Friend's Toddler Has Serious Delays, She Doesn't Seem to Know...?

I would like to ask a few questions about the kids, however in the meantime I do have one questions, did she vaccinate her child? Every mother has concerns about their own children. From what you have here, there are some concerns; nutrition, brain, and development, all of which are more than one issue. As you state, English is their second language. Diet can also be a factor. I would suggest to begin asking direct questions. You will know the right questions, as you have the education to know which ones. Good Luck!

I wouldn't say anything. I get so tired of other mothers, friends, and family telling me the my son has a speech delay, then I go to the doctors and they tell me everything is fine and that kids develop at different paces. It upsets me to know that some of my friends and family are looking at my son and judging him so much, they never talk about anything else he is doing, just what he should be doing. If there really is something wrong she probably knows there is and just doesn't want to talk about it.

You say that you haven't seen this mom and her son in about six months???

How do you know that she hasn't sought out Physical Therapy/Speech Therapy/Early Intervention for her son??

Did you ask her? Did she share this info??

How do you know that the pediatrician hasn't spoken to her about her son's delays and medical issues??

Why do you think that she is clueless to her child's delays??

Lot's of children have delays and other obstacles to overcome.

Although she takes her child to a pediatrician don't all of us on this site seek out the opinions of other mom's having to due with parenting issues and medical issues? I mean, that's what most of these posts are about for goodness sake.

She has the right to come to a playgroup and not have other mom's judge her child and her as a mom.

I'm sure that you are not outright trying to judge. You do seem genuinely concerned, but are you close enough to her that she would share whatever medical diagnoses her child has received?

And if her child is delayed what can be accomplished by speaking to other mom's at the group about it and commenting on what size clothing he wears? How does that help this mom feel accepted by other mom's?

My son didn't walk until he was 22 months. He was wearing 12-18 month clothing at the age of two. We saved lots of money not having to buy new clothes. 8) I know that there were lots of mom's looking at me like I was doing something wrong because he wasn't as big as other kids his age and wasn't hitting the same physical milestones as other kids as well.

Don't think for a moment that I wasn't aware that my child was different from his peers. Don't think for a moment that I wasn't worried. I sought out early intervention as soon as I could. I made appointments with specialists. Did I share this info with the mom's whom I knew were always looking at me with an uncomfortable look on their face? No, I did not. But there were some mom's I felt I could trust and seemed genuinely concerned for my son's well being and for me as well.

Even with Early Intervention in place it doesn't necessarily mean that any delays a child has will magically be fixed.

Specialists are great at diagnosing, but can not necessarly fix a physical problem with a child.

This child may be on medication. Maybe the mom is simply not sharing this info.

It sounds like this mom is seeking out support from other mom's she can trust. Making comments to other mom's, PhD's or not, doesn't seem empathetic or productive in any way.

If you choose to be a friend to this woman then be her friend. Talk to her gently about your concerns, but don't undermine and offend her by thinking that you know more about her son's limitations than she does.

I am really sorry if this came off as harsh, but I had to deal with lots of mom's making comments and gossiping to other mom's about my son's weight, height, physical abilities.... for the first three years of his life. I was, and still am, shocked that they had the audacity to think that I was not worried or aware that my son was physically not where their children were.

My son may not have walked until he was almost two, but he was speaking in full sentences when he was 15 months and has met many other milestones. He is now a running, jumping, reading, silly, smart, and wonderul 3 1/2 year old boy.

Having a child who has physical limitations and medical issues is incredibly stressful and can sometimes be very lonely due to the fact that other people feel they know more about your children than you do.

Peace.

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There could be a lot going on with this situation that you are not aware of. I can understand wanting to intervene in this case, we mommies always want to help out. If he is seeing doctors then odds are he is being treated. It may be slow going if he is on crummy health insurance (or has none, like so many kids in the US) All his symptoms sound connected (and like something autoimmune) save for the febrile seizure. If you are not close with this woman I would hold off on giving her too much advice. The fact that she is out at a playgroup is a great sign that she is attentive to her child and is trying to give him opportunities.

Also, some kids are just teeny and slow to grow. My perfectly healthy 8 year old weighed only 16lbs when she turned one. She is now 40lbs and in a size 6 clothing. It's great you want to help, but in this case I think less is more.

Since they have tested his hearing, they may be doing other testing as well and she's just not talking about it . . . or doesn't know how to bring the subject up without getting too emotional about it.

Since you don't know this woman too well and don't really see her on a regular basis, I think that, if it were me, the next time we got together, I may look for a way to mention that you know of a mother who was able to get services through your state's early intervention department for her son's developmental delays and that he seems to be doing really well. It's a white lie but one that will benefit this woman either by letting her know that this service is available or offering her an opportunity to finally share her experience with you.

Hope this helps.

Did you ever stop to think that this woman IS aware of the issues and IS getting proper help?

Both my kids didn't walk until right after they turned 2. When they started walking so late, they also walked awkward. I had SO many people trying to diagnose my kids. Telling me I need to take them to a specialist, etc. I would cry over this...eventually took them to a specialist who told me they'll catch up. They DID. One also didn't start talking until age 3---so with other people's dianosis, we went to a speech pathologist who said to give it time.

It's a tough call because perhaps this mom HAS thought these things about her son? I don't know if it's your place to tell her your thoughts. I would think that as long as she's taking him to his pediatrician at regular check-ups, the Dr. has advised her in how to handle things.

You may have to be a little bit blunt. You could start by saying you don't know her that well and you don't want to be pushy but you want to make sure she knows about Early Intervention Services (how they work, that they provide free services and that the evaluation needs to be done before age 3 and a local contact number). She may say she knows and you can just say you though she might have been referred by her doctor but you wanted to make sure (especially if she did not grow up in the USA). I would maybe use the hearing issue as a reason to bring it up since they do work with speech delays as well as many other things.

BTW, it is stressful to worry about your child not meeting their milestones on time. My first was an early walker (10 months) but my second was much later. Several people (professionals) said call EI if she is not walking at 17.5 months (the guideline to get services is 18 months). I was counting the days and then she finally got it and was walking between 17 and 18 months. But is was only after months of me stressing and trying everything to get her to walk (she walked only with a push toy for a long while).

The biggest clue here is English is her second language. You don't say where she immigrated from. What you are seeing as delays and or medical problems may be 'normal' for children in her home country. If she comes from a country with limited medical resources and food many of the children, in her country, may have the same delays or medical issues. So she may see them as normal. If she doesn't know the questions she should ask, she can't get the answers.
Invite her and you friend with the PhD. over for a playdate. When the the kids are off playing talk to her and explain your concerns to her. Tell her you would like to go to the next ped appointment with her and talk to her son's doctor on her behalf. Help her to get answers and the help she needs for her son. Tell her you only want to help her and her son. She may need to learn the basics of nutrition and what is a normal growth pattern for children. She may not know that a mother's nutrition during pregnancy is vital to her child's health and growth.

Since you are not really friends with this woman, I really don't think it is your place to tell her that you think her kid has issues. No matter your concern, how would you feel if the situation was reversed?

It seems like this woman trusts you and values your opinion. Since she is asking for your advice, I would give it.

My son was diagnosed with autism when he was four. He was our first, and we didn't really know that things could be different for us. People had suspicions, but they kept them to themselves for fear of offending us.

I am offended that they did not value my son enough to speak up for him.

If possible, sit down with your friend and have a chart of "normal" timeline behaviors. Ask her if her son is able to (insert skill here). Ask if there is anything that she finds he is especially good at. (Be prepared for a long listen on this one!) Ask if she's talked with a doctor about his weaknesses and strengths, that there are some great things to help him in his areas of weakness and encourage him in his areas of strength. And be ready with the names of a few doctors. You may also want to volunteer to go with her, as it seems that she might be scared. (I know I was when I lived in a foreign country... not the day-to-day stuff, but going to the doctor was a whole different thing!)

I think you're a good friend for wanting to help. Thank you very much for caring for her in this way.

It seems from your description that she likes you and looks to you for advice even if she doesn't know enough to ask the bigger questions. I knew something seemed different about my son, but he was my only child so I had no good comparison. People often gave me unhelpful advice about how to discipline him or keep him from biting. BUT finally his preschool teacher gave me useful advice when he was 3...go for his Early Childhood eval immediately and to ask to complete their new (at the time) social-emotional evaluation. At the end of that they told me to get a referral from his ped to seek a eval by a developmental pediatrician or an occupational therapist. Thank goodness for that teacher!

So my opinion is that she has probably gotten plenty of people giving her well meaning but off base advice but that is not what you are offering. You are in a position to help her navigate the very confusing system of getting the proper referrals, understanding the terminology of what she should ask for, helping her find resources to educate herself, etc. I encourage you to call her up and ask her to go out for lunch without children. Then open up the conversation...do a lot of listening, then ask if she would like help with her concerns. Explain your background if she doesn't already know and let her know what ways to can help or offer advice.

If he is having health problems and seizures, I am sure that he has received medical attention for it. As far as the speech, my son didn't talk till he was almost 3 years old. He is now 6 and still has some problems. We did do speech therapy, but I am not so sure that is what helped him. I think it just took him longer than other kids. Personally, I don't think it is your place to intefere unless you see that is is physically being neglected, but sounds like she is a good parent and most likely takes him to Drs. appts.

Maybe you could recommend your child's dr to her tell her to get a second opinion. Then maybe you could call your dr and tell them you referee this woman and explain why? The only thing im thinking is the language barrier is maybe an issue. Like does she understand the dr and can he understand her?

signifigant hearing loss qualifies himfor eci callthe school and have themset up a meeting with her. but let her know you are doing it.

You need to present her with the facts and places to go to help her situation ... never point out a problem with out a solution. I had no clue my son had issues (he is my first and only) until the day care pointed it out ... sadly they did it wrong and I was bitter party of one not ready to get my son help.

I am a pediatric physical therapist. I just want to say that I mainly just read your question and what happened and I want you to know that it takes a special person/friend to be able to be honest with her. Her son is going to benefit from your care:)

Okay this is to JL as well, I used to work in a pediatrician's office, and let me tell you the parents that didn't have English as their first language when they had a special needs child (which I can proudly say that I do have) didn't want to come to grasps with what they had and what to do about it. Yes Minnesota does have some WONDERFUL programs, many of which my son is in. This just may be a mom who is trying to watch a budget and doesn't know that there is help beyond the "regular" help. So until you have walked a mile in a special need's mom's shoes don't be talking like you know what it is all about. There is many different phases, trust me I have lived them and they started when I was only 19, even after 11.5 years I still have issues with some of them. It is not something that one day the doctor tells you that your child has such and such and the next day everything is just fine, because you want to know what IT ISN'T YOUR LIFE CHANGES!! I should know I can say I have been there done that.

Jessica, you have done everything that a mom can do, you have tried to get her help, you have given her resources to get more help. Another thing that you can mention is that the child if he is disabled might qualify for SSI, my son does.

Good Luck! Hopefully she will be in class next week!

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If you feel you've known her enough, and it seems like she feels comfortable enough with you about discussing general parenting questions (despite English not being her first language), I would say something like: forgive me if this is too personal a comment, and I am not a doctor, but have some knowledge in child development, since I studied it in college, and I was surprised to notice how, compared to when I last saw you two a few months ago, insert child's name- doesn't seem to have grown much or gained any words or made a lot of progress in other areas of development for his age. Has his pediatrician mentioned this to you and has he been evaluated for delays? If she says her pediatrician hasn't mentioned any problems, or even worse, has brushed off her concerns, tell her that she on her own can go to the closest regional center to have her child be evaluated in all areas of development for free, and that she do it soon, since once they turn 3, the school districts are the ones in charge of those assessments and treatments...and that the clock is ticking and every day he could be receiving services that might help him to catch up, or be diagnosed with something and treated...then again, if they tested his hearing already (which is one of the first steps in investigating speech delay), and they know he has hearing loss, he must have been referred somewhere and should be getting special services...so it might be she already knows and is either getting some services or is in complete denial, but you won't know until you have the discussion. Good luck!
Good luck!

I thought the same thing. There are obviously issues with this child, but I'm sure their pediatrician/doctor is handling it and she may not want to share about it, because it's hard to deal with a disabled child when we all hope so much to have a perfect child. She probably is asking you about other issues to have some sense of normalcy.

If she wanted to talk to you about the other things going on with her son, she would. She's not blind, and neither is the child's doctor. They know what's going on.