Friend's DD Very Aggressive

I agree with the responses so far, and you're right that this behavior is 'normal' for a 2-year-old. She just cannot understand anything but her own desired. Not anti-social or bullying, just limitations of a 2-year-old brain.

That said, here is my suggestion:
When visiting their house, your friend can have her daughter decide which toys she doesn't want to share, and put them away from everyone for the visit. The rest of the toys are shared (if it is necessary, the little girl can play in her room alone and you can bring toys for your kids that stay in the front/family room). When they come to your house, do the same thing - pick which toys are to share and have them out in the family area, and don't allow the little girl to go into bedrooms/toyrooms. Just close the door and if she tries to go back there tell her gently "that room's off-limits). Kids this age shouldn't play together without an adult nearby anyway, as they often need someone to intervene before trouble starts.

Keep up with consequences. If she hits or pushes, immediate time out (2 minutes only). If she takes a toy, take it away from her and put it in timeout. Do the same for your kids so that she sees its all equal (their time-outs can be for 1 minute on your lap).

You'll need her mom's cooperation, but it sounds like she's trying to do the right thing. And yes, you have the right to step in and separate them, at your house or hers. They're your kids and its your job to protect them :)

Hang in there. Kids don't generally play together until they are 3. Before that, the best you can hope for is paralell play (playing next to each other with similar toys but not a lot of interacting). In the years to come, your children will be able to play together and enjoy each other's company as you and your friend envisioned.

As a mother and former child counselor (now a stay at home Mom), I do not know that I would label this child with anti-social behavior at age 2. That said, I understand your concern for your children and for your child's friend. When specific toys are involved with non-sharing one thing I have done is to put the toy in time-out. I also have set a timer for a couple minutes for each child to have a turn. The goal is to teach the children sharing without making the issue punishment.

I would have a discussion with your friend saying something to the effect that you have been trying to think of a way to make playtime with the children happier and less of a struggle for them. Ask her if she would be willing to try a few things that you had thought of. Be aware that whenever you change the usual circumstances for children, that they will balk but if both Moms are consistent they will get used to it.

It also helps to have a more structured play at this age where the children can play happily side-by-side, but not have the issue of who get what toys (Example: playing with bubbles outside where everyone has some sort of bubble blower of their own).

I have had sharing issues of my own between friend's children and my children as well as between my own children. It can be quite challenging! Good luck, and I hope something of what I wrote helps!

K.,

I am so sorry you have to endure this. I dealt with this when my children were young and learned quickly that if I am stern and seen as mean, they still rebelled. This little girl may have something going on (feeling ignored or neglected--entertain yourself--or is going through some sort of major change--moving, pre-school, potty training, divorce, death--something she doesn't understand yet)? As tempting as it is to discipline, she needs love and understanding. Hostility will get more hostility. Remove her from the group at the first sign of behavior--Mom or another adult who is in charge--and gently talk to her, hold her, hug her and help her know that she doesn't need to do (?), and that you can help her if she is having a problem. She can come to Mom or whomever. Be loving and stay with her until she is ready to be social again--it should only take a minute or two. Ask her if she likes it when you share (?) with her. Does it make her feel good? She can make others feel good too if she shares, or asks, etc. She will need to be watched closely for awhile so that as behaviors are seen coming on she can be removed before it escalates into hurt feelings or something physical and she can learn to recognize there is a better to handle the situation. It takes a little work, but over time she will realize she has an adult to turn to and trust, and good behavior will be responded to. Hang in there--she is probably a sweet little girl who is struggling with something right now and this is her way of getting attention--negative attention is still attention, remember?

K.,

I think the best way to assist this little girl is to give her exactly what she "thinks" she wants. When she chooses not to want to share or play with the other children. Simply let her know that this isn't the way to play so therefore your children will not be playing with her. If you are her house,
your children get to leave. If she is at your house she gets to be invited to leave until she chooses to play.
If there is an opportunity to show her how fun it is to share toys, that would be fantastic. What you call agressive I would label anti-social behavior. How long does your friend wish for her daughter to continue on the path that she is on.
If you both could create a safe way for her to start to realize that group play is so much more fun than being alone it would be wonderful!

With my whole heart,
C. TLC (Transition Life Coach)