Friend's Son Is a Bully

Hi R., happy holdays! Tough situation, i can see how you feel. Ask Sue to meet for coffee or something, that you need to speak to her. Tell her you dont want to strain your friendship, but that your son is being treated badly by hers. Tell her exactly what he's been doing, what YOU have seen him do. Does your son want to play with him anymore? Ask him, he doesnt have to. Would you want to ? I wouldnt. Your childs welfare is 1st before your friendship. It's hard to watch your child in a situation like this. My daughter is passive also, she likes everyone, wants to be their friend. Shes finding out the hard way, being in 1st grade. She has let other children harm her physically, & passes it off! So i've had a busy school yr already! Calling the school/bus companies having things dealt with. Bullying is cruel,& if it continues my opinion is it will only get worse. What if her son hurts yours? If i were you, the next time you SEE her son treat yours badly, speak up. Tell the kid what he did wasnt very nice, was wrong, would he like it if someone did it to him. If "Sue" is a real friend she will deal with this maturely, she may be offended at first. Thats normal, no one thinks their child is a bully. Good luck & I hope your friendship doesnt suffer.

L. - mom of 2 girls, 3 & 7

Hi R.,

Maybe you should consider letting your son decide whether he wants to play with Sue's kid anymore. Or, there's no reason you can't be friends with Sue while your kids are otherwise occupied... you know, go for coffee or shopping or whatnot while they're at soccer or... whatever.

Another option might be to discipline Sue's son yourself. It might be a little late for this, but you can say, "when you're at our house you have to follow our rules, and our rules say you have to take turns and share and respect one another..." or whatever you need to address. I don't know if you would want to take that on, but it sounds like Sue's son needs a little tough love, and she's not providing it!

I wouldn't throw out the friendship, but it sounds like you could "tailor" it a little.

Good luck!

Jenn

Hi there,
The way I see it, you have a few options. 1. Get together only with Sue and discontunie the play dates for the boys. 2. Cut all ties with Sue and her son. 3. (what I would do, even though it's probably the hardest option) talk with Sue in a non-defensive way about her son's behavior. Say something about how you'd like your son to continue playing with her son, but they cannot do so unless her son learns how to play nicely.
Goodluck!

Socialize with her, without your son. Get him a babysitter. She might eventually get the point through experience better than through words. And if she doesn't, you still have the pleasure of her friendship!

as a social worker, who works with children,i say sue's son's behavior is unacceptable. sue is not oblivious to his behavior because she has been told about it by others. and i wonder about the family dynamics, at home. is he being bullied and this is a reaction. nonetheless, a child(your son) who is bullied may also become a bully. find another friend or keep your time with sue and son limited. but i would be straight with her and let her know why this is happening. you do not need this stress, with being pregnant. and tell your husband, "boys will be boys" is not okay. with all of the violence in the world, that term is antiquated. your standing up for your son will have far reaching results. bottom line, FIND A NEW FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!

R. - I think you're right to be concerned about this - and you have a great opportunity to teach your son about healthy friendships and how to negotiate relationships. But a lot of kids need to see these things modeled and need help finding the words. Your son seems to need more than pep talks, which are great, but maybe not enough. He may need you to help him negotiate. Like when your friend's son does stuff in front of you, I wonder if you could step in and set some more reasonable parameters. You could tell your son that you're going to do this ahead of time, and you could tell "Sue" this too. Not even get into a debate about whether her son is doing anything wrong, just say that your son needs some help figuring out how to best play with her son and you're going to help him. If she can't deal with this, with you being a good mom, then it seems like she isn't really a good friend after all. That's hard. Navigating the social scene as parents is challenging sometimes! We face situations we never faced when we weren't parents. Best of luck to you!

I am so glad to see this because I am dealing with the same situation. I know this was posted several years ago but I would love to find out what you did. I have a friend that I met about 7 years ago, and our kids have played together for years. We socialize often, and it is usually the whole family, as our husbands hit it off as well. Her son has been a pain in the butt for a long time, but I thought that my son delt with it well, until it got to the point that his friend was doing some outright bullying behavior, and I know that I will say something the next time it happens, but I am concerned about the ramifications. My friend also told me that she had another friend over and her son hit the friends kid. She said that the other kid was being annoying, and he son hit him and she just let them work it out. I am so mad at myself cause I didn't say anything like, you should have stepped in and punished him, or said that it was inappropriate, and I didn't. Augh. It is going to be interesting to see what happens. I am keeping the playdates short as they don't get bored with each other, and will address the next incident with the appropriate response, hopefully....:)

I'd either supervise every playdate or just slow them down or not do them all together.. unfortunately, friendships go in cycles like this - you meet people who you click with, but your kids don't, so it's hard to keep friendships if the kids don't get along. I'd keep her as a friend for you, but I'd pull back on the playdates for a while and see if things change.

R.,
I think you already know what you need to do. Your husband isn't very helpful on this; 'boys will be boys' is a copout. My daughter has been bullied by the same boy for the past 3 years. In the past, she had never stood up for herself like she has this year. All of these bullying events occur at school - my daughter is only in the 5th grade! As my daughter stood up for herself quite vigorously this year, she has been suspended from school numerous times. Her vocalizations were disrupting the rest of the class. The other parent had even threatened me with court action! The principal of the school stood up for my daughter, and the other parent finally transferred her son to another school (last week).

The bottom line here is that your son is being bullied - and he doesn't have to sit/stand there and take it. Sure, there's a line there on how much a person can defend themselves, but the best way to begin is for your son to not associate with the other boy. And if your friend is hurt or insulted by it, oh well. She needs to open her eyes to the truth and put a stop to her son's behaviors. Your job is to raise, educate, & protect your child. And if the latter means keeping your son away from a close friend's bullying son, then so be it.

I am a mom in a similar situation...except my son is a little older and taller than his friend, but his friend is bossy and controlling. In my situation, I have pulled back the play dates because my son was picking up the bossy and controlling behavior. His friend was telling him what to wear, what to play, how to play...and if my son would not comply, the friend would say...you're not my friend anymore. I have a very sensitive son who was very hurt by this. My son then tried some of the bossy and controlling behaviour on his younger sister....i cut in right away to tell him that telling his friends how to play was not a good thing to do, that he should ask his friends what they would like to play....i have since gone on to tell my son that he, himself, had the right to choose what he could wear, what he liked and what he could play with (within mommy's safety range). I also told him that mom, dad, nana, and papa had talked about this friend and had decided that he was not a good friend to have...it is hard, especially at this age, where they are just learning what it is to have "best friends" and not be able to see them. as parents, you want them to have their friends, but unfortunately, if these friends are (through bad actions) teaching your child how to be a "friend," then it might be time to let your child start play dates with other school mates so he could see a better way to be friends...

unfortunately, for you, you are really good friends with the mom...could you possibly minimize the time the children spend together, but still get together and go out for "girls day out" with your friend?

i hope this helps you in some way...maybe not in how to help you out of your situation, but to let you know that you are an astute mom who is correct in believing that this situation is a very big concern...another option may be..if he is in school...to make an appointment and talk to his teacher at school and tell them of the situation at home and ask if he shows any of these behavoirs at school...if not, good for your son...he recognizes the difference in acceptable behavoir...AND you could ask the teacher how she would address the situation in the classroom and how to could positively apply her strategy at home or even during a challenging playdate.

If my son did not want to continue his friendship w/ the boy,I would tell her exactly that and why. If she does not want to see the problem or do anything about it, then don't make your son play w/ him. You could keep your friendship if you wanted to, but don't subject your poor son to him. But be sure that your son is doing nothing to provoke the situation first. Good Luck!

I don't think she is as much of a friend if she is oblivious to your feelings...no matter who is right. And I think eventually, if her son keeps bullying yours with without it being addressed, you'll lose your cool and then a potential blow up may happen as well as a loss of a friend.
If you are in a circle of friends, I would try to get other parents together for a luncheon in a public place and discuss this with her. Don't gang up on her but air your feelings. Be prepared for her to be defensive (wouldn't you if it was your son?!). Give her time to air feelings about if other kids (including yours),that could be doing something to trigger his behavior.
How is his home life? Does Mom or Dad bully him? Sometimes that's a learned behavior they display when playing with passive children.
I do not have children your age. This comes from experience from the one who always got bullied. And I always let them. Whenever I stood up to them, it stopped. When I was in high school, I finally realized if I don't stand up to them, I was going to get beat up. If I stood up to them, I MAY get beat up. I don't encourage fighting, it's just an example of standing up for yourself.
Good luck!