Friend Sharing My Sitter Issues

I think you are the one overstepping if you asked the sitter to come to you and to tell her other client that she 'needs to check with you first'.

That's highly unprofessional. She is a sitter. She has worked for you for a couple years, which is great, right? Why make her uncomfortable by putting the sitter in the middle of this? Your friend may very well have plans that far in advance. Maybe, just maybe, she and her husband decided they needed regular weekend 'date nights' and put it on the calendar? Why is this your business?

I think the other thing that raises my eyebrows is the attitude that you are entitled to 'first dibs' on another human being's services. I was a nanny and did childcare for years. *I* conducted my business, not my clients. I worked the days they scheduled me for and what I did with my other time was my business. If you want to keep the babysitter feeling comfortable about the situation, then I would suggest backing off and not putting her in the middle. Instead, the appropriate question is 'what's your availability for the week of xyz..." and go from there.

Sweet mother, you don't own her, she isn't yours. You are actually lucky she doesn't have other families she sits for. You speak as if you expect that she be on call for you and you alone and your friend or anyone else can have sloppy seconds.

Would you really consider messing up a friendship for a sitter that you will only have in your life a few more years?

She does not belong to you, she is a person and if she can have guaranteed bookings for two Saturdays a month why would she not take them? You should not have made her feel badly about taking the jobs, and you have zero right to ask her to tell you when someone else books her, the only way you need to know that is if you are asking her for that time and she says no because she has a prior booking (and even then just a "I can't do it" is all she owes you, she should never have to tell you what she is doing when she is not getting paid by you). You have no place saying anything to your friend either. Are you just jealous that they are planning date nights on a regular enough basis to book a sitter a few months out? I don't understand why you think when or how often she works for your friend is any of your business.

Yes, you're wrong, she's not overstepping. Once you share your sitter's contact info with someone, you risk that sitter not being available for you. I guess it's time to find an additional sitter, so you have someone else to call if this one isn't available. She's your babysitter, not your servant. There are lots of babysitters in the world.

If you don't want to lose either your friend or your sitter, I suggest you don't complain to either of them.

#1 you do NOT own your sitter nor are you entitled to have her run things by you before she books her schedule.

#2. DON'T share sitters. I never shared the name of my sitter and I paid her well enough that she wanted to book with me!! I had other sitters trying to get on my schedule!

#3. When I had a good sitter, I kept her booked for our weekly date nights and my "booking" was a contract as far as how I viewed it. She got paid for the dates I booked even if I cancelled.

A lot of people prebook, especially the upcoming holiday season. I always prebooked to ensure we had our weekly date night.

Maybe your friend was just thinking of the holiday season.

Bottom line, leave your sitter out of the middle of this. It's not worth losing a friend and a good sitter.

You shared the info, so one would assume you knew your friend wanted a sitter.

No, sitters don't have to check with Client 1 before they accept a booking from Client 2, unless Client 1 has an "every Wednesday" deal and the sitter wants to ask if there are any Wednesdays when she's not needed. And client 2 doesn't have to check with you (Client 1) first for anything!

Sitters make very little money, and they make nothing if you cancel. So she has to go where the work is. She's no different from a freelancer in any business - my husband is a freelance writer, I am a freelance educator and proofreader/editor, and we only get work when we're available. We don't turn someone down just in case someone else might want us.

If you want your sitter to make you a priority, you have to pay her way above the going rate so that she would rather sit for you than do just about anything. If you want a certain number of date nights, then book them. Yes, your friend booked her, but someone else could easily have booked her as well. If you don't use your sitter, she's sitting there making $0. Not fair to her. Your friend was kind of smart to book this sitter for months going forward. I suggest you do the same!

you sound as if you own the sitter. she is her own person and can book whomever she would like to. its the sitters choice to know she will have work for those nights. yes you shared her info to your friend and now share a sitter. but don't expect the sitter to give you first choice just because you knew her first. it is selfish of you to expect her to call you to see if you will need a sitter for someday in the future. unless your paying her to be "oncall" then theres no reason to be upset that someone else has booked her for future nights.

Here's my take on it.
1) Never share a good sitter. ;)
2) Your sitter is actually self employed. SHE is in control of HER schedule. So if she wants to allow herself to be booked 3 months in advance, then that's her call. She could have told your friend that she doesn't book that far in advance. Or that she needed to check her schedule and get back with her, or whatever. Maybe she is young and didn't have the confidence to put her off. I don't know. BUT, she isn't obligated to check with you first.
Unless you have her "booked" and plan to pay for her services for those dates (whether or not you end up using her for them, she still has to stay available if you have her booked), then she is free to do what she wants on her own time. And, unless you DO have her booked, it IS her own time.
Unless you specifically have a set routine that on Tues/Thurs from 3-9 she sits for your kids, and every 3rd Saturday from 5-11 pm, or whatever, then she is free to book even THOSE times with other customers.

Now, another question is whether or not it's rude of your friend to do this without talking to you about it. To that, I say yes. Pretty underhanded. But don't put this at the feet of the sitter. She's just trying to make some $ and unless she is officially booked, her time is her own.

No, your friend did not "overstep". Your sitter is not your nanny, which implies she has ONE employer and it's YOU. She is a baby sitter, which means she can sit for anyone she likes and whenever she likes.

It sounds like your friend was smart enough to snatch her up for future date nights. She doesn't have to have "set plans" to use a sitter. She can go to a movie, dinner, concert, whatever, because she has a sitter booked for the night. You said you wait until you have plans before you book her. That's assuming she is just sitting around waiting for your call. Well, now she has "clients" and is getting paid more because she's getting more hours.

So no, don't be mad at your friend. She is simply using a service you introduced her to. And no, your friend does NOT need to check with YOU before she books the sitter. You're just sore that "your" sitter isn't always going to be at your beck and call like she appeared to be before your friend started to use her.

Maybe find a backup sitter for last minute and start to plan ahead some so you know you are covered. Good luck.

You can't prohibit your sitter from booking dates with other families, unless you have a signed contract that specifically details your arrangement and specifically gives you first choice of dates. You say "my sitter can work for who she wants when we don't need her", but if you don't have such a contract, the sitter is under no obligation to hold dates for you, and she does, indeed, have the right to book any dates with other clients.

That said, if your friend really booked all of these dates knowing that you routinely use this babysitter on weekends, that was poor form.

I'd start looking for a new sitter, and in the future, you may need to have a more solidified and contractual arrangement, such that if you want the babysitter to hold dates, you may have to pay for that service.

You introduced your sitter to your friend, your friend booked your sitter, and now you're upset? Your friend didn't overstep at all. You set this up and you don't have rights to be the only person the sitter works for.

Your friend was not underhanded, not sneaky, nothing of the sort. She wanted a sitter to go out, found someone she liked (through your recommendation), and booked her. There is no problem here at all.

I suggest you find a backup sitter so you have more than one person that can help your family out when you need care for the kids.

i'd be annoyed too. seriously. i get it.
but the bottom line is, you don't get a say. if your friend wants to block off those nights AND your sitter allows it (if she's smart she'll have put a policy in place that having committed to keeping those nights free, she gets paid even in the event of cancellation- but that's not yours to dictate either) then that's a business decision between the two of them.
you were out of line to tell the sitter that you need to be consulted first. unless you are her sole employer and have a contract that states you get to dictate her hours and availability, she is a contractor and can make whatever deals she wants.
i really do get your pique. it sucks that you pretty much had carte blanche, but actually what you had was a super-sweet deal, and those rarely last forever. get a back-up sitter researched and checked out and on tap, and move on.
i might succumb to the temptation to make a tight-lipped comment if the subject came up, but yes you are wrong and no she's not overstepping when the rubber meets the road.
i get you.
but she's not yours.
khairete
S.

Get a backup to the original sitter. That way you will have a person to watch your kids. You don't have a contract or the sitter on retainer so she is obligated to you. There are larger things to worry about in the world than a babysitter.

Have a great week.

the other S.

If I were your sitter's lawyer I would advise her not to accept dates more than X number of days in advance without some kind of a booking fee. (I'm being serious.)

At this point, what would it take for you to override those dates? Maybe offer your sitter money upfront, to steal some of those dates away from your friend? (I'm kidding.)

Let it go. Don't be mad at your friend. Find a backup sitter. And maybe book YOURSELF some date nights in advance too, just for fun!!

ETA: For all we know, your friend actually might have paid her upfront. A done deal. As TF mentions, that is a fairly common method of "reserving" a sitter. As Diane mentions, another option would be to pay her at a higher than normal rate. You just need to somehow make it financially attractive to your sitter if you want her to be "yours first".

If you're great friends, should you give her the benefit of the doubt? She gave her up for Adele. Maybe she knows you don't plan ahead that much while she and her husband want to start regular date nights. So lock in a sitter and if you really need her, your friend plans on letting you have her. You want last minute access but that's not fair. And the fact you've had it was a blessing but things that good don't last forever. 12-16 hours a week is very part time. Do you have some dates way out you know you need her? Like a company party? If so, ask your friend now. Otherwise, stinks you lost this set up but your sitter needs money. If not your friend, might have been someone else who will never do you a favor for an Adele concert.

If you want her to be available for you whenever you want, then you need to pay her a retainer to keep herself available. Seems to me that since you already know which dates she is sitting for your friend, you can work around those. BTW. your sitter is an independent contractor, you are not her employer so you have no say as to what other jobs she takes.

A good friend of mine once offered to give me the name of her sitter. I didn't ask for it and in the end, didn't need her. However - my friend was raving about this teen and then quickly added "Of course, I get first dibs - especially for holidays and parent teacher night, etc.".

Right then and there, I knew I'd never call her sitter. I could tell there would be conditions, and that just would have been too complicated for me.

So - that's the thing. Essentially now you are saying there were conditions.

I get that booking her straight till December is a bit odd. But maybe that's how she does things. Probably (hindsight now unfortunately) would have been a good idea to talk about your needs before agreeing to it. Now that conversation is a bit awkward.

I don't think the sitter really owes you anything. You gave the friend her number. She probably thought you two had discussed this before involving her.

If you use her for after school care - is that a routine thing you've blocked off? See what I mean? Maybe your friend figured that's how it worked.

I think I'd take this as a lesson learned (the hard way) and find a back up sitter. Does sound like your friend is being accommodating (Adele tickets).

could you say "so i see you booked 'sally' thru the end of the year. are your dates set in stone just in case i really could use her"

I'd be slightly annoyed if a friend did that to me too and I totally understand why the sitter would book her. It's great for the sitter that she has confirmed hours.

If I were you I would start looking for a new babysitter. If your current sitter is a HS student she may have friends that are looking for jobs and you can interview them in advance. My daughter filled in for her friend this summer when my daughter's friend had her wisdom teeth out.

I think it is safe to assume your sitter will not be available for all the hours you may want her. I think she will understand why you now need a backup. (Also, you may end up liking a new sitter even more) Good luck!

I think that this is one of those things that sometimes happens, and while it's a little annoying, no one really did anything wrong. No, you cannot and should not say anything.

No, you should not book a sitter unless you are going to have plans. It would be incredibly rude to have her hold that date open for you, and then cancel. If your friend does this to the sitter, the sitter will learn quickly to say "I'm sorry, but I can't book that far ahead.".

On the other hand, your plans don't have to be all figured out just because you book a sitter.
DH and I go through phases where we try to get better about date nights. I have, in fact, booked a sitter on a specific day each month (eg, the 1st Tuesday) for 6 months. Did I know what DH and I were going to do on that day 6 months later? No. But I knew it was going to be our date night, and we were going to be doing something that required a sitter. It's actually a really good way to make your relationship a priority.

That was a tacky move on your friend's part. Lesson learned....you did a nice thing by sharing your sitter info, but you may want to rethink next time. I would ask your sitter for a name or two next time you are in a bind. But also keep in mind that sitters don't enjoy sharing clients either!

I have read your update and I think I see where you and your husband are coming from. You had a great babysitter all to yourselves, you pay her well when she works, and you appreciate having her for some extra evenings. But time has passed, she is a little older, you introduced her to a second job, and now she is trying to accommodate both. I think this all happened naturally, is her right as a worker, and I would suggest you do not express your disappointment with the babysitter or neighbor. All my best.

Sure, here's my babysitter's name but don't use her. She's mine.

What time your friend hires this person isn't really any of your business. Plus this babysitter isn't being very professional by even discussing her with you or you with her.

I do think you have zero rights to her time. You don't hire her every week or each day for anything. If you call her to work and she's already got plans and can't then she is busy. No matter who she's got plans with or to work for.

I think you're being way over sensitive over this.

Perhaps it's because your friend is being organized and planning ahead just in case.

I would expect her to pay regardless if she's reserved those hours yet doesn't have her work. She's reserved the time so she needs to cancel with plenty of time for the babysitter to get another job that night.

Well, first of all, I think it would have been nice if your sitter had checked with you first before agreeing to that. After all, she has been working for you all this time, and the point wasn't for her to replace you with your friend. And according to your post, you had asked her to do this, and she did not. (You say you don't blame your sitter, but maybe you should.) I know that my opinion here is not the concensus of this board. But if this happened to me, I would have actually asked my babysitter why she didn't come to you as you had asked. Have you done that? I have a feeling that your babysitter is young and doesn't realize that you can find someone else and then she'd lose your 12-16 hours per week.

Your friend is certainly being opportunistic and not very thoughtful. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Now you know with this friend, not to share with her if it could cost you personally, because she won't be thoughtful of you.

So, now what will you do, is the question? Will you find another sitter?

Another lesson you may want to take from this is that you may need to actually do what your friend has done with a new sitter - schedule out a few months even when you don't know you will need her. Is your original sitter's 12-16 hours a week during the day? If you keep her for this, at least you won't have to find someone to replace this.

Good luck.

I think finding someone whom you can trust with your child is HUGE! Your friend wasn't thinking about you, she was thinking about her child. Did she overstep...probably. But, she was doing this for her child and not to diss you.

I'm a planner. I have an event set in mid-January, so I don't find it odd to secure a sitter months in advance. I'm working on my birthday festivities for October and I already feel like I'm in a time crunch even though it is over a month away.

When I make plans I rarely change them. That usually only happens when the situation is out of my control. Sometimes last-minute opportunities need to be turned down. My policy is to not disaccommodate others to suit my wants. That's why I make advance plans for the things that are most important to me.

I do hope that if your friend doesn't have set plans then she still intends to pay the sitter for the held time whether or not she uses it.

Unfortunately you can't tell your sitter who she can sit for. It is annoying that you friend scheduled so far in advance but I don't think telling your friend she's wrong will get you anywhere. Like you she likes the sitter. Since you 2 are friends and if you need the day your friend needs see if you can trade off. Or do like my parents and aunts and uncles, gather the kids at 1 house and have the sitter come there. We used to have a lot of fun and she may as well. I wouldn't end a friendship over this and bringing this up to your friend just may do that. Good luck!!!