Friends Being to Much in My Business

J., unfortunately I have been burned by over-opinionated friends as well. The problems I have vented out to my friends are different than yours but they still act the same, not giving me so much advice but more like "telling" me what I should do. Unfortunately, the only thing I learned from all that is that I can't share all my informatiom with my friends. Pouring out your soul and looking for that shoulder to cry on only makes you vulnerable and immediately opens the door to their opinions... and STAYS open! LOL! What I started doing is sharing only the good news with them and they have backed off tremendously! I found that when I'm upset about something and need to vent, hanging out with a friend and letting her vent out instead seemed to make me feel better! Make sense? It's like they say, other people's problems seem worse than ours at times... Anyway, hope this helped a bit... good luck!

Hi J. -
It appears that your friends are trying to express emotions that they may see you too timid to express yourself. Do you believe they are being malicious? If not, then prior to sharing any personal business, you can set the ground rules. Tell them you just need someone to vent to and are not looking for feedback. Tell them it upsets you when they "bash" your husband. Then... tell your husband. You said you work too and therefore, you contribute to the household income. As an employee of the family business, pay yourself a salary (at least minimum wage for the hours you contribute) and this becomes your spending money. If your husband objects, have him do the same thing. If you don't reward yourself for your contribution, you will begin to resent the work you are doing. When this happens, failure will follow. If you wish for your business to prosper, stop feeding it with the thought of failure (or lack of money). Maybe you could outline the monthly/annual bills - including your salaries - and begin setting up a budget to pay or contribute so the stress of meeting the bills will not be as great.

I hope these ideas help.

M. M. Ernsberger
Mind-Body Therapist

Dear J.,
I read your request and I can relate to it. What I've learned is,be sure you know who you are sharing your feelings with and second just don't take for granted they will be private or non judgemental with it. Talking to your spouse and possibly try to set up some kind of schedule for you to be able to spend and save this adventure for just that. your husband and you have quite an responsibility going on with conducting a business and running a home.There just could be some envy on their behalf or just being noncompassionate.In the end you and your husband's commitment to the family and business will payoff in the end.F.

Hi,
I think everyone could relate. A lot of times we just want to talk something out...we're not looking for a change or advice. I don't know why people have so much trouble understanding that...maybe they think it's quicker and easier to just try pass out advice than to really listen. I think, unless your husband is harming you and your children, that a true friend would try to help you be happier in the marriage that you're commited to for a lifetime rather than try to point things out and make you miserable or try to pull you out of the marriage you're in. Marriage is a sacred institution and not something that comes and goes with our moods. If you catch yourself sharing with them again (which I can totally understand), I would end with "I really am not looking to change anything, it just feels better to know someone understands my frustration".

It's generally true that when you complain about a boyfriend/S.O./spouse to someone in your life (mother/sibling/friend), your mother/sibling/friend only remembers the negative never the positive (also because we have a tendency to complain to others about the people close to us rather than celebrate the positive). My advice is to limit the negative comments about your husband to your friends and accentuate the positive. Also I wonder if your friends are older than you. If so, they may think that they know better than you and want to share their advice to you because of their age/experience/etc. Good luck.

I think you should let your friends know that you appreciate their support and opinions, but that they need to let you handle your marriage on your own. That said, if you vent your frustration all the time to your friends, of course they'll have a negative opinion of your hubby. Make sure that you mention the good things he does - as a father, as a worker, as a husband - as well as the irritating things, and they'll come to realize that he's really not a bad guy.

I, too, have had this situation, but with my family. Whenever I was dating someone, I would run to my family first thing if something happened and confide in them. Then, they would convince me to break up with them and most of the time I would. They were so convincing and I was so young, that it always seemed like the right choice.

Well, when I met my husband, I made a pact to myself that I would NEVER say anything negative about my husband. Boy, did this drive them CRAZY! I would love to say that this tactic has worked 100%, but it always hasn't. I guess it didn't matter if I said anything negative or not because since I didn't, they naturally assumed that my husband was controlling. What is so funny, is that I pretty much rule the roost and make a lot of the decisions. I am the money spender and I sometime wish my husband was more controlling in that area. To make a long story short, we DO NOT need negativism in our lives. If that is all you and your friends do is talk about the negative, I definitely would try to turn things around and only talk positive or say, "Everything is great!" even if it isn't. Friendships go both ways and if they come to you with a problem, help them to see the positive in the situation. They still will always have their own opinions of your husband, but you won't be making it worse.

It sounds like you need new friends!! Seriously though - they sound very immature. Do they have kids and husbands? Sometimes it is really easy for someone to judge when they are not in your situation. I would probably just start talking to them less about your relationship w/ you husband & try to talk about other things with them. It is nice to have friends to vent with but sometimes it just doesn't work out. Like you said, they don't know all the details (frankly, I would keep it that way). Good luck!

Often times, we reap what we sow. I don't write this as a criticism, rather as an opportunity for change. You might find it in yourself to LISTEN to what you've said. Think back to a time when your friends began to think the worst of your husband. What was said to them to think badly of your spouse? Can you rectify that? Can you share some positive experiences you've had with your husband?

Our friends are there to love and support us, and based on what you've shared, they seem to be doing just that - loving and supporting you.

Just my thoughts. peace ~d

J.,
My sister is the same way with my husband and bashes him and my kids. I found she is the controlling one and that she could not let me have a relationship with anyone but her. I have not had contact with her since the summer. Not by my choice but she is emotional poison to me as well as my family.
You need to back off from these friends who are trying to tare your family and marriage apart. Defend your husband and realize you both have your strengths and weaknesses. I have been married for 27 years and you need to find friends that share your life without criticizing. Couple friends are great at this time but are hard to find.
My husband doesn't like just anyone and it is hard to find people to be with.
Remember he is your man and you are the one that is living with him. You love him for his good and his bad. You are committed to him and don't let others come between the two of you.
Good Luck,
C. B.

Hi J..

As someone who has seen some tough times with my family and the need to vent I can relate (and i'm sure many can). I even had to stop talking to mom about things because she always got on the defensive about my situation. It is VERY important to have support and vent. If I did not do this I would have one crazy! But, it's important to know who you can vent to that will express non-judgment. I agree with some posts here that it may be that the people you have vented to have only heard negative aspects of your relationship and therefore feel like you need help and courage to change it so, by putting him down they think they are doing you a service.

I think you can approach a few ways. 1. stop telling them things that frustrate you and focus on the positive (this could be a good exercise for your own well-being as well) 2. If you need to vent do so to someone that will not judge the situation. If a friend from work does not fit the bill for this find someone who does. 3. Let your friends know sincerely with a card or some other small gesture how much you appreciate that they lend a ear to hear your frustrations but, that you truly love your husband and although times can be tough you will always work through it to be together and that is is hurtful to you and your relationship when they put your husband down.

I hope you will find someone to rely on for venting that will not judge the situation. I know in my life some issues have disappeared and my venting has too. I wish the same for you.

Hey J.
I'm R., nice to meet you. I can understand where you are coming from. I have a mother in law who will bash her own son to me all the time. When I'm mad at him or we are just plain not agreeing I know in the past I've joined in. But over the years I've come to realise it is a momentary feel good type situation. It doesn't heal the breech formed with my Hubby. Now saying that I guess I'm lucky...I had a friend (she's moved away States now and we can't talk as much) we would get together in our bad moods and just bash our husbands to death... but the rule was and is then we have to turn around and pick out the nicies too and we have to keep tabs. What this did for me is... I got the anger out that I was feeling... Also it made me think of good things too and I had to come up with as many good as I did bad... What a hassle yes? Well eventually you get to where it is such a hassle that you don't feel like doing either and just have a friends night out no mentioning the other half. Now I've said all this to show there are some friends out there that this will work with. I had a good one in Crystal. If you feel the need to vent look for your friends and find 1 or 2 who this will work with... and make sure they know the rules then you wont end up with "the office in your business" and will still have a support system, and better friends in the long run. It takes a very mature friend to have this type of relationship to work from. If you need some one to talk to your more then welcome to vent, bash, coo, groan and laugh about your life with me. (____@____.com)

You're right -- you did invite your friends into your personal business with your husband. Sometimes it's difficult to resist the temptation to seek others to "be on your side" when there is conflict. However, as you mature, (get old like me -- 46!) you'll see this often complicates matters. It's time to tell your friends that you made a mistake by complaining about your husband, and that discussions pertaining to him are completely off limits. Be firm, accept positive energy into your marriage, and don't complain about him. Counseling can also be helpful in working out issues in a relationship. I wish you the best!

I am not married, but I do have a brother and sister-in-law that are wonderful mentors for when I do get married. What they have taught me is that it is extremely important to 'protect' your marriage. In other words, you shouldn't talk to others about your issues within your marriage unless it is a neutral person that you both can speak to...together. These concerns with your husband should be spoken about with your husband. Another great resource is a book called 'Boundaries in Marriage'. This book really sets the tone for what a marriage should look like in regards to 'protecting' it from the outside world. That is not to say that you should shut everyone out...but just set your boundaries on what you are and are not willing to share with others. Also, another thought that crosses my mind is that I was once that person that you speak of with a friend of mine in her marriage. I hate to admit that...but I was. Well, all I could think about was that she really never told me anything positive about her husband...so what else was I to think. Unfortunately, in this world, we tend to focus on the negative alot...make it a point to say positive things about the good man that your husband is...and honestly at the end of the day, all that matters is how you feel about him....you two are in this together...not you and your friends. I hope that helps.

I would say that if these people will bash your husband knowing that it upsets you, they are not really your friends.

I have the privilege of having 2 or 3 close friends. The thing I have noticed the most is that if someone is a true friend, he/she will ask questions about how you feel about it and ask if you want their opinion. If they offer an opinion unsolicited, it's because they know you well enough to say what they think should be said. But they are always aware of you and your love for your husband enough to support you, to listen when needed, to encourage you, and to honor your feelings about your husband.

If I were you, I'd start looking for some new friends who will love you for who you are.

I too have a cheap husband that grew up pretty poor. Sometimes my family will tease him or me and he is a pretty good sport because he knows he is cheap. As long as he is not trying to get you away from your friends and not abusive in anyway, I think the best way to handle it is only talk about the good things your husband does in front of your friends. If he makes dinner or washes the dishes or helps put the kids to bed, then make a big deal of it to him and tell your friends what a good father/husband he is. It sometimes sucks having a cheap husband but you are right, we're in it together and we know that they are trying to provide for thier family in the best way they know how. And they are doing it because they love us.

J.,
When i read your posting, i swear it could have been me talking! only slightly reversed. I'm a married working mother of three, ages 3years, 1year, and 3months old. My job is in life enrichment at the nursing home here. Now, I'm sure your husband is as wonderful as mine, even though we get frustrated with some of the things they do or don't do. My problem was that most of the other girls were going through rough times with their spouses, several of them eventually getting a divorce. And they'd ask me about kevin, hubby, and i'd tell them outright, He's wonderful!. He helps with the kids, the household chores, the grocery shopping, and does all the cooking and everything in the kitchen, including dishes. And in return i do all of the above, not the cooking or kitchen stuff, but i do all the laundry, balance the checkbook, take care of our bills etc. The other girls were completly astounded that he helped me with our things! And as a result began to make snide remarks, that must be nice, wonder what that's like, your spoiled, things to that effect. And they eventually began to resent me. Now you can imagine the kind of environment that created. A few days of jeolousy and envy and whispers behind my back. So, when we were all on break again and they'd ask about kevin, i say only "he's fine" and change the subject. And i found other girls, about my age, 26, with good relationships with their spouses. And i found that when i was frustrated with my huuby, they had good advice to help me through, or they'd have a similiar issue and we found a way to vent to eachother and help eachother find a resolution. So, when your friends start in say something like, I know I complain about my husband, but i really do love him and we're happy, then change the subject. and maybe find someone who'd be more supportive when you do need to vent, sometimes all we need is sounding board, sometimes we want advice, but it should be our choice which we want. I'd be happy to listen(or read) to your concerns. ____@____.com
let me know how things turn out,
A.

Hi J.- I know how you feel. My venting always went to my mom. BIG mistake I made because then she started to think he was a monster, I am not a mom or married but I have been with this guy for 3 almost 4 years. I stopped venting to my mom and tell her about all the nice things instead. She and him get along much better. I have friends that are in awful relationships and they come to me to vent. I put it back on to them that if they really didn't like the situation and they find themselves nagging more than enjoying it they needed to get out of the relationship. For your friends the next time they start going on about your husband, you should politely ask them to refrain from making any negative remarks, because you realized that you went to them for all the small things that really weren't that bad at all. Next time your husband does something good for you, start a conversation at lunch about what he did. Defend him to your friends so that they realize they aren't helping make you feel better. Friends have a tendency to take your side... sometimes they don't know when to stop, unless they know for a fact that person is no good. Just tell your friends that you made a mistake of nagging about small things and if you do need to vent in your venting speak out loud your husband's reasons and see if you can understand where he is coming from. Let it be known where he was coming from so that your friends understand to, make sure there is positive in your words so that they get it also. Good Luck!

I like to spend time talking with my husband about goals. When we do, we seem to agree on where money should and should not be spent. I set aside time at least every two weeks for this. I have also found that friends just go off what you tell them, so I try to only talk positive about my husband around my friends so they think positive about him. If I have an issue with him, I go straight to him instead of anyone else.
N.-Married mother of four young children (ages 2-7)

I had a friend that was in love with her boyfriend, but her mother disliked him. Now, the reason she (the mother) disliked him was because when ever she (my friend, which I will call Nancy)got into a fight with him she would run to her mom and seek comfort (which is what we do), but Nancy would fail to run to her mom whenever she was happy and please with him. So, it comes as no surprise why her mother dislikes him. Go to your friends in time of joy and share the good things about your husband, more then the negative. I would stop the negative talk all together. They (your friends) only speak of what they know, or assume they know, based on what you tell them. If you start, little by little the tide will change. And when you meet new friends, start sharing only positive stories. Well, who do I run to in time of trouble, you ask? Well, for one I am going to tell you God, because I am a women of faith. If you are not there (with God), my suggestion is to choose your audience wisely! Have a couple of friends (or one) that you know you can trust and will comfort you and not criticize you or your husband.

Dear J.,
There is a two-edge sword with venting. You can't unload all your frustrations and negativity on your friends - and then expect them to only respond positively. If you want a vent buddy - they will always be there, but they believe what you say too. They will assume the role of protector with you from then on - because they think you are being mistreated.

You have two choices, as I see it. Don't vent - and you will have the positive friends you wanted. Vent - and enjoy the release AND the protective attitudes that go with it.

It is not your friends fault that you told them something negative about your husband. You chose to do that. They are just being good friends and worrying about you.

You might want to have some friends of both kinds. That way when you want to vent you can. When you want support you can go to the friends you don't vent with.

Hope that helps. Friends are the "flowers in the garden of life". Don't miss out on them because you don't like their memory of what you have said in the past, being revisited.

S L

J.,

It sounds like your "friends" are engaging in the worse kind of meddling. You sound like you are quite mature for your age and are just in need of someone to vent your feelings with that will not judge but rather guide you to a positive solution. Your friends at work are obviously not doing that for you. A true friend is supposed to, but most of us have too much of our own baggage to just be there for another.

I suggest you talk honestly to your husband about your frustration and see where that leads you. If that doesn't work, perhaps your insurance at work provides some counseling or maybe some positive counseling is available through a non-denominational church in your area. I suggest non-denominational like Unity or Religious Science because there doctrine supports non-judgment.

As far as your friends at work, I suggest firmly letting them know that you are not going to discuss your family life with them any longer and do not want them to offer you unsolicited advise. If they continue, you must end your friendship with them. Negative, blaming advise is really the worst kind of poison.

I hope this helps.

L.

I say with friends like that, who needs enemies? Friends should definatly NOT be bashing your husband. It's really none of their business what goes on in YOUR relationship! I know it's hard to meet decent people who do not judge, but maybe you should seek them out. I am not saying to dump your old friends, but if I had friends like that, I don't think I would want to continue with that "friendship".

Hi J.,

The most precious gift a mother
can give their children is
respect and adoration for their
father.
This is true too of the father
respecting and adoring his
childrens mother.

Focus on your family and
speak only good thoughts.

Namaste
C.

somewhere a line was crossed so that you venting has been seen as a cry for help. Seems to me that the only way to counter this now is to only share the positive. Letting them know that you don't appreciate them disrespecting your husband may help if they are really your friends, but that means that you will also have to stop complaining about anything to them. What tends to happen is that we 'vent' about the bad stuff so that's what people know. However, since they are not there when the argument is over, they don't get the full story.

It's good to have an ear to fill when you need to, but limit those ears to 1 or 2 people - people that may know you and your husband well enough to know that you're just irritated and not begging for help.

Hi J.,
Venting does feel better, but the lesson to learn is that it paints a really bad picture, which is the only picture they have of him. I would try very hard to hold back on a negitive comment & for a while let whatever comes out of your mouth be positive of your husband. You can erase or at least minimize the negitive picture you have created. If you just have to get it out of your system, try writing it down on paper, vent away & then crumple it up & throw it away. It really does work quite well.

If you speak positive about your husband that's how they will perceive him. Friends and family will always want to protect you based on what you tell them. If they don't know him and all they know is what you have told them, that's the only basis they have to react. Make sure you're careful what you share with others concerning your personal life. It's important to be able to reach out to others in times of real need. If you vent to them about your husband and they care about you, the normal reaction is to protect you. Just make sure you speak positive things about him.

One of the best relationship savers I learned was with my sister. We are very close, but used to get mad at each other because we both thought the other was judging too much.

So what we agreed to do before responding to what one of us had said was to ask: "What do you need from me? To listen? To support you? To give advice? How can I best help?"

Then we gave each other exactly what we asked for. Saved our relationship as it's done for many of my other relationships and friendships.

Good luck!

WOW...sounds like you are in the throes of the push and pull...give too much info, have to pull back, don't want to pull back because they are your friends. Want the quick and dirty? You cannot control what other people are going to say and do, you can, however, control you. You bashed your husband to them, well, you set the tone. Though it was unspoken, you made it ok for them to do it too. Perhaps, you should chalk this up to life experience and next time, keep your personal life(or the tender details of it) to yourself until you are sure you can
A. trust the person,
b. give an honest account of what is really happening versus your emotional reaction to what is happening.

Perhpas you would be better served with an individual therapist who can help you sort through your interpersonal struggles, both the ones with your husband and with your peers. It also sounds like you deal with some attachement/abandonment issues....a therapist could also help you with that. Until then, try to live by the mantra "do no harm, to yourself or others"..that means is all ways, verbal, physical,emotional.

good luck...taking responsibility for our actions/selves is hard work..now we know what our kids struggle with on a daily basis!

It is natural to want to vent about our husbands. Our frineds are supposed to be a support system, not something that drags us down further. When your "friends" start in, tell them that you have worked through that with your husband and appreciate that they care, but it is over. If they bring it up at work, simply tell them that this is not the place for it. You can let your friends know the good things about your husband. So he watches every penny. He is a good provider that wants to protect you and your family for the future. You enjoy your husband and love being able to work with him. The more you see your husband in a good way, the message you give your friends will be too.

This won't work with everyone. Some people just have to put others down to make them feel better about who they are. I had a "friend" that did this all the time. She would find the littlest things, even if it was something that didn't bug me, and beat on it. I finally just had to end it. We had been friends for so long and it wasn't easy. I just couldn't be "friends" with someone that would dig on the man I love so much.

Look for friends that are more supportive. All you need is one or two close friends. If they see you support your husband they will too.

Talk to your husband about setting up a budget that would allow you some "freedom money". Help him to understand that you love the family, business, and your job... but that you just need time away to breathe. Once he sees that you come back refreshed he will be happier to give you more time. It took some time for my husband to see this but he is happy to do it now. Even if it is just a couple of hours a week to have lunch with friends.

Good luck!

J., As long as you know the truth about your relationship try to ignore their bashing. If it keeps up ask them to stop and that you only wanted to let off steam and look for support. I'm sure your friends' marriages aren't perfect. It's been my experience that true friends don't happen over night but they are worth the wait. Friends don't bash the other peoplre in your life. They listen to you if you say back off and they are most certainly there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on. Hang in there your friends will come around. M. C. I'm a stay at home mother in my 30's with 2 little boys. Ages 2 and 7 months

Now, this is only my opinion, but...I feel that these 'friends' are probably not friends at all. I have had friends that were there for me through rough spots in my marriage and visa versa, they would let me vent and then when it was over they were there for me. They never bashed my husband and I never bashed theirs, simply because like others have said, we didn't know the whole story in the others lives and we wanted to help each other through things and not make them worse. A friend is someone who is supposed to be there for you when you need advice, to vent or a shoulder to lean on. They are supposed to support you in your decisions and not judge you, unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case with these girls. I would find new friends and be cautious of who you tell what too.

M.

I was also married young, at 20. I had my first child that year and my second 13 months later. I also made the mistake of letting my friends know about differences between my husband and me early in our relationship, and learned to never do it again! Your friends think that they are being loyal to you, and "taking your side." They don't know that this really upsets you. They are probably also worried, as mine were, that because you married and had children while you were young, that you will miss out on too much. They are afraid that you somehow won't reach your potential, instead of seeing that a successful family can help you achieve more. Realize that they love you, but you'll have to risk hurting their feelings, temporarily, by being very blunt and saying, "I don't want to have this conversation ever again. It upsets me. How would you feel if you knew that my husband and his friends talk badly about me when I'm not around? We're a team. We're not perfect, but we're in this together." Then make sure you don't share any arguments or disagreements again. Your friends and family will be MUCH slower to forgive and forget than you will.

Ok, here's some advice. I've been down this road before.

1. Don't talk to your friends anymore about your husband - especially the ones that bash him afterward. It is very hard, but you'll need to find a friend that you can just vent to, and they'll be mature enough to understand that you're just venting. True friends don't bash your husband.
2. If you can't find a friend mature enough, then try writing your frustrations down in a journal. Once you write it down, close the book. Don't go back and read that portion until much later.
3. When your friends start bashing, ignore them, and don't get mad. If they persist, tell them you're not to going to bash your own husband. And tell them good things about your husband.
4. Make sure you don't participate in bashing their husbands either.

You have to realize misery loves company. Sometimes other women are even more miserable than you are, and they don't want to see you have a positive attitude. They may also be jealous of you. It may be time to make some new friends. I realize you may work with some of these friends, but you'll have to stop telling them so much about yourself. Slowly start withdrawing yourself a little. If you withdraw yourself too sudden, they WILL get mad, and work will become an unbearable place to be.

Yes, I've been down this road before. I've come to discover true friends DO want you to be happy, will let you vent without any consequences, and they make you feel good about who you are. Mature friends know that things aren't always 100% fantastic, but they also know you take the good along with the bad.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

You know I had this problem a lot. However I am now divorced and my friends/family were right, hee hee. But I remember being so cautious on to what information I gave everyone so not to add fuel to the fire or make my husband look badly as I knew we would work it out. Sometimes we all need to vent. Do you have at least one friend that just can be supportive and listen? I have one friend that never said a bad thing about my jerk of a husband until we divorced, then she told me she never liked him, hee hee. She always was there to listen and just let me vent without judgement. I would just say to all your friends "sorry I just need to vent, all marriages have issues and I want to save my marriage and I love my husband, so sometimes I just need you to listen without passing judgement as all issues take two people". If that doesn't help then you may have to cut the cords on friends that continue to esculate the issues and keep on you. Be selective and careful what you give out information wise. If they ask, just say things are good and you just aren't up for discussing it right now. There is no friend law that says you have to give them all your business especially if they take the negative information and make it harder on you. I would say in most marriages nobody agrees all the time, and that is healthy. Good luck and yeah for you loving your husband enough to stand up. Maybe start sharing the good stuff about him more often too!

J., I went through the same that you are going through. When I realized that, I started turning the coin. When my friend brought something up like that, I explained why. In our case it wasn't only about what my husban did or didn't do, but she also went on and on about how her husband would never do that and he was the best. This until he slapped her and she cried to me for help. Your friends don't know all the circumstances and it is natural for us to only tell them what annoys us. But to shut her mouth, I started telling my friend about the wonderful details my husband had with me. He let me spend such amount on something I liked, he watched the kids so I could take a nice, long bath, and other stuff that made me proud of him. So, just as you tell them what's up when you are annoyed with him, make it a point to share the great experiences, and prove that he is really the great guy.
Good luck.

HI J.,
I can understand. But I had to look to me to see what the issue was. We cannot share everything expecting our friends to just sit back and let us stay in a situation if all we do is complain about it. I believe at some point a true friend would say wow, all I hear is negativity, you dont seem happy, what are you doing with him. I consider myself a great friend and always there to lend and ear, but I would admit if a true friend just kept complaining and sharing that husband is not doing this, or that- I too believe I would have a conversation with her.
From your story, it sounds like the only way your friends know how to support you is to agree with you and say back to you things they have heard you say about your husband.
I agree it is up to you to lay the groud rules- I need to vent, please dont feel you need to fix it. But sometimes the outside world does see things we dont see because they are not in it. I think your friends see you saying one thing but acting another way when it comes to your husband.
Take time to nurture you and really look at what things you would like to change in your relationship- only you can do it and lead- you may need to pull in a professional, but from experience with this situation with our family dynamics it will only get worse if it is not addresses.
Best Wishes,
D.

Start speaking about your husbands good qualities to your friends so they see the positive side as well. You have opened the door for them to see him negatively, so you need to take responsibility for that. Change your actions and don't isolate yourself from people because of it...every mother needs a support system!

J.,
I have had that same problem...i moved here from tn 15 years ago. i have had some good friends, so i thought, but it seems that after we hadour first child, she is 3 now, we kinda lost a bunch, due to the fact that they were a little older and didn't have kids. we were down to a couple that we hang around regularly, and they have no small children...well, for whatever reason, they got on the kick that my daughter was autistic...and would not let it go...it has pretty much destroyed our friendship. I am not an idiot and have had my daughter to the docter...he and 2 other medical professionals say she is fine. Very stubborn and independant, but otherwise fine, maybe a bit of a late bloomer because we do not have family here or (well) any friends with small children. so she is noyt exposed to others that much, i have her gym class, and she loves it, but otherwise, she just plays with the neighbors kids sometimes...i am with you. i have often thought i would just rather be to myself than to put up with people that think they know everything! first off, i have NEVER seen anyone else try to fit in my shoes...and further more, i don't judge other peoples realtionships. many people told me that me and my husband would never work, well we have been together for 14 years, and some of those people that told us it wouldn't work are already seperated. well, i guess thats their problem. But i can sympathize with you, i don't know if you have any family here...if you want to talk, let me know...i know what you are going through.

Hi J.,
It's really hard to vent to some people, as they will turn your troubles into ammunition to attack those you love. Sometimes friends don't realize that "just listening" is all we need for comfort. Listening without judgment and without prejudice against those we love is hard for some people. You are not wrong for intrusting them with your feelings, but they are wrong with what they are doing with the information given to them. They are abusing that information you gave them by attacking your husband. Your husband sounds like a good man and he is stingy for a very good reason. He is successful because of the way he is with money. Good for him. That is a smart way to be. Friends make mistakes and they do need corrected in times like these. Since you have tried to correct your friends in the way they are handling the information you confided in them, then may be it's time to change who you confide in, and vent to.
I could always use a new friend. :-) I don't have many, and the ones that are close to me are out of state. Now that my little one who is three is in preschool, I have met other mom's but haven't really made any connection yet. I'm hoping. I would like for my son to have friends outside the schoolyard to play with and do things with. :-)
I hope everything works out for you. Take care, and if you have room for a new friend, please feel free to email me.
G.

Tell your friends exactly what you just wrote. Honesty is the best policy when it comes to any type of relationship. If they are unable to understand your point of view and continue to make you feel the way you are feeling, they can't be true friends.

Grow some balls. You obviously have vented more than once to these women and now they have this perception. You need to make it clear to them that you are happy/satisfied etc. with your husband and that it was a mistake to speak ill of him with them. It is also unprofessional to bring things up while at work and shouldn't be tolerated. Work is work and home life is home life.
It's amazing to me that women so often do this and then wonder why others make conclusions. People don't always know the whole story. Your home life is your business and no one else's and should be kept private. If you get so frustrated with your husband-go work out or vent in a different manner-better yet, talk to your husband more and maybe come to a reasonable medium (why not one day say- honey, you've busted your tail off to get to where you are today-lets splurge and go do this-(whatever it may be).-even if its just going to eat an icecream (cute and funny-it may surprise him). It obviously isn't helping to speak to others about him except to make things worse. How would you feel if your husband was out talking to his friends or whomever about you. What impression would they have of you. Of course people judge. Worse yet, what kind of friends are you letting into your life who aren't willing to listen and help you sort things out to solve issues. Some people just thrive on others issues in order to make their own lives seem better. Or they just like drama. You shouldn't be made to feel that you're more of a burden to these friends. That's just sad that you feel this way especially with your busy schedule-two kiddlits, work, husband, and every day life. It doesn't help to not have someone to just say- hey hear me out for just a second. I've have a bad day and just talking to you might help me to sort things out or just let it out. Hope things get better for you.

I too have been in your situation with my friends. They kept telling me that my husband was worthless and I could do much better, even though he is the best guy in the world. We had some issues we were dealing with a couple months ago and all I wanted was my lifeling friends to just listen to me vent, but instead they kept trying to get me to leave my husband so I could go out and party with them on the weekends. (I have 2 kids so that wouldn't of happened even if I did want to leave him). Once I felt like I was trapped into chosing between friends I have known and been close to for 15+ years and my husband who has always been there for me since the day we got together 9 years ago. Once I took a step back and examined the situation from an outside point of view, I quickly realized that my friendship with them was very one sided. I would drop everything and run to their aide and help them out of jams the second they would call, but I never got the same respect back. They would help if it was convienent to their schedule. I am sorry but thats not a friendship. Someone that doesn't offer their support to you unconditionally or is negative about anything in your life, is not a real friend. I have since cut my so-called friends out of my life and things are much better. I sometimes miss the "girl" time we shared and the fact of actually having a best friend, but I know they were not worth it and there will be other friends. Hope my situation helped you. If you want anymore just let me know. =)

Something I learned the hard way - there are two people in a marriage. You and your husband. The second you try to bring someone else into it you will have adverse effects. Friends are wonderful to gripe to about children, work and money but when it comes to your husband just keep it to yourself or gripe to your husband about him and his flaws! That's what I learned to do the hard way. It is more productive in the long run to just address the issues that you have with your hubby head on and with him and only him. Trying to get outside advice will just be BAAAAD every time. This was something my mother taught me long ago, she has been married to my father for nearly 30 years. I wish I could have just listened to her but like I said earlier, it was a lesson I had to learn the hard way. Best of luck to you!