Frustrated Son Saying Mean Things

When my kids talk like that I treat it as any other bad behavior. It doesn't put an emphasis on the words as much as it is the fact that he is misbehaving. I go by the super-nanny technique... Times outs and house rules. It seems to help get the respect we deserve.

Not dealing with this yet myself, but maybe a middle ground. Don't ignore, but don't react. Let him know you understand he's upset, frustrated, etc., but that you don't like that he's being mean when he's upset. He's allowed to be upset, but not mean. Good luck!

One day my son at about age 4 as well said to me “I don’t like you”.

After my initial shock (LOL) my response to him was “It'so.k. to bemad or frustrated, but that’s not very nice and it hurts my feelings. If you are going to use mean words, then I will not want to play with you. Let me know when you can be nice.” That elicited an “I’m sorry” response. Rules in our house is we do not say mean things and there are better ways to handle being frustrated.

It happened a few more times and again I would recite that. Then he would say it out of frustration, then immediately say “I’m sorry Mommy”. Before I knew it he stopped completely. Playing with me and getting time with me was WAY more important! I let him know how it made me feel and that was WHY I would ignore him. I felt he needed to understand that too.

I would not allow name-calling (such as "stupid,") but I wouldn't punish anything else. He's allowed to think you're mean, he's allowed to hate you, and he's allowed to disown you as his friends. He is simply expressing his feelings, and you don't want to punish him for that. It doesn't change what you ask him to do, and I agree with your husband that you should ignore it, or say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but you still have to do X" or "I'm sorry to hear that, because I still love you." Still, I wouldn't tolerate name-calling, and I would tell him firmly that you won't allow that in your home, give him a warning, and if he does it again, punish him.

When my 4 year old son says I am mean, I tell him he has a right to feel that way, when he says he hates me I say I understand that he is mad, and that I know he really does love me just as I love him. When he calls me names or says I am stupid, he gets time out for being disrespectful.

I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Sometimes they don't know what they are saying. Somehow my almost 4 year old picked up the word "hate" and everything was I hate this, I hate that, etc. I asked him if he knew what he was saying and he didn't realize how strong of word that is. We gently remind him to use "I don't like" instead of hate and explained to him how strong that word is, he is getting much better and I haven't heard him say it in awhile. And yes, in the heat of the momement if he is really upset and not getting his way he will say things like "you aren't my mom anymore, etc" yes - extremely hurtful, but I don't think he understands at that age how words can really hurt. I just remind him that words like that hurt our feelings. He is slowly coming around.

I agree with Brandi D. Your son is angry (or frustrated or whatever). Whether you agree with his anger or not, you need to acknowledge it and to help him to learn what to do when he is angry. Help him with the specific words for the situation. You could say something like "I can see that you are angry because you want to continue playing instead of going to bed. It looks like you are in the middle of a puzzle and you want to finish it, so let's finish it and then we will go to bed." If you ignore his feelings, then he will learn that he should keep his feelings bottled inside and that will lead to bigger problems down the road! This approach takes a lot more patience, time and repitition, but eventually your son will learn to tell you when he is angry and what is making him angry rather than saying mean things.

First things first, this is normal behavior. Now that being said, a behavior can be normal and still not all right. Have there been any changes recently to make him feel more angry or frustrated?
There are other options besides ignore and punish. If your son gets made about a decision of yours allow for that feeling BUT help him find other ways to react. Let him say he is upset, but calling people names (stupid) is not something that is done in your family. Try looking at situations differently now. If your son is having trouble dealing with the word "NO" or the like, start giving him choices.
I know a lot of parents get really upset when their kids say "I hate you" but the more weight that you give it, the more they will say it. Your kids dont hate you, they are mad, and being mad is just fine.
So give choices and if your child says something to upset you, let them know and give them the words that they can use to express their feelings while still not be unkind.
B. Davis

Child And Family Coaching
http://www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com
Because nothing is more important than family

I go with guilt. I tell my kids that their words are very hurtful, that it gives me a bad feeling & makes me sad. They usually feel bad that they have hurt my feelings & they apologize. If they don't apologize willingly, than I make them tell me they are sorry or they get a time out until they do.

We don't allow name calling in our family. When it happens, rarely but once in a while, I just remind my children we don't call each other names and it stoppes. I also don't allow the word "hate" in my house. Is a much stronger word than children realize. All they know is it means they don't like someone which at the time he probably does't like you. At the time, he probably does think you're mean and doesn't really feel friendly towards you. You know that doesn't last though. I believe he is frustrated not being able to say what he really wants to say. You could help him express his anger in a better way. You could explain to him why he's not getting what he wants,sometimes that helps. I would also make sure to give him lots of postive attention. Notice when he does not get his way and does not say those things. let him know you love him no matter what but you don't love this behaviour.

We are experiencing this right now with our 4 yr old son. He is saying the exact same words. We have been giving him time outs for saying we're stupid, but the other words, we just ignore. He will usually use them once he gets put in timeouts. I know he is wanting our attention even if it's negative, so we try very hard to ignore most of it. It is sooo hard to just ignore....we are hoping this phase passes soon. Best of luck!

I think Jen C. has the right approach. It's OK for him to be mad and it's great that he is attempting to express his anger using words (vs. hitting, yelling, etc.). My 4 y/o daughter also is going through the same thing - telling me she doesn't love me, or that I'm not her mother, or that I'm not nice. I realize this is different than saying "hate" or "stupid." Chances are, your 4 y/o doesn't know what the word "hate" means and is just repeating. I think it's fine to tell him that it's OK to be angry but it is not OK to call names. Name-calling gets a punishment, whether it's a time out or loss of TV time, etc.

The other thing that has been working to diffuse my daughter's anger is when I remind her that I love her when she's angry, I love her when she's sad, I love her when she's happy, etc. I tell her there are things she may do that I may not like and I will tell her (and it's OK to tell when you don't like something), but I will not be mad at her and that I love her anyway. I think that puts her at ease as she is testing her limits right now. Good luck! This is normal and you're not alone!

Personally, I would not go with ignoring, guilt or punishment. I would remain calm and try to talk with him and acknowledge his feelings and talk to him about what he feels. I think it is important for kids to know that it is ok for them to have feelings...and it is good for them to understand and associate words with those feelings. (ie frustrated, angry, tired, hungry, bored, etc.) Not sure that this works for all children....but it works with my 2.5 year old. Good luck. :)

We do the ignoring,my 5 year old has realized that she is not getting a reaction and then she stops doing the behavior. It is a normal phase for them to go through.

I think it's important to let him know that saying things like that are hurtful. Kids do try out all sorts of new behaviors on their parents, and our feedback helps them learn what is and is not appropriate. So, I don't think ignoring is always the answer, because then he doesn't understand why it's inappropriate. However, if he repeats it over and over again, then ignoring may be in order.

There's also a good book that you can easily get on Amazon or at the library:
Words Are Not for Hurting by Elizabeth Verdick.

http://www.amazon.com/Words-Hurting-Ages-Best-Behavior/dp...

I have it at home right now because my 3 year old is trying some of this stuff, and I use the whole series of books both as a child therapist and a parent. Good luck!

HI. I know this is an area where lots and lots of people will differ. I am a proponent of letting a child that age know that words do hurt peoples feelings (then you need to give a concrete example of when your child's feeling were hurt so they understand) and tell him that those words hurt mommy and daddy's feelings. That it is ok to get angry or frustrated but we don't say mean things we don't mean in this house. It is a rough age for this stuff, but the repetition will help.

It also is part of what is going on in some of his social groups at school. When they fight they say they hate each other or call each other other names and that they never want to be friends again. They don't mean it but obviously don't know any other way to express themselves. I have always found the word hate to be a very strong word and teach that it should only be used in very limited situations. This is the perfect age to start teaching these concepts. Good Luck to you and your husband. It won't be easy but patience and repetition are what is needed here (and I understand how hard those can be at times).

I think there is a middle ground between ignoring and escalating. I 100% think it's the wrong move to ignore because I think that shows that what he is doing is OK. Would your own parents or your husband's parents have ignored it if you were disrespectful to them at his age??? Doubtful. Getting really angry with him would show he can push your buttons, but punishment shows you are not tolerating it, so enforce a punishment without doing it in anger. Do whatever punishment works for him. Time out only works if done correctly (don't speak with him no matter what while he is there, speak calmly with him about what he did afterwards, etc) and time out is not effective for every child, so you have to do whatever works with him. But ignoring is not the best course of action.

Yes, it sounds like he's trying out phrases he's heard at school. Ignore it while he is really angry. He's getting your attention if you engage in a battle. After he calms down (not too soon, like the next day is best) have a talk with him about his feelings when is is angry. It's OK to say he's mad at you, that he's angry. The word "hate" is strong and very hurtful, and should never be used. Ask him how he would feel if you told him you hated him? Tell him you would never, ever say that to him. Calling you names, such as "stupid" is disrespectful. Explain that next time he calls names, he will have a consequence. If he continues and still can't control his frustration when you've added consequences, you'll have to work with him on his "triggers" before he starts getting to the point he's angry enough to say those things.

My daughter is also 4, almost 5 and I have had problems with this type of behavior as well. What works best for me is to remain calm and depending on the situation I will sit her down and ask why she is so angry. Sometimes talking is not helpful particularly if they are in the "I want to engage you in an argument mode." If this is the case, I will remain calm and give her the choice to correct her own behavior or this consequence will occur. I do a lot of "if/then" statements. I ask her to decide how much trouble she wants to be in and it is completely her decision as to what happens next.

If her response to a directive, or a "no" seems more dramatic than usual...this is when I might try to get to the root of the problem if she is open to discussion. Sometimes it is a great idea to talk it out, but other times 1 warning only is given with a consequence attached should the behavior continue and this is pretty effective if consistently practiced. I also have to make sure that I can follow through with the consequence of my choosing.

Should a consequence ensue...it is after her that, that I talk with her about her behavior and the possible reasons behind it. I always make sure that she knows I love her, however I also tell her that I love her but I will not put up with rude or disrespectful behavior.