't bother.
Your so called friend, is 1 hour away. That changed her in more than 1 way.
Her friends are gossipy catty jealous trouble makers, drama-queens.
Your so called friend... goes along with it.
So... decide- is that a friend or not?
You shouldn't have to chase after her.
She is a grown woman.
She is displaying her values... and her attitude toward you.
why hang out with them, when all they do is make fun of you?
Your friendship, with your 1 hour away friend.... is already, past tense.
Seasons come and go. She was there for you in that certain time. I love my best friend from high school. We did every thing together. She was my matron of honor ect. I can call her and we can pick up where we left off. However we have moved on from haning out with each other.
I don't get to see her that often even though we are 30 minutes apart. It kind of hurt for a bit, but moved on and realized she still loved me, and I loved her. We just had to move on with different friends. I have became FB friends with one of her new friend, that helped that out of place feeling. She knows some of my new friends. We have lunch like once a year or so. We instant messener sometimes. Just dont do things together anymore. Hang tough it will work out.
Been there done that. Really don't think she is worth this. She is obviously not as good of friend to you as you are to her. If you feel like something is not right go with your instinct. She sounds like she will screw you over in a drop of a hat. Move on and find new friends. If she makes time for her new friends why doenst she make time for you. Move on girl your better than that
My friend moved away and made new friends. They are all going on vacation together, like we used to. It hurts, but you need to accept that your relationship has changed and make new friends locally.
I will say that I KNOW how hard it is. I have invested time in 5 moms this year. One is a real friend. One is someone good to talk to at parent pickup.
One I can't stand at all after getting to know her and her showing her true self. Two I am not going to get to know better because I don't get anything out of it and their kids have behavior problems they ignore. The one friend was worth the effort. Keep reaching out. Mothers everywhere are looking to make friends.
Your friend seems very immature, and if she is honestly behaving the way you suggest (laughing behind your back with her other friends) I hesitate to ask...how old is she? 12?
Honestly, even though you've been close, maybe it is time to grow apart and make new friends. She doesn't seem to be physically or emotionally available at this point in her life...something may be going on that you just aren't aware of. Also, with the distance that's been put between you (physically, again, and emotionally) maybe she just needs a break from a real friendship and needs something shallow. Sometimes, people who are dealing with guilt or doing something very wrong behave this way. A friend of mine...well, this sounds just like her.
What I did was just give up, wrote her and said "whenever, I'm here" and that was it. Didn't hear from her for over a year, and then all of a sudden when her world came crashing down, she came to me. Of course, I was there, but I just don't emotionally invest myself the way I used to because I don't like to be hurt. There are better friends.
I hope it all turns out okay, and that you can work it out with her or end it on good terms. The friendship doesn't have to be "ruined"...sometimes, it can just be put on the shelf to be reopened at a later date. :)
It is hard to stay as close as you were when you live an hour apart. Both people have to make an effort or you tend to drift apart. Maybe she is less invested in the friendship. Sad, but you may need to let it go and accept a less close friendship. It sounds like you have already tried to make plans with her one on one and she is too busy. I don't know if confronting her will resolve things. I would only do that with a really close friend who was usually honest with me and with herself. That situation did come up with my best friend (we have been best friends since we were 14) when I was living out of state going to school and with my husband when we were dating and living in different states. It is only worth having a conversation like that with someone you are very close to.
The question here is why don't her new friends like you?? The only reason I can think of is because your so-called BFF is badmouthing you to her new friends. How horrible! I am sorry to tell you this, but this girl is NOT your BFF and probably hasn't been for a while. Can you think of anything you might have done to piss her off and make her trash talk about you to her new friends? The fact that she lies to you and says she is busy when you try to get together would tell me everything I need to know, which is, she doesn't want to be friends with you anymore. The reality is that your friendship w/ this girl is already over, so I think you should confront her asking her why she is mad at you or doesn't like you anymore. Since your friendship appers to be over, you have nothing to lose by confronting her. Definately don't go off on her, b/c that won't solve anything and might cause her to hang up on you. Calmly, matter-of-factly call her (don't email her, call her) and ask her why she has been avoiding you and why she appears not to like you anymore. Then stop talking and wait for her answer. Pay attention to any sighs or pauses. I'm sure that will happen b/c you will probably catch her off guard. If she sighs or pauses before answering your question, it probably means that she is stuck and quickly thinking of a good lie to tell you. If she answers you right away and apologizes, perhaps she still likes you and wants to be friends with you. It would be easier to "read" her if you asked her in person, but since she lives an hour away and appears to be avoiding you, you have no choice to have this conversation with her over the phone. You can still get a good idea if she is sincere over the phone. Again, have really good listening ears and listen to the tone in her voice, for pauses, awkward silence, etc. and you will have your answer. However, based on your post, I can already tell you that for whatever reason, she is done with you and has moved on. Not all friendships last forever. People change and outgrow each other. Sorry!
What is so sad here is the same thing that we experience in a lot of walks of life. We care deeply about someone and they move into a different direction and we are feeling sore and hurt and angry. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. I am sure your barometer of her distancing herself is correct, not maybe the talking or laughing behind your back, but just the distance and it hurts. I have been in this situation and have done both things. Letting it be might help you feel better about yourself and yet it doesn't solve how hurt and angry you are. Confronting it has also ruined some of my situations, too. We do not know how others will react. You might try writing some notes first without sending them and in the meantime be available to other friendships. She sounds rather immature (sorry-but if she is not dealing with your hurt that probably can be seen) then I am sorry she is not worth it-but we hang on and sometimes it is good and sometimes too long. So once you find a new friend (and it may not be the same kind of a friend) you really will feel better and be surprised at your own feelings about all of this. You do not deserve to be treated this way. And sorry to say she really doesn't sound like much of a friend. Good luck and keep writing us!
I would say you need to try one more time asking her to do something. If she tells you she is busy or can't, say "Ok, just give me a call when you are free to do something", and see what happens from there. She needs to make the effort too. If she doesn't you are not in a friendship anymore. Listen to her actions, not her words. I think a lot of people don't like having those confrontational conversations about how were not as close as we used to be and are we drifting apart. It's easier to say "no, no we're still friends" but not mean it. Immature, to be sure, but reality none the less.
Honestly, she may be moving on with a new group in her new neighborhood and since they are there all the time she is probably making a real effort with them. I certainly hope she is not talking about you behind your back to "bond" with them because that would really show a lack of maturity and character. You wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that anyway.
Also, just don't get together with her with her other friends. If she invites you to be part of the group, then say you are not free that day, but you'd love to get together with her sometime. Don't talk bad about her new friends, because I think you will push her away even more. Just disregard them.
Put the ball in her court in a nice way, listen to her actions (not her words) and work on finding some new friends of your own in your area. Unfortunately, friendships drift apart, especially when we move so far away. Good luck.
Unfortunately it is hard to maintain friendships when one of you moves. It doesn't seem like an hour is far away but once you take into account jobs, household responsibilities, husbands & children, there just doesn't seem to be enough time left to get together very easily. Maybe just try to communicate via phone and email for awhile and offer to make plans to get together in a month or so. If she isn't able to do it even with planning far ahead she may either truly not have time or she is no longer interested. I know I'm not giving you much advice but I have had the same thing happen to me when friends have moved away so I'm curious to read the responses. Good Luck to you. I hope it works out.
Unfortunately, when someone moves even an hour away, it's very unlikely that you will see her as much as you did. (I moved across town and never see my former next door neighbors anymore unless I go out of my way...) I wouldn't confront her; probably won't improve the situation. Keep trying to get together, but unfortuantely it sounds like it's time for you to move on, make some new friends. Good luck!
