Friends Having an Affair

The unspoken request is not forgiveness. All that is asked of you is to be civil in their presence. Perhaps through doing that you can eventually forgive.

She betrayed her marriage, first and foremost.

Personally, I am only friends with people who have character that is trustworthy. No, I wouldn't be friends with a cheater. However, I would have no problem being civil with one, if in a social situation. Or, if I was friends with their spouse.

You can forgive without forgetting and you don't have to act super chummy with her. What about him though? Do you feel the same about his role and intend to treat him in the same manner? What if the wife forgives her and they move past it and stay buddy-buddy?
I've had similar things happen with friends and family and I just stayed out of it. I treated them the same as I did before as much as I could.

Hi Kimmy-

IMO...if 'they' (the wronged spouses are willing to forgive...and work on their respective marriages)...you need to support that in any way you can...

Even if that means distancing yourself.

That way...in time...no matter HOW things resolve...you can 're kindle' relationships...

Best Luck!
michele/cat

Well, you say "My feeling is that I will never ever speak to that woman again," what about him?

I think it is none of your business in this one. If all the other adults can move on it will do NO ONE any good for you to hold on to it.

The betrayal is not your's to forgive. Staying friends with all concerned is up to you. Just be there to "listen" to your friend.

So you're going to speak to your friend's husband, but not the woman? Hmmm, why do you blame the woman more than the man?

It doesn't matter if you forgive him or her or not. Decide if you can be around them and if so, do it. If not, don't. You don't have to "forgive" them to be around them. And they very well may care less how you feel.

If the couples are trying to work on their marriages and have not asked you to give up your friendship with the woman who cheated and, for that matter, your BFF's husband for cheating, then I wouldn't get involved. I know you want to show your loyalty, but I would first ask your BFF how she'd like you to proceed.

The ones who need to forgive are the ones who were cheated on. If they can forgive and attempt to move on, then I think that you'll have to follow their cues.

EDIT: I do want to add that I'm sure this affects how you think about these two people that cheated and how trustworthy they are. I've witnessed these situations up close and personal. I've lost friendships over it, and distanced myself from the cheaters even though I wasn't the one cheated on. Not out of loyalty to the one was cheated on, necessarily, but because I just couldn't reconcile the situation. In other instances, where all were able to heal, I took the lead of those who were cheated on and even though it was always in the back of my mind I didn't cut off all contact or friendship. It really depended on the situation.

EDITED AGAIN: Since your BFF has requested that you not remain friends with the woman who cheated with her husband then it's a no brainer... definitely abide her request. I would be cautiously supportive, then, of BFF's reconciliation with her husband.

As for the husband who was cheated on... it might not sound fair to him but if he's staying with his wife you may have to consider him a loss too since you're cutting the cheating wife loose.

Are you planning to forgive her husband? I mean after all HE is the one who violated his vows to your friend, this other woman made no promise to your friend, only her husband did. Now, yes, the "other woman" did a very bad thing, but the person she betrayed is her husband, not your friend. I think you are putting too much of the blame on the woman and not enough on the man, the man who is the one who actually hurt your friend.
That said, if you want to keep the other friendships then you will need to find a way to be civil with the spouses who did wrong, both of them.

on a side note, I would not be able to stay close friends with anyone who felt that they could not forgive my husband for cheating one me, after all I was the one wronged, so if I can forgive then they should be able to as well.

That's a tough situation...but I must say that you are the 3rd party. You are not directly involved and therefore need to continue to be cordial/civil. You don't know the intimate details (maybe you know some) and ultimately it's none of your business.
What you need to do is continue to support your friends who are trying to salvage their marriage. If it's worth it to them to forgive their cheating spouse then you, as a friend, need to understand that. If you continue to harbor resentment your friend may pick up on that and may never be able to mend her relationship. You don't have to condone what happened nor do you need to punish the cheater by treating them bad ~ it is not your place to judge. I wouldn't necessarily say you need to be "friends" with the cheaters, but you do need to be kind and civil as you would toward anybody.

If she can forgive her spouse and try to move on, so can you. Tough to do, since you've loved your friend for most of your life. That being said, I wouldn't leave my kids alone with the husband--especially if you have a daughter.

As for the "other woman," I don't see a reason to stay friends with her. No need for an official breaking-up, but I'd just stay away from her. If she goes after your friend's husband, she's bad news.

Has your friend ASKED you to stop speaking to the other woman? Given that it wasn't you who was betrayed by either of the cheaters, I think the most important thing is to do what makes your friend comfortable. Since SHE is forgiving her husband and trying to work it out, your ill will is only going to cause her stress. Let the friend who was cheated on call the shots on this one and support her fully in whatever choice she makes.

I don't think you have to forgive them, I don't think you have to do anything. They are working on their marriages amongst themselves and it doesn't really involve you. I think I'd just keep moving forward as you always have and leave their relationships to them to work out.

I think if you are giving the cold shoulder to the cheating husband, you are making it more difficult for your best friend to be your friend. Being treated badly (or even just ignored) by you will make him want to stay away, putting your friend in a position to have to choose. I don't think you want that at all. Just invite your best friend out once in a while without the guys and have some girl time and let her talk about it, if she wants to.

As for the cheating wife, it's the same. Let your husband continue to be friends with her husband and don't get involved. You don't have to be friends with her, but, for your husband's sake, you don't need to treat her badly either.

Basically, let them work on their marriage and don't interfere or feel like it's about you. You and your husband should be friends with who you want to continue to be friends with, without making it hard on everyone by hating on folks. I'm sure both couples are having a hard enough time as it is without a 3rd party who is not directly involved in the situation making matters worse.

I agree you should follow your friends lead.
It's never "bad" to be cordial, respectful, polite, but things will never be "the same" after this and for any of you to think it will be happy triple dates into the sunset ever again--you're wrong.
BUT when you know better, you do better, right?
Respect them for trying to salvage their marriages. Don't muddy the water. And support your friend. These friendships are all going to change. They can't not change after that type of betrayal. (double negative intended!)

That is a hard one indeed. I totally get what you are saying about the betrayal that this woman did to your friend, and you are certainly not required to trust her or even spend time with her. But you know you can't really remain friends with just the husband or just the wife, if you dont accept their spouse as well. I think you either have to chose to write the couple off, or accept the wrong-doers. I would try to distance myself from this situation as much as possible (with the exception of providing friendship/support to your betrayed bestie). Its never good to get too involved in these situations... after all, even though they are close friends, what happened does not actually involve you directly. If they do reconcile they need to be able to move on from this and having divided friendships will make that impossible. If you are too vocal or cause too much tension with the situation, after they reconcile they would likely end up cutting you off because now they are so uncomfortable to be around you because they know that you know, and they know that you dont "like" their spouse - even if it is totally justified. Good luck mama, that sux that your friendships have been disturbed in this way, and best of luck to your best friend who was horribly betrayed by both her husband and a good friend.

tough question -- but I think the way you need to be is to respect the wishes of the innocent spouses -- if they are trying to make their marriages work, then you need to follow their lead and accept their wish to proceed (with caution) as normal. You can explicitly discuss this with the guilty spouses if you're close enough to them to do so and explain that your continued friendship with them is only to support their spouses' desire to reconcile. It is not your place to forgive or hold grudges. That being said, I'd watch your own back with them, though!

"she is almost like a sister"-run with that-you are under no obligation to forgive-but you should-it's much easier than holding a grudge.

if both of the spouses are your friends I would think you should be friendly still. do you want ot make their already endagered marriages even harder?

Betraying a close friend by sleeping with her husband? UNFORGIVABLE. Period, end of sentence. The husband who is a victim and had the cheating wife, I would not want to ostracize him. He's trying to make it work, because that's his family, and that's his thing to deal with. I'd encourage my husband to do "guy stuff" with him so that he doesn't lose a friend, especially at a time when he really needs a friend, but I wouldn't have that woman in my home or around my friend. Same thing, in reverse, for the friend who's husband cheated on her: she would be welcome in my home (obviously) but the man, he'd need to handle his business and get some things straight before I'd be ok with him hurting my friend.
I have a few very close friends: one from 1986, two from 1989, and a couple "recent" ones from 1995. If someone betrayed them or hurt them, there would seriously, seriously be hell to pay. I wouldn't forgive it. My brother is friendly enough with his wife's bff, who was his 9th grade girlfriend. She broke his heart and didn't handle things well. He's mature enough to know that they were just kids and people grow up. But he was my BABY brother, and she broke his heart: he cried, and that was a wonderful boost to her ego. I keep her at arm's length and actually try not to be around, because you can't hurt my loved ones and be ok with me.

It's amazing how things will calm down in a few year's time. Don't get involved. Pick your friends carefully, but don't involve yourself in something that is not any of your business. In 5 years, this will have blown over and hopefully everyone will have moved on from it. How you behave now will dictate what kind of friendships you will have in the future.

Oh, wait, I was confused for a minute...

So, this affair is all done. Everyone is back with their respective spouses, and the cheated-on spouses already know that this affair occured -- right?

Assuming all that is true, I think that it would very difficult for you to really be true friends with both couples. One woman betrayed another, and the other, that was cheated-on, is like a sis to you, you say.

I think that it is time to cut off a friend. I would think you would want to cut off the more recent friend, but that is up to you. Otherwise, if you try to preserve both friendships, in essence you would have to swallow up your feelings over the recent friend to maintain the friendship, and that would sort of feel like lying, don't you think?

I mean, when this woman cheated on your childhood friend, she also selfishly stabbed you in the back too -- I mean, she forced you to stand in between both herself and your other friend while she was carrying on this affair. Did she place you in positions in which you felt you almost had to lie or cover up for her? I would imagine possibly yes -- if, mayber, there was a time in which you knew about the affair and your childhood friend did not.

How could you be loyal to both friends when one so horribly betrayed another?? Too much drama. I say, kudos to you for considering both women, but it's time to let the former cheater-friend go.

As much as I DESPISE cheating, I believe that we all have done things that we are not proud of and it is up to that person to answer for their actions with their spouse and God. I try really hard not to judge people based on their mistakes (sometimes that is really tough!!!). I know a person who cheated for over eight years but he really is a good person and a good father who made a horrible mistake. He has spent his whole life trying to make up for it too. Thankfully his family has given him the opportunity to forgive him.

Before you talk about character, keep in mind that you do not have all the details. As much as you might think you know, you really don't know. Period.

People tend to use the word JUDGMENT interchangeably with CRITICISM. To judge is not just to criticize or point out the bad points. To judge is to presume to have enough unbiased information to determine if something is good or bad or anything else. It is not up to you to determine if somebody's marriage is good or strong or viable even. You do not and cannot know the circumstances under which this affair took place, and you should release yourself from the pressure of having to have any opinion about it at all. Frankly, it's not even up to you to wish that it hadn't happened. What if this affair has served as a wake-up call that they would not have otherwise received? The fact that each couple is working on staying married suggests that it was not a deal-breaker. Why should it be a deal-breaker for your friendships? Nobody cheated on you. You are outside of this whole thing, and you should stay out of it.

A mature friendship will not dictate to you that you should withdraw your friendship from another who did not commit an offense against you. That is your "best friend's" hurt and immaturity showing. I understand that you want to support her in this way, but don't try to turn that into some honorable justification.

ETA: To answer your question, it is not your place to forgive them for cheating on their own spouses. That is mighty presumptuous of you to think that it is. It makes me question YOUR character.

hmmm... I had friends that had an affair. They were in long-term relationships, but not married. Everyone involved was a good friend of mine. HONESTLY, I treated it as none of my business. Sure, i thought about it from time to time, but I was still friends with all who was involved and still am. There were SOME friendships lost due to that affair, but it did not change how my husband and I feel AS FRIENDS to the people involved.

That is a different situation, though- they weren't married and did not have kids that are friends with my kids... but I don't think that would change my thoughts about those people still, personally.

OUCH!!!!!!
This is so hard because your friend has decided to stay with her husband, who also cheated. So do you not forgive him either? I TOTALLY understand that you wouldn't want to forgive this woman. She betrayed your friend, and her husband. But so did your friends spouse.......

Talk about complicated!!! I guess I agree with the idea of following your friends lead. However, I wouldn't trust this other woman again. Sadly I'd have a pretty hard time trusting the husband too. Once you betray a marriage, I don't know how you can make ammends for that. Its disquisting. I HAD a friend who cheated on her first husband. She said he was abusive. While I didn't agree w/ cheating I also do NOT tolerate hitting a woman. She cheated however w/ a good friend of mine. I warned him to be careful. They ended up having a baby together, got married awhile later. The next thing you she was cheating on him. And she tried using me as her cover story. I wouldn't have it. I told my friend point blank she was lying and not with me. She left my friend, married this other guy.....by this point I was done with her. Period. Someone like that you can't trust. And by husband three I was married to my first husband and frankly thought her way of life could compromise MY marriage. I am not going to be friends w/ someone with no regard to marriage vows.
Right now, you need to focus on being for your friend who is the victim here. ANd figure out how to handle these other two later. As for that other woman, I wouldn't trust her. Your friends husband you have to tolerate. This other woman....not so much.

You stay friends with your best friend who was cheated on, and your husband stay friends with the husband who was cheated on (if I have that right). I don't think either of you have to hang out with the cheating spouses. Just do one on one with the bff's and eventually, if they do work it out, maybe you call can gradually start to do things as couples again. But I don't think it will ever be the *same* as it was. It is a horrible situation. Good luck!

Kimmy:

Do you have proof of the affair or is it rumor or conjecture? or are you stating that the affair was outed and you need to "pick sides"?

You need to stand by your friend. I'm not sure if "forgiving" them is what you need to do. If they have forgiven their spouse, you need to stand by them.

It will be hard, yes. Because you are defensive of your childhood friend. But you cannot keep reminding her of his failings - it will not help them heal the wounds this affair created.

it takes two to tango. he couldn't be lured away from his wife without not being happy. Does it make it right? NO FREAKING WAY!! however protective you are of your friend, you need to respect her decision and stand by her. I cannot tel you how hard it was for me to hear people remind me of my ex-husband's exploits and telling me "you deserve better" - I was trying to stick to my commitment. So in a round about way - I hope this answers your question - I don't think you need to forgive them. They didn't cheat on you.

Well, do the cheated-on spouses know about it? If they do, how do they feel about the relationship between you and their spouses? I think that you need to take that into consideration. Do you do things together? Do the cheated-on spouses WANT to do things with you or you and your husband as a 3-som3/4-some?

If the cheated-on spouses don't know, that's a whole lot more complicated.

Seek out the cheated-on spouses' opinions on the subject and do what they want you to do. What you don't want is for them to be punished twice, either way.

Hope this makes sense!
Dawn

I know that I could not be around either of them ever again. My friendship would be an unfortunate casuality of their 'poor' choices. Sorry but this is just too ugly of a situation.. How could things ever feel normal again? I would certainily not do one more couple thing with either couple. When I want to hang out with my bestie it will be for girls night or anything else just the two of us. If DH wants to hang with his bestie then he would have to make the time without me. I would also work their kids out of my kids lives as much as I could to make it easier.