Friendship Question... - Richmond,VA

I don't think I could be friends with someone that is friends with a racist. To me that is condoning the behavior. While you very well might not be I would always have a question in my head, "what could she possibly see in the person?" Couldn't do it.
L.
(sorry, just being honest)

I continue my friendship with you, as long as you don't tell what's-her-face anything about me, or what I'm up to. Keep it all separate and everythings fine. I'm like you too, friends with everyone. It's better that way!!

I'd still be friends. Just wouldn't want to hear you talk a lot about the other person. Everyone can have lots of different kinds of friends, and no one should be able to tell you who you can and can't be friends with.

I was close friends with someone who was friends with someone who did not like me. I couldn't have cared less about their friendship, I wasn't jealous or bothered initially. The problem came when my so-called BFF would tell me mean things the other person said about me! I frequently found myself angry or with my feelings hurt until it finally dawned on me that the problem was not my enemy, but my friend. So, I dumped my so-called friend and have been much happier since.

I don't have to agree with you for us to be friends. I won't however be friends with someone who has certain values that I find offensive or inhumane. (racism, homophobic, anti-woman etc.) I choose friends who I have something in common with and who I like to be around. If their friend is someone i really don't like, its no problem for me. I just don't choose to be around that friend of theirs. But it has nothing to do with my relationship with them.

M

Continue the friendship. I agree with your point of view. I may not agree with you but I can still be your friend is my philosophy. I've been friends and socialized with child abusers. They need love too. I've been friends in a professional way with all sorts of people. I wouldn't bring them home or give them my home phone number but I've spent professional time listening and talking with them. And not just with the legal side of things. Social conversations.

I spend most of my time with people that I have things in common with. So I'd spend time with you. Perhaps not some of your friends.

As long as you aren't forcing me to interact with someone who I find horribly unpleasant (and I don't count big parties, weddings, etc -I can steer clear of those people there), then I'm still going to be your friend. If you call me to see a movie or go for drinks with you and one of "those" people who you're also friends and I can't stand -then I'll decline, but you'll know why. I don't believe in high maintenance friendships! I'm too old for drama and stress from friends. For me to drop a friendship, there has to be something personal involved, not that person's choice of other friends.

Why cut you loose?

Even if you asked me to be in the company of the other friend I couldn't "stand" (which, for me, isn't many) then it's MY choice to accept the invitation or decline. My choice wouldn't have anything to do with you, right.

p.s. I would seriously have a hard time being friends with a racist though. Being "open minded" is O. thing--having no convictions is another, don't you think?

ETA: No, I can't just "hang out and get along" with blatant racists. Nor would I want to!

an abusive spouse/parent is a complete deal-breaker for me.

racism/homophobia are both deal-breakers for me.....I simply limit my time with people who embrace these lifestyles.

& someone who lives thru negativity.....wow! I rarely spend time with them.

Good Grief, I'm opinionated.....& yet, my friends/family consider me to be a consistent parent & a liberal when it comes to world events, because I embrace diversity. Hmmm. Good question & I hope all goes well 2moro with your son. Your family has been in my thoughts this weekend.....Peace.

Hey R.!!!

Sit down....be prepared....

I have Liberal friends!! Yes! I do!!! Ms. Conservative/Libertarian has Liberal friends!! :)

The only friends that would be a deal breaker for me would be the habitual liars or the users...why? because while I know you are strong enough to take care of yourself...I would be overprotective and really want to whoop hiney should you be taken advantage of...(surprised?)

If you were friends with my old boss - well, I'd still be friends with you - but I would NOT be around when the two of you were together...other than that?! WE BE BUDS!!!!

I would continue the friendship - you sound like a great person to know!

The racist would be a deal breaker for me. Other than that, from your list, we would have no problems being friends. If you had a party and we were both invited, I would come. I am an adult, I can be civil to others I'm not fond of.

If I couldn't stand someone and my friend still liked them, fine.....and depending on the situation I would try for my friend's sake to be cool with the other person (I have deal breakers, but those are between me and the person engaged in those deal breakers....not all their friends). If I could not be cool with the other person, I would just visit my friend when he/she was not around.
I've had this a lot in my life actually. I've despised some people my friends have chosen to be friends with, but that doesn't change my relationship with my friends....but it might change how OFTEN we see each other (if they're with someone I can't be around a lot).

I'd be okay with it...provided that you wouldn't expect me to hang out with them that often and that I could at least say one bad thing about them after they left! ;)

not a problem unless you start bringing her to lunch. lol

.

i have friends with friends that i dont like. what i do is if we all go out somewhere i will be nice to the person. or i would kindly say no thanks i dont feel like going out.

I continue the friendship, but I may be more guarded about what personal information I will share with you. This way I won't worry what info about me you may share with them by accident, or on purpose if we had a falling out.

Not even a deal breaker! I've personally dealt with ALOT of this in my late teens and 20's. It was challenging at times, but I wasn't going to let my friend Krystin talk me out of being friends with Teresa because she didn't like her! I'm also very openminded and get along with most...everyone gets a chance.

Im a lot like you with my friends. I have groups of friends who get along, and some who probably will never cross paths. I look at my list of friends on Facebook and laugh. These people are so diverse its as if they come from different planets. There have been a few times when they may be in the same room, but not often. I just know it would be hard for me to spend quality time with them all, lets say for my birthday dinner, so when friends start suggesting we go out that night, I know who to go with on one night and who to arrange to go the next night. I have wonderful friends from church who might feel a bit uncomfortable with my friends from lets say, bowling who drink, and cuss and get a bit rowdy. Its not that my church friends have never heard it or seen it, and some may have at sometime actually been like that, but its just not easy for either group to mix much with the other, so we dont go out of our way to get them together. I see it as a common character trait throughout my life. I can be a church going Christian and bowl on Friday nights, and not drink, cuss, or whatever,, but I can have friends there I care a lot about and not judge them in those areas. They all just accept me for who and what I am and know Im ok with them the way they are. Did that make sense? And if I was your friend and you wanted to dance naked on the roof of your house Id still be your friend, as I would be with the straight laced older church lady down the street. Someday when I die, I figure youre all gonna meet at the party I have planned for my funeral. Im sure both sides will have plenty of stories to tell about me. Maybe then they will all become friends.
by the way,, how is the broken leg boy tonight? Better I hope.

I respect the fact that this is who u r & remain friends w/u b/c of this. Many people feel threatend by someone like this though. But I find it an excellent quality in someone!

I am like you, friends with a variety of people and I do not feel that would be a friend breaker. I do have friends that do not get along with each other and I just do things with them seperately. If im having a party and want to invite them both, I assume there is enough going on that they will be mature enough to handle themselves in a mature manner and associate with the other part of the party group. If i dont feel that friend could handle that then they wotn get invited.

The differences are more than ok, if there is no mutual respect in spite of the differences, that would be the deal breaker.

Nope- not a deal breaker for me. If I like you, then I want to spend time with you. If I don't like your other friend, I don't have to spend time with that person. I would, however, make a point of being on my best behavior when the three of us were in the same place out of respect for the "middle man". Don't invite me out to lunch with just you and the other friend, but backyard BBQ with other people to talk to- sure!

The people I was around were not mature enough to handle that type of situation. As grown women yes that should not be an issue and we should be able to have all kinds friendships but I have found in this day people are too sensitive and immature. The way that I operate is if you are my friend and I know someone who does not like you that is fine, but I do not allow anyone to talk to me about someone else because I follow the old saying if you talk about them you will talk about me and I make it clear that "I don't want to hear It".

Yes we contiinue our friendship as long as we can all be mature enough to know that we just don't like each other so don't bring me her business and do not take her mine, do not encourage or allow(meaning letting either of us know that is not cool) any nasty remarks about one each other that we may make out of emotion.

At this stage in my life I do not call people friends easily you are an acquaintance until we have established trust, respect, common ground ect...

I think I get what you mean. In high school for instance, I was not in any particular clique. I was friends with several people from all of the different cliques though. It's just how I was, and still am today at age 42. I had to make it a point to NOT invite certain people to my home at the same time back then, and to some extent I still do today. I DO however, feel that if I invite someone to my home, they would need to be respectful to whoever I had over, regardless of how they felt about that person while they were there. (obviously this wouldn't apply if that person had done something to the other person, but I wouldn't allow them to be at my home at the same time then) I guess that's the one thing I really do require in a friend, respect. They may not have to agree with everything that I do, feel, or believe, but I do want them to RESPECT me and anyone else who I have in my home. I have never really had any issues with this either, so it must not be too difficult a task for most people. (thankfully) I do have quite a large circle of friends, even though some are much closer than others. OK, I just thought of my other "deal breaker" and this is one I have actually used more than once. My kids. I cannot be friends with anyone who says or does anything wrong to or with my kids. There is really no wiggle room on this one.

I am friendly but make few friends. People that I let close are few and far between but the friends I do have are all very different and unique individuals. I do not need to have the same religion, same political beliefs or heck even the same parenting styles to accept a person as a friend, I feel it is not my place to judge. The great hallmarks of a good friend are someone who is honest without being mean...someone who is kind and compassionate when it would be easier to remain aloof and indifferent. I think just about the only person out there that I would not be able to maintain a friendship with would be someone who had issues with drug addiction because I do not want that kind of drama in my life, or someone who was overly judgmental of myself or my family. There is a huge vast world of people and we are all unique individuals...I cannot imagine being friends with a carbon copy of "myself" I probably would not be able to stand "Me" = )
My son is special needs and so are my two nieces, I do not think I could tolerate anyone who was not tolerant of children.
If someone reaches the point where I consider them a true friend it would have to be something pretty severe for me to "cut them loose" and it certainly would not have anything to do with the company my friend chose to keep.

LOL!!!! @ people upset because you CHOOSE to be friends with racists. Some people are racists and don't even know it. LOL!!

To each his/her own...just make sure you are not the friend taken for granted.

I could care less who someone else is friends with. Heck if I am lucky enough to know you, like you and vice versa that is good enough for me! I figure life is too short and good friends are too hard to come by to worry about petty things. ;)

My response to your question about whether I would continue my friendship with you would depend on the people you are friends with and why. Having friends that carry different opinions simply demonstrates that you can tolerate people different from you. Kudos. Having friends that carry worldviews that are characterized by hostility or foolishness, demonstrates poor judgment in selecting your friends. And that would give me pause. In this case, we may still be friends, but certainly not a close friend that I would turn to for counsel or a friend that I would take very seriously.

I cannot think of one instance where I have ever chosen to not be friends with someone due to friends that they have. I figure my friendship is between me and my friend. They are welcome to have whoever they want as their friend, just as I am too. Doesn't mean I have to be friends with their friends...or even approve of it. Usually I don't even care who my friends are friends with.

Hope your migraine goes away soon. Those are AWFUL.

Not a deal breaker...I just tend to not attend functions that I know the individual I don't like is there.

As far as the racist thing goes...I try to NOT be friends with people who are closed minded, however I do know people that are. And to some, the surprise is that they are of different races than I. (I am Caucasian). I however am the person in the group that calls people on their ignorance! And word of mouth gets around so people tend to not say stupid things in front of me...

I am a social butterfly, I bounce around from groups. I get bored easliy, doesn't mean I don't consider a group of people I know, not my friends cause I "bounce" around. I have core group of friends but love making new friends. My best friend has a friend that I simply CANNOT stand to be in the same air space as...but I have to sometimes to make my best friend happy.

Sure...unless your open mindedness caused you to be friends with truly destructive people and I just couldn't support that. Otherwise, who cares?

If you and I are friends and you are friends with someone I don't like, I would just tell you that I don't want to talk about that person or hear anything about them. I don't see what the problem would be if you choose to be their friend as long as I don't have to hang with them or hear about them.

So long as you weren't friends with people who are influencing you or the children or who are a threat, I could care less.

I have friends of all sorts.
But of course, I can stand them.
If a friend of mine was a friend with someone I couldn't stand... then fine. I don't have to be friends with that friend's, friend.
I have various types of friends.
And I don't have to mingle or be friends with all my friend's friends.
So what.
I would just say, that is your friend, not mine, and I don't want to combine friends.... why should we have to do that?
That is my friend's friend. I don't have to have the same friends of friends.
And knowing my friends, I CAN say to them, I can't stand your friend but you can.... so no big deal.

Usually the people I cant stand, no one else can stand them either. :) I usually have a high tolerance for people.
But no, it wouldnt be a deal breaker.

It isn't a deal breaker, although I would definitely avoid your parties if the racist kid hater shows up there. :-) I understand how you feel. If you try hard enough, you can generally find something to like about almost everyone.

I have friends I know would hate each other! I have friends that do not share my same beliefs. I would never not be friends with someone because of who else the associated with. I am surprised so many focused on the racism thing, I really don't think that was the point of this post.