FRUSTRATED Mom. - Goodyear,AZ

Yeah. My youngest is like that. She wants to know how everything works, and she gets bored easily. She's in 4th grade now, and for the past several years, she's always the one getting notes sent home because she completed her work early and then started bugging other kids, or because she'd be so bored she wouldn't even attempt the work, and then would mess with her school supplies or whatever... Ugh! If it was a subject that really interested her (like science), she had no trouble focusing and being attentive. Kids like that have a very hard time in the traditional school setting. It's not going to get any better, I'm afraid to tell you.

I ended up pulling my daughter out of school, and we are homeschooling now. This way, she can finish her work as quickly as she likes. I can assign her enrichment activities to make the work more challenging for her, and best of all, she doesn't have to sit still while she does her work! She can stand up at her desk, lay on the floor, roll around, I don't care. As long as the work is done properly, she has the freedom to do what she wants, because I'm not dealing with 30 kids and trying to keep the classroom under control. She is a lot happier this way, and is actually excited about her work.

So, just a thought for you. I never imagined I'd be a homeschooling mom, but I'm glad I am.

I am a teacher. My desk is off limits. My chair is off limits. What if your son had hurt his hand while playing with the chair? Would you be this upset and blame the teacher as well? This may seem like a trivial issue to you, but it's not to a teacher that is trying to manage a class of 25 students.

Every time your son is "curious", he misses out on instruction, therefore he is missing out on LEARNING. Every time your son is "curious", OTHER students are missing out on learning because the teacher has to stop and redirect your son. This is not fair to the other students in the classroom.

You are on day three and you son has already been in trouble twice. Instead of blaming the teacher, you need to have a serious conversation with your son about making appropriate choices at school.

I am glad you are able to vent on this forum, but the problem here is most definitely not with the teacher. We do not expect perfect children. We do expect children who know how to behave in a classroom, and by second grade, this should no longer be an issue.

Viola, I am not a FT teacher - I teach part-time to high schoolers and have been teaching Sunday school to 1st and 2nd graders for years. Here's something I want you think about - if your child is always getting in trouble, it's him. Not the teachers, not the other kids, not the system. It's him.

Have you ever taught? Have you any idea how disruptive it is to have kids who repeatedly don't listen? Who have to be "re-directed" all day long? Yes it's part of the job, but it's annoying, disruptive and unfair to the teacher and the other students. He played with the chair. She spoke to him about it. He continued to do the same thing, so she sent a note. He needs to start to learn to listen the first time he's warned. It's part of growing up.

I would suggest that you stop defending him and try to understand how challenging it is to manage a large class of children that age. Perhaps you could spend some time in the classroom as a volunteer to see what it's really like? I can tell you that after one hour a week with my little kids in Sunday school I'm ready for the class to end. I don't know how teachers of kids that age don't go insane. And I can tell you that one of my kids is the most annoying child I've ever taught. To a degree that I won't teach him again because his constant, relentless interruptions were so disruptive and unfair to the other students. I sympathize with and have total respect for any teachers who get him - he's very smart, and curious, and sweet, and funny, and energetic but in a classroom, that doesn't always work.

Rather than nagging the teacher, work with your son on his listening and self control.

You don't have to be a teacher to see you are that parent. We all know the one, your child has no self control and you call it curiosity. He touches something he clearly shouldn't and it isn't his fault, the one at home is broke. He keeps blurting out in class, not his fault after all he just wants to ask questions.

All those teachers want is to make you aware your child lacks 'appropriate' impulse control. They want you to parent up and teach him respect for the people around him and their possessions.

Don't be that mom.
____________________
One of the other moms brought up a good point, did he do this last year. So I did some digging and you posted about how it hurt you that children in his class were instructed by their parents to not associate with your son.

I was an unmedicated child with ADHD, I was that child that no one wanted their child around. I was brilliant, which the kids hated as well, then the teachers hated that I blurted out the answers. This was not a good childhood. All four of my kids have ADHD and are not allowed to be that child. They have been taught practically from birth that there is nothing wrong with them but then must learn to control themselves.

You can keep blaming the other kids, the parents, the teachers but you are the one failing to teach your child what he needs to be successful.

I'm going to be balls to the wall honest here.

I have had the misfortune of spending time with a child that asks constant questions, never makes his mouth quite, doesn't really listen for an answer before asking the next question, asks questions that are just strange and annoying. No one wants to spend time with that child. I'm not saying that is entirely how your son is, but he needs to follow the basic rules of raising his hand and thinking before asking. You could talk to him about really listening to the teacher "because she might answer your question before you even have to ask".

If you have 2 teachers already having issues, you need to have a serious talk with your son.

Good Luck,

M.

I hate to tell you this, but if he has a reputation, there's a reason, and it's him.. you see it as "curious", everyone else sees it as lacking boundaries and out of control... please do your son and the rest of the world a favor and start teaching him now that it's not all about what HE wants. Join forces with the teachers and let your son know that you know he's capable of making better choices and that you expect him to do so. I have an autistic child that likes to talk, he cant help it, but it's disruptive and inappropriate - I do not expect the other children to "suffer" bc my son wants to talk. I expect him to control himself. His teachers have been SO helpful in accommodating his needs as well as the other kids - he often finishes work way ahead of the others, one teacher gave him a notebook for him to share/ask whatever he wanted - then she would reply as she was able - so they passed it back and forth. I did have "that teacher" once - I literally got a note home the second day of school that "his loud breathing is annoying" wth???? It was a looooooong year! Pick your battles, this one is with your son, not the teachers...

Please TALK to the teacher, now. Kids come home ALL the time, claiming innocence, "I didn't do anything wrong" or "my teacher is being mean/hates me." The only way you're going to get the REAL story is by talking to the adults in charge. Notes coming home on the third day is not something to take lightly! And your son is a little boy not a monkey, don't trivialize his behavior. It's not about having a "perfect" child it's about helping your son learn how to focus and do well in school.
ETA: I'm not a teacher but I was an aide (1st grade) for three years and did some K-5 subbing as well, and I've spent many years as a Scout leader (both boys and girls)

I'm sure your son is a nice child, but two teachers have noticed that he has trouble following directions and focusing in class. It's time to talk to him about how he needs to behave in school.

Well, despite that he is a curious child and wants to know about how things work, he does need to learn that he shouldn't touch things that AREN'T his........

I'm constantly seeing students take things off of teacher desks.... to me, the teacher's desk is HER property..... unless she has given permission for a student to get something off her desk (a pencil, the stapler, etc.), the student should NOT be messing with something that isn't his.

He does need to learn boundaries..... something I see many students lacking....

Your son is going to have to spend the rest of his life in positions where he CAN'T be curious and where he HAS to raise his hand before he asks a question. It's called life. he can't go around doing whatever he wants to do.
It's frustrating for you. It's frustrating for him. It's frustrating for the teacher. It's frustrating for his classmates. And it will be frustrating for his boss and his co-workers and his wife and his children.

So - teach him to figure out a system for staying within bounds. Does he act this way at home? If so, change his behavior so he knows how to behave across the board. Teach him WHEN it's ok to be curious and WHEN it's ok to speak up but other times it's not appropriate.

ALL kids, are curious.
Boys or, girls.
But, there are appropriate and inappropriate ways, of being curious.
By a certain age, acting this way is not "cute." Nor excusable.
He is now in 2nd grade.
In 2nd grade, kids are expected, to know how to behave in school. They were in Kindergarten then 1st grade. They have had, precedents, and KNOW the school rules, BY now.
He is not a Kindergartener, just learning school behavior. Only now. He has been in school since Kindergarten.
And a Teacher, also, has to enforce classroom conduct, AND school wide.... rules.
And, kids who cause disruption, are ALSO disrupting ALL the other kids. Too. So you NEED to, acknowledge, that.
And if he is busy being "curious" and causing a disruption, that means he is NOT paying attention, to the lesson. Nor to the Teacher. Nor to anyone else, for that matter.

Them sending you a note or notes home, means that they are corresponding to you. The Mom. To inform you of what is happening at school, because of your son. Don't you want to know... how he is doing at school? Or would you rather not, have them tell you anything?
They are following, school protocol and procedures. ALL schools, have these procedures.

All kids are sweet and curious. But not all, are good at behaving. Thus, a school/teacher needs to inform a parent of any problems.

I work at my kids' school as staff and as a Sub.
School just started last week. Teachers have already sent notes home, about some kids and their behavior. They need to do so already.... because, this is only the beginning of the year. IF a Teacher...for example, did NOT inform a parent of their child's issues, and then tells them much later... then the parent will say "how come you didn't tell me this SOONER?" and parents get mad, if they were not told.

Disrupting a class and other kids, is NOT "simple things." It is, a disruption. To the class. To the other students. To the Teacher. And it impairs learning, for ALL the students and makes things, held up. Classes cannot be constantly stopped. Or interrupted, because a student is making disruptions. It holds up, everyone.

It is NOT that they want "perfect" children. It is, that this is school. A child, needs to learn how to behave in, school. It is life.
And, he is in the 2nd grade now.
He knows, better.

As an example: in school last year, there was a 3rd grader, that was constant trouble. Interrupting others. Being non-compliant. Not listening. Basically just doing whatever he wanted to, whenever and however. Oh, sure the boy was just expressing himself and his curiosity. But he didn't even listen to the lessons. Didn't do the work if he didn't want to etc. He was not special needs or anything. He was just, being a jerk. Excuse my wording. But this is how he acted. AND the school and the teacher and Principal, all spoke to him and the parents. To no avail. Why? Because, his parents said he can do as he pleases, he is a "free spirit" they called it and "that is his personality" they said. Good grief. So, basically, the school/teachers, could not do anything to help the boy learn anything. Because, the parents made excuses for him. They said he can do what he wants. BUT he also bothered other kids, via his behavior. And the other kids.... could not... stand... him. He had no friends. And then the boy would grumble about how no one wanted to play with him.
But oh well. The parents, allowed this and got all prickly with the school, saying how THEY are, misinterpreting him. Good grief. Why even have their son in a school, if they don't even want him to learn... socialization and respect and how to behave in a group or learn academics?
Again, he was in the 3rd grade already. And STILL acting this way. Like a 2 year old.
Basically, we as staff were told to leave him alone. Meaning, we could not tell him, anything and had to talk to him in a certain way walking on eggshells. Otherwise the parents will get mad, again. And threaten staff with legal jargon.
Good grief.

Dunno.
In school nowadays, certain kids are just, disrespectful and/or disruptive and they don't listen to anyone and they have no respect. And they are taught at home that "well this is my personality." or "Well, I learn things differently...." or "My Mommy said I am just very active and expressive..."
Yah.
Oh well.
So the school and Teachers can't teach.
But have to customize everything, for one student?

School IS challenging. It is meant to be. There is learning and socialization. Many tiers of behavior needs to be learned.
And sure, it can be "boring." Just like anything else in life or per jobs. But you learn, about life and the depth of your character that way. And about learning. On many levels. And also about accomplishment. Meaningful, accomplishment. Not only accomplishment that is catered, to you. But that which you work, for. Despite, difficulty or boredom.

Kids need to learn, how to interact and behave and learn... EVEN in groups that are of different personalities from them.

I have 2 kids that are very different. Boy and girl. And they BOTH are VERY curious individuals. And learn very differently from each other. But... there is no way, I would expect a school to cater to their individual personality. AND also because, we as parents ALSO teach our kids things at home too.
I want, my kids to learn... about life. HOW to adapt. HOW to plug through things/learning/social issues, despite. How life is not about it being catered to you. But about how they can learn about themselves, about people, about social issues, about studying despite being tired or bored, or etc. Its life.
Once they grow up and get a job. No Boss is going to make excuses for their behavior or need for customization JUST for them.
All organizations/schools/companies/clubs/sports etc., have behavior expectations and rules and things to learn. Despite, challenges.

My son will be starting 1st Grade on Tuesday, and has some similar things he needs to work on. He is also very curious, likes to talk (A LOT), likes to ask lots of questions. He's funny, goofy, friendly ... lots of characteristics that I hope will make it easy for him to get to know people. But when it comes to listening, sitting still and being quiet and courteous, well, that's something we're still working on.

Two things I've really tried to teach him are 1. each place/person I charge has a different set of rules (home, Grandma's house, summer camp, school, etc.) that needs to be followed and 2. all of these characteristics are very good, but they have their place.

I had a student once (high school) who was joking about how her teachers all through school wrote on her report card that she talks a lot. I said something to her about the importance of saving that for afte class. She replied, "That is my personality." I was a young teacher and said nothing. The thing is, even though it is her personality, she does need to mature and learn that school is not the time to let that part of her personality shine!

Try to work with him on understanding the times when he needs to show a little more self control. You'll be doing him a HUGE favor I the long run.

If your teacher has a program in place why would you be unhappy about it? Refocus means just that your son needs to get refocused on what he is supposed to be doing. The teachers desk and chair are hers not your sons. Do you imagine if another kid was messing with your sons chair he would be ok with it? I think not I think that the other kid would get a refocus of his own. Sounds to me like you need to reinforce the teachers rules instead of trying to get your kid out the habit of listening to them or thinking he is above them.
Don't be unhappy just reinforce them and be glad she doesn't scream and or give detentions instead.

OMG! She sent a NOTE home. She COMMUNICATED with you about his day at school???
What do you think would be a better way to remind your child of the rules?? Hit him, keep him in at recess? Humiliate him? Or did you want them to say, it's OK, YOU don't have to follow any rules.?
Most parents want to hear how their child is doing in school. They want this sort of communication. It isnt about reporting imperfect children, it is about teaching children. It isnt the teacher complaining about your child, it is the teacher sharing with you the opportunity to help your child. The teacher is doing what most parents want. Politely let the teacher know that you do not want to hear about small transgressions, that you want her to handle it in school with a brief timeout, having him write a reflection of what happened. She may be able to stop communicating with you. However, this may be school policy and she may not be able to change it.
Please, do not tell your son that he has a bad reputation and teachers are therefore "out to get him". What a horrible thing to tell a child.

It was only a note. You don't need to talk to the teacher about it.

Just tell your son, "Don't play with the chair at school and don't talk without raising your hand." That's it -- light and simple, and you will probably have to say things like this more than once, because his brain won't mature fully for 18 more years, and learning doesn't take place over night.

Educating children is a process, not an instantaneous event. Processes require reminders and ongoing education.

Your son was not wrong or bad for doing normal 7 year old behaviors -- prodding chairs and talking spontaneously -- and the teacher was not wrong for sending home a note. This is all a part of his educational process, and the teacher sending a note home is not an attack on your son.

Just keep educating your son, just as the teacher is trying to do, and don't be offended by notes. Over time, your son will learn, because learning takes time.

I agree completely with Sammy, and I think you should reread that answer.

Viola,

You are right. No child is perfect.

I know you are angry and you had a good vent. Leave it here.

If it were my child, I would talk to the teacher directly and ask some open-ended questions along the line of "So, I got a note home from school about X, and I wanted to check in. Can you tell me what happened exactly, since I only have son's account?"

That, right there, is a step in the right direction- ask her first about what *she* felt happened. Maybe she did ask him to stop but he was engaged and not tuned in, so he didn't hear her.. it does happen. It's going to be harder in a larger group of kids for the teacher to make the one-on-one connection and eye contact some kids need to 'hear' the teacher or know she means business.

Whether or not you like her account of the story, stay focused on being a team with the teacher, because this is just the beginning of the year. "What can I do to help you help him at school?" Hopefully she will have some concrete suggestions ("please let him know that playing with that handle has caused accidents", etc.)

If your son knows that he needs to raise his hand,then that's really on him. He is going to have to practice some self-regulation, and I'd be reflecting this back to him in a positive way of "you know, the teacher is still learning all of the kids names and getting things going at school...it will really help her if you mind her and remember to raise your hand to speak. She cannot hear what the other kids have to say, and she can't hear you if you are all talking at once or talking when she's talking."

(ETA: Curiosity is a good thing, when it has limits. He can still be curious and also learn to respect the property and boundaries of others. It is important that you give him that guidance. That must be taught clearly at home. We do it in our house with limits about where our son may be and when. For example, he is not allowed in our room when we are not in there. He is not allowed in my backpack or purse or drawers. Show him that there are spaces and things that are not for him. He needs those boundaries.)

All this to say-- every kid has their challenges and your son is no different. I'll bet he has some strengths that will emerge in time as well, every kid does. My guess is that the teacher is being super clear about how discipline will run in her class right at the onset and the refocus is actually a good, non-punitive way to help him think about his actions. My son got into trouble last year in K with a friend; they were hiding in some lockers during recess and he had to write a behavior plan, so I do know how chagrined a parent can feel to receive the information that their child had less-than-stellar behavior at school. It stinks, but then again, it's good she has clear communication with you. Of course, it would have been nice if you'd had a chance to make a more personal connection with her before the notes came home, but do give being a 'team' with her a good try first. It will usually pay off in the long run.

Basic behaviors and things each child should learn before even starting school.

Hands behind our backs.

Learn to walk in a line without pushing, hopping, running.

Again keep your hands to yourself,not dragging against the wall, not touching shiny things, not touching others.

We listen with our ears.

We raise our hands when we have a question.

We do not touch things that are not our own.

No sharing food.

We listen to the teacher.

We always use our manners.

Your son has now been in school for 2 full years. He may just need to be reminded, in school, we follow the above rules. Maybe he has just forgotten.

I think you need to calm down and realize that what YOU thought was a perfect child is not.

The teacher is trying to give you a heads-up at the beginning of the year so that you can help her help your son have a good year. If she were to let these things go until he suffered a real consequence, you'd be wondering why these things had not been brought to your attention when they happened.

I am NOT a fan of teachers, but in this instance, I think it was a lose-lose for the teacher.

The teacher may very well have warned him before writing the note. Did the note say that he had only done it once? Your post says he was "playing with the handle that pushes the chair up and down." Do you know how many times he made the chair go up and down before the teacher determined that a refocus and a letter to mom was needed?

Your son needs to learn self-control. We are all curious about things from time to time, but we have to control our impulse to reach out and manipulate things that don't belong to us. Good lesson for your son. Keep his hands to himself and if it's not his and it's not a toy, he shouldn't touch it without permission.

The teachers don't want perfect children. They want children that follow the rules for the most part and that LISTEN and are RESPECTFUL. I wish more parents would realize that. We want to work WITH you and your children, not against! And that the rules are there for a reason - when you have a ton of kids in the class (or at lunch/recess) there needs to be rules and consequences for not following them.

You don't need to discipline your son at home for what happened at school, but you do need to discuss it. It's only in his best interest that he learns to follow the rules and control his impulsive behavior. The older he gets, the less understanding the school is going to be.

I suggest role playing with your son. Practice raising hands. We used to do that at the dinner table with our 3 girls. No interrupting. Wait your turn. Our relatives thought we were nuts, but our kids aren't speaking out of turn in class. They can wait - but only because we practiced at home!

How did things go last year? Did he get notes sent home every day? Perhaps the teachers are cracking down hard at the beginning to establish boundaries.

If it were me in your shoes, this is what I would do. Tell your son to raise his hand. Tell him that the music teacher has to tell the kids things and do things in only a small amount of time. If he talks to her too much, she can't get through the lesson. Ask him if he understands. Have him practice raising his hand. Sometimes when he raises his hand, tell him that you have to continue the lesson and you don't have time for questions. Having taught music to classes of children myself as a substitute, I understand how hard it is to continue with a lesson when a child continually interrupts. However, as a substitute, I have never and would never send a note home about it.

You could send a well-thought out note to the music teacher telling her that you have spoken to your son about trying hard to raise his hand before speaking. Tell her that he likes music and that's why he's so animated in the class. You would hate for him to end up hating music over problems with him asking too many questions, so could she try to work with him. Generally, music teachers have a great love of music and they really WANT a child to love music. I'd rather have a child who is too enthusiastic in my class than a child who hates being in there and picks at other kids or refuses to sing because they don't want to be there.

As far as the regular teacher is concerned, I think you are stuck. I really don't think you should contact her at all. If you do, you two are just not going to get along. If you and the guidance counselor are friendly, if you worked with her last year, then go talk to her instead. Have you been told that your child is a kinetic learner? Does he have any sensory issues? If he always seems to need to "touch" things, talk to the guidance counselor about that and ask if that is a sensory issue.

Look, if he has the kind of teacher who is going to "note" parents to death for everything, then probably NOTHING you say is going to make any difference. So, you can ignore her, or you can argue about this with her. OR, if you are a SAHM, BE the room mother and go work in the classroom often so that you can see how she treats the children overall, and to see if she appears to be singling out your son.

if you want to encourage your son's curiosity, homeschool. There is no place for curiosity in our discipline oriented public schools. Kids have to be docile bodies, or they are deemed "problems."

I don't understand the teacher's point in sending a note home.

Isn't it the teacher's responsibility to control what goes on in the classroom?

Send a note back that says: "I love my son. Good luck to you."

Don't punish your son at home for things you hear about from school.

Reading these answers just reinforced my reasoning for homeschooling. When my curious children ask a question I answer it. That's how children learn to love learning instead of just how to regurgitate answers to pass the next test.

Well, it's better to know early than to get blind-sided at a parent-teacher conference a month or two from now.

Yes, it's painful and even embarrassing. But this is what it is like for some kids in traditional school - just not a great fit. I'd give it some time, and communication with the teachers, to see if things improve and how you can best help your child function appropriately at school.

That being said, like Hell on Heels we never thought we would be homeschoolers but it's worked out great for us.

Last year's teacher was like this. She called me one day all upset because his desk was disorganized. I was like, really? He is in grade 1. I am not in school with him, so I can't help him. What do you want me to do? She would send these ridiculous notes home also. He touched this, he did that, he breathed the wrong way. Whatever. She only made me believe that she couldn't control a classroom properly and was too worried about rules and not on learning. Here is the thing, many young boys learn differently. They can't be tied to their desk. They need to be able to get up and move and explore. Many teachers just do not teach in this way.

Just a question for you though--did he get the note home the first time she told him to stop? Or was he warned, and then he kept doing it and got the note? If he is getting the note home as a second warning, then I would ask why he didn't stop the first time she asked him too. If it is the first time she asks, then this is just a waste of her time and yours.

Some of the answers on this question are harsh. They are coming from frustrated teachers and subs responsible for "educating" 22-25-30+ children in a class. (They are increasingly told what to do and how to do it. If I were them, I'd be frustrated also.)

Teachers need to do whatever they can to insure kids stay in line, otherwise chaos for all will result "well, if he is tipping the chair, why can't I?"

My kinesthetic (loves to move, learns by moving, very athletic) son was stop lighted all of 3rd grade. Public shaming does not end in 3rd grade. It does not get easier every year they are in public school.

Germantown Avenue Parents: An open letter to teachers to stop the use of stop lights in your classroom
http://germantownavenueparents.com/2013/08/does-your-chil...

If you can, you should homeschool. I WISH I could homeschool. DH won't hear of it. My son has been complaining about school "why do I have to go to school?" since 2nd grade. He's an 8th grader, ADD. My 4th grade daughter is VERY bright and wants to be homeschooled because she is so bored in the class. One of her peers is homeschooled and she noticed how advanced she was in a lot of subjects.

In both cases, my children's educational needs are not met.

17 year old boy graduates from COLLEGE (homeschooled by mom)
http://newsone.com/2665991/james-martin-florida-atlantic-...

"While Martin is clearly a super-talented young man, his mother, who home-schooled him as a child, admits that her son was not always so studious. “His early years, he tended to be a little lazy,” said Joan Martin. “He daydreamed a lot and then, about 12 or 13, he started getting really serious.”

You are frustrated now. Imagine being your son, sitting in that class, day after day, being made to feel bad for being (gasp) curious.

The public school classroom is a one-size-all model and it simply does not work for every learner.

I would be frustrated too. Seems to be a bit excessive. I'm wondering if, at least the main teacher, is going a little overboard trying to set the tone of the classroom early on. We've had teachers like this, who are so afraid of losing control of their classroom that they overreact early on. It makes it hard for kids, especially since they are coming off of summer and not yet adjusted to school rules.

I would not talk to the teachers about this, not yet. I would simply convey to your son (which it sounds like you have) that now we know what the rules are, and that teachers expect x,y, and z, and how are we going to make sure we don't get notes sent home.

Maybe institute a reward system for your son- set up a chart where he gets a sticker for each day he does not get a note sent home, and then a reward at the end of each week with no notes? Something positive to reward him for good behavior.

If this continues, with every minor infraction leading to a note, then maybe speak with the teacher. But even then, come at from a place of wanting to be a team. "We fully expect DS to behave according to your rules, how can we be helpful to you in making sure this happens, while still allowing him to grow and be curious". Make sure to acknoweldge exactly what you told us, that your son is responsible for his actions. But that also he tends to be curious and impulsive and he needs time and support to work that out.

I think you're doing just fine. And it was smart to vent on here instead of going to the teacher- that's what we're here for! Good luck with the rest of the year!