Frustrated with Husbands Ex-Wife

Dear K.,

I am new to this site, and this is my first time responding. The subject hit close to home for me and I felt compelled to write to you.

First of all, my mom is bi-polar, and what I say comes from the heart and is backed with many, many years of experiences.

It is a mental illness that is frustrating, draining, complicated and all too often, it can be overwhelming. It not only affects the person diagnosed, but to varying degrees, it affects all those in their life as well.

Many bi-polar people do stop taking their medicine, and most often because once their chemicals are balanced and they are on an even keel, they feel that they can do it all on their own..without meds. It's a frustrating and intense period (for everyone)from the time one goes off the meds and finally gets re-medicated and balanced once again.

Let me say that I am not defending all her actions and I don't agree with every thing she has done. But, for a brief moment I ask you set your feelings and frustration aside and just think about this....

Imagine being diagnosed with this illness. To depend on drugs (and most often) intense counseling for the rest of your life just to be "normal". The illness brings about a deep loss of self, control, "normality", and disfunction. You don't get a "day off" from it, and it is a constant grind just to stay on an even keel.

Again, I'm not defending her actions, nor am I saying everything is to be blamed on her illness either. You just are up against a lot!

I commend you for taking such an active role in Rachel's life; to support her, encourage her, be a consistancy in her life and a soft place to fall.

Further more, I am deeply moved by your husband's actions and I am very proud of the stand up man is he. I understand first hand the responsibility that he is undertaking by overseeing and managing certain aspects of his exes finances. She may not be your responsibility, and it may feel somewhat burdening, but in the big picture of things; I truly understand why he does it.

I empathize with your frustration, and I wish that this experience was easier for everyone. I know your at your wits end with his ex-wife, and for very valid reasons. To ask of her the things that you have is not unreasonable. Just remember, you can't make her change, she is going to have to want to do that for herself. And until that time comes, and for all the times (like now) that you just want to climb the walls, keep the this in the back of your mind....

... take a deep breath
... allow yourself time to cool down before re-engaging
... turn to friends, family, peers, etc. to vent, de-compress, etc. (this post was a great outlet and I'm sure it felt good just to get it all out)
... don't be too critical of your husband's decision's and actions, respectfully state your feelings and opinions, and remember he needs you as a partner, an ally and someone to lean on just as much as you need him.
... and most importantly this child depends on all of you to do what is in the best interest for her. It's very obvious that she is the world to you and your husband, and I hope you do take time to acknowledge yourselves for the good things you do.

It brings a smile to my face to read that she is taking a part in her daughter's life. No matter that it took this long, and no matter that it may not even be close to the idea of what you would want for your step-daughter. It's a first step, and perhaps a very important one in building a better relationship in the future....no matter how long it may take.

It took my mom and I many, many, MANY years of work, dedication, fall outs, break downs and ,over all, one heck of an emotional roller-coaster ride for each of us to get to where we are today. She is not only my mom, but I couldn't ask for a more dearer and truer friend. I am proud of her and I am proud of myself. And each of us couldn't have done it alone. We each had people in our lives that were pivitol and priceless.... the kind of people that Rachel has in you and her dad.

I wish only the best for you and your family!

Sincerely,

J.

K.,

This is the best advice I have for you. First of all, unfortunately I am an ex-wife too but mine is the other way around (with my children's father). The advice I have for you both is that since it has gotten this out of hand is that you should seek a lawyer. What needs to be done is first of all on the custody issue needs to be stricter. If it is not in writing, it needs to be done like this: exactly what times and days that you see your daughter and 2: exchanging every other holiday. If she does not comply with that, then you have proof and can actually gets possible either permanent custody. If her mother is how she is, it doesn't sound like your step-daughter is in a suitable home life staying with her mom. Plus the lawyer can help with besides the legal issue with your step-daughter the fact of your husband paying these things for the ex-wife. That needs to stop. The ex-wife needs to be appointed a power of attorney or a family member in her family that should take care of her responsibilities if she cannot do it for herself.
If you need any other advice please feel free to email me.

Wow, that is quite a story. I feel so bad for your daughter. It is very difficult to deal with someone with mental illness so always remember that she is probably out of control of her behavior, meds or no meds. Try and be sympathetic to that. Your daughter needs her mom even if she is not the best influence. I think it is right that you confront her mom but maybe try doing it when you are not so angry and when she is more calm. Maybe some family counseling is in order. Your daughter is probably torn over what to do and sad about her mothers behavior and a bit angry. I would suggest that you keep sending the clean clothes so you daughter doesn't have to be embarresed in school. It is great that you have adopted such a great love and respect for your daughter but remember the other one is her mother and no matter what, children want thier parents love. Do what you can to encourage her mother to get the help she needs and maybe you could someday work together in the best interest of the daughter you share. Good luck.

Hi K. -

I don't have much advice, but I would caution you about arguing or maligning the ex-wife in front of the daughter. Even if the mother is full blown insane, you don't want to appear to be in an US vs. HER situation. As the step-mom, you may find yourself in a position you don't want to be in. Be patient, be kind, be supportive, but stand your ground. After all, it's not about you and the ex, it's about the child.

Just my perspective.

C.

The first part of my advice is to read up on Bi-Polar disorder. I am not excuesing her behavior, but reading up on her mental illness will give you a better idea of what she is going through and how to best handle it. The second thing you need to do is set boundaries with her. Like the clothes, that is a good way to set some healthy distance. You are not over-reacting. Dealing with someone who has bi-polar disorder is not easy. Time for some hard truths: Making decisions for your husband being her payee is not just your decision. That is something you and he need to talk over. If he is willing to help his ex out this way you may have to find a way to be ok with it. These are all very hard situations to deal with. You have shed some light on a situation that is not the most healthy for any involved. Also remember that by helping his ex, your husband is helping to provide stability for his daughter. Try to keep that in mind and avoid accusations if you talk to your husband about this. Stick with "I feel" statements and present your case. Remember, she may not be capable of being rational off the meds, you sound like you are capable of being rational. I am not defending her behavior by any means. Reflect on this and try to decide what bothers you about this and tell your husband. Decide together what you are going to do about it. This is fusturating, I can see that you are not in a good situation. I hope you are all able to resolve things.

Good Luck

HI K.,
So sorry you are going thru such a difficult time.
I would first speak to the school counselor. They can help keep a record and back you if need to in the future. Keep a journal of what is going on. Read all you can about bipolar disorder. I know it will be hard but DO NOT BAD MOUTH YOUR DAUGHTERS MOM IN FRONT OF HER IF POSSIBLE. You will just confuse her. If a time comes where your daughter has to choose you want her to remember only positive coming from your mouth.I know this might not make sense right now. But YOU have to understand BiPolar disorder. I hope you are a praying person. Cause you are going to need lots of prayers and patience.

I agree with Monica. Everything she said! As far as the dirty clothes go, You are probably stuck. It sounds to me like the Mom (?) needs to spend a lot less time with YOUR daughter. Hubby really needs to NOT be her payee. Hope everything gets better soon.

Hi there K.. I feel compelled to respond to your situation. I am 37yo, have been married seven years, have a 2 yo daughter, a 1yo son and a 56yo mother who has been bi-polar since she was 14yo. Congratulations on your marriage and motherhood. I believe a form of couseling to strengthen your communication with your husband needs to be the first order of business. This will provide great security for your daughter and help your family to talk through situations that need to be dealt with presently and an action plan for future situations to protect you, your husband and daughter from making decisions and saying things that are emotionally damaging to all parties involved. As a newlywed, you have expectations but life will stretch your patience and perserverance and your faith. I strongly recommend a support group because you need a safe place to acknowledge your frustrations and hurts and dissappointments. Your husband and daughter will need you to be an example of self-control. Teaching your daughter that she cannot control anyone but herself is a life skill she will need to survive the emotional manipulation she will experience in her relationship with her biological mother and because your husband is a conflict avoider (as I am) he may encourage his own daughter to "do what she can to keep the peace" which may not be healthy in the long run. Remember all the wonderful reasons you married your husband because has gone through his own emotional turmoil which is affecting his interaction with you. You are not alone in these circumstances. I hope you seriously consider my advice. You will set the tone in your household. Let it be a peaceful one that surpasses understanding when chaos is knocking at your door. - A.

Hi K.! It sounds like you have a mess on your plate. Knowing only what you have written I would say that maybe you and your husband need to talk about getting full physical custody of Rachel. And I would also consider untying all of your responsiblity to her Bio mom. It sounds like this woman isn't even stable enough to take care of a child. I would personally be worried about the well being of her when she is with her for a week. The type of behavior that a bi-polar person diplays can lead to very dangerous and life threatning actions. She could kidnap her in a second or worse. Thats not a risk I would be willing to take if I were you. And it sounds like your husband is holding on to something that is no longer his problem or in his control. That woman needs to be cared for undividedly and that is not your problem or his responsibilty anymore, isn't that what a divorce is? I don't think you over-reacted at all, I would have lost it way before that. Not to mention what do you think this is going to do to Rachel? I grew up with a mentally unstable mother, and I took care of her my whole life. Watched her cheat on my father and step father, held her hand through sezieures, and sat with her all night on school nights in the psych ward on a couple of occations. I sacraficed my adolesence and it has affected my whole life. I wish my dad would have fought for me, maybe I would have had a normal child hood. I love my mother and that will never change, she did the best she could with what she was given, and I am functioning person today, but I survived, I wasn't taught. I swam when sink was the only other option. From personal experience that little girl will remember this, and if you as her parent don't fight for her and protect her, who will? The bi-poalr woman who can't even do laundry or pay her own rent? Trust me you don't want that life for your daughter. I know I was her once! I hope this helps and I hope I didn't offend you or your family, just sharing my own experience.

I totally agree that this lady is out of hand. but on the other side u should not be the one to handle this type of thing it should be his job to talk to rachels mother. also i dont think it was right for u to leave that message on the answering machine regardless of how upset u were. U did know that rachel was there ofcourse she is going to hear it. I am sorry if this sounds horrible but i think u were totally out of line to do that. U should never have any outbursts w/ her mom in front of her or even in an area where she will hear you. Never say anything bad to her or around her about her mom. That is still her biological mom. And regardless of how bad she is Rachel may get upset deep inside. I would just tell your husband that he needs to settle things w/ her & quit doing all these things for her. if she needs her rent check she needs to come get it. This is not his responsiblitly. The r no longer together or married or whatever. As far as the clothes go keep good clothes at your house & then just go to some garage sales or good will & buy some decent stuff for her to take back home. Never give up the good clothes to go back to her moms house. So when she comes to your house tell her mom dont worry abut packing any clothes we have some here. so the only clothes u have to wash r the ones she had on that friday that u got her. If u keep dooing these things she is going to keep haveing u do more & more. Her mother should not hold her against u and your hubby when there is a blow up between u three. That is totally unfair to Rachel. I am so glad to hear that u love your "step" daughter the way u do, i thik that is awesome. Keep doing what u guys need to do for "her" not her mother. I hope this wasnt too harsh but u wanted advice so that is what im giving u. take care & good luck.

First off your step daughter is very lucky to have you! Secondly. my only advice for you is try to put yourself in his ex's shoes and try to calm down before talking to her, because she is emotionally unstable you will not get anywhere arguing with her, you will just make things worse. I know you probably already know this.

No you are not overreacting, i think your husband might under-reacting. i think your husband might need to step in and be a peacemaker between you two, and see if you guys can come to an understanding. He might have to stand up to her, and if he is like my fiancee, i know they hate that. lol

Just try to keep your cool when talking to his ex, and try to figure out her mind set and her way of thinking, Once you figure out how her mind works, you might be able to communicate more. You'd be amazed how much easier communication could go just by rephrasing the words so she understands what your saying. She sounds like she sees herself as a Victom she really believes she cant do certain things. So she might see you as a bully, for trying to tell her how to raise her daughter (im just trying to explain how she probably see things)

Good luck i really hope things get better for you guys! if you ever need someone to rant with, my email is ____@____.com, im on yahoo messager too. (we are both K.'s/C.'s!)

I know alot of bipolar people, so i might be able to help, or i might not. lol if anything i'll be able to listen to you complain about her. Im a good listener!!!

C.

Wow, that sounds like an awful lot to deal with. ((hugs)) I know a bit how you feel too, I also have a husband with an ex-wife that is Bi-Polar only she doesn't think she has a problem so she doesn't take any medication. I have a 9 yr. old stepson who lives with his mother during the week and stays with us every other weekend. I know how hard that is, I love my stepson dearly, I've been a part of his life since he was 13 months old and it is heart breaking how he comes to us and cries about how miserable he is with his mother. The difference in my situation is my husband does not do anything for his ex-wife, he infact dislikes her very nuch because of how she treats their son, I think it would drive me crazy if he were actually bending over backwards to do things for her simply to keep the peace. I wish I had some advice for you, just try to hang in there!

I must agree with the others. Once a couple gets divorced and especially when they remarry, they need not be part of the other persons life so closely. Your husband needs to turn over the payee role and let his ex worry about her own responsibilities. His duty is to you and your daughter now. I'd see about what you can do to gain total custody of your daughter, especially if she isn't well taken care of at her mom's house. Seems like she needs a stable, clean, and loving environment to grow up in....not one where she has to play the part of the adult. Good luck with this situation - and hope you have another family member soon!!

hello. i feel that you were not wrong for getting upset. i know i would have been upset because she is her mother and needs to have responsibilities as well as your husband and you. when you're a mother, the kids always come first. that's why we become parents to nuture our children in every way and enjoy them while they are kids. she does have a disability but that shouldnt affect her parenting. if it does than maybe she should consider what is best for the daughter, like living with you and your husband until she can straighten herself around. that's my thought and i hope it helps. yours truly,S.